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The BolanderBooks Christmas Special

Featuring the casts of Amber Silverblood, The Slayer and the Sphinx, Staying Human, and Juryokine

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There was a fire burning in the hearth, a tree glowing in the corner, and the smell of delicious food wafting through the air. Christmas carols were playing on the stereo while the strangest assortment of creatures imaginable milled about the large living room, making polite conversation. While there were a few humans mixed in the crowd, there were far more that were... not. A young woman with glowing yellow wings was conversing with a wolf, and across from them another girl with cat ears and a long black tail hid in the corner.

"So, what've you been up to after your book ended, Toke?" a sphinx asked a dark haired young man.

"Can't tell you. That's classified information."

"Oh, come on. Tell me!" she wheedled him. "Who's gonna know?"

The conversation came to a halt when a new face appeared at the front of the room, pressing the pause button on the music. As one they turned to look, and found a large man with a bushy yellow beard standing before them.

He smiled. "Merry Christmas, everybody!"

"Merry Christmas!" the room full of happy voices chorused back to him.

"I have a few announcements to make," he went on, "First of all, thanks to Mrs. Rasta for preparing the meal."

Everyone cheered, and the banshee floating in the kitchen blushed.

"I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE NOT DEAD!" yelled the sphinx.

"And now," the author said, clapping his hands in anticipation, "for what everyone's been waiting for. Time for the gift exchange!"

Chattering excitedly, the characters all hurried to move the chairs into a circle. There were presents in their hands, their wrapping papers glittering like gems in the firelight. Instead of sitting down with them, the author stood outside the circle, looking in.

"I gave you all the name of the person you were to buy a gift for," he said, bouncing on his heels. "Let's start here," he put his hand on the cat woman's shoulder, "where this all began. Eve, who did you get?"

Eve blushed furiously, hanging her head so her hair covered her face. "I... I got..."

The author smiled and squeezed her shoulder. "Don't be shy. We're all friends here."

"I'm not your friend," growled a gigantic man in the corner.

"Mortoph, please go sit at the bad guy table," the author snapped, giving him a dark look.

Mortoph laughed and stood up, casting a shadow across the entire party. "You can not make me sit at the bad guy table, little man. I hereby claim this Christmas party in the name of the--"

"Bad guy table. Now."

A remote appeared in the author's hand, and he pressed the button. Instantly, a trap door opened beneath the Master Slayer's feet, and he fell through it, screaming in a very un-manly way.

The author cleared his throat. "Sorry about that, guys. Now, Eve, who did you bring a present for?"

Eve looked up shyly, her cat ears twitching, and locked eyes with a little boy sitting at the other end of the circle. "H- him. Tick."

Tick's snow-white head perked up at his name. For a moment Eve looked like she was going to get up and walk over to him, but then she changed her mind and held the package out to him instead. Tick didn't seem to mind, hopping up and snatching it out of her hands before scampering back to his seat.

"Is it a missile launcher?" the little chimera asked as he tore the wrapping paper off. "I bet it's a..."

He wrenched the lid of the box off, and his voice trailed off.

"What is it, Tick?" Porter asked.

Tick pulled out a hairbrush.

"Just what I've... always wanted," he said.

"It's for your tail," Eve said, looking down at her knees again. "I- I have one too, and I know how the fur can get all tangled and matted together. I hope... I hope that helps!"

A surprised silence fell over the room, and everyone turned to see Tick looking at the brush with a new appreciation. Then, casting the box aside, he leaped up again. He crossed the room in a split second, and Eve jumped when he threw his arms around her.

"Thank you!" he said once he'd released her. "It's almost better than a missile launcher!"

The group chuckled as the chimera returned to his seat.

"All right, we're going in clockwise order here," said the author. "Ozzie, you're up next."

"Cool!" the young Asian man exclaimed. "He got to his feet and hefted a long, narrow box into his arms. "This one's for Dex."

"For me?" a blond man gasped from the other side of the room. "Sir, I am honored! "

Ozzie brought the present over to him-- and then dumped it unceremoniously into his lap. While Dex grunted in pain and struggled to keep the heavy box from sliding away, Ozzie dashed back to his seat, cackling wickedly.

"This had better be good, after that," Dex grumbled as he unwrapped the gift. "Oh, look at that! It's a..." His eyebrows went up in surprise. "A twelve pack of lemonade?"

"You're always drinking that stuff," Ozzie explained. "You carry them around those little glass bottles. I figured, why not make the next round on me?"

Dex looked like he was about to protest, but then he thought better of it and sighed. "You couldn't even spring for the hard stuff?"

"Dude, I'm sixteen years old!"

Dex shook his head. "Kids these days are pathetic. Whatever. Thanks, man."

Up next was Ozzie's sister, Misty. You wouldn't have known the two of them were siblings, given that one of them was a human and the other was a wolf. Getting to her paws, she trotted across her circle and dropped her gift at Mrs. Rasta's feet: a dead possum. While the other guests recoiled in horror, Misty merely sat down and wagged her tail.

"I caught it fresh just before getting here!" she said.

"Oh my stars and garters!" the banshee exclaimed. "I haven't had fresh possum in ages!"

Then, right in front of the rest of the party, she snatched the dead animal in her clawlike hands, stuffed it into her mouth, and swallowed it whole. The party goers all groaned again.

"Thank you, dearie!" she said with a bloody smile on her face. "You always knew just how to cheer me up!"

"She's the one who cooked our dinner?" Zashiel.

"Hey, shut up!" Sarah shot back. "Mrs. Rasta's the greatest cook on the planet!"

"Lucky," Eve muttered, looking enviously at the bloodstain the carcass had left on the floor.

"Okay, okay, calm down!" the author said, waving his hands. "Tick, you're up next."

Leaping out of his chair for the third time, Toke picked up his gift. It was lump-shaped with a flat bottom, and there was a sizzling sound coming from under the wrapping paper. It smelled good too, like--

"BACON!" Amber screamed. Before Tick had even gotten halfway to her, she had wrenched the gift out of his hands and tore the paper off. Sure enough, she was greeted by the sight of a heaping plate of bacon.

"Amber, that wasn't very nice," the author chastised her. "You were supposed to let Tick--"

"I DON'T CARE IT'S BACON!" Amber screamed again. Any further arguments were impossible, because she buried her face in the pile of pig meat, devouring it like a dog-- or, more accurately, a wolf.

The author sighed. "Fine. Porter, you're up next."

"This is for Toke," Porter said, standing up and crossing the room to where the other dark haired boy sat. He held out a parcel small enough to fit in one hand. "You're an inventor, right?"

"Yeah," Toke answered, peeling away the wrapping paper. "How did you-- holy smite, a new tool set!"

Porter smiled at Toke's reaction. "I know it's not much, but make something cool with them, okay?"

Toke nodded like a bobblehead. "I will, I promise. Thank you!"

Next up was Sarah. The sphinx muttered the magic words to shift into her human body, and then knelt down to pick up the box at her feet. It was nearly half as big as she was, and Porter had to jump up to steady her when she overbalanced and nearly went toppling over.

"This is for Edgar," she said, lugging the box to the other side of the circle. She set them down in front of the bespectacled wizard with a grunt, and the floor shook with the impact. "I know you like to read, so I picked out a lot of my favorite books from my dad's library. I hope you like them!"

Edgar looked down at the box and then back up at Sarah. "You got me books?"

"Yep!"

"Because I got you books, too," he said.

Popping up, he produced and equally large box from behind his chair, which he set down in front of her with another thud.

"Hey, no going out of order!" Misty snapped from the other side of the room.

"Oh, shut up!" Ed snapped right back at her. "At least I didn't give her a dead animal!"

Misty sprang to her paws. "What did you say, you little punk?"

"Everybody sit down!" the author shouted.

"Did you hear what he--"

"I heard him. Now sit down."

Ed pointed at her. "But she--"

"I had to break the rules of time and space to bring you all together for this gift exchange in so many unholy ways that the world will probably come to an end once we're done here. I'm not going to let this end in a fight. Now both of you sit down and be filled with Christmas spirit!"

"Ooh, you made Dad maaaaad," Ozzie giggled as his sister begrudgingly came and sat down next to him.

"And don't call me that, Ozzie," said the author. "That's creepy. Toke, you're up next."

"This is for you, Ozzie," the inventor said, clasping something secretively in his hand. "I forgot to get anything, but with the tools Porter gave me I was able to..."

He held out his hand, and showed Ozzie what he had made. It only looked like a couple pieces of metal that had been fastened together.

"You made that just now?" Ozzie asked, taking it from him. "I didn't even see you doing it!"

Toke shrugged. "It's what I do."

Ozzie turned the gadget over in his hand. "So, what does it do?"

"Give the top a twist and you'll find out."

Ozzie did as he said, grabbing the top piece of metal and turning it. It moved easily and smoothly in his hand, and when he let go of it...

THBBBBBT!

Ozzie blinked in surprise, and then twisted it again. Thbbbbt! He did it again. Thbbbbt! He started to giggle. Thbbbbt!

"Oh, Lord, what have you done?" Misty groaned.

"It's a fart machine!" Ozzie yelled. Thbbbbt! Thbbbbt! Thbbbbt

The author looked at it over Ozzie's shoulder. "What did you--" Thbbbbt! "--make that out of?"

Behind them, Toke's metal chair fell to pieces.

"Wonderful," the author rolled his eyes. "Oh well. Zashiel, you're--" Thbbbbt!"Ozzie, if you do that one more time I'll throw you out the window!"

Ozzie cackled and made to twist the fart machine again, but the look in the author's eye stopped him.

"We're floating in the middle of an endless void of darkness," he said. "You don't want me to do that."

Ozzie hesitated, and then sat the fart machine down on the floor beneath his chair.

"That's better. Zashiel, you're up next."

The winged girl rose from her seat and picked her gift up. It was wrapped in colorful paper, but that couldn't disguise its long, narrow, pole-like shape.

"This is for Eve," she said.

Eve looked up at Zashiel with wide eyes, as if surprised that she was actually getting a present just like everybody else.

"You fight with a spear, right?" the Sorakine asked.

Eve nodded mutely.

"Then here, I think you'll this."

Zashiel handed her the gift and went to sit down. Eve looked at it for a few seconds, and then hesitantly tore off the wrapping paper to reveal...

"That's the spear wielded by my greatest enemy," Zashiel explained in a solemn voice. "It's made of unbreakable metal, and the tip is energized with jidoryo so it'll shock anyone it touches."

"Wh- what's jidoryo?"

"It's what they call electricity on their planet," the author answered. Then he turned to Zashiel. "But if you're giving this to Eve, then what's the spearman going to fight you with?"

Instead of answering, Zashiel gave him a smug grin. "There's more than one way to save Yasmik."

The author raised his finger to reprimand her, but then let it fall again. "Whatever," he said, shaking his head. "Let's just get this over with."

Amber was up next. Casting aside her now empty plate, her face stained with bacon grease, she picked up her gift and presented it to Porter. Large, rectangular, and flat, Porter cocked his head to the side as he took it from her. Tearing the wrapping paper off, he found himself holding a book.

"Huh," he said. "Looks like we both got books, Sarah."

Sarah leaned over to see. "Ooh, what book is it?"

Porter held it up. "The Big Book of Every Type of Sword Ever," he read. His eyes bugged out of his head. "No freaking way!"

"Oh, no..." Sarah whispered, but it was too late. Porter had already opened the book and was skimming through the pages.

"Whoa, look at that one, Sarah! I want it! "

"Porter, that's a reference book, not a shopping catalogue!"

"Ooh, that one has spikes coming out of it. Can I have that one, Sarah? Oh, and this one. I want that one too!"

While they went at it, the author pointed at the next person in line. "You're up, Dex."

Dex rose lazily from his chair. In one hand he had a half empty can of lemonade, and three more empty cans were littered around his feet. "Well, seeing as how I have experience handling werewolves..." He shot a wink at Amber, "Eh, Sugarsnout?"

Amber crossed her arms. "Shut up, you creep."

Dex chuckled and pulled his gift from the inner pocket of his suit jacket. "This one's for Misty," he said. He stopped when he saw her lack of human hands. "Do you need me to--"

"GIMME MY PRESENT!" she yelled, jumping up and snatching it out of his hands with her teeth. Dex retreated back to his chair, and it only took Misty a few seconds to tear the wrapping paper off her present.

"A collar?" she asked in confusion.

"I thought it'd look good on you," Dex explained, smiling with his eyes half closed. "And look, it's got a nice jingly bell on it, too!"

Misty and Ozzie shared a look. Ozzie shrugged, and then began to fasten the collar onto her. Once it was secure, Misty turned to look at him.

"How do I look?" she asked.

"Okay, I guess."

Misty turned to look at the rest of the party-- and the bell jingled.

"Hmm," she mused. She swung her head around again. Jingle! "I like it!"

Then, without further ado, she began to shake herself like a wet dog. JINGLE JINGLE JINGLE JINGLE!

Amber turned to glare at Dex. "I hate you."

Dex grinned back at her. "I'm just doing my job, Sugarsnout!"

"Okay, Misty, that's enough!" the author tried to say over the incessant ringing.

Misty ignored him, and the jangling continued-- until it was joined by another sound

JINGLE THBBBT JINGLE THBBBT JINGLE THBBBT JINGLE THBBBT JINGLE THBBBT JINGLE THBBBT JINGLE THBBBT JINGLE THBBBT JINGLE THBBBT JINGLE THBBBT JINGLE THBBBT!

"Aaaah!" the author screamed, putting his hands over his ears. "Mrs. Rasta, hurry and give Zashiel her present so we can get this over with!"

"Of course, dearie!"

The banshee's present was small, and she drifted lazily through the air to hand it to the Sorakine girl on the other side of the circle.

"I think you'll find this quite useful, young lady," she said with a smile before flying back to her seat.

"She gives me the creeps," Zashiel whispered.

"At least she didn't get blood on the wrapping paper," Toke whispered back.

"Open it!" Tick demanded, bouncing hyperactively in his chair. "I wanna see what it is!"

Zashiel complied and pulled off the paper, revealing a plastic bottle.

"Siren's Touch Feather Shampoo," she read, holding the bottle closer to her face.

"Your wings are so lovely, dearie," Mrs. Rasta said. "They have the most heavenly yellow glow. If you were take a little better care of them, I'm sure the boys would be falling head over heels for you!" She grinned, baring her pointed teeth. "Rrrrar!"

Zashiel stared long and hard at the banshee. "The boys would fall... oh, skies above, you sound like my mother!"

"I think you should try it," Toke piped up. His cheeks were already a shade pinker. "I mean, you've already got it, and if she thinks it'll make you look nicer then you may as... well..."

Zashiel turned her stone cold eyes on him.

"Not to say that you're not already pretty," he spluttered, his voice getting quieter with every word. His face had turned scarlet with embarrassment now. "Beautiful, even. But I guess if you don't want to, you don't have to..."

Zashiel continued to glare at him for a few seconds, but then sighed. "We'll see," she muttered.

And that was the end of the gift exchange. Everyone took a few minutes to look over their gifts, with many a jingle! and a thbbbbt! to be heard. Tick pulled out his new brush and gave it a few test strokes over his tail while Porter continued to beg Sarah for every single sword he saw in his book. Dex belched contentedly and crushed the seventh of his twelve lemonade cans in his fist. Eve tinkered with her spear, and jumped and nearly dropped it when it came to life with a buzz. Blue sparks flew from the tip, and Edgar hurried to push his box of books out of the way before one fell on it and lit it on fire. Once more, a Christmas-y feeling filled the room, and Mrs. Rasta floated away to fetch everyone a mug of hot cocoa.

"That was fun," Amber said a few minutes later. "We should do this again next year."

"That was almost a disaster," the author corrected her. "Next year we're doing something else."

Amber nodded and settled back in her chair, but then sat up again. "Hold on a second! Nobody gave you a present!"

Everybody froze, turning surprised eyes on their creator.

"That's not okay!" Porter declared, standing up. "We have to give you something!"

Everyone else chorused their agreement, but the author silenced them with a gentle wave of his hand.

"It's all right, guys. I've already got my present."

"You did?" Toke asked. "From who?"

The author turned to face the audience. "From them. They are my present."

"Who?" Misty asked, uncomprehending.

"The watching people reading this. You can't see them, but they're the real reason you're here. The reason we're all here."

The author stepped away from the group, smiling at his readers.

"You know what makes me happy?" he asked. "Knowing that there are people out there who love my books. Boys, girls, men, and women whose faces light up with a smile when they wake up knowing they'll have a brand new chapter to read. The ones who stay up late to read the books I've already finished. The ones who make jokes, predictions, and theories in the comments. What would I be without my readers?" He pointed back at the assortment of characters. "What would they be? Nothing. The answer to both questions is nothing."

He paused for a moment and looked down into his cocoa. "You guys mean more to me than you'll ever know," he finally said. "You're the ones who have kept me from being a sad little man, living by himself without anyone in the world. Without you, I really would be nothing. So, thank you. Thank you, every single one of you. You guys are my world, and you mean the world to me."

A grin rose to his face. "But we're not done yet! I have plenty more adventure to take you on, so you'd better get ready because it's gonna be a wild ride! I have so many things planned, and I can't wait to share them all with you. So I hope you stay tuned when 2017 comes around. You won't regret it! Until then, I'll see you next update day. Thank you all again, and more importantly..."

Adam spread his arms, and Porter, Sarah, Tick, Amber, Dex, Edgar, Ozzie, Misty, Mrs. Rasta, Zashiel, Toke, and Eve came to stand behind him. Together they raised their mugs in a toast and said together in one loud, happy voice,

"MERRY CHRISTMAS!"