Letter to E.E. Cummings
For those of you who love poetry or who (like me) remember suffering through it in english class. We had to write a letter to E.E. Cummings in my creative writing class. I hope those of you familiar with his work will find this entertaining.
Spacing is messed up a little, but I know better than to try and fix it more than I have.
Chaff n' Flare Publishing Inc.
1225 W. Wingfold Ave.
Fox 5
Gearup, YP 77263
T 616-867-5309
F 888-888-8838
January 9, 2018
E.E. Cummings
6623 Overthe Rd
Rainbow, KS 98736
Dear Mr. Cummings,
I regret to inform you that your anthology of poetry was rejected by our editor for publishing. Please feel free to submit any new, non-poetical work you might have. The editor has said that he finds that you write quiet well when sticking to complete sentences, and looks forward reviewing any work you might have of that nature.
Frankly I (his secretary, please excuse this laps in professionalism) enjoy your poetry quite a lot. The use of nonconventional placements of punctuation, shape, whitespace, and leaving things unsaid is an ingenious tool to convey that which transcends the paper. If you want to send me any more of your poetry please feel free to do so. Simply label it "Attn: Mr. Barreldregs" and I'll get it instead of the boss.
Which brings me to the unpleasant part of this letter. You see, our editor has spent the last four days pacing around his office with your manuscript nonstop, shouting "What does it mean? What does this mean? What does that mean? What does any of this mean?!" We found we could count poems by the number of guttural screams followed by the sound of shredding paper. After taking turns waiting outside his door, day and night, our count came to 54. He did not eat or sleep for that entire time, and it smelt like he didn't visit the restroom either.
Occasionally he would demand coffee, for which we began using decaf in hopes he would grow tired, but to no avail. This morning we poured a cup of straight gin with just enough bailies to cloud it up and some brown food coloring. Bob dumped some horse tranquilizer in it (his thoroughbred hates getting in a trailer, so the vet gives him a little to keep around) and we handed it to him hoping he wouldn't notice the difference. We stood in awe as he gulped it all down in one go, and then complimented me on the new choice of flavor. It wasn't even warm.
Regardless, his brother came and got him with a wheelbarrow not to long after. He said the last time this happened he was out for at least three days, which puts him at an entire week devoted to your poetry alone. His average time to reject an author of your stature is four hours, and so we request you hire and cover the expenses of a supplementing editor for a week to allow us to catch up from the disruption you have caused here at Chaff n' Flare Publishing. We have furnished a list of our recommendations on the reverse side.
Sincerely yours,
Phromda Barreldregs
Our Recommendations:
Rub R. Stamper
Chad Terbocks
Hu Flung Pu
Paige Turner
Rita Book
Armin Aleg