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Destiny is said to be inescapable.

I did not have a particularly happy childhood. There was nothing really wrong with it, it just wasn't very happy. Very sheltered, very controlled, very boring. My family is traditional in values, and just a bit crazy in practice. My parents insisted that I be homeschooled; no child of theirs was going to be put through the liberal brainwashing of a public education. That was, until my grandma got sick and my mom couldn't teach me, teach my sister, and take care of her mother in rapidly failing health. So, when the school year started, I got dumped into the wild, frightening ocean of ninth grade, totally unprepared and defenseless.

My dad had dropped me off, since the bus was late (to his standards, anyway), and the second that I placed my hoof on that schoolyard, I knew my life was going to change. What I didn't know was if it was going to change for the good or bad.

I walked through the sea of cheerful, laughing furs in vibrant, fresh first day of school clothing. They all clearly already knew each other as they hugged and caught up. I felt awkward and out of place, like some freak who landed on the wrong planet. People were staring at me. I didn't see any other deer around. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to make friends.

I darted up the steps, though the large doors, and quickly walked through the maze of hallways until I found my first class. I sat down at an empty desk in the front and tried to avoid the feeling of people gawking at me as the room filled in more. The bell rang, the door closed, and I was set firmly in this new, strange trap. It was so loud.

"Here is the seating chart." A rather apathetic looking ferret in a button down shirt a size too large said as he placed the chart on the overhead. "I know you want to sit with your friends, but this will help me learn your names for the first few weeks at least, and then you can sit where you'd like."

I found my name, 'Darrick Helm'; back row, one seat from the right. I picked up my things and quietly avoided eye contact as I took my seat. The seats around me filled up quickly with the new order, and the room settled down again.

"Now that we have that, welcome to Milton High School" the ferret said. "My name is Mr. Duffek, and this is World History. I'm passing around a syllabus that will go over the semester's projects and test dates. Fifty percent of your grade will be..."

My eyes poured over the page. What the heck was a syllabus? This was so much different than home schooling. I was used to working out of work books. What was a midterm? I was getting so nervous that I didn't even realize that I had started clicking my pen quickly. I could feel the person next to me glaring.

I looked over. It was a fox. "Oh, sorry. Just kinda nervous." I put the pen down to remove the temptation, but it was quickly replaced with my thumb folding the edge of the paper. The fox smiled.

I smiled back.

It was the first time in a long time that I had smiled. With a sick grandma, and my parents overstressed, I had been living in a house held delicately together with nothing but tension and silence.

When class was over, and I had accidentally shredded the corner of the syllabus, I quickly packed up my things, picked up my backpack and started to head out, but not before giving a quick nod to the fox who had been the only person to smile at me in the new school. I shifted my backpack over my shoulder and hurried off. Maybe I had just made a new friend.

The rest of my classes were just as confusing and uncomfortable. I had already learned most of the things in the required math class, so at least that would be easy. Lunch was rough, because I didn't have a lunch account set up set with the school (probably info from a letter that was lost in the forest of papers in my dad's office), but one of the lunch ladies took pity on me and snuck me a slice of lukewarm pizza that I'm fairly certain was made on a stale tortilla. But it kept me from going hungry for the rest of the day.

World history soon became my favorite class. Not for the subject, but because of Jude, the fox who smiled at me. It was an odd friendship, at first, but the only one I had, so I gave it my all. Jude and I were always partners in the class. He wasn't the brightest, but he tried, and we got along, so I enjoyed when we got to work together.

About a month in, we got assigned a big project about Roman emperors, and we had to put together a large display outside of class.

"My place or yours?" The fox asked as he flipped the page of the assignment description.

"Ummm... can we do it at yours? My place is kind of.... not the best for company." My grandmother was bedridden at that point, and my mom was crying a lot.

"Yeah! No problem. I've got a big living room we can spread out in. Just come home on the bus with me after school."

"I'll text my parents."

Little did I know at the time, but that was the start of me visiting Jude's house a lot. At a certain point, it felt like I spent more time over at his place than my own. Which, I didn't mind because my house just became more dismal and depressing each day. Jude's family treated me as their own. It was such a stark contrast when I'd go from the loud loving house to one of darkness and silence. My dad had become very distant. I suppose because my mom had to spend most of her time between my sister and her mom, leaving him alone in his office with no reason to ever come out. With me out of the house most evenings, the family dynamic sort of collapsed and even our regimented dinners became more of a microwave-it-when-you're-hungry sort of deal. Any excuse I could get, I would go to Jude's. I liked being in his life and with him. He was such a good friend. He was like a warm fire in a cold night. I never wanted to be away from him.

That winter was particularly rough. My grandmother died in her sleep two days before Christmas. Everything at home fell apart. My mom was inconsolable. She stopped eating. She stopped teaching my sister, who had to start going to public school as well and faired about as well as I would have without Jude. The house became a mess without my mom to help clean up. And my dad's ambient distance developed into frequent bursts of anger. Every little thing set him off. It was like walking on egg shells each time I walked in the door. I'd pray that I could make it to my room and avoid him seeing me, just in case something went wrong.

My room was my paper-thin sanctuary in the hell of my house. It was someplace I could sit in silence and pretend that this was not my reality; pretend that I was with Jude.

I never did tell Jude about my family. He never knew my grandma died or that my mom was wasting away in a deep depression. I wanted to tell him, but I couldn't bear to say something that might take that smile from his face. I never wanted to see that face unhappy. So I kept it secret. All of it. And I just enjoyed my time with him before taking the walk back to my lifeless home.

When I turned 16, my dad bought me a car. It was the only day he had shown any kind of affection towards me since the death. He said it was because I kept up good grades, but I think it was more because he needed someone to replace my mother with errands that involved driving. I was pretty much handed a grocery list along with the keys.

My mom's sister had moved into the spare room to take care of her. She had started eating again, but she was really a shell of the woman she once was. She hadn't even noticed when I shed an antler until I mentioned it.

With winter came a new semester of school. I no longer had Jude in my class, but I needed him more than ever. With the car, it was easier to find reasons to hang out with him. Eventually, it became habit to just go to his house every day, and I'd spend the night every Friday. He was the only thing keeping me anchored in this world. Him and that smile.

On particularly bad weeks, my mind had a harder time forgetting my reality, even when I was emerged in the warmth of Jude.

"Do you ever wonder what would happen to us if we weren't friends?" I asked, laying down on his bed on a Friday afternoon. I was tossing a stress ball in the air and catching it before it would hit my face. Something about it flying away and coming back to me was calming. I came across pills in my mom's room that didn't have her name on the bottle earlier that week.

"No... I guess not. Why?" Jude asked, sitting at his computer working on a project for a class.

"I dunno. Just, I never really had a friend like you before. You know, someone I hang out with so much. You know?" I wanted to say so much more, but I didn't know how to say it. I tiled my head up and looked at the fox.

"Yeah. I mean, I guess." I could tell he was a little thrown off by the conversation. "You're kinda the only person I do that with too. Beats sitting alone in my room jerking off."

I started laughing "Yeah, except that one night when-"

"Shut up!" He yelled, chucking a stuffed animal from the desk at my face. "I thought you were asleep!"

"Yeah, and you didn't even bother to check to hard, did you," I said throwing the stuffed animal back at him.

After a few times of sleeping over, we both agreed that it was dumb that I was sleeping on the floor when his bed was big enough for two. We figured that keeping a sheet between us kept it from being too scandalous. But that didn't stop Jude from trying to jerk off one night while he thought I was asleep next to him. He thinks that I woke up in the middle of it, but, really, I was awake the entire time. I waited a good five minutes of the heavy breathing and the bed gently rocking before I turned my head to face him. He jumped and crumpled up the sheets around his crotch. We had a good laugh about it, which I was glad was distracting enough that he didn't notice how hard I was under my sheet. That was a few weeks ago. I hadn't mentioned it again until now.

I started mimicking the motions of him pawing off as I lay out on the bed. It was a good distraction from the butterflies forming in my stomach.

"Nah, bro, I'm bigger than that," he laughed.

I widened my pretend grip, stretching my arms out as far as they could go, shaking so hard the bed was creaking. "How's that?"

"Closer." He jumped up from the computer and hopped up on the bed. "But you'd need a third hand." He joined in in my ridiculous movement.

"Yeah right," I scoffed, grabbing his arms and pulling him down onto the bed next to me. "I know you've got a baby carrot down there. You'd be lucky to use a second finger on a good day."

"Fits in your moms hand just fine!"

And I snapped back into my reality. I could see the fox smiling out of the corner of my eye, so I gave my best fake laugh as I tried to not start crying. He started laughing to. Eventually, our sides hurt enough that the chuckles subsided into labored breath. As I laid there, listening to his heavy breathing, I wanted to tell him everything. About my mom. About me. About how I felt for him.

"Jude?" I asked, looking at his face,

"Yeah?" He asked back. His smile turned to a look of concern, so I turned back.

"Nothing. Never mind."

It was quiet. Quiet like my house. I could feel the warmth fading.

"Hey," he finally said. "Why don't we ever hang out at your place?"

Fuck. I couldn't tell him. I wouldn't tell him. Excuses started pouring into my head and out of my mouth. "Well, you know, my parents don't really like company, and it's a small house, and with my aunt in town for the month, and my sister-"

"Ok," he said, chuckling. "Didn't mean to grill you, I was just asking. Want to spend the night?" He smiled again. I felt warm.

"I wasn't before? It's Friday." It felt good to know he wanted me there.

"Oh yeah. I don't know why I even bothered to ask. You practically live here anyway."

"Jude?"

"Yeah?"

"Nothing."

"Ok. Pizza?"

"Yeah."

My head was spinning in eight different directions. The rest of the night was sort of a blur. I'd catch myself in the middle in regular situations, like midway through a bit of pizza, or digging through a box of VHS tapes, but it was just my body going on auto pilot. For the first time, I wanted to leave Jude's house. I just wanted some air to help cool down my mind. Everything just seemed to rough and awful. I felt like I was going to boil over at any minute if I didn't say something. But I couldn't say what I was thinking. Not to Jude. Not to the only person who keeps me away from all of it. I just wanted to leave.

"I'm going to go take a quick piss," I said, halfway though some low budget action movie we had started.

"Go right ahead, I ain't stopping you!" he chuckled before returning his focus back to the movie.

I stumbled down the dark hall as my eyes adjusted from the bright screen. I closed the door behind me and flipped on the light. My reflection looked tired and stressed. I was glad the dim TV room hid it. I put the toilet seat down and rested my face in my hands. The thoughts were just louder in the small room.

I looked over at the window. I felt my body move towards it, and I unlatched the lock. The cold winter air stung my face as I stuck my head out. I could make the jump easily. I could just leave. Be gone. Unburden Jude with my existence. I knew the high school well enough by now to avoid him on his way to classes.

I don't know how long my head was out the window, but I couldn't feel the end of my nose when I snapped back. I closed the window.

My hands were shaking as a clicked the lock back.

I flushed, just in case someone was listening and carefully walked back to the glowing TV. I could see Jude from the hallway. He had his eyes closed, and his head propped up with a fist. The peaceful look on his face was in sharp contrast to the violent explosions happening on the screen.

I carefully tiptoed back to the couch and sat down.

His eyes fluttered opened and he gave a great big yawn that ended in him shaking his head.

"Must have fallen asleep, sorry," he said, rubbing his eyes.

"It's ok. You didn't miss much."

"I think I'm going to bed." He threw off the blankets and hopped up from the couch. "You done?"

"Yeah."

He pushed a button on the remote, and the screen went blue. His orange and white fur practically glowed in the dim light. I wondered what it would feel like to run my hand down his chest.

With another push, the room was dark. I could hear him cautiously maneuver through the room and up the stairs. I followed shortly behind.

We changed into our pajamas in front of each other with our backs turned, something I had gotten used to with my new gym class. As typical, he was in an old ratty shirt and a pair of cotton shorts, and I was in my flannel pants. I kept a couple of pairs there. It was easier than putting them in my backpack and his mom didn't seem to ever mind washing them.

"Do you think it's kinda gay that we sleep in the same bed together?" I asked as I sat down on the bed.

"Nah, we've got the sheet between us. Besides, it's not like we cuddle or anything, and it better than you sleeping on the floor."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. But, lets still not tell anyone."

"What are you so afraid of?" He laughed. "Am I not good enough to be your boyfriend?" The fox batted his eyelashes at me. "You'd be lucky to have a hot piece of ass like me. Might be better to start the rumor ourselves; get your social rank a little higher. I'm a real catch, you know!"

I looked away from him. He was hitting right at my weak spot. I wanted to leave again.

"Woah, sorry man," he said nervously. "I was just messing with you. Didn't know you were so serious about this. I can sleep on the floor."

I felt him pulling on the sheet under me.

"No." I pulled back on the sheet, looking back at the confused fox. "It's not that. It's... well. Ok, it's kinda that. It's really complex."

"Wanna talk about it?" I just wanted him to smile.

I shook my head and turned away again. My stomach was a solid ball, sinking lower and lower.

"Sooooo...." I heard him say. "Should I sleep on the floor?"

I shook my head. I wanted him to be close to me. I wanted to hear him laugh. I could feel my dark reality staining the room.

"Ok. Well, I'm going to turn off the lights then..."

The lights turned off, and I felt the fox slip under his sheet, and I curled up under mine. I was on the very edge. I still wanted to run. I still could. But I couldn't. I had nowhere to go. As painful as it was to be there, it would have been worse at home. I could feel myself start to bubble again. The pressure was so great that I couldn't help but open my mouth.

"Jude?" My mouth was so dry.

"Yeah?"

"I Love you." I could hear the words, but I didn't remember telling my mouth to say them. It was out. My secret was out. Every nanosecond felt like an hour as I waited for a reply. I felt my entire body dry up and become brittle.

"I love you too, man." My brain scrambled to decode what that meant, what had gone wrong, what I should say next.

"No." My mouth was moving without my permission again. "I mean... I'm in love with you." I felt like my heart was splitting open. How could those words spill out so easily when I couldn't even think them in my own head? I turned to Jude. He was just staring at the ceiling.

I had ruined everything. Regret flooded over me. My mind went blank. I went numb. I just sat there in the dark feeling a gripping pulse in my neck.

"Sorry." It slipped from my lips. It was the only world that came into my head. And then it pounded my head like a swarm of wasps, stinging me from the inside. How stupid could I be? How idiotic? Stupid, stupid, stupid.

And then the tears hit. My face opened up and I felt the warm streams spill over my cheeks. I turned away, trying to hide it. How pathetic I felt. I just wanted to roll into a ball and stay that way forever. I wanted to be far away from Jude. I wanted to never see him again. I couldn't bear feeling this embarrassment again.

"That's kinda gay."

The words were like a red hot knife though my chest. I felt betrayed. I wanted to run, but my legs wouldn't move. My tears streamed stronger as I tried to hide back my breathing. Why did I do this? Why didn't I run when I had the chance?

I buried my face in the pillow. I couldn't breath but I didn't care. Anything to stop the pain radiating from my body. I felt crushed and helpless laying there. 'Move' I kept telling myself. 'Just get up and go. Drive home. Disappear.'

I felt something touch my arm, and I shuttered. Was he going to hurt me? How could I be in any more pain than I was now?

"Darrick...."

His voice made my face swell more as I crammed it deeper into the pillow.

"We gotta talk about this, man."

I felt a grip on my shoulder, but I couldn't pull away.

"Just forget it," I said, trying my best to get the worlds out. I could taste the salt of my tears on my pillow.

"That's not really how this works."

"I want to die."

Jude pulled my shoulder over, pulling my face from the pillow. The air in the room was cold against my wet fur.

"Don't die," he said.

I couldn't face him yet, I tried to pull back, but I felt him shove his arm under my back and pull me into a hug. I strained my neck to get away. I could run if I could just get myself free.

"I love you too."

My ears perked up. Did I hear him right? I stopped fighting to get away. "Really?" I rubbed my wet nose and looked at the fox from the corner of my eye.

"Well" he said. "It would explain a lot." He loosened his hold on me a bit. "And like you said, I've never really had a friend like you before."

"Yeah?" My nerves were shot from the sea change of emotion.

"Yeah," he said softly.

My body melted. My throat hurt. My eyes were still wet. But having Jude wrapped around me felt wonderful. Slowly, the warmth came back.