The White Horizon: Chapter Four: Dying
#6 of The White Horizon
The group decides what to do with the corpse while Finn remembers how Nick died.
"Holy shit!" Kiah exclaimed, his voice echoing off the icy walls of the cave.
"What- is that a corpse?" He said in a concerned tone.
Pan nodded.
Kiah took a few steps back, clasping his paws around his bloody muzzle in shock.
"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!" the otter swore, his green eyes darting around in panic.
"Calm down, Kiah." Lakota said, walking slowly towards the panicky brown-furred mustelid.
She placed a white paw on Kiah's back lightly moving it back and forth.
"It's okay, everything's going to be okay." she said reassuringly.
Kiah pushed away from her, then turned around, regretting his decision. His eyes showed confusion, guilt, and fear all at once. His thick, long, brown tail twitched nervously as he went over to Pan, who was still standing over the corpse.
I glimpsed Clay walk past Lakota and over to the corpse. I saw determination in his yellow eyes. His grey ears flicked back and forth as he crouched next to the corpse.
"I didn't touch it, out of respect." Pan said quietly.
I finally broke my gaze from the corpse. I couldn't do it, not with what just happened to Nick less than a week ago. I wanted to fall on my knees and scream, instead I slowly composed myself by breathing steadily. With each inhale I bottled up a little more of my emotion and with each exhale I felt better. My tail twitched uncontrollably, something that often happened when I was scared. I was scared for my emotional state. I can't think of Nick now, not now. I don't want to think of how he died. B
Breath in.
Breath out.
Breath in.
Breath out.
"We should bury it." I said.
Clay turned to me, an unfamiliar gaze in his yellow eyes.
"We need to search him Finn, he could have something." the coyote stated.
Kiah still had his hand over his muzzle.
"What could he possible have?" I ask, not realizing I'm yelling until it's too late.
"Gee, Finn I don't know, food? A working radio? There's a million different possibilities!" Clay replied.
"Well, shouldn't we have some level of respect?" I asked.
I saw Pan and Kiah nod in agreement. I turned to Lakota who didn't move a muscle. Her arms were crossed and one of her paws had formed a fist. Her yellow eyes were questioning us all.
"Clay, search him quick, then we'll bury him." the she-wolf said, giving me a nod.
"Okay," The coyote sighed, happy to have the conversation over with. I could still tell Clay was pissed off for having to bury a jackal he didn't even know.
Kiah turned away from the corpse and bent over. By the sounds he was making I knew he was retching what little dinner he had had earlier. Pan turned around the help him. Lakota gazed around the cave, but altogether nobody was watching Clay except me. I didn't want to, but my body was frozen as the coyote lightly pawed through the jackal's jacket. I watched him pull something silver and glimmery from the corpse and stick it in his pack.
I did nothing, I thought it was a knife. Why he stowed it away secretly, I didn't know. Clay turned away from the body. I knew questioning the coyote now would make him flip out. He was already on edge with finding a corpse and having to deal with another dead body.
As I look at the corpse Nick's blue eyes flash before me. I start to think of him, the night before he died. The last night I was with him.
The snow roared outside our snug little cave as we went over our provisions. I silently offered my whiskey to Nick, but he shook his head. I put it back in my pack with the rest of my belongings. I'm staring into Nick's blue eyes, trying to figure out what the husky is thinking. We're both sitting a few feet away from the rest of the group, so they don't notice when I lean up and kiss him.
He kisses back. The first time he has in months. Our muzzles connecting and interlocking seamlessly as they had done so many times before the snowy apocalypse. I break our brief moment of passion up, and look at him again. His muzzle forms a smile. His blue eyes light up.
"Nick, glad to have you back." I laughed lightly slapping my paw on his chest.
"Yeah, sure." The husky shrugged, looking me up and down with a smile. I smiled back. He was so cute right then.
I glanced playfulness in his eyes and kissed him again. This time with my eyes closed, and I know he closed his too. The group had begun to notice, especially when he fell back. He broke it up when he heard their hushed murmurs. Kiah is telling a crude joke, possibly about us, but I can't hear it.
"Uh," I started.
Kiah snickered.
"No, it's okay continue don't let us interrupt you." The otter laughed.
"Ew!" I heard Clay say under his breath nuding Kiah.
Lakota rolled her eyes jokingly as any mother would do if she saw her kid locking lips with their partner.
"You two keep it PG over there." She chided.
Nick looked at me and laughed something he hadn't done in a while. I kissed him quickly once more. Kiah groaned, Pan laughed, Lakota smiled, and Clay frowned. What did he care? At least we didn't take it any further.
I took my eyes away from the group and saw that Nick had retreated into himself again. He looked tired, like it had taken all his energy just to kiss me those couple of times. I laid down beside him, careful not to get too close so the group didn't suspect anything. I rested my paw on his arm and ran my other through his tail. Something I used to do all the time before this neverending snow.
His eyes were glassed over. He was in a whole other world. Perhaps, he was going away, perhaps to the past when we were together, I'd never know.
Kiah goes back to telling his joke and the rest of the group turns away from us.
"What's wrong Nick?" I ask.
The husky's glance darted all over, but never once focused on me. He seemed very distressed. It made me concerned, since he had just been all over me only a few moments ago.
"Nothing, Finn, I'm fine. Just tired." He stated.
"Okay, well I'll just be here beside you. Okay. If you need anything tell me." I said softly.
Nick sighed and turned his back to me. The two of us were silent as the rest of the group went on babbling about previous lives. Pan was telling them how he used to be an IT guy and everybody thought the ermine was speaking another language when he started on wires and networks. The ermine seemed like he was just going through the motions, though. His story seemed forced, like he just wanted to be included in the discussion.
"Nick, seriously, you need to talk to me." I said, placing a paw on his back.
The husky turned over to face me.
"Finn," He whispered.
"What Nick?" I ask in a hushed voice.
"I don't want to be walking with this group anymore." The husky replied quietly.
"Why?"
"You see the way they look at us. They probably call us fags behind our backs. I can't take the way they look at us. They're all judgemental dicks." He said, I could see tears forming in his eyes now.
"Nick, I've never seen them look at us badly, and we were kissing pretty passionately earlier, and PDA isn't only offensive when it's between two men." I replied to the husky softly, continuing to stroke the red fur of his tail.
Clay started telling a joke about a bar, Kiah burst into laughter at the punchline while everyone else remained quiet.
"No, they only stopped it because it was between us. Because they hate us!" Nick had started to raise his voice.
"Nick, you're being paranoid." I said, trying to calm the husky down, he had already drew the attention of the group again.
"Is everything okay over there?" Clay asked jokingly.
"Fuck off!" Nick replied.
"Jeez, okay!" The coyote retorted going back to his discussion.
"Fuck me!" The coyote swore in annoyance.
Nick looked back at me, his blue eyes gazing into my green. His two red ears twitching slightly from the cold of the snow.
"I am not being paranoid, Finn. It's a tacit thing they have going-"
"Nick, you are overreacting, just go to sleep." I said.
"Finn you should understand of all people, with what your family did to you after they found out." Nick retorted with a harsh glance.
"You don't mean that." I say, putting a paw on his chest.
"Let's just forget about this discussion, okay? At least until the morning." I said softly, I knew it was making the husky feel terrible and his sorrow was starting to become contagious. I fell asleep with his tail resting in between my two paws. When we lived together before whenever one of us was stressed we'd stay up and talk about it all through the night.
If Nick was feeling bad I'd lay in a way he could stroke my tail and vice versa. It was our little thing we did to help each other out. This was the first time we've done it and our conversation has gotten nowhere.
"Alright, let's get this over with!" Clay said turning to the group.
Kiah was still hunched over. Pan was helping the otter clean himself up. Lakota turned to the coyote.
"Did you find anything?" she asked.
"No, absolutely nothing." The coyote lied.
I quickly gave him a look, but said nothing. He probably just wanted whatever he took for protection. Clay and Lakota walked over to the corpse and grabbed it slowly. The coyote had what was left of the jackal's legs, and Lakota had the arms. Together they carried the body about three feet before it split in half, the two halves of the corpse fell miserably at the two dog's feet.
Kiah turned around briefly only to turn right back around and start vomiting again. Clay and Lakota dropped the pieces of jackal and covered their muzzles. Lakota took a few steps back, she gasped. I saw shock in her yellow eyes as the bulged. Clay walked away from the corpse entirely. A bad smell suddenly hit my nostrils. I could feel bile coming up my throat. I managed to swallow it down. What was left of the jackal's guts were strewn all over his split corpse.
He casually walked by Kiah and Pan, and trying not to look like the incident had hurt him, he told them it was time to go.
"Finn, we're going back to camp. Get Lakota." He commanded.
I walked over to the she-wolf and told her Clay's commands. She nodded and followed me.
Several hours had passed and the entire group including Nick were asleep. I couldn't close my eyes for the first time in weeks. I was too busy thinking about my discussion with the husky. Maybe he was right? Maybe the group didn't like us?
No, that couldn't be it.
I needed to talk to Nick. The scream of the snow outside the cave could cover our conversation. I placed my paw on the back of the husky's head. Nick slowly woke up and turned over to face me.
"What?" he asked sleepily as he got up.
That moment of touching his head had got to me. I selfishly wanted more. I wanted to kiss him again.
"Do you love me?" I asked with a mischievous grin on my muzzle. I rested one of my paws behind his head, slowly moving it back and forth along the back of the husky's neck, feeling his fur slide between my fingers.
Nick sighed then smiled.
"Yes, Finn I love you." He said staring at me lovingly with his beautiful blue eyes.
"Kiss me." I said, with a bit too much lust in my voice.
The husky moved himself over slightly. He brought our muzzles together and I forgot all about this neverending winter. I moved my paw to his chest again and worked my up to his neck feeling his muscular body through his many layers of clothing. We still had our lips locked when Clay kicked me.
I hadn't even realized the coyote was sleeping near me.
"Seriously?" he whispered to us as I broke this kiss.
"Get a room."
Nick turned to the coyote.
"There isn't one, unfortunately." he said with a smile, and kissed me again.
He was being so bad, but part of me loved him for it. I could feel Clay's glare on my back as we continued to kiss. Finally, Nick broke it up. Part of me knew it was wrong to be this physical in front of everyone, but I felt like Clay wasn't telling us to stop because of PDA.
"Finn, I love you." he said. Playfully wiping his muzzle with a paw.
I smiled.
"Me too," I said squeezing his arm.
"Ugh, just fucking do it already!" Clay whined quietly.
"That's why I need you to come with me." Nick said, slowly getting up.
"Wait, what?" I exclaimed.
"Where?"
"Anywhere, but here. We can walk The White Horizon together, and be together all the time. Just you and me Finn." The husky said as he stood up, shouldering his pack. Clay sat up and glared at the husky.
"What are you doing?" the coyote asked turning his yellow eyes to the blue of my partner's. The coyote was royally pissed now.
"I'm leaving." the husky replied curtly.
"Really?" Clay asked.
"Yeah," My eyes darted back and forth between the two canines.
"Isn't it too cold out though, maybe you should wait till the morning." Clay stated.
I tried to bud in, but Nick cut me off.
"I'll be fine Clay, plus I'll have Finn with me for support, right Finn?" Nick asked looking me in the eyes the way he had just done when we had locked lips. He just wanted to be alone with me. It was innocent. My heart ached for the husky and I wanted to go with him, but my logic said:
"Nick, I can't." I stammered.
"These... may be the only people left alive." I stuttered pointing to the three other people in the group, fast asleep.
"Finn, you heard what I said earlier. We can be together, and nobody can judge us." He replied.
"This is over you two wanting to fuck?" Clay asked bluntly and in annoyance.
"Jeez, no!" I said glaring at the coyote.
"I just don't want to have everyone making assumptions-" Nick started.
"What,, that you're gay? Cause that ship has sailed." Clay interrupted.
"Clay," I said reproachfully.
"I'm perfectly fine with you two being together. I had a girlfriend who was bisexual, but no matter what gender you are, you were getting pretty physical with each other-"
"Fucking hell, it's because there's no privacy!" Nick yelled.
The rest of the group awoke.
"Well, I can't do any fucking thing about that Nick can I?" Clay asked.
"I'm sorry." Nick replied quickly, not really meaning it.
"What's all this about?" Lakota asked taking a place by Clay's side.
"Nothing, it's just nothing." Nick said looking down.I saw a tear drip from one of his eyes, but he quickly wiped it away.
"It's nothing."
I saw the husky's eyes briefly glimpse at the mouth of the cave.
He turned to me.
"I'm leaving." He whispered into my ear.
Everything slowed down. It was now or never. My time to decide whether or not to go with my boyfriend out into the snow. I'd ventured with him everywhere else in my life.
The husky dashed out of the mouth of the cave. I scrambled to the opening to find him turning around.
"FINN!" He yelled.
"COME ON!"
I dashed for my backpack. I knew it was impulsive, but I wanted to be with him and I couldn't be if he was somewhere else. I didn't notice Pan step in front of the opening until it was too late.
The ermine tried to block me, but I pushed past him, knocking him over
"Finn, you'll die the temperature is too low." The ermine called after me.
I was a few feet out of the cave. Nick was just barely visible in the distance. I reached out a paw to find his figure, but I felt something hit me and I fell face-first into the snow.
We arrived back at our previous encampment quicker than I had expected. Kiah and Pan sat down together and began to converse rapidly as usual, except this time their conversation looked serious. Kiah's green eyes were swelling with tears. I took one of the torches from Pan so he could help Kiah. I glimpsed a bloodstain on the bottom of the metal pole.
Clay was sitting next to Lakota and I heard them talking about building a fire. I took a few steps away from the group to be alone with my thoughts. I threw my pack on the ground. I quickly unzipped it to find the whiskey lying on top of the rest of my belongings. I untwisted the cap and took a long drink from the burning liquid. The burning sensation continued down through my chest all the way to my belly where it said and grumbled for a while.
I screwed the cap back on and fell to my knees. I had killed Nick. I dipped my fingers in the alcohol and spread them on a cut on the back of my head.
My vision was blurred. I could make out a tiny red trail through the snow. My head was throbbing. I was being dragged, I turned my head and saw I was being dragged away from Nick, back to the cave by my legs. I kicked and lashed the best I could. My paw connecting with someone's ribcage. I felt my legs drop.
My vision came to. I felt my pack still on my back. I could still make out the husky in the distance, but he wasn't standing anymore. I stood up, and started running. As I got closer I could see Nick lying in the fetal position on the snowy ground.
I had almost reached him when I was tackled to the ground. I felt my breath go out of me. I turned over to see that it was Clay.
"PAN SAYS IT'S TOO COLD. YOU CAN'T BE OUT HERE!" the coyote yelled.
"NO! WHAT ABOUT NICK?" I replied, still pinned underneath the coyote's weight.
I was only a couple of yards away from my partner's soon to be corpse, and I swore I could hear him moaning in pain.
"YOU CAN'T SAVE HIM, YOU'LL DIE FINN!" Clay yelled, piercing me with his yellow eyes.
"I'LL WALK BACK THEN. YOU CARRY HIM!" I retorted.
"WE CAN'T!" Clay said.
I knew what he meant. I didn't want it to be true, but Nick had effectively killed himself. If we took him back to the cave we'd just be prolonging his inevitable death. When he rushed out he hadn't layered up as much as he usually did since he had been sleeping.
"WE HAVE TO!" I replied, not wanting it to be true. I was choking back tears now. My eyes bursting with them. Could Clay see how distressed I was? Did he even care?
I saw Lakota come up behind the coyote and she helped me up, she had tear stains on her muzzle. I thought nothing of it at the time. She didn't know Nick, she didn't deserve...
Yes, Lakota did. She was like a mother to us all. If anyone other than me deserved to give tears for Nick it would be her.
"YOU CAN SEE HIM TOMORROW AND SAY GOODBYE!" the she-wolf said to me.
"NO NO NO!" I cried.
I had already given him up. I turned back briefly, but kept walking held upright by the wolf. I could have ran back to Nick, but my brain said no. It knew that I would die too. In that moment that's what I wanted... to die with my partner by my side, but my friends wouldn't let me. Sometimes I wished I would have run back and frozen to death.
I can't describe the next few hours after that. Every howl of the wind I thought I heard Nick's cries. We all stayed up and stared into the storm, waiting for morning or for it to break. Whichever happened first.
My body went limp. For the first hour I thought that the husky would come crawling back, after he didn't I gave up. I gave in. I cried on the edge of the cave mouth for hours.
When the storm did break in mid-morning, we all silently got up and started walking towards the corpse.