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Chapter 3: Sleepless

Fifteen minutes before her alarm was supposed to go off, Judy turned it off. She did not want to hear it. She went to the public showers of her apartment building and took a nice cold one to break her from her melancholy exhaustion. She got out, shivering. At least she was completely lucid about her misery. She had taken turns through the night being angry at Nick for telling her about fanfics, and herself for being exactly what Nick thought. An emotional bunny. She had finally chased the darker thoughts away about four in the morning, but was fearful of falling asleep for the kind of dreams that awaited her. She had a couple nightmares after the Nighthowler case and did not want to revisit those unpleasant nights. She also felt that if she went to sleep at 4, the alarm would not stand a chance waking her, even with her sensitive ears. She got dressed in her uniform, since that impressed the smaller kits and cubs, rather than intimidated them. Judy felt a little better being in uniform because it always made her feel a little stronger.

She hopped on a bus to the terminal and checked her phone once she got there. Still no call from Nick. No message. She could not lie to herself, she was actually a little unnerved - worried even - by that. He might have forgotten to charge his phone but surely he'd have charged it before he left for the school. If he was not there, the already slightly rattled bunny was not sure what she would do. She could talk to the kids on her own, but she really needed to see her partner to get out from under that funk. She got onto the next bus and took that to the elementary school. The classes were already full upon her arrival, and she stopped outside the school. A few of the faculty greeted her very warmly, including the bear vice-principle who made a playful show of flinching when Judy reached out to shake his paw. She nervously laughed at that and continued to wait. Fifteen minutes passed. Twenty. No Nick. Her phone buzzed in its belt-pouch. Judy sighed with frustration.

"Yeeeees?" she growled expectantly, having not even looked to check the caller. Chief Bogo's voice was the one who greeted her, making her breath skip.

"Yes, Officer Hopps. We need to talk." His tone was dark and serious. It was always dark and serious, but Judy's entire body went into disaster mode. Her breathing shortened and her chest tightened and her hands felt pins and needles, her feet felt cold and wet and she felt immediately like she was going to be sick.

"I... I'm h-here." Judy whimpered softly into the phone.

"Yes, I can hear." Bogo grunted. "Look, I am sorry I did not contact you sooner concerning this but I was unaware of how serious it was until I checked this morning, and now it might actually be too late, so I am deeply sorry, officer Hopps." His voice seemed full of regret. Judy dropped back onto her tail on a brick-lined planter in front of the school. It was a dream. It had to be a dream. It couldn't really happen. Not now. She started breathing faster. Her chest hurt. She felt like her uniform's custom body armor was crushing her.

"It's alright, I understand." Judy stated in a calm, low tone, even if she did not understand at all.

"You have eleven days of unused vacation, Hopps, and you are nearing your reinstatement date and those days do not carry over." Bogo stated flatly. Judy's ears shot up, her body loosening again, her eyes becoming wet.

"What?" she asked, as if he'd mumbled or spoken another language entirely. She thought she knew what his next words were going to be and those were so far from them that they were barely recognizable. Having not slept at all the previous night was not helping.

"You had fourteen days of paid leave, Hopps." Bogo said clearly. "You have only taken three in nearly a year. You are terrible at taking time off, and now you might lose some of that time. I did not realize how many days you had left until I was checking for another officer. I don't know that you will want to take that much time off all together with Wilde still learning the ropes." To his credit, the massive, dark Cape buffalo was being very nice about the explanation when he deeply hated repeating himself to an officer, but he apparently felt responsible for not telling the bunny sooner.

"Oh, it's okay, Chief." Judy said, gritting her teeth as her voice very obviously cracked from her relieved stress concerning what she thought the call was about initially. Bogo unfortunately caught the crack in her voice.

"Hopps, it's alright, it's not the end of the world. They don't carry over but I can see about some kind of leave compensation, don't worry about it. In the future though, please be more cognizant of your time off, it evaporates." He stated, obviously suddenly uncomfortable.

"Thank you Chief." Judy stated more solidly, wiping her eyes with her arm. Judy hung up the phone and looked at her feet. The sting of that story and everything it forced her to consider was back in her just as cold and heavy as it had been at midnight. She sucked in a deep breath. A voice jerked her from her exhausted musing.

"Is, everything alright? Do we need a minute before we go in?"

It was Nick. Judy's gaze shot up to him and she was absolutely ashamed at how her heart flooded with gladness at seeing him. It was a story, Nick was fine, he was never in danger, he was never missing, he was never hurt and alone or any of those other terrible things her emotional bunny heart told her he was. He was just late.

He was half an hour late.

And he never returned her calls. Or a single message.

And he had the audacity to just stand there and act like she was the one who needed a moment? She bolted, tiny fist connecting with his arm and making him yelp.

"You are late! Do you even look at your phone any other time than while we are supposed to be watching the streets, Nick?!" Judy cried.

"Ow, holy geeze, Carrots, too hard!" Nick complained to her, rubbing the spot heavily. "Sorry, okay. I was on the train yesterday coming back from visiting my mom and I forgot I didn't have my phone pouch and slipped my phone to my side into nothing. It dropped on the floor of the train and an elk stepped back and turned it into recycling." The fox pleaded. "I went to the shop first thing this morning to see if anything was salvageable, but the only thing that they could save was my sim card and it was too old for the new phones, so I had to wait for them to transfer my contact list with their computer." Nick looked at Judy quietly a moment as she stared at him in disbelief.

It was so simple. It was awful for her, but Nick had nothing to do with how she was reacting. She sucked in a deep breath and sighed it out.

"Sorry Nick. I had a long night." she stated.

"Did it have anything to do with whoever was making you cry on the phone?" he asked. The way he asked it sounded fearful. He seemed genuinely alarmed at the state her found her in. Judy shook her head as they walked into the school together, her mind starting to recover from Bogo's call and the bunny feeling immensely better to see Nick and hear his voice. She felt silly to worry like she had, but when Bogo called it hit her so hard. "Carrots?" Nick asked again, shaking her from her thoughts. She was so out of it.

"Yes." Judy answered without thinking. Then after a second of reflecting on what he actually said she corrected, "No. I mean, a little, but not specifically. It's under control, let's get to work, we've got twelve classrooms to visit." She noted.

Nick let it go, he seemed to genuinely know when to do so, and today was fortunately no different. He focused instead on dealing with most of the questions that were tossed at the pair. When dealing with younger mammals, most of them asked questions about speeding around in a police car, catching the bad guys, and what subjects they need to be good at to be a police officer. That day was not much different, and the questions were pretty reliably repeated for the first five classes that they visited, spiced occasionally with a rude or silly immature question that resulted in someone having to stand in the hall. Little kids don't come with filters usually, and Nick always inwardly laughed at it even if Judy felt cross about it. Despite having no siblings like she did, the fox seemed more patient and forgiving of children. By their fifth class, Judy was barely keeping on her feet and hoping so much that Nick and the teacher did not notice as her ears could not stay up and she had to rub her eyes more than once and pinch her own arm to stay awake. A question from a small cheetah girl shook her from her stupor, however.

"I saw tha video on the news of tha bear, Officer Judy." The little girl was likely about eight or nine. The rabbit gave her the attention that topic deserved, ears perked.

"Did - Did your parents let you watch that?" she asked nervously. That kind of violence was not something she wanted to justify to a child her age.

"No, they were in tha other room." The girl answered, whipping her tail up and down casually. "How come Mr. Nick made you fight the bear alone? Are bunnies more expensable 'cause there's so many of them? Dad says we're never gonna be out of bunnies." Judy's eyes widened and her mind went blank, not because of the answer to that, it was a simple answer, but from the fact that the girl was under the impression that bunnies were some kind of disposable resource to the ZPD. Seeing Judy's mind gum up, Nick helpfully moved up to the desk as the Teacher, a kind old badger, covered her mouth in shock. Of course the girl did not mean anything ill by it, but it had to be corrected! Nick got onto his knee by the desk, looking the girl in the eyes and smiling kindly as Judy watched, speechless for the moment.

"Your name's Fleck, right?" he asked. The girl widened her eyes at that.

"Felicity." She corrected, going a little stiff, "but my friends call me Fleck."

"Judy and I are your pals, though, right? We'd always help you out of a jam." Nick nodded at that. The girl softened. She nodded. Judy was always impressed at how good Nick was with names. He would glance over the roster for the class and so long as everyone was where they were supposed to be, he answered them by name. It seemed to always make the students feel like he was really paying attention to them. Judy had previously felt that maybe Nick was only serious about getting to enjoy a few easy days with these assignments, but she found herself realizing at that moment he was possibly more serious at this aspect of the job than she was. Nick began to speak again, and Judy listened along with Fleck. "See, this job can be really hard and really scary sometimes." He said it in a soft and serious tone; it was not his usual bantering, laughing, light-hearted tone. "We trained very hard for a whole year just to wear this badge so that we can face the scary stuff, but fortunately, we don't have to face it alone. We have our partners. But we have to trust our partner. Judy got trained just like I did, and she has just as good of a chance against that bear as a wolf or a rhino, believe it or not. You saw the video. But see, the thing I want you to get from this, more than that." Nick leaned in closer, his voice going softer, "Judy is my family on the force." Judy's ears felt hot suddenly. "She's not an extra mammal. She's not any less than I am. I did not make her handle that bear alone. I did not want her to have to do that alone, but Fleck, we were after the missing child. Saving the child was the most important thing right then. It could have been you..." Nick looked up around the class, "Any one of you - in that truck, and Judy and I would give our lives if we had to in order to save you. My partner needed to keep the bear away so I could make sure that doe was safe. And she did great, right?" Nick asked, smiling. The kids all answered in the affirmative, making it appear some of the others had seen the video. Judy remained silent, her heart pounding. The subject was not making her feel better. She wished one of the cubs in the back would ask if they had to wipe their feet before coming into the class because they were on doody all day.

"Yes, Officer Nick." The girl stated happily. "You weren't scared at all about the bear fighting your partner, she had him down!" She smiled broadly. Nick frowned however and shook his head.

"I didn't say that, Fleck." The fox stated softly. He looked to Judy and then back at her. "See... I said the job was dangerous, but the police are still mammals just like you. I was scared. I was afraid for Judy, I always am, not because she's a bunny though. Mistakes are made. Bad things happen. I know that one day we might have to say goodbye. It's part of the job, you learn that in the academy but we can't let being afraid stop us from doing what needs to be done, right? It's okay to be scared." He addressed the whole class with this. "But even if you're scared, always do what is right, okay?" he stated, smiling. The class smiled back and Judy pivoted on her heel and strode purposefully right out the door.

Judy sighed, disgusted with herself as she sat in a bathroom stall on a toilet that felt, for a change, a little too small for her. She put her chin on her hands. What a fun thing for Nick to get to explain to the class. She was sure he'd dismiss it and take everyone's minds off the weird bunny leaving in the middle of the discussion so rudely as that, but he should not have to. Why did the discussion have to go THERE? In all the time they had been doing these things they never talked about officers dying on the job. These were just little kids. Nick handled it responsibly enough and broached the subject neatly, there was not a flaw in how he handled it, but it was not what Judy needed to hear right then. She sighed and finished up, washed her hands and walked back toward the class. She stopped outside of it, thinking that she did not want to look at the class after she bolted so rudely. The small rabbit stood outside the door a moment, and moved her hand to the doorknob. It opened and Nick stepped out however as the class applauded him as they often did. Nick closed the door and looked at Judy with some concern.

"You okay, fluff?" he asked with genuine care. She nodded.

"Sorry. Not... myself today." She explained.

"We can stop and eat if you like, maybe talk about it?" he offered. Judy shook her head vigorously.

"No no... It's a personal thing, I will be okay. Just... had to hit the restroom suddenly is all. You know how it is." She tried to sound more jovial and normal, realizing that she was forcing it and Nick, a master of reading people, would see through it like an open window.

"Do you need to head home to rest, you seem exhausted." Nick said calmly. "I can do the rest of the classes, it's really okay. You never take a day off, Bogo's gonna be fine about it." Judy could not help but flinch when Nick mentioned Bogo because it reminded her of that call. The dark, heavy voice. 'Hopps, we need to talk.', 'Too Late.', 'I'm Sorry.' She sucked in a breath and looked at Nick who suddenly looked a lot more concerned. "Did you... Did you get in trouble with Bogo?" the fox asked with deeper concern.

"N-no!" huffed Judy. "I told you, this is personal, it's not work related, and I will be fine. Let's... Let's get back to helping the kids, okay? The day will go by quick and we can take a late lunch when we are done. I'm okay now." She sounded more confident even though her heart was hammering. Nick regarded the bunny with his wide-eyed, concerned expression softening. He nodded to her.

"You can talk to me you know. If you want to. Later. Let's go see Charlie in the next class. He drew a picture of his wolf teacher eating the city and posted it with the art outside the classroom, and I want to know all about that." The fox stated.

"Nick, don't encourage that!" Judy stated, running after her partner.

The remaining classes were a little more standard in terms of their experience. Nick seemed to have learned his lesson and avoided the topic of the danger of their jobs entirely, even when asked about it by one young wolf cub who wanted to know if Nick had ever shot anyone. Normally Nick would explain everything about how responsible the officers had to be about something so permanent and harsh, but in that case, Nick dismissed it with a simple and curt 'no'. Judy realized that Nick had read the trigger for her display earlier better than she assumed and she felt guilty about it. She didn't want it to affect his ability to teach these cubs and kits about their job, that was what he was there to do.

Having skipped lunch, by the time they finished with the final applauding class Judy was positively famished and the light, more playful facade Nick kept on helped her mood. She went with him to a local mall as they tended to have lighter traffic in the middle of a school day and offered an assortment for them in the food court. Judy got her usual from a sandwich shop, a veggie-wrap with vinegar dressing and Nick got a bowl of what Judy assumed was shrimp. She blanched a bit. The bugs of the sea. She tolerated Nick's dietary needs usually, but those fat little pink grubs were just a bit much for her. Why couldn't he at least get the fried ones? She could at least pretend those were bread crumbs. Fortunately he was done with them very quickly and she was able to enjoy most of her sandwich without looking at them. Unfortunately, it meant Nick was free to talk. And he chose an obvious course of conversation.

"Is it a family problem? Are your mom and dad okay?" he asked. Nick knew how important family was to Judy.

"No, Nick, it's okay, it's just a thing. I'm better now, honest. Just drama." She sighed, taking another bite.

"Usually you are the one telling me not to deal with stuff alone all the time, I should not have to tell you the same thing." Nick offered kindly. Judy was a little more aggravated because he usually joked and teased so much more. She wasn't sure that she preferred serious, caring Nick. At least, not given the uncomfortable nature of her issue.

"It's a mood thing Nick. Just let me get over it." She shook her head a bit, and finished her wrap, using her napkin to catch any of the remaining vinegar.

"Okay, well, we are both off tomorrow, if you are still feeling moody, we can go do something. Kind of take your mind off it." Nick offered. Judy looked warily to her partner. It hurt that he was being so kind and understanding when she caused this whole mess by not listening to him in the first place. She murmured softly.

"Maybe. We'll see. I'm sorry I have been so out of it. It's mostly that I didn't sleep at all. I don't ... function well on zero sleep. I will be better after a good rest." Nick looked at his partner, and Judy looked back quietly. He seemed to be regarding what she had said, as if trying to decode it. Judy watched her partner do this a lot when they were interviewing suspects or getting information from accident victims. He didn't believe her. She knew he didn't believe her, but she could not tell him that she'd screwed things up. Not when she made him think that she was not going to read those dumb stories. Nick threw away his empty paper container in the recycle bin and less elegantly wiped his claw tips on his dark trousers, something Judy chastised him for frequently. It was habit and it was not going down easy. He nodded to Judy and murmured calmly, with a slightly disappointed tone,

"Okay, well, I am gonna head out then. I have the same number on my new phone, so if you need anything, just shoot me a text, I promise not to drop it again. I'm sorry I wasn't... You know... There for you last night, Judy." His ears fell back. Judy's ears shot up at her name. Nick thought she was upset because of him. It slammed into her like a football tackle. She shook her head vigorously.

"Oh no! No it's okay, you couldn't help that. I..." She tried to think back to exactly what she said in here message to him.

"You tried to call. You wanted me to call back. If you had someone to talk to about this when it happened..." he waved a paw to illustrate that he had no idea what 'it' was, "... Maybe you at least could have slept. So I am sorry I wasn't there. I will make sure I am later if you need me. Don't hesitate to call." He smiled at her encouragingly to show he was genuine about it and not just feeling guilty. Judy laid her ears flat down her back as she watched his thick, fluffy tail bob and sway as he walked to leave the food court. Her chest tightened anxiously. Suddenly, she dreaded not being near him. She knew it was more crap from that story and her dumb sudden anxiety and lack of sleep but she got up anyway.

"Wait, Nick!" she called after him. He looked over his shoulder, his emerald eyes peering back at her and hand going to his phone pouch as if he forgot it on the table. Judy chucked the paper for her wrap into the recycle bin and caught up with her partner. "Hey... It's only three, up for a bit of Howlu bingeing? They just added all of Season 12 of Lupinatural. It's a lot more fun watching that stuff with you because you rag on the subtext so hard." She said with a very genuine grin. A little more time goofing off with Nick and she'd be able to sleep just fine tonight. She was sure of it. The fox looked at her curiously a moment, his ears still back as if uncertain what he should do, before they slipped back upward and he gave a warm smile.

"Okay Fluff, sure, that sounds like a plan. We will swing by the station and I will change and we will head over to Casa Del Shoebox." Judy winced a bit at the title, but her apartment was deserving of it. Still, she did not feel like complaining about his criticism if he was going to hang out a bit. A good night's sleep and she could dismiss this dumb story fiasco forever. He fell into step behind her, hopefully, the thought, not noticing how much more life there was in her stride.