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Chapter 4: A Fist Full of Foxy Fluff

Judy had never been one for watching TV when she lived in Bunnyburrow because she had it drilled into her, if unintentionally, by her parents that it might be impossible for her to be a police officer because she was a bunny. That meant she forced herself to forgo a lot of the normal side-activities in preference for training, reading, and preparing. She did not fall in love with any kind of media programming until she met Nick. When she was preparing him for the academy he began to burn out and suggested a movie night and was shocked to find out that he could have chosen nearly any movie and she would not have seen it. They stayed up so long at Nick's place that Judy ended up sleeping on the couch because it was just too late to go home. After that, movie night or show-watching became something of a no-work-tomorrow kind of event. Nick felt safer going home late given his better vision in the dark, so they took to having the movie nights at Judy's tiny apartment. Since Nick had become an officer they had done so three times. Nick spoke up as Judy pushed her thick, wide reading pillow up against the wall to make her bed feel at least a little more like a couch.

"How did they leave off last season, can you remember? I don't think I can remember." They both sat on the bed.

"Zootopia was deserted except for one wolf pup and the brothers couldn't figure out what happened." Judy reminded him.

"Right. Deserted city scenario. That's literally my worst fear. How could I forget?" Nick sighed. Judy had made Nick watch a zombie movie and had discovered he had that fear then. She had teased him occasionally about it during early morning patrols when parts of the city did seem deserted.

"Calm down, you know these things get resolved." Judy laughed, pushing her back against the pillow. She intentionally sat a little closer to the middle of it than usual, which made Nick scoot a little closer to have something to lean on as well. Judy flattened her ears back as she considered her own selfishness. She wanted to feel better. He was safe and nearby and she could relax. She did feel better. She looked at her feet a moment as Nick got the show started on Judy's laptop on the desk across from the bed. The russet mammal got comfortable beside her and her eyes locked on the screen as the show opened. It spent the next fifteen minutes recapping the previous season and setting up the new one. Judy did not glance at Nick at all during this, as she began to feel a little guilty about tying him up over her sudden weird insecurity. Had he really had plans today? Did he cancel them because of her?

"I wonder if the Reaper will finally tell them what happened to their doubles from season 8?" Nick asked. Judy looked up at him finally as he grinned at that. He was never going to let that plot hole go. She chuckled at him, her fears about him actually not wanting to be there allayed briskly. She sat back more fully into her pillow, feeling suddenly very heavy, warm and comfortable.

In fact, she could not remember a time since she had arrived in Zootopia where she felt this content, which felt in its own way a little off. That uniqueness alone was able to keep her attention even as the beginning scene of the new season unfolded. What was she feeling? Why was she suddenly so content when a moment ago she was embarrassed and ashamed for how she was acting? She looked up at Nick, that relaxed smirk that was always on his muzzle was predictably there. She could not really focus on one single feeling as she watched him, but she began to feel less and less in general, everything becoming slowly muted. It was so comfortable, and he seemed so relaxed too. She had worried him so much just a couple hours before. Seeing him not worry made her feel even better. She smiled and turned to look at the screen again...

"Carrots, are you coming?" Nick asked. The bunny blinked and looked around. They were in the mall. Judy held the tray from the sandwich place in her paws, and she was standing in front of the recycle bin like an idiot. What just happened? Where was she? She shook her head.

"Huh? Yeah, hold on, I was trying to remember something, but I forgot it again." She stated, tossing her paper and putting up the tray. She moved over beside Nick as he started to leave the food court. She felt a sense of déjà vu and shook her head a bit. Nick looked at her with some concern.

"You okay? You've been a flake all morning, fluff. I thought you were gonna walk right out the window at the courthouse." He grinned at her. Judy rubbed her eyes.

"I didn't sleep well last night." She explained.

"Why not? Dreaming about meeeee?" the fox asked teasingly. Judy punched his arm and laughed. She could not remember why she couldn't sleep though. She walked with him through the lower floor of the mall, heading for the entrance.

"Hey Nick. Do you want to do a movie night tonight?" the bunny asked.

"No can do, Fluff." The fox answered with a show of disappointment. "Mom and I are gonna replace her fridge today. She _cannot_do that on her own." He insisted. Judy was crestfallen. Why she had suddenly wanted to do that she could not figure out. Had it just popped into her head? Was that what she was thinking about in front of the recycle bin? She followed Nick out of the mall to find that outside everything was unusually quiet. The parking lot appeared to be absolutely empty except for a medium-sized blue van parked sideways right on the sidewalk. In the driver's seat was a goat with headphones on drumming on his steering wheel. Judy was perplexed by that, but even more that it was the only vehicle outside at all. She was certain she had never seen the van before but it looked somehow familiar at the same time. Had they ticketed this guy before? She looked back out beyond the van. The parking lot was completely empty. She wondered if Nick was unnerved by that. He hated the whole deserted place concept. She tried to remember if she had even seen anyone else actually in the mall. Judy walked around slowly to the back of the van and then looked out over the empty lot curiously, then back to Nick who had turned around and began to walk toward the driver's side door.

"Nick wait..." Judy felt fear roll through her, she struggled to think of why.

"Hold on Judy, I'm just gonna ask him to move his van, he can't be parked on the sidewalk." Nick stated calmly. That made sense. Besides, why would he park on the sidewalk if there was literally no one else in the lot? The rabbit looked at the back of the van. Its license plate was completely blank. Her eyes shot open as she heard the side door of the van slide open.

"NICK!" she screamed but it was too late. She saw his eyes go wide and then an explosion from inside the van so hard the whole van listed to one side. Her partner was instantly shredded, literally becoming red confetti, the paper squares of it rising into the wind. Nick actually screamed when it happened, an awful sound Judy had never heard from him, and then complete silence. She dropped to the sidewalk on her hands and knees staring down as a tide of blood washed over her hands like a bucket of washtub water had been sloshed onto the ground. She screamed again. And again. And again. "No! No! NO! NO! NO!"

"Judy, stop, c'mon, JUDY!" Nick yelled. She was shaken hard and her eyes bolted wide open, staring at Nick's face. She was shaking. Her heart was racing. Her eyes were wet. Her chest hurt. She held perfectly still, her nose wiggling like mad. "Judy!" Nick said again, as if trying to talk to her through a block of ice. She couldn't talk for a moment more, but she at least managed to figure out where she was. She was on her bed. Nick was sitting beside her. There was noise, what was the noise? A gunshot. She heard a gunshot. Her entire body jerked from it. "Judy, stop! It's okay! It was a dream!" Nick barked loudly. She looked in the direction of the gunshot. The heroes of the show they were watching were fighting some kind of monster with shotgun shells full of rock salt. It was a dream. She was in her apartment. She had fallen asleep while they watched the show. Her breathing began to slow and she sank back down against the pillow. The fear flooded out of her and the embarrassment flooded in, her heart still hammering either way. She gritted her teeth, struggling not to cry.

"I'm sorry Nick. I'm so sorry. It was terrible. You got k-k..." She leaned forward, trying to just look away from him, not wanting to let him see how upset she was.

"It's okay Judy, I'm alive, you're okay, I'm okay, everyone's okay." Nick said insistently, seeming out of breath himself. Judy cringed at that. Had she scared him too? She looked back to him.

"You screamed when you died, Nick, it was so horrible, I've never heard anything like that." The bunny panted, trying hard to justify how bad she reacted.

"Yeah, no, the scream was real, that part was real." Nick stated flatly.

"What?" Judy asked, fear suddenly boiling up inside her. It was over right? The bad dream was over. Her eyes searched him, half expecting him to just be covered in blood. Nick looked down at Judy's hand, which she was still clutching into a fist so tight her fingers hurt. She lifted her hand and gasped in surprise. Jutting out from in between all of her fingers she found a very ample amount of cream-colored fur. Nick frowned with more than a little scorn at Judy as she looked back at him, and he rubbed his tummy through his shirt. Judy squeaked in revulsion and shook her opening hand, a snowfall of fox fluff raining down around them on her bed.

"Oh Nick! I'm so sorry! Oh my gosh - are you okay?!" she cried in near panic. She hurt him. He was there to help her, whether he realized that or not, and she actually caused him to suffer. She felt awful. Nick waved his hand at her, his expression softening, no longer harsh and displaying his pain. He then leaned forward, a hand on her shoulder as he pushed her slowly back to the pillow against the wall. Judy gasped slightly.

"It's alright Judy..." he stated, skipping her usual nicknames to add weight to the genuine nature of his forgiveness. "It's fine, but you know what might make me feel better?" he asked as he leaned in closer, a warm, compassionate smile on his muzzle now only an inch from her own. Her ears were scorching hot as he held himself nose to nose with her. Her eyes lowered a bit, taking in his usual green palm-print shirt because she was unable to meet his gaze as her heart fluttered in her chest. What was he doing? She didn't want that. Did she? Still not looking up for fear of what he'd do when their eyes met, she answered in the meekest tone she could

"What... what would help?" Nick leaned back suddenly enough that she felt a breeze on her face from how quickly he snapped away, and the fox exclaimed,

"Telling me what the heck is going on with you, Fluff!" he barked loudly as held his arms out in exasperation. Judy groaned a bit, trying to think of anything to smooth this disaster over when she heard a familiar voice through the wall.

"Leave her alone, fox, she had a scary dream about the scary story she read! There's nothing wrong with that." It was Pronk's voice. Oh no. No, they were doing the opposite of helping her! Bucky, tell him to shut up!

"Yeah, you should be more sensitive, it's wrong to yell!" Bucky yelled. Judy inwardly whined. Nooooo! Nick looked at the shouting wall with a blank, wide-eyed expression as he stood beside Judy's bed. His eyes then slowly closed and he brought his hand up as if in slow motion to the bridge of his muzzle, cupping it as he stood completely still and silent. Judy grinned as innocently as she could at her partner.

"You read a scary story." Nick stated slowly, as if more to give her the option to say that her neighbors were mistaken. The bunny knew better than to attempt to mislead the former con artist.

"Um... did I? Yes. Yes I did." Judy offered meekly, pulling her legs up to her chest, hugging them as she smiled helplessly to Nick.

"If I walked into a Barks and Nobles, would I be correct in assuming I would never find this scary story?" Judy was quiet a moment, trying to read her partner. Was he mad? He should be mad. She looked at the fur laying all over her bed. He should be very, very mad. He didn't look mad. She drew a deep breath.

"It would... It would not be there, no." she answered honestly.

"Carrots, why? Why would you do that? I didn't want you to do that." Nick's tone was surprisingly gentle. Maybe a little bit sad. Her heart skipped a beat. He was disappointed. She felt way worse at that. Mad was better. She deserved mad.

"I'm a dumb bunny." She bluntly replied, frowning. "So go ahead and give it to me. The big I told you so. I read the story and it messed me up, oh it messed me up good." Nick sighed softly and sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Judy, this isn't funny to me. It was never a bet, it was never a challenge." The fox stroked his own ears back tightly, forcing his eyes wide just from the pull of his angular canid face. Judy watched him intently, wishing she could just hide under the bed from her embarrassment. She ripped out a patch of his fur. Of all the graceless things - "Let's fast forward past all the I was right and you didn't trust me and went and traumatized yourself anyway," Nick continued, "...let's talk about it, okay? Let's try to get around it, do a little brain bleaching, I need you firing on all cylinders, Carrots." Her partner said earnestly. Judy looked at him blankly. No snarkiness? No smug? No teasing? Was this still a dream? Nick blinked at his partner, looking at her curiously a moment as she just stared at him wordlessly. What did he want? How would it help to hear that she was torn up because he died in a story and left a fictional version of her all alone? Her expression must have been as blank as she felt as he finally asked, "What was the story? Did you get killed in it?" he asked.

"Huh?" Judy shook herself out of her stunned silence, and then bit her lip slightly. "Nick, I really don't want to think about that awful thing." She stated.

"Trust me Judy, it will help to get it out, discuss it, and have someone other than you dismiss it. Out with it." He stated with authority.

"I didn't die." Judy spoke with a lot of weight in her heart. She didn't even want to say it. She sucked in a deep breath. Nick looked at her expectantly. "You did." She opened her eyes and looked at Nick and a tear rolled down her cheek the moment she did, for all the fighting she did. She looked down shamefully, trying and failing to hide that emotional self-betrayal. Nick remained quiet a moment, not reacting if he had actually seen it. She was grateful for that.

"How?" he finally asked. Judy was quiet a moment, and then carefully and anxiously relayed the details of the moment in the story that had played itself in her mind again and again and finally in her dream. She found herself feeling a little more secure as she told him, and as she spoke she realized it was because she was telling it to Nick and by telling him it made it more and more defined as a story, and not something that was happening to her partner who was right there listening to it. She finished explaining that, and then the dream afterward as best she could remember it, and he remained quiet the entire time, not pushing, not dismissing anything, and not asking questions of his own. He just listened, seeming to reflect on it. Judy finally grumbled out,

"Why?" Her partner looked at her curiously. She sucked in a deep breath and felt her anger from the previous night return. "Why did he write that? Why did he need to kill you in a story? Who the heck is that even for?" Nick moved closer to Judy, and she felt that strange contentment wash over her again. What was that even about? She dismissed it again as her partner spoke.

"Carrots, first I need to explain why I even know about this stuff so you can understand why I can answer it. Doing what I did before I became an officer left me with plenty of free time and I really liked a science fiction show that came on TV that got cancelled in its first season. It was great and they washed their hands of it eight episodes in! I was bummed about that but I felt like there was so much more story to tell, so I started looking to see if maybe extended scripts that were supposed to be done were out there and maybe I could read about the story that never got a chance to be filmed. I found out a bunch of mammals thought the same way, and they loved it as much as I did. So they wrote it themselves. Some of it was great; some of it not so great, but everyone had their own story. And it belonged to each mammal." Nick explained.

"Did they kill your favorite character?" Judy asked, then flattened her ears at what she had just insinuated. She looked anxiously at Nick, but thankfully he did not seem to fixate on that.

"Oh heck yeah!" Nick laughed. "And even worse than that, trust me! It was brutal! Like I said, not every story was a story I would have wanted to read." The bunny lowered her head.

"It still doesn't explain why. Why kill the characters at all?" she asked.

"I am not really sure, Fluff." Nick said with a sigh. He went back to that soft, soothing voice like he'd used on the gondola the day they became friends, something she so rarely heard from him. "A bunch or different reasons, I bet. I am sure there's a few of them who are legitimately kinda messed up, but a lot of it is just mammals working through real stuff, you know? Real pain, real loss, real anger. They don't know any other way that feels safe to work it all out so they work it out on paper and anonymously send it out into the darkness. In the end it's their feelings, their thoughts, their fears and wants, and they can feel better to have said it even if it's not what they really mean, and even if no one reads it at all. It's like telling me what was hurting you took the pain away from you a moment ago. It's not always about wanting to cause pain in the story, or with the story, sometimes we just have to acknowledge that the pain is there." Judy looked up at Nick with her eyes a bit wider with wonder. She could not recall hearing him open up so completely and candidly about this type of subject. She then reflected back to one of her first memories of him.

"So... When you hurt, sometimes the best healing you can hope for is that another mammal out there can know about it..." She watched as Nicks features softened a little, and he smiled genuinely at her. She felt like she actually understood. She understood not just why the mammal wrote the story that had upset her, but something a lot deeper about Nick than he might have intended to share right then.

"Something like that, yeah. It's not about wanting to hurt others, it's just about rubbing the spot that hurts till you can handle the pain." He rubbed his tummy and pouted playfully at the bunny. She whapped the fox with a pillow.

"Oh stop crying about it, Nick, it'll grow back. I said I was sorry!" She looked at the laptop, still playing the show they had been watching. She tilted her head a little. How long had she been asleep? Did Nick try to wake her up? How long was he going to let her sleep while he stayed at her side? Her face heated up. Was Nick watching over her as she slept? Wait... How did she get a handful of tummy fur in the first place, what was she doing with her hands while she was sleeping? Under his shirt? Her nose revved up and she looked down to hide her blush if it was visible. She must have really freaked out during the dream and started just grabbing anything she could hold. She looked up again and watched as Nick got back onto the bed and situated the back-pillow again, backing up the program to near the first part from before. It looked like she had missed the rest of the first episode and almost all of the next. She looked at Nick with her ears still burning. He smiled and patted the spot she had previously occupied. He did not seem at all offended by her actions at least. She sighed softly.

"C'mon, it's not even seven o'clock yet, we are gonna do some brain bleach and you can forget all about the story. Judy sighed and nodded to Nick, crawling back into her spot. She felt that wash of contentment again and just forced herself to ignore it. She had every right to feel content with a friend as good as this fox was to her. She looked up at him again, replaying his words in her head. Sometimes what we do is merely rubbing the spot that hurts until we can bear the pain. She whispered softly,

"I forgot to say earlier Nick... and I want to say before I forget again... The kids seem to like you a lot." Nick tilted his head curiously at his partner, smiling at the compliment paid to him. She continued, "You are right about the fluff assignments. It's just as important. Those kids deserve even more time and attention than the guys we haul off the streets any other day. I will take it more seriously too." Nick seemed a little puzzled by that sudden admission from his partner, eyes wide, and then like a switch the smug settled back on his face. Judy laid her ears back, bracing for impact.

"Oh good. And that reminds me Carrots, since we got back to the start of the episode, we can get back to the start of me telling you I told you so and I can listen to the part about you being a dumb bunny all over again." Nick grinned asininely at her partner grumpily crossed her arms.

"I knew it!" she hissed, looking away to hide her grin.

"That was my favorite part too!" Pronk yelled from the other room.

"Shut up, they were having a moment!" Bucky shouted.

"The fox ruined it first!" Pronk countered loudly, and Nick laughed heavily, ears back, tongue out. Judy groaned and leaned in against her partner with her arms over her knees and buried her face, prepared to enjoy her, loud, frustrating evening in the company of her annoying, smug, shifty, clever, forgiving wonderful fox. Her face hidden completely she smiled in genuine if inexplicable utter contentment.