Agony
I can see it in their eyes, they think I'm filth, a contamination of their precious Abbey. I don't belong and they know it, I know it. I wasn't born a Redwaller but I grew up within these walls, lived, worked. Yet I'm nothing, an outcast, an unwanted anomaly, an occurrence in their beloved history they wish they could scrub away to make it pure once more. I hate them. I hate every single one of them, down to the littlest babe. It wasn't my choice to be brought here, it isn't my fault that I'm different. I am who I am. They shouldn't care, I'm supposed to be one of them! They raised me as such, but now I know it was out of obligation.
As I walk the halls of the abbey, day in day out, I notice as I grow older, bigger, and less invisible. The stares become stronger and more common than normal. I suppose I'm no longer their charity case, and instead, a burden they have to deal with. A problem they had thrust onto themselves out of their good will and morals. They couldn't leave an orphan, they couldn't leave me to die. Now I believe they silently regret their decisions to take me in as one of their own. I am not a monster, I'm not a villain, a killer, a rapist. I'm a Redwaller. I am what a Redwaller should be, yet they don't see it. It turns my stomach to be alienated like this, shunned by the society that brought me up, one that pretended to love me. They were supposed to be the family I never got to have.
I resent them. They see me as a monster now, maybe they'll make a monster out of me. Do they want to see me become what they fear most? A savage beast that kills for fun? Rapes, and pillages? It's their fault, everything is their fault. I didn't do anything to deserve this, I work hard for this abbey, I do anything and everything for every beast within these walls. My efforts are always ignored, never praised. Not since old Abbot Matthew, the one that truly did like me for me, the one that treated me as an equal, took me in as one of his own. He preached good will, peace, and prosperity for all. Yet it was cast upon deaf ears. Every beast in this abbey trusted Matthew, but once he died, his word no longer mattered. The one beast that loved me left, leaving me with those that never tried to.
As Abbot Matthew's teachings were forgotten and I became older, their resentment for me grew. I've been treated like trash. Abused mentally on the daily. The children that I had shared this abbey with, slept with and ate with, all started to sense the hostility the adults radiated toward me. As we grew older they abandoned me, beasts that I had once called friends became enemies. They follow the paw steps of their elders, paw print for paw print.
I used to be happy, I used to love everything and everyone, growing up in the legendary Abbey of Redwall was a privilege that I did not take for granted. Fruitless as it was I aimed to prove myself.
I feel myself slipping... The depression that these creatures push onto me is endless, filled with silent suffering. They stuff their fat gullets with the prosperity of the land they live on. They take everything they own for granted and treat those that are different than they with the same respect. They don't know what they have, they think everything should be delivered to them on a silver platter.
They don't know suffering. Maybe it's time they did? Maybe I should give them a taste of the suffering I've had to endure because of them!
Is it wrong of me to want revenge? They've broken me, turned me into what they always saw me as. Is it really wrong of me to do as they do onto me?
No. It shouldn't be, it's their fault!
They walk past me, fear evident in their eyes, cowering as if I'm ready to pounce on those that I used to love and hold so dearly.
I've been betrayed. The feeling sat uneasily within me, beasts from Redwall shouldn't act like this, discarding one of their own because of their stereotypical racism. I should give them a reason to hate me, a real one...
Brother Jeffry lay dead in his chambers, slain by an unknown assailant. The evidence of a struggle in his small dorm was apparent and the winner of the pitiful scuffle cowered in the crowd somewhere, pretending to be scared along with every beast else. Eyes turned to me as I too joined the crowd. They blamed me. Of course, they blamed me, being the violent savage beast they paint me as...
I didn't do it.
Brother Jeffry had been a friend of the late Abbot Matthew, taking all he had done to heart. He was kind to me. I did mourn his passing, just as much as any other beast within these infernal walls. I had feelings too, not that they could see them. I didn't shed a tear, I didn't want to show weakness in front of those that would wish to exploit it. The crowd of my so called family erupted into murmuring and arguments. The air reeked of fear, their world has been flipped turned upside down. They don't know how to cope, they don't know what to do in a time of crisis. There was a murderer among them, and they knew it. Like an animal pushed into a corner, the panic rose, and some started to point fingers. My name was thrown around, which was met with opposition from some. Currently, only the new Abbot decided not to let any beast be accused without first examining the evidence.
I slunk away, pushing deep into the shadows. I wouldn't let this be pinned on me. I would find the killer myself, I will show these fools that I'm the Redwaller that I have always truly been.
I found myself back at Brother Jeffery's private quarters a few hours after sunset. The halls were empty, most having gone to bed early after their "Traumatising" experience. Made it easier to sneak up the corridor with a lit candle in tow. The area outside Jeffrey's room still had a lingering odour of fear. It was almost intoxicating. The heavy wooden door squeaked open, revealing the evil within.
I scoured the room for clues, anything that might lead me to the real killer. I will not be framed for a murder I did not commit nor would commit. Poor Brother Jeffry fought hard, his oak desk had been overturned, ink splattered the ground where his inkwell had fallen. Books scattered the stone floor, pages had been strewn about. Blood stained the floor near the doorway, Jeffery must have tried to escape when he was cut down, a cowardly back stab. The thick smell of fear clouded the true scent of the room, lucky for the killer, too many scents mingled and lingered. I couldn't pick out anything important, instead, I lowered my candlestick, allowing for more light to wash across the cold surface. The extra light revealed paw prints, some red from the blood, and others black from the ink. They had been scuffed out, rubbed away by the murderer. They were unrecognisable, but clearly prints of the two that fought here. Though a third larger set presented itself, perhaps a third had taken part in the murder. Three sizes of prints. Three creatures.
Voices could be heard trailing up the halls. I didn't have much time. I hurried around the room, looking for any other clue, anything that could link me to the beast responsible. Nothing but old books, and bloody paw prints. Nothing pointed anywhere, none of the pieces fit, why would someone from Redwall commit a heinous act?
The voices sounded closer, I hurried out of the room, pinching the candle flame plunging myself into a sudden darkness. I slunk away opposite of the voices, silently padding towards my dormitory.
I slept uneasily, sleep coming and going. I soon found myself awake in my bed, thoughts racing through my head. The snores of other redwallers filled the dormitory, they slept like sleeping babes. There could be intruders in the abbey, a murderer among us, or something more sinister. Thoughts do not plague the innocent minded. They do not know hardship, they do not need to, never have. They may mourn for Brother Jeffrey, but they do not understand the situation that has befallen them.
Being bound to bed at a time like this makes my stomach turn. I cannot afford to be seen lurking around the halls of the abbey at this sensitive time. They might take any chance they can to make me a solid suspect. I believe that if some beast else died on this day, I might not be so free. They still suspect me, out of racism and fear, the Abbot, however, will not stand for it. I need to bide my time.
A/N: Should I continue this?