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A Silly, Merrie, Looney Story

By Cimmaron Spirit

Commission for DragonfireNY

Alright folks, this is important. Please turn off your cellphones and refrain from talking for the duration of the picture. There will be some violence and silly scenarios, including things that really shouldn't be possible, but you are all smart enough to know not to shoot bunnies or ducks that can outwit you in seven minutes or less, right? Well good. Then on with-

"CIMMARON!"

The voice echoed through the marble halls, causing windows to rattle and startled birds to take wing. Had this been a TV show, the camera would have shaken a bit.

The horse in the tan trench coat currently running for his life really didn't care what tricks of the trade a TV studio would have used. After all, he was, as I said just a moment ago, running for his life. The rapid clip-clop of his hooves on the tile floor made it seem like an entire herd of horses was galloping through, not just one bipedal equine.

How did Cimmaron, the time traveler and general adventurer get into this predicament? How did this all happen? How will he-

"We get it!" Cimmaron said, turning to face the unseen narrator, still running. "Alright, we get it. The hero of the story is in danger, he's running for his life, blah blah. Look, exposition is exhausting. So let's just cut to the chase, shall we?"

Well, literally?

Cimmaron looked behind him. "Yeah, sure."

A massive, muscular red arm with fierce looking claws suddenly swiped at Cimmaron, making the horse jump, rather high considering that he was still running a lot. It was almost as if his body was stretching and bending as he commanded it.

"Well that is what is happening!" Cimmaron shouted, slipping as he rounded a corner.

Well, yeah. But it's my job as narrator to explain what is going on right now. After all, had the person who is writing this actually been any good at drawing, this would have been an exciting (and hopefully amusing) comic for people to read.

Cimmaron grunted as he reached into his jacket and pulled out a lasso and a cowboy hat-

Wait, hold up...

Cimmaron suddenly froze in place, everything coming to a screeching halt. "Wait, what?"

Look, I get that you are currently busy, but the people that I'm telling this story too are most likely totally and completely confused as too what is happening.

"Yeah, but you have a nasty habit of dragging on exposition too long," Cimmaron said, resuming some motion, even though everything around him was still frozen.

Okay, fine then, you tell it.

"Then I will!" Cimmaron turned around, then blinked. "Oh... there are... some of you there. Okay." He cleared his throat. "So, long story short, we are currently in Timeline WB-D-908/HB. Those letters and numbers won't mean anything to you. But, this corner of the multiverse is... well... special. Basically, the laws of physics that apply to 99.9% of every other of the billions of alternate timelines out there do not apply here. What goes up does not necessarily come straight down, and every single pocket is basically a bottomless pit with nearly everything in it. Basically, this is just one really long Saturday Morning cartoon and Disney animated film that stretches on forever and ever. So... bear with me, as I start doing some crazy things, okay reader? Also, this is a museum, because of course it is. Alright, back to the picture!"

Cimmaron stretched, took a deep breath, and jumped back into the position he was in before he interrupted everything, reaching for his lasso and a cowboy hat, and positioned it on his head.

The whole scene began to return to action, starting in slow motion before accelerating back to the normal, chaotic speed. Cim continued running, before turning around to face his chaser.

It was a tall red dragon, with golden scales over his chest and equally golden hair on his head, pierced by two large black horns sticking out the top. Wearing only a pair of green and brown camouflage shorts (which, due to the limits of the universe, didn't look like it even moved, even as he pumped his legs chasing the horse). Two red and yellow wings were folded back as he ran, though they would occasionally flap to give an extra boost of speed to try to overtake the horse, which would only make Cimmaron run just that bit faster. Smoke poured out his nose, to the comic sound effect of an old-fashioned steam locomotive.

The horse began to spin his lasso over his head, and, with the end of the hallway coming up, the horse ran up the wall, the spun around, throwing the lasso and perfectly snagging it around the dragons neck. But it didn't really slow the dragon, instead dragging Cimmaron... or rather, turning the time traveling equine into a living, breathing flag that continued to flutter as the dragon kept running. Cimmaron climbed up the rope until he managed to get his hooves on the dragon's back.

"Whoa boy!" Cim said, pulling on the lasso like it was a set of reins. The dragon suddenly skid to a stop, his claws digging into the ground as forward momentum continued until the dragon crashed into a display cabinet, throwing the horse off his back and sliding across the polished floor, gently tapping a podium where a delicate Chinese vase was on display. The blue and white vase began to teeter and then fall, but Cimmaron reached out and grabbed it, with a sigh of relief.

But from the wreckage of the other display cabinet, with splintered wood and broken glass and pottery and other artifacts, the dragon stood up, a scratches and dust marks all over him.

"Cimmaron, you no good for nothing, equine provocateur! I'll get you for this!" The dragon said, stomping toward the horse.

"But what did I do DF?" Cimmaron shouted back, as he tried to scramble to his feet, his hooves slipping on the marble floors, the vase having rolled off to the side as the very angry dragon got closer. "Like, can we just talk about this? Is this for something I did? Or will do? Or another AltCim?"

Dragonfire didn't answer inhaled, and with a mighty puff, blew a fierce stream of flame from his mouth in the direction of Cimmaron.

"Yeeeouch!" Cimmaron scream, jumping straight up several feet into the air, before landing on his hooves and looking at his tail, now on fire. The horse tried to blow it out, using his cowboy hat to try to beat out the flames. But all it did was set the grey hat on fire, and turning into ash in his hand.

The horse looked at his hand, where the hat was. He licked his fingers, and put out the flame on his tail, before, glowering, he marched straight up to Dragonfire, and grabbed hold of the lasso, and pulled the dragon down to eye level with the time traveler.

"That was my best cowboy hat," Cimmaron rumbled, pulling the dragon closer and scrunching their muzzles together. "And you know what they say, this means war!"

DF instead reached up with a finger, showing off his black claw, before bringing it down and casually slicing through the rope that held him.

Cimmaron looked at the rope in his hand as it fell limp in his hand. He looked up just in time for DF to smirk, before headbutting Cim, making the horse smash into the solid concrete wall leaving him implanted in the cement.

Cimmaron managed to free his arms, and then push the rest of his body out of the hole until his body "popped!" right out, and he slumped down onto the floor.

The horse looked up to see Dragonfire smash through the holes that he had already made with Cim. The horse scrambled to his hooves, and began to run again.

"Hey! Get back here!" DF shouted, bumping into another display cabinet. This time, the one artifact inside of it, a intricately carved jade bull, teetered for a moment, before it smashed on the floor.

There was a sound not unlike a bellowing bull, followed a huge puff of green smoke, all coming from the artifact, shrouding the dragon and making him cough. There was some shouts, maybe even a scream, followed by pops, cracks, whomps, bulges and various other strange, onamonapia sound effects. You could only just see through the smoke, but what you could see was confusing and hard to make out. Either way, it wasn't a dragon behind the cloud.

Cimmaron paused mid stride, booth hooves in the air, and looked back to see his chaser was not fulfilling his part of the deal.

But what could have been in the artifact? What is currently happening to Dragonfire? And what is the fate of our equine time traveler?

"WHOA. NO," Cimmaron shouted. "You are not going to leave this on a cliffhanger now!"

But...

"NO BUTS!" Cimmaron said. "I want this story over so I can leave this hecking timeline!" The horse reached down and grabbed a remote, and fast-forwarding through the three minutes of commercials and advertisements until they arrived back to the story.

Cimmaron, setting the remote down, slowly approached the cloud. "Uh... DF? Are you okay?"

There was a loud snort, which blew the green cloud away. Cimmaron's eyes went wide and his mouth dropped, stretching much bigger than it ever should have, landing on the floor with a thud.

It wasn't a dragon standing there, but a large bull, now covered head to toe in totally red fur. Instead of two black horns sticking out the top, now they were white, sticking out the side of his head, and bent upward. A large golden ring hung in his nose of his shorter muzzle, while steam continued to puff out.

But the bull was big. Bigger, more muscular, like he could bend steel beams in his hands without breaking a sweat. Massive shoulders and huge bulging arms, a chest that looked like two boulders shoved together, and thick legs perfect for running.

And somehow the camo pants were still there, against all probability.

And he was clearly pissed off at Cimmaron.

And, as the horse watched, the bull was growing bigger.

"Horse... bad horse! Beat up bad horse!" the bull snorted. Cimmaron meeped.

Dragonfire, though he was no longer a dragon or could breath fire, made a fist, and smashed Cimmaron into the ground before he could get away. Birds and stars began to dance around Cim's head, while a large lump was formed on his head.

The horse shook his head, making the birds flutter away. Cimmaron leapt to his feet, and began running again.

The bull got down on all fours, and dug his feet into the ground, before leaping and charging the horse.

Cimmaron, leading the way, suddenly came to an intersection, and skidded to a stop. "Wait, wait!" the horse said, as DF dug his hooves into the floor, leaving a long furrow as he came to a halt just inches from the horse. "Now, to make this fair to both of us, I think we should go in the same direction, right?"

"I... sure, yeah," DF said, looking at the arrow pointing left, with "Hall of Knives and Swords and Sharp Things" stenciled on, and the one pointing right saying "Gallery of Pillows, Beds and Comfy Things."

"I say we go right," Cimmaron said. "Less likely chance of us having to deal with concerned parents for unwanted cartoon violence."

"No! To the left! Screw the censors!"

"Right!" Cimmaron shouted.

"Left!" DF retorted.

"Right!"

"Left!"

"Right!"

"Left!"

"Right!"

"Left!"

"Right!"

"Right!" Cimmaron bellowed, before winking.

"Left! I say we go to the left!" DF exclaimed, banging his hoof on the ground. "And that's final!"

"Okay, have it your way," Cimmaron said, and then began to sprint to the Gallery of Pillows, Beds and Comfy Things. DF began to chase Cimmaron again as well, but the horse managed to duck into a door and close it behind him.

The Bull, however, just crashed right through the door, sending wood and iron hinges flying everywhere.

"Wait... this... isn't where I wanted to go..." DF suddenly realized, seeing hundreds, if not thousands of pillows lying around.

Cimmaron suddenly popped up, and smacked DF in the face with a feather stuffed case. "Pillow fight!"

DF growled, and grabbed the largest pillow he could, and wound up to hit Cimmaron, but Cim, jumping on a bed that once belonged to King Charles I of England before he lost his head, managed to jump high into the air before the red bull could hit him, and hit him on the muzzle again.

The bull snorted, his eyes turning red (it was hard for his face to turn anymore red than it already was), and began to trying to smack down the annoying horse bouncing around from one expensive bed to another, somersaulting and flipping over the bull, hitting him in the face and back and all over. DF was destroying the beds by now, smashing the gold painted wood and expensive quilts and sheets in an effort to get the horse.

But Cimmaron was just too fast, to agile. DF, his temper rising, finally roared, his anger fueling a big growth spurt, rising up almost half as tall again as he was before. And this time Cim got his jacket hung up on one of DF's horns, leaving the horse dangling high above the ground, and staring right at an angry bull.

"So, uhh... hi?" Cimmaron said, giving a weak forced smile as DF reached up, and flicked the horse off his antler, down the hallway they had fought over, and crashed right into the Hall of Knives, Swords and Sharp Things.

DF charged out of the gallery of ruined beds to see Cimmaron, wearing a toga and with several blades sticking out of his body. He crawled out of the room, to DF, gasping and groaning in pain.

The bull's heart began to break and he reached down and gently scooped up the wounded horse.

Cimmaron dramatically raised his arm up to DF, twitching. "Et tu, Brute? Then fall Caesar!" Cimmaron then fell into the hands that were holding him, his tongue falling out and x's appearing over his eyes.

"Oh no... what have I done!" DF said, tears running down his face. "Noooooo! I didn't mean to do this!"

Cimmaron looked over, smiled and winked, before opening up his golden pocketwatch Chronodevice, and teleporting out of the sobbing DF's hands, leaving a dummy Cimmaron in his place.

Cimmaron reappeared on DF's shoulder. "Eh, what's wrong?"

"I... I killed Cimmaron!" the bull sobbed.

"Now, why did you do that?" Cimmaron asked.

"The horse tricked me. I just wanted to get even with him."

"What did he do to trick you?" Cimmaron asked. "He seemed like a nice guy."

"He was, but he shrunk me! Turned me normal sized. Then left me here, in this cartoony world." DF used the "body" of Cimmaron to wipe a tear from his eye.

Cimmaron pulled out a piece of paper and began to write this down. "Alright, well I don't think I've done that yet, but I better make sure it happens. Can't have the Timeline go out of whack now."

DF suddenly looked up, then at his shoulder where Cimmaron was standing. The horse looked up, gave a smile and waved, before booping the bull's nose, then running down the bull and onto the ground.

"OH! OH! It's going to be like that, now, huh?" DF bellowed, glass shattering all around him. "Then

The chase was on again, this time taking the pair into the Ancient Greek and Roman statue gallery. Cimmaron dashed around statues of ancient heroes, gods, and emperors made of marble and polished stone, but DF barged right through, throwing Athena, Augusts and Achilles from their pedestals and smashing the invaluable works of art to dust and ruins.

Cimmaron slid under a display cabinet, and came up dressed as a Roman Legionnaire, complete with helmet and sword, and slid to a stop right next to a mock up of a Roman catapult. He jumped into the basket that normally would have held rocks or other projectiles at the end, and used the sword to cut the rope. The catapult lurched and threw Cimmaron across the room.

DF continued to charge straight ahead, each hoofbeat of his making him grow just a bit larger and larger, but he skidded to a halt as he saw Cimmaron flying through the air. He stood up, and easily caught the horse in his massive hand, before scrunching the horse into a ball. With a smirk the bull began to dribble and bounce Cimmaron around the floor, before leaping up, and dunking Cimmaron through the window leading to the next gallery, filled to the roof with paintings from the Renaissance.

Cimmaron, dazed and confused, looked up, a priceless work of art smashed into his head. "Well, I guess Chicago has a chance this season."

Suddenly DF was charging again, making Cimmaron, inexplicably back in his tan trench coat, leap up in surprise, hanging in midair as he started to run before taking off like a bullet, dashing further into the display of valuable and expertly crafted works of art. DF was nearly twice the size he was before be was turned into a bull, his broad shoulders bulldozing through two columns and making part of the roof come down. But the participants of the chase were left unscathed as part of the museum came crashing down.

Back and forth, through hallways and doors, where one would enter on the left side, then emerge on the right, and vice versa, and other reality bending forms of transport, DF continued to chase Cim. But soon, the bull was alone, skidding to a halt as he realized that he was now chasing, well, nothing.

"Where horse?" the bull snorted, looking around, confused.

"Ah! There he is!" an artist, with a thick Italian accent, in a smock covered with dried paint and a large mustache and black sunglasses that obscured half his face appeared, with an easel and set of paints and brushes under his arm. "My muse! A perfect specimen! A masterpiece!"

The bull blinked, and gave a sheepish grin. "Why... well... gee..."

"Oh come now, my bovine inspiration!" the artist said, gesturing the oversized bull over to the center of the half destroyed room. "Give me your biggest, baddest bull pose, and I will capture it for eternity!"

As DF stood up, flexing his muscles and showing off his godly size and power, Cimmaron pushed his glasses up to wink, before setting up the easel, and began to paint.

"Hmmm... ehhh... no, that's not right... Maybe? No!" Cimmaron the disguised artist exclaimed. "No, this is not right!" He came around to DF. "Hmmm, something isn't right... just give me a moment," the artist said, climbing up onto the bull.

"Ow! Hey!" DF said.

"Hold still! I just need to..." snip snip, "and..." chainsaw "and how about..." jackhammer noises.

"Perfect!" Cimmaron said, sliding down the gargantuan bull, and quickly finishing the painting on the easel. "This will be my masterpiece!"

Cimmaron the Artist took the canvas and turned it around to show off to the bull.

DF, having had it's hair done up like a little girl and wearing a Japanese school dress uniform much too small, with green eyeliner and it's hoof nails painted every colour under the sun just stared at the painting in shock, before looking down and realizing that what was on the painting was what he was wearing.

The bull, face red in embarrassment, grabbed the painting and ran off to a side room.

"Hehehe," Cimmaron chuckled, taking off the mustache and sunglasses. "What a gulla-bull! What a nin-cow-poop!" The horse paused. "Wait... someone may have already said that."

There was a sudden rumble, making Cimmaron vibrate up and down and cling to a pillar as the earthquake rumbled past, followed by a loud bellow, and the wall that surrounded the door where DF had retreated too exploded outward, the now giant bull, having shed it's embarrassing costume, was now glaring daggers at Cimmaron.

"Eepp!" Cimmaron gasped, and the chase was on again.

The rest of the painting gallery, with various artworks ranging from Raphael's The School of Athens to The Birth of Venus by Sandro Botticelli, and several dozen versions of the Mona Lisa by da Vinci were destroyed in the ensuing rampage that leveled the entire wing of the museum.

Cimmaron took a few more turns, down a few more hallways, past evern more artifacts and objects of value and historical signifigance moments before they were destroyed: the first draft of the Declaration of Independence, the wheel of the Titanic, the original TARDIS from Doctor Who, and even the first hockey stick every made, before charging straight through the front door of the museum.

With a loud smash and roar, the bull, nearly as tall as the museum, burst out of the front wall... somehow leaving the door that Cimmaron had just ran through still standing.

Cimmaron was standing in the plaza in front of the museum, dressed as a matador, complete with a red cape, which he waved right beside him.

DF, his bovine instincts taking over, snorted again, and charged straight at the red cape, which Cimmaron pulled away at the last second.

And the red bull then ran straight into a massive black object, flattening himself on the solid, immovable object.

The giant bull stood up in a daze, swaying back and forth as he tried to get steady, as two giant hoofed fingers reached down to pick up the bull, and bring him eye to eye with a Cimmaron that was several orders of magnitude bigger than Dragonfire.

"Well, well, well, what have we here?" the macro horse asked, looking at the bull before pulling out a large glass jar and setting the bull inside it.

DF looked around, snorted, and charged at the glass. He landed with a solid thunk!, but the glass didn't even crack, instead sending the bull vibrating back into a pile in the middle of the jar.

"Calm down there DF," the smaller Cimmaron said, as he stepped out of a portal on the hand of the much larger Cimmaron. "We're going to get you back to normal. And back to your own timeline, alright?"

DF groggily looked up, gave a thumbs up, and fell down again.

Cimmaron sighed. "Well that was fun. I didn't even get the chance to use the 'stick the finger in the gun barrel' trick. All well."

Well, why not do it now?

"Because this story is over."

Are you sure, we are still talking!

"Yes. That's-"

But there are still questions to answer!

"That's all-"

Like how are you going to

"NOT IMPORTANT!" Cimmaron bellowed. "Th-Th-The, Th-Th-The, Th-Th... That's all, folks!"