end of the line (a tale of depression)
I HAD THE SHITEST DAY EVER AND THOUGHT I'D USE IT TO MY ADVANTAGE SO HERE IT IS THE STORY OF A DEPRESSED TEEN AND HER DARK DEEDS HERE NAME IS LILLY AND SHE IS A 16 YEAR OLD VIXEN, ALSO STARING ARE JAKE AND ALICE ENJOY ALSO IT'S FROM LILLY'S POINT OF VIEW
DISCLAIMER: HOPEFULLY IF I WRITE THIS RIGHT YOU MAY NEED A CLEENEX ENJOY, ALSO BAD LANGUGE I REALLY WAS PISSED OFF
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"Depression, some say it consumes us, I say it makes us stronger, the dark feelings we hold close to our hearts, none of that soppy shit, all this fairy tale romance crap, cruel truth it never happens, the real truth is that no matter what you do death is the outcome, is life worth living?" I remember saying to my therapist, the stupid fat owl, he thinks that he can cure me; bullshit there's nothing wrong with me!
"Ok Lilly, now why did you say that?, is it boy trouble?" if this fucker keeps talking I'm going to knock him out, boy trouble as if, the last time a boy even came near me it was to mock me
"well what do you think then doc?, do you believe it's boy trouble?, or maybe it might be nosy basterd syndrome" his face made me smile, the nosy prick, maybe next time he'll stay out of my business, god I needed a fag, I stood from the chair and walked outside fucking prick, I remember lighting the ciggy, the warm felling in my throat from the smoke, God I needed this bad. That's when it happened, the dirty slag Alice, the queen bee of bimbo slappers, she makes Paris Hilton look like Einstein, she thinks that being cruel is a way of life, oh I can't wait to hear what she says now (note the sarcasm)
"OH...MY...GOD" she said pointing at me and laughing, I simply turnt on my I pod to block her out, the gentle lyrics to I don't believe you by Pink, god how I loved this song, oh joy the ugly slag's combing over, time to go back inside I think, I chipped out my ciggy and went back inside, the ugly tramp followed me, god how much I would give for a knife about now, to end the throbbing sore that she is, no I'll just take it out on myself later, I'll crawl up into my usual place, the underside of my bed, and basically hack my arm to ribbons, cutting and cutting until all my fury is gone, probably about a third of my blood too.
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I got in and turnt on my room light, the pale white walls, I feel like I'm in a nuthouse, the cold caress of my deep darkness, I sat at my desk, I pulled out a pad of paper and a pen, I just started writing, the words finding a way out of me
"NEVER AGAIN WILL I BE TOUMENTED BY ANYONE, THE DARKNESS I LIVE WITH WILL NEVER GO, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BUT I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, THE THERAPY, THE CONSTANT BABYING, THE FAKE SMILES AND LAUGHS, YOU HAVE ONLY EVER HELPED ME IN LIFE, SEEMS YOU WASTED YOUR TIME THEN, BY THE TIME YOU READ THIS I WILL BE DEAD, AND JAKE PLEASE TAKE CARE OF MOM AND DAD
(P.S: NEVER LET THEM CRY FOR ME) the dark words etched onto the paper, I opened a small cabinet and looked inside, the cold steel of the bread knife inside glinted in the sunlight, the all too familiar blade, the constant feeling of deaths embrace, the dark cloud that hazed my mind, god how I wanted it to end, I drew the blade, I placed it against my pale skin, SLICE, the blade cut into my arm, tearing the skin, blood began to seep from the deep cut, the forbidden pleasure of pain, again and again I sliced, the feeling of pain as I continued the taboo dead, the broken life I led, I felt all that begin to lift, the feeling of warm blood dripping down my arm, the dead feeling take over my body, I withdrew the blade and let the red liquid drip onto the paper, signing it with my blood. I sat down in my usual place knowing this would be the last time, the cold feeling of my tears on the cuts, the deep scars from previous times, how many times I tried and failed but not now.
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"Hey Lilly you in here" shit not now, please just go away, but too late, he spied the bloody knife, and the trail left behind, he followed it, finding me under my bed, the soft pillow propping up my limp body, the scarlet embrace, the joy I felt from finally ending my sad existence was over, his voice filled the darkness, his screams for mom and dad, the sound of footsteps and the scream of my mother, I remember praying for death, the one time I reached out for God was at the end. I blacked out.
I remember wakening up three days later in a hospital bed, the clean sheets around me, the smell of disinfectant and the rancid smell of hospital food, I failed again, add one more to your list life, that makes it three-nothing, I remember the feeling of a hand on my arm, the warmth I felt from my brothers mercy, the gentle sight of him asleep at my side, my father asleep in a chair, but nothing of my mother, I reached for something on my table, a plastic knife, just out of my reach, damn it. The shocked gasp of my mother drew my attention, her eyes were filled with tears, in her hands was a coffee cup, silly bitch she probably would drink the hospital dry if she had to, just to stay awake, she awoke my sibling and father, then I was bombarded with questions, like why...no wait that was it, only the deep sound of my fathers voice asking why
"I was sick of life, all the pain and arguments because of me" I left three hours later.
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School was the worst though, the ugly slag had spread around about my mental problem, all day I got mental slag this and crazy bitch that, I nearly slit my wrist again with a cafeteria knife, but it all hit around 5th lesson, Ethics, my teachers had been informed about my little problems and well I was now being watched like a hawk, shame that I was told to stand up in front of everyone and explain something about the mind, god the jeers I got, I'd had enough, I walked over to the front of the class and took a deep breath, I started talking about the problems in this world instead, how some people think it's okay to step on others to get what they want, how it's okay to mock others for their courage, three times I was told to shut the fuck so I did something shocking, I rolled up my sleeve and showed the horrors underneath, the deep red lines across my arms, no sounds as I explained about why I did it, the reasons for my so called mental problem, how every time I feel sad I have to take Prozac, and well to say the least how I have tried three times to take my own life, no one spoke to me for the rest of the lesson, good thing too I felt so shit. Three o clock thank fuck when that came, my brother drove to collect me, he hugged me at the gates, how bad did I feel when that stupid bitch decided to mock me in front of my brother, god did he have murder in his eyes, it took three of us to hold him back, the dark intent I felt said let him go, let her die, but then he would ruin his life for me, and in turn I'd have done it again, so instead he called out to her to come over, she did and well he told her what I wrote in previous letters for death, about how a certain bitch was responsible for making me feel so unwanted, how I never felt love because every time I tried I was shot down for the more pretty girl, how I was mocked for my poetry, she never spoke to me again.
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But now I'm okay I stopped trying to kill myself and well I've got a boyfriend, a nice bloke, sweet and kind, I passed with flying colours and am now at college takeing a poetry course, the feelings I felt two years ago, all the pain and suffering it's gone, I still have weekly therapy session by my choice, so life is good, nothing to feel sorry for, I made some mistakes in life but not anymore.
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SORRY IF I MADE YOU CRY FUCK KNOWS I DID A FEW TIMES STILL ENJOY