TotK - Letters to the Editor
#69 of Tails of the Khajiit
Letters to the Editor - from Tails of the Khajiit - Udaran Special Edition
Letters to Tails of the Khajiit
From FurFriendly in Solitude
"I'm writing to you to express my appreciation for your article on the Ta'agra language. While we converse in the common tongue of Cyrodiilic just fine, I do like to try my best to speak my lovers' native language. However, it seems like most of the books on the subject omit any 'sexy' words. Imagine her surprise when I told her how much I was looking forward to reli jer zaj . To put it mildly, it got her hot very quickly! One thing I must point out though, your pronunciation guide for the word zashka'a is incorrect. Things were getting very intimate when apparently I told her how much I loved the way she licked my clouds. Once we figured out what I'd gotten wrong we had a good laugh and she proceeded to lick my clouds again. We now have a new euphemism!"
Dear FurFriendly,
We regret the mistake in our pronunciation guide. While we have experts on the Ta'agra language here, apparently our proofreaders weren't so accurate. It was a typo that slipped through. The proper pronunciation is, as you might expect, ZASHkah-ah, not ZASHkuh-ah. Thank you for the correction and your kind words. And we sincerely wish you many more years of having your clouds licked!
From Dongs of the North in Markarth
"Do the Nords pack the biggest punch? They're certainly 'Shouting' about it enough!"
Dear Dongs of the North,
For the answer to this, we asked our models for a consensus. The answer was a bit surprising. Of course, Nords are often quite bigoted against the Tailed races. To their credit, they're pretty much bigoted against ALL races though so at least they're consistent. However, it seems that behind closed doors the Nords are as amorous as any other race towards a finely curved female form when no eyes are watching. So in fact our models do have some words to say on the matter of which race packs the biggest 'punch' - if by 'punch' you mean sex organs.
In fact, the Nords do win this contest. But only if you exclude all male nords! The FEMALES do appear to have the largest sex organs in fact, especially if mammaries are included. However, we suspect the question was concerning male package. While our models probably don't represent a good statistical sampling, their answers confirmed what we suspected all along. The Orsimer have that privilege in the Penile department, followed by the Argonians. But we didn't stop there! Let's talk testicles. In that department, the winners are the Bosmer in a landslide. The nearest were the Bretons, but by a wide margin. That being said, the Nord men did have one aspect that put them far in front of all the other races. The Nord men have by far the largest sphincters. So yes, the Nords win the Biggest Assholes award!
From SleepingWithTheFishes in Falkreath
"I am a Breton and happily married to a lovely Nord woman. However, my eyes have always strayed to the catfolk. I will never break my vow, but I am curious nonetheless. Do Khajiit women 'feel' different when having sex and if so, how?"
Dear SleepingWithTheFishes,
Sorry SWTF, but we love our readers and would never want to cause pain to any of them so we can't answer your question as we feel doing so might cause you anxiety and misery, or even a divorce! Instead, just enjoy what you can from our magazine. For you, that must be sufficient. We respect your curiosity, but if you are to remain faithful, you should ask no such questions again.
From WarmSands in Falkreath
"I'm curious why so many Khajiits come to Skyrim. Isn't it far too cold for them? Not that I MIND, you understand. But as I understand it their home province of Elseweyr is quite warm. How do they stand it here?"
Dear WarmSands,
While Elseweyr is indeed much warmer than Skyrim, the fur of the Khajiit actually lends itself to the toleration of extremes of both hot and cold - much like an insulated cup will keep a beverage cold or hot. In fact, Khajiits can tolerate the extremes of Skyrim beyond what the most hearty man or mer could! Many also are misled by the common greeting of "warm sands" by Khajiits that their ancestral home is a desert. Nothing could be further from the truth! It is a lush and semi-tropical land full of vegetation and life of all kinds. Just consider that a Nord from the coldest reaches of Skyrim would never say "may your feet walk in deep snowdrifts". The "warm sands" greeting simply enforces the love that many Khajiit feel for their homeland, especially when in colder climes. But it does not signify in any way that they dislike the cold particularly. Our own models certainly have proven their ability to tolerate cool temperatures in the skimpy outfits we adorn them with!
As one model puts it, "I would be just fine naked in anything short of a blizzard honestly. We just wear clothes for the adornment, not for any need of heat."
From MeadDrinker
"I notice you promote Dragon's Breath mead often. Why is that? Do they give you money for doing that? And is it true what they say? Does it really have Khajiit pee in it?"
Dear MeadDrinker,
You are very perceptive. Indeed, the fine folks at Dragon's Breath do give us money for promoting their products. While subscriptions keep us afloat and allow us to pay our bills, the arrangement we have with Dragon's Breath allows the purchase of our guard and mercenary staff. In return we do mention their mead often, though only where it serves a useful purpose. We have coined a term for this interrelation between our companies we call "advertisement". We think it has a strong future.
Also, their tagline ('smells better than stale cat piss, and tastes somewhat better too') along with their association with us apparently has started that rumor. While we do find their tagline humorous, it is unfortunate that this association has been made. In point of fact, a certain amount of Khajiit urine IS present in Dragon's Breath mead (less than 5% by volume), but it is there specifically for fermentation purposes and does not contribute in any way to the flavor or aroma of that fine beverage.
While on this subject, it's probably best to go ahead and mention that we are in discussions with Dragon's Breath to market specialty brews that contain the urine of specific Tails models. The Udaran Special will be out next month to test-market this product. If successful, we intend to expand these specialty brews with our other Khajiit models. Unfortunately, Argonian urine doesn't contain the same properties to aid fermentation so our plans to market Argonian based brews will likely be discontinued, unless demand for Muz-Ra Pale Ale is successful.
From DesperateInMorthal in Morthal
"How would you recommend meeting a Khajiit woman? I am DEFINITELY attracted to them, but it seems none live around here."
Dear Desperate,
We feel your pain Desperate. Most Khajiit like to live in company with other Khajiits though, which is really pretty normal for all races. Your best bet would be in one of the larger towns, especially those that are visited routinely by the Khajiit caravans. However, in your name also lies one of your biggest problems. Khajiit are no different than other races in that they are turned off by desperation. You won't get someone to marry you by trotting at their heels and licking their feet all the time! They first look for confidence, ability, humor and charisma just like most females of any race. You also have the disadvantage of NOT being a Khajiit. It's a simple fact that most Khajiits fall in love with other Khajiits, so honestly you would need to be an exceptional man.
So work on that - work on being exceptional. Regardless of your destined soul mate's race, that will be more important than anything else. While we, of course, love our Khajiit models and celebrate their sexy look, there's so much more to finding the right person to mate for life than that. Work on yourself. Become not-desperate. When you become a person everyone looks up to, the Khajiits will look up to you as well.
From Fleabitten in Rorikstead
"I have begun dating a Khajiit woman who comes by every few weeks in a Caravan. We have an awesome time and I may ask her to marry me soon. It's not even the sex, though that is great. She's just great fun to be around and we laugh together so easily. There's just one problem... My house has fleas now! It never did before. I like her so much, but the fleas get even worse when she's gone! Do you have any recommendations?"
Dear Fleabitten,
First, I do not blame you for not knowing this (though it's been said before within these pages in past issues), but Khajiits simply Do Not Have Fleas. Or lice. Or any of a host of vermin that are commonly associated with the common dog or housecat. The mistake you make is a common one, but - though we say it repeatedly and often - Khajiits ARE NOT CATS.
Obviously there is some relationship, but they simply are not. One of the most striking differences is that Khajiits have a natural scent that is abhorrent to fleas as well as most all other parasites that normally live in fur. Fortunately most people LOVE that natural Khajiit scent. Some even suggest it is an aphrodisiac. Having a Khajiit in your house is honestly one of the best known ways to RID it of fleas! Her scent won't kill them, but they don't like it and they will (pardon the pun) flee the area if given the chance. And all that ignores the simple fact that Khajiits LOVE to bathe. They may be the cleanest race in Tamriel. (Admittedly this must exclude Argonians, who practically live for water!) Even your own letter indicates that they get worse when she's not around.
No, your flea problem has come from somewhere else. Do you have any animals in the house? The normal approach to remove these pests is still the best. Discard all bed clothing. Sweep the floors out completely and often. Scrub them as well. Flea eggs can survive for long periods so this maintenance must be kept up for at least 3 months. And, it should not need to be said, wash your clothing as well! Doing this will have a twofold effect, both beneficial... your house will be rid of fleas AND your Khajiit friend will appreciate your clean house and will have no fear of becoming your housemaid instead of your lover!
That's it for this month's Letters to the Editor! -H
If you have a question for us or our models, please write to us at Tails of the Khajiit in Whiterun. All letters will remain anonymous and are destroyed routinely after each issue is published. No record of your communication beyond what is published in the Tails is kept.