Dissociation
#1 of Dissociation
I have been going places, but I am not there... Where did I go for those five minutes?
Hey all! I was hit with this story idea in the middle of a depressed TV marathon. With the help of a sweet little pooch of mine and your comments, more installments shall follow. Be warned, it WILL have M/M things going on eventually but that is not the main focus.
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Dissociation
Chapter 1
I fell into it again, as easy as I open my refrigerator and pull out the box of ice cream. A few minutes of moving my hands without my brain being behind the helm. Simple, wonderful. Only the bare-bones function of whatever it is that pleases me, whatever I might want to do in that moment. Almost automatic, these moments, but I let myself shift into that gear as if it were manual, as if I really could say no to my body when it asks for this. I know the score. In some way, these pleasures once in a while cure me of my biggest use of energy: the Me that's holding the Me at the helm; cradling from behind perfectly. The incredible one that doesn't ever let me take a step without placing a paw on my paw from behind, as if to say, 'Are you sure that's what you want to do?'
I sighed into the absolute bliss of letting Him know, 'Yeah, I'm so sure'... even if that assertion only applies to a lick of something sweet from the ice box.
"Ceylan. Dearest. You're far too old to take such pleasures in dirty ways."
I winced and turned around, muzzle sticky with mint chocolate and paw still claw-deep in the frozen confection that called to me so sweetly. "I... uh, meant to just have a taste, y'know. Before dinner?"
With a trace of a smile, my only sibling relaxed her mock-serious stance. "Yeah, well, paws are for pizza, not ice cream. Even if it is a clever way to avoid dishes." She bobbed her head a little, probably noting all the good reasons for stealing a pawful of food instead of resorting to a spoon, but then she flipped back to the little-practiced mother role. "But I'm supposed to tell you to eat dessert later, right? It's dinner in a minute! Soon as the general tso's gets here, anyway-special treat for us tonight! And you won't get any if you don't stop doing uncivilized things."
She always mixed her admonishments with her rewards, her annoyance with her affections. It was quite confusing when I was younger and would, say, get stung by a bee. It would be, 'Why did you go and chase the damn thing in the first place?-Whoa, look how big that welt is! Freakin' cool! We're taking a picture!'
"Special?" I focused on the dinner subject so I could easily stow away the crime scene mid-sentence. "What do we have to be special about tonight? It's Wednesday and we're still poor and I was shit at my test today and you said earlier that your boss destroyed your eardrums over a monumental misfiling feat of extraordinary proportions."
"No, I said it was only somewhat of a shitstorm over a mildly misplaced case file." She huffed as if I had challenged her integrity. "And I found it a few minutes later, y'know, tucked half under the weird plastic stuff under our desks that helps the chairs roll around better. I had a painful time pulling it out from under there with all those little pokey bits that grab the carpeting. But see, that's pretty much exactly what makes this dinner special!" A cheesy grin. "It's the dead middle of the week and I almost cried today! But I didn't get fired! And the school can't fire you for sucking at math!"
I removed my licked-clean paw from my muzzle to swipe it through the air dismissively. "So really, you just couldn't wait till Saturday for delicious MSG to course through your system."
She nodded emphatically. "Also true."
I shrugged and ended the conversation there, happy with the fact that I was guilty of something normal, unlike last week. I washed my hands to make sure I was a step ahead of any of her half-serious requests for cleanliness, and I lost the blissful moment. What was I just then? I was merely a boy who yielded to his primal sugar urge. Right. But was the urge brought on by the snack, or was the movement just as satisfying, pacifying? It was like sex to feel myself get up and move, as if there were two men underneath my golden palanquin, sweeping me along the hallway to the kitchen.
Today I relaxed and let myself eat something, enjoying the limp walk from desk to 'fridge. Yesterday, it wasn't such a short journey. Last week, it was even longer. And neither would have seemed normal to anyone's eyes.
I steeled myself with thoughts of over-sauced chicken and let the warm Me encircled my waist as he always has. I found my bed, arms spread wide to stretch and twist out a cramp. Here goes the thinking again, here goes the logic. Touching my hip with one digit, touching His hand as if it were real, I was reminded of the good that balances the bad of this other Me; the twenty-five cent yin-yang bouncy ball of my existence. Other than to second-guess me, he touch was there to say, 'It's ok, I'm here. I know. I will protect you.' I gripped my waistline and let it go, growling out. If this keeps happening, I'll need it. If I can't keep Him close to me, by my side like was natural for all life, I'll need the kind of protection no one could offer.
My paw slid down over the thinner fur of my lower stomach to the thick patch that grew around my favorite thing. I slipped out another growl. Whatever I am in any other place, where my paw gripped was simple and good. The door was already shut and I judged maybe five minutes of peace before the Chinese food arrived.
--
I looked on at the line of buses from behind the atrium window. The entrance to my school was extravagant and unnecessary; the kind of palace of steps that most books of history would locate in decadent Rome or in the hidden homes of South American drug lords. Some of the people running this school, in fact, could be remembered as drug lords or Romans, provided the right person wrote them into history. The seldom-opened text would read: And then sometime in the twentieth-century, Republicans took over and made it their duty to emulate all the worst characteristics of Roman culture by celebrating sport and fine imagery while dashing down intellectualism and singular identity. But if the readers who were assigned this textbook were anything like my classmates, none of that would be read and passed on. Just the lectures of a depressive mole like Mr. Augusten, or the worksheets that were absolutely required but never covering the most interesting facts of history.
From this spot in the echoing hall I should have been able to find my friend, Launa, but she never showed. She couldn't have been missed, either, being one of two giraffes in the entire school. I saw the first round of buses rumble to life and cart away their passengers, soon replaced by another line of honey mustard vehicles. Those too left by the time I decided she wouldn't show and pushed through the double set of doors alone.
Most of the crowds of students were gone by now, all but the few that rode the third-string buses that went as far out of town as the district would allow. These were affectionately referred to as the Boonie Buses. I recognized a few faces, but most of my friends were from the city so I wasn't approached for small talk. I scratched my thigh through my corduroy front pockets and relaxed into the feeling of the warm sun. It didn't piercing my thoughts to worry about the fact that my bus was first-string and Launa's bus was second. I didn't even think on where she might be if she hadn't taken her bus. I just found myself devoid and a little tired from the long day.
I moved forward like I was standing in the same spot, soaking in the rays. I climbed onto the 93 and sat down in the back. I looked at myself still standing on the sidewalk and scratched my thigh again.
There was a text message. [Hey Cey, cant believe I forgot to txt you sooner. Im at the lab overtime since 7th period.] I stared at the screen. I felt my ass jump as the bus went over a pot hole.
"What the fuck." I looked around and saw no buildings or signs or people I knew. "How the hell!" I stood up, practically shouting. But it was only slightly louder than the normal bus chatter. A tawny hare was staring at me and a stout was laughing at the sudden outburst. I texted back frantically, as if that was the first logical thing to do. [ohshitohshit L, I took some random bus. I have no idea why.] My bones seemed to return to their sockets and I was straight as a rod, but didn't move. What would I say? Would I tell the bus driver I got on the wrong bus, even as a sophomore? They would think I missed the short bus if I did that, but what else? I chewed down my index claw out of habit, torn between moving to the front or sitting back down. My breath was in my throat with such a heartbeat I could pass out, but I couldn't do anything one way or another.
I stood there clutching the back of the seat in front of me, frozen. It felt like one of those times when I would take a nap and wake up so suddenly and with such a feeling of loneliness that I would almost cry because I didn't know where I was or if anyone was there, if just for a moment. But this wasn't a nap or a familiar place; I was the one who boarded this bus and sat in this spot. No one could've moved me but me. I felt myself shiver, felt the loss of those arms around my waist; the lack of Me behind me to perform that second function and tell me I'm ok. Instead it was only dullness, like two days ago. Only confusion.
More laughter. "Hey! Did'ya sit on a pile of shit or somethin' 'cause you're totally mental right now! It's sort of freaking us out."
"In the best way ever!" another voice chimed in. "I bet he's doing that for one of Mrs. Nezbit's acting assignments or something-he definitely doesn't ride our bus, does he, Johnny?"
"Not at all. But I've seen him before in like English comp or something. Hey, are you in there?" A hand was wiping an invisible windshield in front of me. "Helloooo?"
It took me a second to blink away the abyss behind my eyeballs. "Yeah," I croaked, "my bad." I managed to sit down, still gripping the seats with sweaty hands. I talked a bit more out of preservation. "I totally grabbed the wrong bus. Must've been texting or something..."
The stout named Johnny chuckled not unkindly. "Oh man, you must feel like an idiot, huh? Ol' Marma up there's not gonna like driving you back to school, either, I'll tell you that much. She kills freshmen and eats them for breakfast and growls at the rest of us, even when we open the windows!"
I caught sight of the badger in the large rearview mirror and licked my lips. "Oh, yeah? Well I probably should go up there anyway. I mean, she can't say no or anything, right? It's not like I was trying to sabotage her bus route. I'm just fucking stupid."
The hare and stout looked at each other meaningfully. "Last time someone took her bus by accident, mate, she went straight to the bus lot and made the poor fellow walk home."
Vibration. [lol! No friggin way are you high? Whatre you gonna do?]
"Oh." I didn't bother to respond to Launa, just sunk back into my seat and tried to regain my composure.
The hare cocked her head to the side. "Hey, uh, I might be able to help." She tapped her foot as if to weigh some secret odds. "Johnny and I were gonna hang out today anyway since he lives right next to me-well, like a quarter mile next to me which is the closest neighbor-but yeah. He's coming over today 'cause his dad's car broke down and they need groceries 'cause it's been like a month since they had anything good to eat in that house and my dad is going into town to get some stuff too and we're sort of making a trip out of it, as lame as that sounds. Really he'd be over anyway 'cause we're friends and he mooches off our satellite TV and stuff."
"Taylor, really. Details."
"Yeah, yeah. Point is, you're lucky. I'm gonna see if you can't tag along and we'll take you back into town with us and I guess home, if it's not too far. I mean at the very least we can wait so your mom or dad could come pick you up."
"Sister," I corrected and then recovered quickly with, "and thanks a lot. I..." Looking back up the aisle, I felt Marma's eyes on me. "I think I might wanna avoid that badger lady like you said." I sighed a bit to show some outward appreciation for a solution to the problem, but inside I was still rooting around like an infant who had lost its nipple. I was standing somewhere three inches tall deep inside, looking up at the hole where my muzzle opened and seeing the tendrils of my breath flowing in and out.
Another paw stuck in front of me. "My name's Taylor, but I guess Johnny here already said that." She shook my paw like a Wii-mote. "What's yours?" she asked after several beats.
"Oh. Ceylan. Ceylan Rhodes. And you're Johnny?" I repeated as if she hadn't said his name several times.
Another meaningful look between the two. The bus stopped and I was being dragged past the formidable badger and down the metal steps to a surprisingly damp street. Wasn't the sun holding me against the wind just before? Wasn't it an easy, warm few minutes after the final bell rang? Now it was still warm but the sky had turned pinkish in all the spots where it wasn't grey and the air was thicker. It was drizzling enough so my fur began to tangle by the time we reached the top of the winding driveway. Johnny and Taylor were chatting about something but every attempt they made to draw me into the conversation failed. I just couldn't form words.
We stepped through the door and up some stairs to get to the main level. Her father raised an eyebrow at me. "So daddy this is Ceylan and we're gonna bring him back to town with us, ok? He got on the wrong bus."
The older hare chuckled. "Oh really, did he now? Are you new to Desmond high school, dear boy? I should hope so! Forgive me but that's rather funny-never heard of a student waiting till the third round of buses to get on the wrong one!" Taylor and Johnny joined him in another round of laughter, but the kind old hare wasted no time in grabbing his keys and didn't ask anything more of me.
I managed to feel in the dark after a while, to move around in search of the Me I'd stepped away from. If He was his own I imagined He was scared as I was, alone so suddenly as if I fell a hundred feet to that bus seat. It was so hard to keep my body and mind responsive to the three people in my company. Inside I felt as though I were moving a marionette with my front paws while searching for Him with my foot paws. Conversation wasn't happening any more than a few words, despite Taylor's many attempts over the long car ride. How could I tell a perfect stranger to shut up for a minute? Johnny seemed to get the hint from the time we stepped off the bus. He kept his face cheery for when our eyes met but he was careful to let Taylor do all the talking-or maybe she wouldn't let him get a word in edgewise. Either way I was grateful for him and for Mr. Hinkle, as he was introduced.
It wasn't until we passed the first gas station that I found Him and wrapped him close again. He pressed against my back and I knew I was standing on real ground again. I could feel my foot paws against the floor mat; the bumps of the road and the churning of the engine. I pulled down my persona completely and emerged as a well-adjusted and grateful fox. More importantly, a normal fox. There was even an opportunity to play off of one of Mr. Hinkle's one-liners, which I took with exact timing. But inside I could only breathe a sigh of relief. Finally, a half-hour later I had my bearings.
I decided to pull out my cell and let Launa know I was alright. More pressingly, I hoped we would get to the apartment before my sister got home at five. But I was lucky and we entered the city right near my exit so Mr. Hinkle said he would be able to take me straight home, adding, "If this bucket of junk doesn't stall on me, that is!"
But as we finished a game of What Friends Do We Have in Common, I caught sight of my sister's car parked in its usual spot. "Awwh, crap." Not lucky.
"What?" Taylor chided, "Your sis isn't cool with random afterschool adventures?"
"Not exactly." If only my sister knew where else I'd been going, 'not cool' wouldn't even begin to cover it. "She likes to worry about me, but I don't really do much to see that side of her personality." I felt my phone buzz right when we pulled in and it stopped after three rounds. The front door burst open and there she was, frowning very convincingly.
Mr. Hinkle got out of the car with us and stepped ahead of me. "Hi there. My name's Teribauld Hinkle and this is my daughter, Taylor and her friend, Johnny. Err, most people call me Terry, I s'pose. Looks like your boy took the wrong bus, eh? These ones were kind enough to enlist me in an impromptu carpool!" He smiled broadly.
"Oh, well. I'm Amelia Rhodes." She came off as awkward but I knew she had already sensed what might have happened. "But most people call me Emmy," she added. "Thank you so much for bringing my little brat all the way back here, it really wasn't necessary. I'm sure he could have walked home from wherever that bus took him."
"No ma'am," Terry rejoined, "I don't suspect it would be a punishment befitting of the crime if you had him walk all the way from Redbud county. I was happy to do it."
"Redbud county?! Geez, Cey, were you high or something?"
"Yeah, Emmy, totally blitzed." I gave her the old wrinkled nose.
"But really," Taylor appended, "we were already coming into town today, weren't we, dad? And he seemed a little pathetic back there on the bus and all; I just couldn't leave him with our crazy badger-driver, Marma. He'd have died a horrible death."
Emmy guffawed. "Now pathetic I'll believe! That was very nice of you, Taylor. You should make more friends like this one, Cey." She looked me. "But what about your other friend, Launa? Weren't you going to be at her house this evening?"
"And what about you, sis?" I parroted. "Weren't you going to be at work this evening?"
She flushed and then smiled honey-sweet. "Awwh, isn't he just the sweetest little thing?" She turned to Mr. Hinkle and shook his paw. "Thanks again for doing this. He really doesn't deserve it."
"My pleasure, miss! This young hare of mine was right, though, we were coming into town for our own selfish reasons. Can't come off like too much of a good Samaritan, now can I?" He scratched a brown floppy ear and then waved on Johnny and Taylor.
"Later, Ceylan," Johnny said. "And don't worry, we won't tell anyone about your genius." He winked.
"Yeah, see you at school!" called taylor as she retreated to the car. Mr. Hinkle joined them after sending me a good-natured wink of his own. Seeing them at school was probably not going to top my list of must-dos. I was embarrassed to even know them at this point.
"So what the hell?" I heard right as they drove off. "And please don't throw me a line of bullshit 'cause I know you're normally not dumb enough to catch the wrong bus. Is this...?"
She wanted me to connect it up with what happened last week. But I wouldn't. How could I give her one more thing to have to fix? There would be no privacy, no time to try and figure it out on my own. So I lied. "Look, 'Emm, I'm just really, really tired. I was texting Launa like crazy because something bad happened to her today and I lost track of time. I mean it's not that big of a deal. My bus is number 95 and I grabbed the 93. It's not that far of a stretch, ok?"
She didn't seem convinced. "Yeah, but a third-string bus? You know, I went to the same school as you. I know exactly which buses go out to Redbud-fucking-county. Were you really being that ignorant? I've never known you to be less than knife-sharp."
"Well, what else do you want me to say?"
"I want you to... I don't know, Cey. I just really want to know if this has anything to do with what happened last week. Should I be worried about you?"
I growled low. "No, god. Really? I knew what you were thinking when I got here and it has absolutely nothing to do with that." Seeing the flip-point, I changed the subject expertly. "And should I be worried about you? You never get home this early!"
"I..." She looked down and to the side. "I got fired today."
"Gee, sis, again? Only like the third temp job this month. Didn't the agency tell you that you couldn't drop any more than three or something like that? Is that even possible in one month?"
Amelia's lip quivered a bit, but she bit it down. "I know, Cey, I know. I'm a big fat fucking failure. I filed another account in the wrong place and they spent two hours looking for it before they tracked the mess-up to my supervisor's desk. I just. Suck." She half-smiled. "But it'll be ok, Ceylan, don't give it any thought. I'll be on the phone all goddamn week but I'll find something else to do. I always do, right?"
"Yeah." I sighed and walked past her through the open doorway. I couldn't finish the conversation. I needed to sleep. No food, no homework. My body wanted rest. I flopped on my bed, hugged myself to my pillow and let go. Amelia didn't bother me again, to my relief, but I had to be less than kind to get that desired result.
Before I hit darkness, a thought chilled my bones. The same thought as before. Where did I go for those five minutes?