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MY FOXY DAYS

• Parties -

Hi, it's me again, Sam.

I'm a fox, in case you forgot.

Anyway.

Yesterday I was invited to the birthday party of my neighbor Tina.

First I wasn't sure if I want to attend, but after she kept staring at me from her kitchen window like an uncanny wax figure I decided it would be better for my mental health to go. She also said that some of her friends would come too.

Strange, I always had the impression that she doesn't have any friends, or family, because I haven't seen anyone around her for years.

But that's maybe because she's a cat and also owns several pet cats. There's a stigma about people who own their own counterparts as pets -- although they're actually not truly the same. It's more like closely related cousins. You know, like you humans and chimpanzees.

But I digress. My neighbor Tina is a bit of an oddball and slightly neurotic. She has this compulsion I talked about previously: She feels the urge to clean her windows all day while acting like a live commentator.

Her mentioning some friends made me feel a bit less nervous about the whole birthday party situation. I thought: "At least if there're several people around, it will be less annoying to hear her commenting about her breathing."

"Tina inhales. Tina exhales. Tina inhales. Tina exhales. Tina waits and she ponders over what's next. Then she decides to inhale."

Having to listen to this all day really fucked me up when I moved here.

Back to the party situation: I have to confess that I'm not really good a parties. It's just very difficult for me to figure out what they're even for. I just bought a book about how to behave at a party but back at home I noticed two things that bother me about it:

First, it isn't about fox parties but rather about wolf parties. And there's a BIG difference between fox and wolf festivities. Wolf parties usually include an abysmally dark room filled with cigarette smoke that makes you feel like being in a foggy cave close to the gates of Hades. Then you're expected to only wear black shirts. Not dark gray, not onyx, not slate. Black. Preferably midnight black.

But this rule is only active until there's something darker than black. If scientists discover something like that, you need to wear it instead.

Moreover, wolves love to listen to country metal all day. Nothing else. The problem with country metal? If you heard one song you basically heard them all. Last time I went to a wolf party I wondered why they were playing the same song for three hours in a row. Until I realized it was actually a collection of songs called: "Warcry Blackwolf's Growliest Hits".

Fox parties on the other hand aren't about smoke and black shirts and music conundrums. They're usually about sex.

I'm not good at that either, btw.

Anyway, the second problem with the party book I bought is that it only includes things NOT to do at parties. Like: don't show up with a badly combed tail, don't show up uninvited, don't puke into the bowl of punch, don't stab people with forks, don't show up naked (unless it's a fox party) and so on.

I ended up trying to follow the "rules" that seemed to fit my situation. I combed my tail, made sure not to puke all that much and kept the forks away safely.

I wasn't sure about the puking part once I'd knocked at my neighbor's door.

I could hear Tina talking behind it: "Tina notices a knock at the door and asks herself 'Who could it be?'"

She opened, smiled at me and before I was able to say anything she commented: "Tina looks at Sam and notices his nicely combed tail. She also notices that he smells like fox and graciously puts her finger at her chin, wondering when he'd last taken a shower. Her precious nose moves up and down gracefully as she smells that Sam's been a naughty fox this morning."

"Tina's magnificent brain remembers that Sam's been alone for a long time now and that she sometimes can hear him cry in his bedroom. She can also sometimes hear him fap in there. Oh those gorgeous ears of hers."

Do you understand now how something like this can really fuck with your head if you're hearing it all the time?

She interrupted me once again: "Tina thinks that Sam looks good and she ponders if she should ask him out on a date."

I was standing there silently, thinking: "Oh my god no! No, no, no! Please, no. NO!"

She added: "Tina then remembers that she's gay. Such a darn shame for her."

And I thought: "Oh god, thank you Jesus. Or Yahweh or maybe even Allah. Thank you all. I love you so much. Thanks."

Tina finally decided to let me into her apartment where I noticed the suspicious lack of other attendees. Turns out she only invited me and four versions of her split personality I didn't even know about.

The first one is called Tina, she told me. She's a bit awkward.

The second is called Tina as well. And she's insane.

The third is called Tina. She likes yellow things. And she's neurotic.

The fourth is called Bob. He's a plumber. And insane.

"Great", I thought, "We'll surely have a big party then."

While I was attending this "party" I tried to keep my mouth shut and only speak when not avoidable. I also forced my body to make only the most necessary movements to not give Tina any more incentives to comment.

It didn't really help. Especially with Bob talking all the time about how nice it feels to burry half-skinned cats in the backyard.

Well, Tina was right: He's insane.

I tried to direct Tina's attention to innocuous things to comment on. Like the weather or the food she prepared. I figured this way it would almost feel like having dinner with a halfway normal person.

I complimented her on her cooking skills, which weren't halfway bad: "The baked jellyfish is really well done and do I taste a pinch of lemon-lime and hand-crushed black pepper?"

"Tina needs to pee", she responded and then commented her way into the restroom.

The resulting silence around me would've been divine wasn't it for some interspersed comments from behind the door.

"Tina pees ferociously. She can only hope the bowl won't crack."

I made sure to waste as much time with my meal as possible. The fewer activities I was dragged into the better, I figured.

After returning Tina shoved me onto her couch, sat next to me and we watched a movie about cats Bob picked. It was called "Felidae" or something.

Well, I watched it -- or tried to at least -- while Tina kept staring at me and kept commenting about staring at me.

I felt like being in Hell. Or in a Shyamalan movie.

"Tina thinks that Sam looks good in his shirt. She admits that he's a bit neurotic and a weirdo, but still a good soul of a fox. She brushes her marvelous cheeks with her paw and ponders over asking him to be her very best friend forever. Then she plans to go on long picnics with him and to watch the stars with him at that cute cabin in the woods."

I pondered over the right words to say NO!

"If Sam says no, Tina will take a fork and stab him into his testicles repeatedly."

I decided to rethink my potential response to her.

For a moment I gauged what was worse: Being stabbed into the balls and brutishly neutered in unimaginable agony or being forced to spend more time with Tina.

A tricky question.

I said to her that Bob would get lonely if she hangs around with me all the time.

Cool, I got her. It made her ponder for a while.

"Tina has a well argued conversation with Bob", she said. "Bob says that he thinks Sam looks cute and he'd like to ask him out on a date."

... Please no ...

"But then Bob says that he's alright with Sam and Tina meeting up and he'd love to join them. He'll bring some of his delicious cats."

She looked at me, but before she could tell me about the decision she just told herself about, I excused myself and ran into the restroom. There I hastily took out my phone, called Jake who seemed to be surprised about my call and I screamed and begged him to help me.

After hearing me out we devised a plan that included him acting like being my boyfriend and asking me out on a date before Tina's gorgeous brain could come up with any more ideas.

"That'll work", I told myself, wagged my tail and went back into the living room, making sure that Tina would overhear our scripted conversation.

I increased the volume and Jake just finished "Looking forward to seeing you. Love you, bye!"

I looked at her, trying to refrain from a smug grin and said: "I'm so sorry Tina, but I'm busy for the next ... year."

Tina's yellowish cat eyes became smaller and a furrow appeared on her forehead. She exclaimed: "Tina feels the urge to stab something repeatedly."

That's something that should NOT happen! I hastily took out the party book I bought and pointed out that stabbing people with forks is in the "not to do" list.

Luckily she agreed, let me off the hook and out of her apartment.

The devious plan Jake and I came up with really turned out to be a brilliant idea. Tina acted significantly less interested in me the coming days, but her frequent casual commenting about "stabbing something" made me slightly worried.

But that's something I'll think about another day.

Jake had the great idea to advance our "boyfriend" routine even more.

For some strange reason he's really into it and seems eager to give his very best, because he just invited me to his apartment for a fox party.

I'll see if I can pick up a book about that later.

---

Okay, that's all for today.

If you know anything about how to properly behave at fox parties, please tell me. It'd be really appreciated.

Love you all, bye.

:: www.furaffinity.net/user/kranich-im-exil ::