Good Enough Chapter 13
#14 of Good Enough
Chapter 13--Fear and Desire
The door opened and Damien suddenly realized that he had been holding his breath, though he wasn't sure why. Ozzy stood there, a toothpick in his mouth, as he regarded Damien with a strange expression on his face.
"Yo, pooch," he murmured. "What's so special that you're stopping by on a Monday? Shouldn't you be studying or something?"
"Can we talk? I need some advice..."
"Advice from me?" Ozzy asked. "Or are you just horny?"
"Ozzy... just advice," Damien growled. "I just need to talk."
Ozzy chuckled and stepped aside, allowing Damien to enter. Damien walked in and seated himself on Ozzy's bed. Ozzy closed the door and, after grabbing two bottles of water, joined Damien. Damien fiddled with the bottle nervously, wondering exactly what to say. He had thought he knew what he was going to say, what he was going to ask, but now that he was here, every prepared thought escaped him.
"You wanted to talk," Ozzy remarked after a minute. "So, let's talk. What's on your mind?"
"Is... Is it okay to like another male?" Damien finally asked. There, it was asked, the question that had been burning through his mind since that kiss in the park the previous day. No, since before that... Ozzy let out a snort-like laugh and Damien turned to glare at him. "I'm being serious, Ozzy!"
"I know, but if that's all that's on your mind, you've got nothing to worry about," Ozzy stated. "Look, everyone has a right to be happy, whether it's with a lady or a guy. If you want to be with a guy, go for it." Then, Ozzy's eyes narrowed. "Something happened, didn't it? Did Thomas do something? Or was it your stripey friend?"
"Ed?" Damien thought for a moment, then nodded. "Yeah. We talked yesterday. Had a really serious conversation."
"Just talk?" Ozzy prompted.
"...He... Well..."
"Did you two...?" Ozzy asked with a knowing smirk.
"Did we... NO!" Damien said, his face burning with embarrassment. "He just kissed me."
"Did you kiss him back?"
Damien swallowed thickly. "Kind of, but then I realized I needed to stop. After all, I was dating Anna. Shouldn't have been kissing anyone else but her. But..." "Did you want to kiss him back?"
"I did," Damien confessed. "At least, I think I did. He was telling me how he had a crush on me in high school. Looking back, I really liked him too. But... that was a while ago. I don't feel the same way I did then. I felt horrible about telling him that. Like I was breaking his heart."
"You probably were," Ozzy said nonchalantly before taking a swig from his water bottle. Damien looked at him with a hurt look, but Ozzy seemed not to notice. "Honestly, pupper, I don't think there would be any way to say anything to him without breaking his heart. If the tiger really liked you that much and all through high school, he'd probably been fantasizing about taking you out, getting married, making love--"
"Ozzy!"
"What? It's true," Ozzy said. "Doesn't take long for a crush to turn sexual."
Damien sighed. "Well, I don't think he'll want to talk to me for a while. He probably hates me now..."
"And you don't want him to. You'll just have to give it time," Ozzy stated. "You can't force yourself on him out of guilt. Either he'll reach out to you or he won't. People come, people go. Fact of life that sucks ass, but it's true."
"I suppose..." Damien said sadly. Then, he felt Ozzy pat his shoulder.
"Remember, you still got friends, kid. Me, Tommy, Torrie, your band and your girlfriend."
"She's not my girlfriend anymore," Damien explained. "She broke up with me."
"Because you kissed the tiger?"
"Because of Thomas."
Ozzy frowned. "The hell happened? What'd Thomas do?"
"Actually, it's not really his fault," Damien stated. "It was a song that I wrote. My band performed it during the show, but she didn't like lyrics. They were about Thomas."
"It was that song you played on the piano, right?" Damien nodded. "You have all the subtlety of an explosion, pooch. Anyone who knows you and Thomas could've pieced that together. You wrote a love song to someone who you weren't dating. What'd you think was going to happen? She's jealous and has a right to be."
"I know, I know, I fucked up!" Damien snapped, and he suddenly found himself crying. "I've been nothing but a fuck up since I was born."
"You're not a fuck up," Ozzy remarked, "just immature."
"How... how is that much better?" Damien asked in a choked, strained voice.
"It just means you've got room to grow," Ozzy noted. "And now that you're a bachelor, you've got the ability to explore these feelings you've been fighting with."
"What do you mean?"
"Now that you're not dating someone else, you can't use them as an excuse," Ozzy stated with a knowing smile. "Now, I want you to be honest with me. Do you like Thomas?"
"... Does it matter?"
"Stop dodging the question," Ozzy said with a such a severe tone that it almost seemed impossible that Ozzy was speaking. "Do you like him? Yes or no. I promise I won't say anything to him or anyone else. This is just between us two."
"...I..."
"You...?"
"Yes," Damien confessed after a moment. And Damien felt strangely light, as though he was being lifted up from the bed. A short moment of clarity and willingness to give up and give in to the thoughts that had been swimming in his mind for such a time. "I think I do like him. Though it's probably just a crush."
"Isn't that how much loves start?"
Damien chuckled. "Though I'm not sure," he said, wiping his eyes, "if I'm in love yet... Not even sure how I feel about dating a guy."
"Did you like kissing the tiger?"
Damien shrugged. "I think so... did feel kind of nice."
"Think you'd like kissing Thomas."
Damien nodded, wondering where Ozzy was going with these questions.
"Would you kiss another guy?"
"Like who?" Damien asked suspiciously.
"Well, kiss me," Ozzy said, grabbing Damien's chin. Gently, he tilted Damien's head upwards, turning it towards him. He started to lean closer and it took a moment for Damien's mind to register what was going on. But he didn't fight back. Ozzy stopped just centimeters from Damien's muzzle, his breath hot on his nose. "Do you want me to stop?"
"How far are you planning to go?"
"When are you going to make me stop?"
"I don't know if I want to do any of this," Damien said, shifting away. "I mean, I just came over here to talk."
"Well, we've talked... If you want to leave, the door's right there," Ozzy said. "I'm not holding you down and I won't stop you if you want to go." Yet Damien didn't move towards the door. He seemed caught between a fear of what was to come and a desire to stay and find out.
Once more, Ozzy leaned in and Damien didn't back away this time as he felt Ozzy kiss him. He could feel Ozzy reach around, the feeling of Ozzy rubbing his back gently. When Ozzy pulled back, he was grinning.
"So, was that so bad?" Ozzy mused.
"Uh, no... It wasn't..."
"See, it's not a crime to be gay, bi or whatever," Ozzy remarked.
"Then what're you?" Ozzy thought for a moment. "Huh... I never really thought about it. Never really cared much for labels or stuff." He fell silent. "I guess I'm everything."
"Everything?"
"Wait, I know the word for it," Ozzy stated. "It's on the tip of my tongue..."
"...Yes?"
"Pansexual!" he said triumphantly. "Let's go with that!"
"Pansexual? That's a thing?"
"Yep," Ozzy remarked. "That's the best way to describe me. A hypersexual, pansexual energizer bunny."
Damien chuckled, though he wasn't entirely sure why. Perhaps it was because Ozzy sounded so proud for having described himself. Or maybe it was because he felt so calm right now, so at ease. He felt calmer than he had in a while.
The door to the dorm opened and a skinny weasel entered, adjusting his glasses as he surveyed the room in surprise.
"Guess the library closed, Barny?" Ozzy wondered.
"Yes, it did," the weasel, Barny, replied, looking irritable. "Who is this and why is he in our dorm?"
"Sorry, he's a close friend of mine," Ozzy explained. "Damien, this is my roommate, Barny. Barny, this is Damien."
Barny said nothing to Damien, opting only to give him a curt nod. "Well, send him home. I have more studying to do."
"Well, you heard the mega nerd," Ozzy said sadly. "It's time to go, puppy." Ozzy stood and followed Damien out into the hallway. "Before you go, I gotta say"--he leaned forward and kissed the tip of Damien's nose--"you're absolutely adorable when you act so embarrassed." Having said such, Ozzy walked back into his dorm, leaving Damien to his thoughts.
Returning to his dorm, Damien was unsurprised to see Thomas still awake. Thomas was hurriedly writing down answers to his homework, looking annoyed and agitated. Once more, he had left his homework to the very last minute. Yet Thomas looked up at Damien and smiled kindly as Damien entered.
"Hey," he greeted kindly. "Where've you been? You look happy."
"Oh... Just around," Damien said in a halfhearted reply. "... So, what's up with you?"
"Fucking math," Thomas said. "Math is evil..."
Damien chortled and walked over, sitting beside Thomas. "Maybe I can help." Undoubtedly, Thomas had been on the field recently; his scent was strong but somehow, not unpleasant...
September 26th, 20--
Well, there's a lot to report, so bear with me, MJ. I'll do my best to make this... understandable, I suppose. I'm kind of in a strange mood. I feel like shit but also feel strangely... free? Not happy, but okay... I'll survive.
First, Anna's not talking to me. At all. She won't text me, she won't call me, she won't even sit next to me in class anymore; she traded seats with someone I don't know... And to top it off, she won't even look in my direction. I tried to approach her after class, but she's ignoring me completely. She hates me... but hopefully she won't hate me forever.
And it's not just her. I think James and Warren are mad at me too... She spoke to them and she said she might leave Loxosceles. If she does, can we still be a band? And what happens if we fall apart? Then what? I don't want to be alone again.
Not that I'm completely alone. I still have Tommy and Torrie and Ozzy, right?
And speaking of Ozzy, I went to get his advice earlier. We sat and talked and he kissed me. And I didn't move away. I should've, it should've felt wrong... but it didn't... It felt okay. Not the same as kissing Ed had felt, but... not horrible. And we might've gone farther... but I don't know if I want to. I'm not even sure if I'm gay, bi, or whatever. Although Ozzy's sure he's pansexual.
But when I got back to my dorm, I helped Thomas with his homework. And I realized something; I don't know if it's his cologne, deodorant, or just natural smell, but I like the way Thomas smells. And I like how soft his fur is...
--Damien Jaime Blackwell