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_ Part 9 _

(Jonas)

"Martin was the first Maleni I really got to know back at high school."

"Maleni?" Alen mumbled past the finger in his mouth, slipping it out to swipe up more residue from his glass. "Really?"

"You sound surprised?"

"I remember you telling me how Maleni and Visoka stuck to different circles is all."

"In school, maybe. Way back when I was there at least." The squeaking of seat fabric cut the air as I shifted forward. "Didn't mean we kept ourselves to ourselves all the time. Me and Martin for example, we took classes together. We spoke. Had our own closer groups of friends, sure, but we were pretty friendly for the first few years of high school."

Alen slumped back, taking a less enthusiastic lap at his fingertip. "And after that?"

Maybe bringing this up wasn't the best idea. Too late to go back. "Final year started."

He shook his head, huffing with what sounded like annoyance. "You're confusing me."

"Final year came after those first few years..." I stopped myself from snapping back at him, asking how I'd possibly caused confusion. "Final year wasn't so great for me. In fact, it was kinda terrible for the most part."

"Oh." That helped to take his edge off. "How so?"

A scratch of my ear, a stroke of my muzzle and a rub of my neck. Back to the past I took myself. "All those years of looking out for my brothers kinda went and caught up with me, I guess." Man, I could've used Franko coming over here with another drink. "I caught some pretty bad abuse."

Alen rocked back in his seat, brow furrowing. "You?"

"Yeah... I learned it's not all about size that year. Words can be a bitch, too."

"And combining them's an even bigger bitch," he shot back. I carried on regardless.

"Back then, when I was... fifteen or so, I hadn't got fully into wrestling. I wasn't competing like at finishing school and university--"

"What's that gotta do with anything?"

Elbows rattling back down to table, I placed a hand around my fist. "If you let me finish, I'll get to that."

"Sorry." His shoulders sank as he gazed down at his own table. "Go on."

"Well I've always said about how I was bigger in school, and not just in terms of height. Back then, though, I was definitely carrying more... y'know." I gave my stomach a pat. "More this than muscle. Made an easy target for anyone wanting to take a shot at me."

Alen's head stayed low. "They made fun of your weight?"

"Yeah. My size in general, really. They'd call me names. Tell me I was too big and fat for the classroom. That I'd break everything." I huffed out a laugh, putting on a smile through the warming of my cheeks. "Real childish. Stupid stuff."

"And this guy was in on it?"

"Martin?" He nodded, as did I in return. "In a sense."

"Doesn't sound like much of a friend in that case... Why exactly did you want to meet up with him again?"

"Like I said, at that point, we weren't really close 'friends'. Plus all the bad stuff started on the back of me sticking up for Toni, once he began high school."

"Jonas," Alen groaned, rubbing his eyes. "Sorry, but I don't understand what you're saying."

"Toni used to get bullied a lot."

"I know that. I spoke to him about_that_... back in Padinica." He flopped back further into his seat, finding something else to focus on away from our booth.

This wasn't going well. At all. All the thinking, all the worrying about making this and everything else right had my head pounding and my tongue twisted. Gods, I was turning into Alen...

I was losing him, though. Badly. There he sat, staring into space, going back into that damned shell of his right in front of me. Not on my watch. Fuck that.

"One of Martin's better friends was a guy called Danilo." I leaned forward with such force that my arms slammed down to the table. It certainly got Alen's attention again. "Another otter, like him, but Visoka."

"Toni mentioned him, too."

"Did he mention what a nasty piece of work he was?" He gave me the tiniest nod. "Only way I can explain them getting on so well is species bias... but, whatever the case, they did." I settled back, gathering my thoughts to try and keep things easy to follow. "They were on the swim team at school. Toni, too. At least for a little bit. Different year groups, but they trained in the same sessions. Anyway, for some reason, Danilo had it out for Toni right from the start. Picked on him before, during _and_after training." I smiled, head cocked. "Did Toni tell you about all that, too?"

"Yeah. He did."

"Damn, you guys really _did_have a long chat together." That got a snort from Alen, helping to spur me on. "When I found out about it... What can I say, I did what any older brother would; I tried to put a stop to it. Mostly it worked, but Danilo, he wasn't having any of that. Not that I was gonna back down. Not from a little prick like that."

"Most everyone's 'little' to you." Another snort, then a laugh. He started me grinning, in spite of what I had to say next.

"Even after I warned him off, next training session, I caught the guy trying to steal Toni's kit bag on their way out of the locker room... Ended up getting into a scrap with him over it." Alen wasn't laughing any more. "Won't go into the details about it, but I got the bag back, and I figured at the time that'd be the end of it... I mean, it was for Toni at least 'cos after that, Danilo and his shitty friends decided they'd turn their attention to me instead."

"That doesn't make sense. If you won the fight..."

"Sure it does. They saw that one on one was a problem, so why not make it two, three, five or more on one. At least that's how I see it." My tail flitted and flailed. It was like I'd gone all the way back to physics class first thing Monday morning. "That's when his group, Visoka and_Maleni, figured that if they weren't gonna get back at me physically, they'd start up their shittalking and namecalling. Making fun of my weight... Not gonna lie, some of the things they said and did upset me a whole lot. And of course, kids being kids, as soon as they saw that, they didn't let up in a hurry. They kept on going and going, making fun, pulling pranks. One time, they loosened the legs on my chair before I got to class. Of course, it collapsed in the loudest, most violent way you can imagine in front of _everyone. And of course, everyone pissed themselves laughing over it."

It's only then that I took a look down at Alen. I found him staring straight at my hands, to which I did the same. Somewhere along the way I'd picked up one of the paper towels Franko had brought us, turning most of it into dark red confetti covering my side of the table. "It sounds stupid, but when you're a kid, that sorta thing can hurt you way more than anything else."

"Did noone else stick up for you?" Alen scooted forward in his seat, resting folded arms. "Other friends?"

"A couple tried, but they gave up once they saw how many others they were going up against. Not that I blame 'em. Not really."

"What about Denis?"

"He was in the last year of finishing school by that point... not that he was much help outside of that." I tore another big chunk from the mangled napkin. "Too busy with his own stuff. Helping Dad on the dock most evenings, and out on the boat on weekends. No time for the rest of us. Standard Denis."

"Guess being an only child can have its upsides," Alen replied, cutting short a chuckle before dropping his gaze down into his lap.

"Reckon it damn well does." I swept up the mess I'd created, hiding it under the last corner I'd left untorn. "I put up with their crap for weeks after that. Every single day. Friends couldn't help. Family, neither. Teachers didn't really give a damn... No wonder I wound up snapping."

It was impossible to miss Alen's reaction to that. His folding ears, the squirming in his seat and curling tail: they announced his question to me loud and clear.

"It all came to a head one lunch break. I'd put up with a whole morning of crap from Danilo and his crew. Even now I can remember it was way worse than usual. Fuckin' relentless. We were outside... and I just swung for him. Punched the guy square in the muzzle. Dropped him in front of just about everyone."

"What happened?"

I scoffed. "Not a whole lot. Not then, anyhow."

Back came his confusion. "How do you mean?"

"He picked himself up, dusted himself off and slinked away. Figured that might be that. But Danilo, persistent as he was, couldn't leave it there. Couldn't just... not be a dick." Where the hell was Franko at? Forget the cocktail, I'd have killed to get something stronger down myself. "After school that day, he and a few guys decided they wanted payback. I usually took one of the quiet stairwells out to the rear exit after class. That's where they jumped me."

"...And then?"

"Another fight," I said, stopping short of adding 'obviously'. "Him and a couple other guys while their cheering squad watched on... Martin included."

"The more you talk about this guy, the more I don't like him. You know that, right?"

"Martin or Danilo?"

"Both."

Digging up all these memories again made it tough to argue. One of those memories did help me to at least twitch with a smile. "Even with two guys helping him, I got my share of things. Fucking Danilo... Picked him up and threw him down so hard that he squeaked. Didn't get up again for a _long_time." Seeing Alen's blank stare forced me to correct myself. As did what I had to finally reveal. "His friends kept on going, though. Kept on punching, kept on scratching and biting. It was a fuckin' free for all... and that's when it happened. That's when one of the Maleni ended up getting hurt."

Alen glared up at me. He looked to be wrestling with what to ask, what to say. Gods, _I_was struggling, too. I hadn't spoken so openly about this since... ever. Hacking out a cough helped to clear my dry throat. Gave me the chance to continue.

"They got too close... or we did, I don't honestly know. One of them wound up getting caught by a stray paw. Mine."

Alen's muzzle twisted. He turned away. "Not sure I want to know what happened next."

"No, no, nothing like that." I wanted to reach out and hold him. Figured it best I didn't. "It was a blur... but I remember a punch to the side, then my throat. That was it. I saw red. I charged forward to grab the guy... and that's when the scream stopped everything dead." A deep breath and a tug of my collar didn't do much to ease the tension. "I must've ended up kicking one of the Maleni crowding around. Broke his arm pretty bad by all accounts. There and then, the fight was done... Suddenly everyone's rushing to help the guy. Shouting at me. No surprise when I caught pretty much all the flak for it afterwards." I threw up my hands, pleading. "It really was a complete accident--"

"You broke his arm..."

"Yeah, but you have to believe--"

"I never knew... I didn't know about that."

"Wait, what?" The booth could've tipped right through the wall with how hard I hit the back cushion. "Didn't Toni tell you? I thought that was what this was all about?"

"He didn't... To be honest, he wasn't all that clear about it. Beat around the bush a whole lot, but he mentioned how you picked on some of your Maleni classmates. Abused them--"

"I didn't abuse--! Toni said that to you?"

"No," he squeaked, shrinking down. "Not outright anyway."

"Damnit, Toni knows damn well I never did anything like that. At least I thought..." The idea that Alen believed I could've done something like that knocked me off balance. Like I was back at school, getting my muzzle bloodied at the bottom of that stairwell all over again. "I warned them off of Toni, just like I did Danilo. I reacted to _their_name calling... but gods above us, I never touched them. Not until that stupid damn fight."

"Toni said--"

"I reacted badly, I admit," I blurted, refusing to stop my roll. Everything on my chest had to be out in the open. "I _never_hurt that guy on purpose, though. No. Way."

The chatter continued all around us, uncaring of the awkward silence in our booth. I did my best not to let it get to me. After all, Alen would always be a thinker; in good times and bad. How calm and quiet he appeared on the outside would never reveal the thinking he'd no doubt be torturing himself with. Best I could do was prepare for whatever question or statement he had to toss out next.

"You got suspended after that, right?" The tugging at his shirt, the rubbing of his neck and muzzle; he looked almost guilty at asking that. "Toni mentioned that you got suspended when I spoke to him."

"Yeah... Got kicked out of school for a couple of weeks once the school had done all their investigating. Asked all their questions. Had to study at home with textbooks and the like. Ma and Dad weren't best pleased about it, I can tell you."

"But Toni didn't know the reason why?"

"Yeah." The nod I gave was more of a throw of my head forward. "He did. They all did." The misinformation wasn't Alen's fault. I couldn't blame him for this. "I thought when you told me you'd talked to him that night in bed, you meant... that."

He stayed quiet, rolling his hands over one another. At least he'd managed to look back up at me.

"If only he'd kept his muzzle shut. Said nothing to you at all." I sank down, sighing. "Suppose it's good that we're getting this all out in the open. Explaining things a little more. No more secrets. No misunderstandings."

"Guess so... yeah."

"But yes, I got suspended for what happened. I mean, when a Maleni gets hurt by a Visoka, and the word 'fight' is involved... Suddenly no one wants to know the facts behind it. Didn't matter how much I insisted it was an accident, or how sorry I was about it, I was gonna end up in a world of trouble right from the start. Nothing I could've possibly said would've helped me. I still remember getting called to the principal's office, having a couple of my teachers there, too. The questions they asked, the way they spoke... even how they looked at me. It was like I'd grabbed the guy up, took his arm and... yeah. It's like the school wanted to make an example of me or something. They damn sure did."

Reliving those days at school brought all the pain back with it. All the hate for myself. The tears were starting, but damned if I was gonna let them out. This wasn't my time for sympathy. This was the time to get Alen back close to me. To introduce him to the real me, warts and all.

"In a weird way... it kinda ended all the trouble. Stopped all the things I was having done to me. I still looked out for Toni if someone gave him a hard time, but it didn't happen often. I mean, as much as I hated the tag, not many people are gonna pick on the brother of the guy who got thrown outta school for 'deliberately' breaking someone's arm. Even when it did, I made sure I kept my fighting to the wrestling mat. No more accidents were gonna happen on my account."

"Sounds like things worked out in the end."

"Well..." I paused in my reply, searching his for sarcasm. Still he sat small, arms folded, giving nothing away. "I guess it helped all of us realise just how stupid it was. How easy someone could have got hurt even worse. Don't get me wrong, none of us were ever real close after that, but... we spoke. I got on with a few of them, like Martin, until we headed our separate ways at the end of finishing school a couple years later." My phone caught my eye; a reminder from the end of the table. "At least... I thought we did. Something else I got wrong."

"Ok, guys." Here came Franko. Waiting until the worst moment possible to come hovering over me. "You need anything?" I wiped my eyes to catch a tear I didn't want dropping. "More drinks?"

"Let's just go ahead with ordering food." My phone bounced from my fist on the table. "He's not coming, and I'm done with waiting."

"Uh, sure." Franko stepped back, catching himself from stumbling over a chair at the table next to us. "No problem. Lemme just go get my ordering pad."

Watching him come close to running away from me only grew the hate inside me. I was doing this all wrong. Fucking things up for myself. Everything I got involved in inevitably turned to shit, so why not this, too?

"Don't get too annoyed over it," Alen said. "Maybe he really _did_have a good reason for not being here."

"Maybe," I mumbled back. "I just hoped getting Martin here, letting you hear all this from someone else might have helped."

"What do you mean?"

"I wanted you to see that even after I'd hurt his friend so bad, we still got on. We put it behind us and could still be friendly. I wanted him to be here to let you see and hear how everything changed after that... Me included." Breathing got harder. I started choking on the sadness lumping in my throat. "I needed you to know that angry or not, I'd never hurt anyone like that on purpose. Especially a Maleni. _Especially_you."

I reached for my empty glass, peering down deep inside. The milky dregs gathered in the bottom, clouding my view as I rolled it between my palms. "I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry?"

"It wasn't supposed to be like this."

"It can't be helped." Alen's words carried softly, but they didn't help me any. Wiping my eyes soaked the fur of my hand. "Your friend's the one who decided not to come."

"Not just that," I moaned. "Everything."

"It's fine--"

"But it's _not_fine!" Barely thinking, I slammed my glass to the table. The torn napkin scattered, forcing Alen to throw up his arms as a good chunk showered over him.

"Calm down."

"Sorry." My hand jolted forward. "Let me get that--" It caught my glass, tipping it. I reacted. Tried to catch it. Didn't.

It crashed across the table, sending what little drink remained spraying out. I watched in horror, unable to react as it splashed all over Alen's seat, soaking him along with it.

"Oh... gods." I didn't know what to do except sit there like an idiot.

Alen meanwhile looked up and down himself, arms spread out, examining the state I'd put him in.

"I'm sorry," I repeated, eyes and muzzle getting damper. "So stupid."

"It's only a drink--"

"I'm messing this up big time."

He gathered some of the torn napkin shards, tending to himself. "It'll come out."

"As if you thinking I'm a bully wasn't bad enough."

"I don't think that--"

"I had to deal with so many damn rumours all through the rest of final year." I sniffed, tears falling faster. "People thinking the worst of me. Looking at me like a thug." Both hands were drenched. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop my side of the table looking as damp as Alen's. "Thought I'd left all that behind when I got out of school in Padinica-- Look, I've got it all over your shirt!"

"It's just a few drops. It could've been worse--"

"So embarrassing." Heads started to turn all around us. A dozen glares and then some came my way. "In front of everyone."

I threw my palms to my face, eyes clenched tight. What I'd have given to swap places with Alen in the moment. To be small enough to just hide away and disappear. Instead, I could nothing but sit here in the big, wide open. All eyes locked on me while I sniveled like a cub. "What's wrong with me?"

"Nothing's wrong with you."

I tried to lean down, to turn away from everyone and everything. Another wipe of my eyes, my muzzle. I'd got myself into a complete state.

"Jonas. Come on."

Alen's snapping didn't help. It just made everything worse. My ears splayed and flattened, but not by enough that I couldn't pick up the scurrying across the table.

"Look at me." His little hand pressed against my elbow. "Please."

With a deep breath, and another rub at my sore eyes, I did. In all honesty, I'm not sure what I expected. The warmth I saw in his face definitely wasn't it.

"Get yourself one of these." Alen's soft webbing brushed through my fur as he leaned over, reaching down towards the pile of fresh napkins. "And stop rubbing your eyes. You're making them all red."

I sniffed again, wiping my nose. His sweet smile helped me to crack one in return, as did his efforts at lifting the edge of a paper towel as long as he stood tall. "Thank you."

"Don't mention it." He watched me slip two fingers in beside his hand. "Carry me up there with it."

"What?"

"Pick me up." Now, _that_really got me smiling. "Come on."

I bit my lip, not hesitating to do as he asked. Up came the red napkin between my fingers, with Alen riding high atop my palm.

"Pat, don't wipe," he said, stroking circles in my cheek fur. "You'll just make them all puffy otherwise."

"Okay." I lifted the towel to follow his instruction. He in turn grabbed a small corner and together, we dried out my fur. Hopefully it got me looking more presentable to everyone gawking my way.

"You shouldn't ever be afraid to cry," Alen whispered up towards my ear. "Especially in front of me."

"It's all the other customers." I pressed the napkin to my cheek again, catching a stray tear. "Workmates, too."

"Who cares what any of them think! It's none of their business."

"I guess."

"No guess. It's fact." He shifted closer, looking me straight in the eye with the kindest words. "Just care about what _I_think."

Seeing him balanced on my palm, beaming happiness for the first time since... I don't know when. It left me wanted to burst out crying all over again.

"Are you okay now?"

I didn't answer. Instead, I just tipped my hand and hugged him tight to my muzzle.

"I'll take that as a yes." Alen rested his own atop it, little arms squeezing against me. "Friend showing up or not, I think you're a sweetheart for going to all this effort." He shifted to plant a kiss atop my nose. "For trying to get things good again."

My ears flitted about like crazy, warming along with cheeks already hurting from the size of my grin. I still couldn't find my words. It made a change to have Alen do the speaking for the both of us. That thought whisked me away, carried me even higher, left me unashamed to cup his back and rear in both paws and return a long, deep kiss.

His little fingers traced my muzzle tip, tickling my whiskers. He pushed back, muzzle slipping between my lips while his rudder slapped my palm. The tiny, happy squeaks he let forth danced in my ears, encouraged me, upping the intensity. My heart started to pound, as did my own tail atop the seat I sank deeper into. He tasted better than I remembered. Pure joy in the tiniest, most beautiful package.

We broke, smiled, petted, then dove in for another display of our affection. Right then, I couldn't have given any less of a damn what anyone thought about me.

However long we wound up connected, taking in one another, it ended up long enough for someone to come to the side of our table, deliberately clearing their throat.

"So, uh..." Franko stood there above us, one hand gripping his tablet, the other rubbing at his temple. "Five minutes?"

I froze, not knowing what to say. Alen couldn't help much either, sprawled out in my palms.

Franko snorted, smirking hard as he turned away. "Five minutes."

From that point on, everything lifted. Got better. The chatter around us got back its cheer. The amber mood lighting grew warmer, more comfortable. Even the sunshine outside seemed to brighten. Poured in through the windows to blanket everything and everyone.

All the mood and sadness, quiet and uncertainty just up and left. Like it'd never been here in the first place. I dared not to think about how long this would last. I just made sure to enjoy it to the fullest. Embrace it and have the best damn time with my Alen as possible.

At Riki's, we had the most fantastic meal together. Out of all the servings of chicken and caponata I'd had in my time, I'd not tasted any as good as the one I had that afternoon. Alen sure seemed to share my opinion of his fish stew, making more than a few happy, slurping noises from his seat.

Hell, even Franko got better. Whether things had died down, or he'd just found a way to free himself up, he made sure to get to our table a lot more often than before.

We shared a real tight slap of the hand with him before I left with Alen. I damn well owed him one for this.

Our happy day together didn't end once we strolled outside, meeting the cool breeze floating across the dusk-covered seafront. The water might've been too cold to keep the promise I made about climbing into a swimsuit, but that didn't mean we couldn't enjoy the beach together.

The chorus of music and partygoers thudded and murmured over and over from the bars and clubs behind us. Even that couldn't kill the mood. We lied back on the sand, Alen cuddling up against my arm while waves lapped a stone's throw from my paws.

Light slowly left us, calling forth the brightening stars high overhead. Still, our eyes were for each other only.

We lost ourselves in conversation, talking and talking for the longest time about pretty much everything that existed beneath the darkening sky. I don't think we'd spoken this much since Padinica. I don't think we'd spoken this much, ever.

As night replaced day, massing over stark blue sands tinged with moonlight, we caught breath together. Settled down to recover from everything that had led to this. Alen slid even closer, hands clasping my muzzle as I cuddled him close.

"You're cold," I whispered, nosing under his chin.

"So are you." He nosed back, pecking me on my muzzle tip.

A soft kiss won me a smile. "You wanna head home?"

"Sure."

Cradling him in my hands, I pushed myself back up onto my feet. "Are you okay like this?"

Alen started to curl, using a finger pad as a headrest "Absolutely."

My little rudder tail definitely had the right idea. We left everyone else to the evening, going against the grain along the strip as we took ourselves home. Together.

I locked the front door behind us, shutting the busy world out from our apartment. The clock on the cable box shone bright through the darkness, stopping me fast. "Nine-fifty... We really _were_out for a long time."

Alen just grumbled in reply, squeezing tighter to my neck with a big yawn.

"Tired?" I chuckled, stroking a finger between his ears as he nodded. "Let's get you to bed."

As great as our day together ended up, and as much as we'd spoken down on the beachfront, not everything we had to discuss had come up in conversation. One last subject lingered over us still. Probably the most important of all.

Wrapped up tight beneath our sheets, Alen back pride of place atop my chest, the question over how long this'd all last cropped up in my head. How long would it be before something else came along to drive him away again?

Much as it'd have been nice to lie back and forget, we couldn't dodge the question forever. We couldn't bury the past, expecting, hoping it to stay that way. We owed it to the future not to.

"How was your stew?" I loosened the sheets to get a better look at Alen, sprawled out in my fur. "It's kinda new on the menu."

"Thought so." Another loud yawn. "Was real good."

"Glad to hear it." My fingers began drumming the mattress. "Glad you enjoyed."

"Definitely." His little nose pressed down against my skin. "Thanks again for today. Even if it didn't go to plan."

"You're welcome." The rapping got louder. Even Alen moved sleepily to take notice. I bit my lip, took a breath and just up and said it. "I really hope today helped clear things up..."

"What's that?"

My jaw clenched, tail whipping beneath the covers. "About what got you worried. What you spoke with Toni about back in Padinica."

"Oh."

"I hope you can still see me... the way that I see you."

Alen's breathing got louder. Mine, too. He started to get his energy back, adjusting to lean up and watch me with half-lidded eyes. My tail kept batting the bedcovers, fingers damn near taking chunks from the mattress as they struck.

He turned away, starting to curl. His head dropped into my fur, hiding his face. My heart dropped with it.

"Alen?" I did my best not to poke him too hard. "You okay?" My fur bristled all over, rubbing uncomfortably against the sheets. The flick of my tail stopped, along with the drum of my fingers. I froze stiff, waiting for him to raise his head again.

"Today... helped me realise."

My ears sprang up, head lifting from my pillow for a better view. Still he kept his back to me, forcing me to blurt a half-shouted, "Realise what?"

His little frame jolted, either from the shock of my voice, or the one it sent through my body.

"Sorry." I stroked over him, tracing my fingers down his back, all the way to his boxers. His little tail had tucked between his legs. I hoped my playing and running of it across my pads might help ease him. "What's on your mind. You know you can tell me."

His breathing got softer, shoulders looser as he finally rolled back onto his belly. He gazed up at me with wide eyes this time, the starts of a smile a happy surprise. "That I'd not got the full picture..."

Strong came the urge to jump in and tell him how happy I was to hear that, or what I assumed he'd meant. I wanted to wrap my hands around and hold him tight. Gods knew he didn't need all that, though. I left him to have some space, hoping that'd be enough to let me keep hearing his thoughts.

"I'd got real hung up about what Toni said to me. Everything he'd said about what happened back at school. About rumours... Thinking back... It was a mess. I'm not even sure what it was that he'd told me. Specifically." His little muzzle sank back into my chest fur, caressing it with webbed fingers. I could feel my face creasing more and more from what he had to say.

"I can't tell you how much I've hated letting things get on top of me. Upset me so much. I just... fell into it. It all messed with my head until it felt like I didn't know which way was up any more. I want to say I forgive you... but I think it should be the other way round."

"Hey..." I petted the back of his head, pressing him deeper into my fur. "It's fine."

"It's not, though." Alen pushed back, slipping away from my finger with a glare. "I've been such a jerk these last few weeks. Wound up treating you like dirt." Away he turned, eyes closed. "Wasn't fair of me."

"Maybe not." I'd not let him escape from more rubbing. "But I can understand why you got that way."

"Oh, stop it." Again he tried to duck away, putting up a short resistance as I scooped him into my hand. "Stop pretending."

"How am I pretending?" My palm as his seat, fingers his backrest, I brought him to my muzzle. "Hearing rumours about me threatening and beating up Maleni came as a shock... especially given how we met." His ears flattened, but I continued. "I know how scary we can be when we want. How much pain we can cause, even when we don't... That's probably why I saw red that first evening. When Zoran came in, snatched you up--"

"I don't want to talk about that!" He shoved my nose. Batted at it. "About him or the shit he put me through--"

"Alright." I just smiled on back at him. "You don't have to. What we _do_need to talk about is me. Padinica. All that's been going on."

"We have--"

"We haven't. Not properly." Alen kept quiet, staring down somewhere towards my shoulder. "I just wish you'd heard all this from me to start with, not Toni. Maybe none of this would've ever happened." The covers seemed tight around me. They made it tough to catch my breath and keep going. "I don't want you to be thinking of me as perfect. I'm not some... bodyguard or guardian angel to be put on a pedestal or anything like that--"

"I_don't_think that."

"Good." I hoped another smile might help win him over. Not just yet. "That's not to say I'll not be there for you. Of course I will. Always. But at the same time, I'm just a person. I'm going to get upset, annoyed or whatever on occasion. We're probably gonna disagree, and maybe even argue..."

"What are you trying to say?"

"What I'm _trying_to say is..." My huffing blew through his fur. "We need to talk. We need to be open with each other. Not bottle things up inside and hope they get better all by themselves." I nursed him into peering back up at me, leaning to press the tip of my nose to his. "That goes for the both of us."

Alen nodded, patting my muzzle. "I can get behind that."

I licked under his chin, getting a squeaky giggle in return. Still, even as he relaxed and softened against me, the quiet remained the most noticeable of all. As if something still stood between us, and not just from Alen.

After everything that'd happened, been said and done, I still had my own past weighing down on me. Even if I'd promised not to, I had to talk about it. Get it off my chest once and for all.

"I know you don't wanna talk about Zoran, but--"

"No! Please--"

"I don't want to talk about him either, but just hear me out!" I hauled myself away from my pillow, gathering Alen as I sat upright. "Just this once."

His cheeks twitched along with his jaw. "Fine."

Setting him down in my lap, against my stomach beneath the sheets, I kept my hand close. "I don't want you to ever compare me to him again."

He stared up at me with mouth open, going limp against my petting. "What I mean is... You need to know, and remember, that whatever's happened in the past, I am _nothing_like him."

My rubbing got firmer, pressing him into me. I dipped my head, closed my eyes and went for it. "I know exactly what he did to you. What he put you through. There's not much I can promise you, but one thing I can is that no matter what happens between us, no matter what, I won't ever... treat you the way he did. Ever. I'll never lay a finger on you--"

"Jonas," Alen whined, sniffling. "Stop."

His little hands pressed at my finger, trying to wrap around it. They started tugging. Only when I reopened my eyes did I notice my fist clenching.

"I know," he sobbed. "I really do. And that's what hurt the most." Tiny teardrops struck my finger fur, soaking it in warmth. "I just... got scared."

I loosened my fist, opened it, wrapped my little boyfriend in the softness of my pads. "Of what?"

"Things like what your brother said... About how you got in trouble after something involving Maleni. Then I remembered how angry you got at him just before, for poking fun at you. The way you moved, shouted, high above... It's stupid, I hated it, and I don't know why, but it took me right back. Right back to being in Zoran's apartment. Alone. All the things--" A loud, choking splutter sent his body trembling against me. "Everything he did came back loud and clear, and no matter how much I tried, I just couldn't make them go away. Even when you were right there with me-- I'm sorry. I'm sorry I--"

"Hey," I sang, pulling down the covers to cuddle him deep into my stomach. "Stop it."

"Stop what?"

"Stop saying sorry." I brought my other hand around to stroke and support his head. "It's not your fault."

"But if I'd just spoken to you-- or if I'd not pressed Toni about these things--"

A soft touch of my finger pressed his muzzle into my fur, stopping that mile-a-minute brain of his from stealing him off someplace he didn't need to go. "That's something we _don't_need to talk about."

"'kay." Alen wiped his eyes. I offered another finger to help him out with that.

"I didn't mean to make you cry. Sorry."

"Oh," he coughed with a laugh. "So now _you're_sorry."

That set me off chuckling. "Come here."

I sat forward, squeezing him tighter into my belly with both hands. The sobbing stopped. A gentle, rumbling moan finally took its place.

We kept each other close, barely moving. If it hadn't been for my back cramping from sitting hunched over, it'd have gone on even longer than it did.

I let myself settle, onto my back then over onto my side, all while holding Alen tight. Not that it'd have been easy to pry him from my stomach in any case.

"You okay down there?" He gave a long moan by way of reply, little hands gripping me tighter. I snorted. "That a yes or a no?"

"Yes." Alen pulled his face from my fur, peering up the mattress. "Totally."

The bright, wide-eyed smile shining my way helped warm me way more than these bedcovers ever could. It lifted his cheeks, his ears, and me right along with them.

Even with what had played out down at Riki's, and on the beach after, I don't think I'd seen him so full of affection since we'd got home from Padinica. I couldn't stop myself reaching down to smother him into me all over again.

"Hey," he called, muffled voice vibrating through my fingers. "Quit it."

"What?" I cuddled him closer, petting just above his tailbase.

"That!"

"You don't like hugs?"

"I don't have a problem with hugs." He pushed at my fingers. A signal to let up the pressure, even with his chuckling as he slapped at my stomach. "But any harder, and I might not have found my way out again."

"That's not very nice," I replied, nursing him up the bed and towards my muzzle. "What are you trying to say?"

"Didn't say that's a _bad_thing... I just--"

Another lick of his chin, another loud squeal of approval. This time though, I got myself a lick on the nose of my own. My tail swept behind me, lifting the covers and exposing my hips to the cool air. Not that I noticed all that much with my otter wrapped around my muzzle tip.

"You know... I wish I could go back."

"Hmm?" Alen gazed up at me.

"Make things right."

He loosened, head cocking. "On our trip to Padinica?"

"Well, yeah... but back at school, too." He opened his mouth to say something, but I just ploughed on. "If I didn't insist on throwing my weight around, getting into fights with people giving Toni, and then me a hard time... none of what came after would have."

"Maybe--"

"If I'd never got such a reputation at school, there'd have been nothing for you to hear from Toni."

"Jonas--"

"I'd have never upset you. Got you scared of me. I'd--"

A firm kiss to my muzzle cut me off. Alen's hands squeezed around my nose, rubbing. "I'm not scared any more."

My mouth hung open. He peered up with soft, brown eyes, almost magnetic. They seemed to pull me in, deeper and deeper. Until there was no way out. That suited me just fine.

I pressed my lips to his little muzzle, restarting that long, warming kiss we'd held for so long at Riki's. Only this time, as I cupped his rear, we'd not have an audience to stop us from truly expressing ourselves.