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When you asked me in the dark, joking,

'You're not in love with me, right?'

I might have hidden the truth a little.

I told you, 'I know it doesn't work, wouldn't have dared to think about it.'

I lay there in my bed, my heart pounding feverishly after my confession, and waited for your response.

'That's... good.'

You once told me that hiding part of the truth was not lying, but I feel compelled to give you the full answer. Partly because you deserve it and mostly because I feel bad if I hide it and it just keeps gnawing at my insides.

I never kept a diary, because I will always remembers memories that are dearest to me. But for you, I don't want to risk it. And it would be fun to see things from my perspective, won't it?

We met on the notoriously irregular bus no.8 by the KMB(Kowloon Motor Bus). God bless I don't have to ever rely on it to school ever again. We didn't know each other yet, as we were from different classes. My only friend not from my class was Hugo, whom I met via Orchestra. It was no wonder we didn't speak a lot, but by some miracle I know Gemma, and for whatever reason you seem to know her, so we at least exchanged a few 'hi's and 'bye's, under the constant buzz of scrabble that was the Roadshow that kept playing on those tiny screens during the long bus trip.

For those who don't understand what the hell's going on, consider yourself lucky. You didn't have to endure certain weird things that Hong Kong companies do.

Later I knew you started gaining weight in primary four, that's fourth grade, so the first time I saw you you're already plump. My first impression was that you are a bear, like Winnie the Pooh kind of bear. There're other reasons as to why you are a bear, but then you just looked like one.

At the end of the Form One, that's seventh grade for you lucky people, I was recruited to the school robotics team, where I spent nearly all my time around you and had the happiest time of my short life yet.

By then I already knew Faith, the mostly mild tiger who seemed to have destroyed us in every exam we shared, through the useless rehearsal for academic prize giving ceremony. I saw you, along with a fat snake, and we were grouped into the same team. The first ever robotics team we're in.

The following summer was fun. Taking lessons in the D&T Lab, learning part of everything that is LEGO Mindstorm, it was the first time ever that I had closer male friends. You asked me a while back how I knew I was... not straight, and I just let the question pass as I clutched my blanket, because it would require too much explanation to do and I decided to write this anyway. So here's the first hint: I seemed to warm up to girls easier than boys, and I didn't know why. I knew Michelle during the first year and it was a pretty embarrassing experience. I liked her a lot and called her 'sister' (she's older than me) the whole Form One, but I never loved her because of obvious reasons.

Speaking of girls, the first friend I met in Form Two after that blissful summer was Fish, which I still call her by even now. She also chose Michelle as her English name, funnily enough, but nobody called her by that. You probably don't need reminding who Fish is; after all she has haunted your brain for quite some time, and will probably do in the future. Lemme get back to why I thought you're a bear shall we? A bear just couldn't resist a fat juicy fish, amirite? Heheheh...

I'll see myself out.

Going back to the robotics team business, I became quite a lot closer to Faith because you somehow managed to sign up for staying at the Lab on precisely weekdays that Faith and I chose NOT to stay. And we began a mini tugwar among ourselves of dismantling the previous model and building a new one, only to find out that the other mini group did the same every day.

I was rather indifferent about you, as I didn't see much of you anyway until the competition drew near and we started preparing at the Lab every day after school. But there was one rather weird meeting during Form Two or maybe Form One. I don't really remember the time that well.

We went out for lunch together, and you dragged somebody along and I listened to you chatting excitedly about buying special game cards with 500 dollars.

What.the.hell?

500 HKD was about 65 USD, FYI, but still it was a lot for somebody still studying in middle school and buying a pack of shiny cards that nobody remembers now. I have my fair share of pokemon cards but they were nowhere near as expensive as the ones you and that guy talked about.

I just sat there feeling utterly speechless nibbling at a plate of rice. Feeling like a seal on land, because that's precisely who I am.

I liked you a lot better after the robotics competition, partly because we had quite a bit of success there. Fourth place, it wasn't shabby for first-timers like us. Also we had a fair amount of shared laughter over Faith dropping a notebook, breaking it, and seeing how the coach (so to speak) couldn't bring himself to scold Faith too much as he was a model student at school, not to mention his father taught at the same school.

After that competition came exam. Nothing really happened during the second summer. We basically formed the same old team to tackle another competition, which involves a LOT of hard boiled eggs and a certain Pandora's Chest. It was okay, and I managed to drag you guys to my home for some playtime. It's the first time I ever saw Faith's detest for tomatoes, so much so that he ate spaghetti with freaking SOY SAUCE.

Form Three was the time when our friendship started to be more interesting. First came the selection of candidates for the upcoming major robotics competition that our school had won every year since who knew when. I immediately said no because mum thought too much robotics would ruin my studying, so I was hanging by the sidelines watching who got picked. Faith got picked in the end, no surprises there, and you got left behind.

We formed a team for the less serious competition in June, because Faith would not be there for it and Fat Snake quitted, so we only had each other left in the original team. We started to leave school together since we now had a shared schedule of staying at the robotics lab, and we spent most of the time laughing at the terribly made advertisements on the Roadshow. You were supposed to have quite a selection of buses to reach home, but you always waited with me to board the same bus as me.

I spent a lot of my time at school away from my own classroom because none of the friends other than Fish had moved up with me into 3A, easily the most boring class of the whole form. I rather venture to the classroom next to mine, which was 3B, and find you to have a chat or work at the robotics lab.

3B was a fun class. All the people who liked to have fun was in there and I was rather surprised when you invited me to a rooftop barbeque with them.

Of course, you were the host. You were allowed to invite anyone to your aunt's home. I just felt odd, and excited. Now I think about it that was the gesture that moved me from the 'normal friends' category to your 'besties' one.

I didn't feel too weird about the party when I am sitting with nearly a dozen of people that I barely knew and you seem to have fun just fine, drinking some alcohol and doing crazy shit that Form Threes tend to do. I still reject alcohol to this day owing to the awful taste, but I think I did a pretty good job of being a guest there. Helped you wash some vegetables for a hotpot, tended to the roasting meat so you could sit down for a while and eat, cleaning up the place a little bit before I was forced to go home. I still gave you back money for the food you treated us all to, which frankly I'm the only one who did. I think I went out early with you to buy food for the gathering at the last one you held, where I was staring with wide eyes just how much money you seemed to give away and not care. But you had fun, who was I to judge there?

That was after I told you, after one of the more silly economic exams I've ever sat, that my dad was fired and my family would have no income and shenanigans. Hell, I didn't know how much of a hoard my family was back then and the news messed me up the whole weekend. I could only lay on my bed with my economic notes open and not reading a single word. Back then I didn't have much sense how important money was and I just couldn't bear to take the news alone. So I told you when we walked down the slope to the convenience store for an ice-cream.

You always seemed to take news quite calmly. I don't think you said anything in particular then? But it felt good to have someone to share the brunt with.

Talk about sharing, I would never forget the details of the 'picnic' my mum packed for us when we left for Macau for the RoboCupJunior competition. Hugo didn't have any breakfast, so he ate the inch-thick ham and egg sandwiches in the morning already. Yet there was still one jumbo sausage for each of us, and a whole box of fried noodles with beef and chicken wings. It was outright ridiculous. Even after two teachers leading our trip helping us out with the food, we still had a bit of leftovers.

But it was a good time... and we won the right to another competition in Mexico with our own effort, our own lego, our own program, not a dozen fucking duplicates that certain robotics tutorial centers made and the participants only went out to push the 'start' button and win a prize. It felt really great to have a real victory, shame we never had the chance to go to Mexico for that competition.

And then Form Four came, and finally nearly all our close friends were in the same class. Yet I felt rather distant towards Faith then, after not seeing him for nearly a year. I think in Form Three you had already occupied my 'best friend' slot and as such I didn't feel as close to Faith as before. Sure we still hung out and fought playfully for the first place in exams, but he had his own closer friends too from the other competition, and I had you. So it didn't really feel the same anymore.

We were finally in the same class, and would be for three more years. For the first time in secondary school (HK groups middle school and high school into this), I felt like I belong.

It was also the time when you first met Fish properly. I knew you were in the same class in Form One but you obviously weren't close. I also met Michelle again after two years and I just felt awkward being in the same class with her again. She's still composed and like a big sister while I'm still an oddball and did silly things a lot of the times, like Fish.

The competition in Beijing was a landmark for me. It marked my first time spending a night with you. Of course it was nothing special, most of the time we were preparing for the competition with other teammates who decided to use our room as a meeting place. But the first night something happened. I don't know how you manage to do that, but you lay down on the bed sheets and fell asleep seconds after, snoring away as I stared at you. A twinge of affection was what I felt, but nothing more. I liked you a lot as a friend, and didn't give it too much of a thought. I brushed my teeth and playfully poked you awake when I found that despite my loud noises in the bathroom you're still soundly asleep.

The following nights were a bit of a haze to me, but I remembered having a bit of fun on our PSPs, and you sharing with me your mum's strange obsession with religions and showed me an emblem she gave you. It was maybe the first time we talked about your family?

We dropped out of robotics team in Form Five as studying for public exam became more serious. We still spent a lot of time playing League of Legends together, but no more hanging around the robotics lab for fun or competitions to grind our teeth towards. There was just studying and taking lessons... and of course the Life Camp.

Two fun nights on a double bunker... and discovering Faith's mental breakpoint of not being able to sleep because of a certain overenthusiastic friend... we did share rooms of four, so not much heart to heart happened in the room. But we did go by the girl's dormitories to find the remaining three girls of the squad we formed. Fish, Michelle and the newly added Sharkie, we chatted for quite some time under the supervision of numerous mosquitos in the lukewarm night.

I wrote nothing on my letter to myself one year later, because I had nothing much to say to myself. I had been rather passive my whole life and I wanted to change. I didn't need a silly letter that arrives in my letter box a year later during the public exam to remind me that. I started to voice out my opinions a lot more, and be pushier, so to speak.

With new found conviction, we entered the final year of secondary school. The year when we pretend to be busy while most of the time we were just repeatedly tested on stuff already learned and revised a long time ago. You and I became rather close, something that even our class teacher noted in passing, and we nearly spent every hour after school to walk down the same slope to the McDonalds opposite your home to have a treat, to unwind, to talk about whatever we want because we were often alone.

Members of the squad sometimes joined us in our tea time, and we would still take the same route down the hill. Fish tended to avoid walking next to you, I noticed dimly, as she often giggled and seek refuge beside me instead whenever you tried to engage her in conversation, inside and outside the classroom. I didn't realize this, but now that I think about it, maybe she already knew I was 'safe' to be around with, unlike you.

It was around December that you told me one day, you liked her a lot and wanted to ask her out. I immediately told you to go for it because I thought there was no point in waiting. Accept or reject, it's better to know earlier than later. I didn't know too much of the conversations you had with her late into the night in Skype, and so you did confess, on a day I waited uneasily alone for my bus home while you finally had an opportunity alone with her.

She told you she'd think about it after the public exam, and I thought it was a good sign. At least you didn't get rejected, right? It was much later that I learned it was much better to be rejected than being hung by a thread without a definitive answer, waiting for months on end just to be disappointed all over again.

That's what happened. I didn't know when we went on the trip to Taiwan: You, me, Fish and Sharkie. We had some leisurely fun, but that trip was definitely not a role model for future holidays. Hell, we refused to sleep until 3am and woke up at noon nearly every day. I just thought it was a bit harsh of you to be so angry over splitting up with the two girls and searching for them for half an hour in the night market before you finally found them in the same shop we left them. Fish told me to watch over you at night, so I did.

You did say that you were sorry for being so agitated. I just agreed because I get super nervous when someone gets out of touch for a while. There's nothing wrong about panicking when suddenly two female friends disappeared behind you in a foreign country.

I sat on the bed, looking at your silhouette in the bathroom. I immediately turned when you started to undress for the shower, not wanting to invade your privacy even though it's just shadows.

I'm not a pervert.

The rest of the trip went on rather smoothly, and you didn't lose your temper again, not even when Fish pulled you into the hot bath we enjoyed dipping our feet in and your nosebleed stained the water red. I had to apologize because I laughed there, before asking you if you're okay.

I didn't know what to think when I went to see you off before you fly off to Canada. I'd made promises with you to Skype you regularly, and that we wouldn't lose contact even though we're at opposite ends of the globe. But I still felt uneasy saying goodbye, especially when there were other classmates there at the airport.

Anyways, you flew off and our university (or college) lives began.

Why does life always have to be so complicated for you? I upheld my promises and did a pretty good job at staying connected with you, Faith and Hugo via modern technology, but then things happened on your side again.

You told me about another crush again, and this time before you had any chance to do anything about it, your friend who knew you liked her went ahead and asked her out.

It happens, I knew. Life isn't a soap opera but things like this sometimes happen and I just feel sad, sad that you were not angry. There's a clear line between betrayal and loyalty, what your friend did was not something in the grey area, and yet you forgave him. I was not asking for any grudges but at least you had to think what he did was wrong, don't you? If you did this to me I would most definitely knock out a few of your teeth, but now we know it would never happen, so that's a bit of relief.

No big surprises there in our dull university lives, except that I found out Fish had a boyfriend so late that even you knew for a long time. You sounded cool about it, but I know you weren't completely, from the long talk we had that night.

In March 2016, Zootopia happened and I searched online for lots of fan stuff. I even shared a few with you and OMG weren't those gay, now that I think about. But at that time I just thought they were fun to look at and I just watched with envy. I even bought plushes to clip onto my backpack because they just calm me down a lot and gave me security and confidence, things that I lack then that I was quite alone.

I also read all of the fanfictions about them. I imagined how it would feel if it happened to me instead. I always enjoyed company that gives me secure feelings so I can be taken care of, instead of fixing everybody else's problems, and thus I prefer male presence over female ones.

And before you think about any mistakes about my sexuality, here's the final straw: I've seen my fair share of porn on the internet too, mostly in a researching mood, and I don't even remotely like pussies. So... yeah, basically I'm not sexually attracted to females.

I promised to give you the truth, didn't I? There's all of it, maybe a bit too much detail for your liking but what can I do?

I Skyped you about it quite a while back. You were cool with whatever I liked, though you joking said you preferred your best friend not be gay. I hated to disappoint, but that's the truth.

Two semesters of university later, you suddenly had to come back to Hong Kong for your grandpa's funeral. To be perfectly honest, I was thrilled to see you in person again, even if being happy over someone's death was not very appropriate. We had dinner together with old classmates, and I saw you off once again after you spent less than two days in Hong Kong. You noticed the plushes on my backpack and asked, I just said I liked them the most. You didn't push at the question.

The visit was brief, but it made me think thoroughly how I want to face you. I would be outright lying if I didn't have feelings for you, after we'd been through so much and knew each other so well. But then I knew you're into girls from your past experiences, so lusting after you would be a very, very bad idea. I just let myself mull over the feelings every night until I realized something.

Why do I always have to mull over things so many times before things become clear? I never loved someone properly, so I'd been putting quite a bit of my unused affection on you. Even now you're the person I'm most invested in emotionally and physically. Take that beautiful knife as example, I've never bought anyone including myself something that expensive before, and yet I had no problem giving it to you. My advice is that you better milk a few more presents out of me before I learn to be selfish, or maybe I never learn.

You told me about planning a trip to Japan near the end of summer. I was more than thrilled to go on a trip with you again. It would be a perfect break from all the examination and presentations during the semester. I also decided firmly to come out to you, now that I fixed my mind and I knew hiding it was not really necessarily.

But of course, I always mess things up a little bit and I ended up joining the trip halfway, after Faith found me Zoos and Museums to visit before meeting you and your two new friends.

I felt nervous, and kept checking my phone for your messages, as I stood at the main gate of Ueno Station. Meeting your new friends... I would be representing not only myself, but also you as well. I better not freak out and embarrass you in front of your friends. Truth be told I would very much prefer the trip to be you and me only. That way I didn't have to act all mature and stuff anymore.

You wouldn't believe how relieved I was to see you crossing the gates to greet me, despite pushing two suitcases. It wasn't like I hadn't met you at the airport to welcome you to Hong Kong, but that feeling was rather different. I also met your two friends, and I tried my best to recognize them by their name. Frankly I suck at recognizing people, that's why I don't like meeting strangers.

They're cool. I joined in a bit of chitchat with you guys, despite me preferring to be silent. They seemed to approve of my humor. That's great... I didn't let you down, like I accepted my fate of having a beer because you insisted.

I raised my head when your friends asked me about our trip to Taiwan, which they thought you went alone with two girls. I kept cool, quiet, and just smiled. They asked if you always talk dirty like that. I recoiled a bit inside when you kept talking about girls and sex in front of them, and I said no, a little protectively.

Later that night you explained to me you hid part of the truth to them, so as to build a better image? You were worried I wouldn't be cool with it. Why wouldn't I be? I just feel sad. The reason why you had to express so much bravado is because you're not happy with yourself. Does banging a girl make you a better person? Are they so important that you have to lie just to have small talk with them? Why can't you just be yourself, and be content at the same time? Or is the person I've known for so long not actually your most natural side?

I didn't have so much thought at that time. My brain work well when I had time to mull things overnight. After all I had my own worries that night too.

I couldn't sleep, as I lay in bed, listening to you rummaging around your suitcase for clothes. I told myself to tell you that I'm gay a long time ago, and yet my heart just wouldn't stop freaking out.

Listening to the distant shower sounds, I fought with my mind to not back out from it and just fall asleep. I knew if I delay the inevitable once, it would just be easier to delay it the next time. Then how am I supposed to tell my family about it when the time finally comes? It isn't even something particularly proud or shamefully to confess. I wouldn't call that bravery.

You came back to the bedroom.

'Can't sleep?'

You turned off the lights, and we were plunged into darkness. I decided it's time.

'I have something to tell you.' I said as I clutched the blankets tightly in my grip.

'I know. No wonder why you're not asleep yet.' You said lightly.

'...' I tried to speak the words I had in my mind for so long, but they were lodged in my throat.

'Did I miss it?'

'What? No! I haven't said it yet....' I cleared my throat painfully.

'I am... gay.'

A second of silence.

'Well, it's not completely a surprise to me. I kinda guessed when you were all over Zootopia.'

'I Skyped you about it... but I wanted to tell you face to face.'

'Anyways, I support you.'

I shuffled in my bed, 'I don't need supporting.'

'You know what I mean.'

I didn't know what to say to that.

'You know... I was afraid there for a moment.'

'Hmm?'

'You're not in love with me, right?'

'I know it doesn't work, wouldn't have dared to think about it.'

'That's... good.'

I chuckled a bit, 'If I love you that would really suck.'

My heart had returned to normal. After that we talked, like two years ago. I learned a lot more about the truth behind your rather unfortunate events, and your fears.

The rest of the trip went on fine. You were worried at one point that I would be bored at one point, since you guys were looking at things that I don't touch at the famous/infamous Akahibara. But I told you I was fine, and I meant it. The main point of the trip is to spend some quality time with you. It didn't matter where we went. I don't mind carrying bags for you, though it looked like I was your maid to your friends, but that's what I was there for, right?

I was rather unimpressed when you tried to convince your friends that chatting with girl over night was a good way to understand her. Another act of bravado, as you seemed proud over the fact that you had quite a few recollections of late night talk. I just asked,

'Did it work then?'

That brought plenty of laughter for your friends as they thought I caught onto the main point of the problem. They no doubt had heard about your failure in love from you.

They were wrong. The whole point of the question is that love is not a matter of how well you know someone; it's a matter of trust.

I asked pointedly, as we sat at the dining table in your home (old home?), eating the famed unhealthy street food of Hong Kong,

'Are you still capable of unrequited trust? Trust that I won't hurt you?'

You were trying to evade the question, 'I believe being with one another must hurt each other sometimes, even if it's unintentional.'

I pressed on, 'I trust you to not hurt me, even if you're threatened with death. And I trust Hugo and Faith to do the same too.'

'Well I wouldn't be so sure about Faith...'

I sighed a bit in my heart.

My dear friend, the whole point in a relationship is trust. You'll never be able to understand a person. You can only trust, kinda like the religions people believe in. I'm worried for you, because you seem a little too scarred by previous incidents to trust another person completely. I especially asked your trust in me, because I trust you wholeheartedly. I hoped that you would be able to retain your ability to trust in someone, anyone. Otherwise you'd never be able to invite a girl into your home, share your bank account with her, build a family with her, if you don't trust her wholeheartedly.

I'm not asking you to give me the answer I asked for. I'm asking you to ask yourself and answer truthfully,

'Have I lost hope yet?'

It was time for me to go. You led me out to take the elevator.

'Go find yourself a boyfriend!' You said cheerfully.

'I have no plans of that yet.' I replied steadily, as I stepped into the wobbly elevator with no 'close' button.