Here Be Dragons
Here Be Dragons
Alison Venugoban
I never should have smiled at it. Yes, thinking about it now, that was definitely the wrong thing to do. How often have I been told, never smile at a crocodile? But did I ever bother to ask why not? Well, now I know, for whatever good it does me.
I'd followed the map faithfully, kept to the path, slain the troll at the bridge, avoided the tree growing poisoned apples, did everything, in fact, that a prince who wants to win-the-beautiful-princess-and-live-happily-ever-after is supposed to do. I had to find a dragon, you see. The map had a big black cross inked in one corner, with "Here be Dragons" scrawled in what was supposed to be blood, but I think was really only red ink, underneath.
So you can imagine how excited I was to top the last hill and gaze down at the water below. For here be dragons. The map said so.
But what did I find? No fire-breathing monster, no. No fearsome winged beast. Uh uh.
It was a crocodile. A small one. And it was toothless.
To say I was disappointed was an understatement. But maybe there was a cave somewhere around here where the dragon was lurking. I walked down to the side of the river to search for it, ignoring the crocodile lying on the bank, alert for any wisps of smoke amongst the rocks.
The crocodile watched me clambering over boulders for a moment with interest.
"Lost something?" it queried at last, and I realised that it had another dent in its not-very-fearsome image. For it lisped.
"I'm looking for a dragon," I answered shortly. I was a little impatient, you see, to find and slay the dragon and get home in time for dinner. It's Wednesday today, Macaroni Cheese night at the palace. I'm very fond of Macaroni Cheese.
The crocodile puffed up with pride. "Well, you've come to the right place," it lisped happily.
I turned to it eagerly. "I knew it! The map said, Here there be Dragons. So tell me, whereabouts is it hiding?"
The crocodile looked puzzled. "Hiding? Whereabouts is what hiding?"
"The dragon of course!"
The crocodile gave me a funny look. "I'm not hiding anywhere. It's I. I mean, me."
I stared at it for a moment. "You're pulling my leg."
"I'm not touching you. I'm a dragon."
I walked around it, looking at it from all angles. "You don't look like a dragon," I said at last. "You look like a crocodile."
"Well I'm not a crocodile," the crocodile lisped shortly. "I'm a bona fide dragon. Aren't I green and scaly? Don't I have a long lumpy tail and a hideous snout...?"
"Huh! Where's your wings? Where's your fiery breath? I can't smell so much as a whiff of sulphur! You're no dragon!"
The crocodile looked as if it was about to burst into tears. "I am too a dragon!" it cried, stamping it's foot. "My brothers and sisters were all dragons! I'm a dragon! What would you know about it anyway? Are you some sort of dragon expert?"
"I'm a prince," I said proudly. "Princes know about these things..."
The crocodile gazed at me sulkily. "You're not a prince. It's a well-known fact that fairy-tale princes don't talk. They just go around doing princey things, like saving princesses in distress and killing wicked witches. Have you ever killed a wicked witch?"
"Well, no, not exactly, I mean, not yet...I'm still in training..."
The crocodile stuck its snout in the air. "Huh! Hasn't even killed a wicked witch, and he has the hide to call himself a prince!"
I was getting angry with this crocodile's attitude. "I'm more a prince than you are a dragon," I yelled, losing my temper. "I have a crown, see my crown?"
"I wondered why you were wearing that pathetic bit of tin on your head," the crocodile replied with a sneer.
"I have a cloak, and a sword..."
"Have you got a horse?" the crocodile queried suddenly. "Fairy-tale princes always ride about on horses. It's common knowledge."
That stumped me. I don't have a horse. I'm only the seventh son. My father (the King) doesn't rule a very rich kingdom. My two eldest brothers have horses. But the rest of us have to share a mule. I only get to ride it for one hour twice a week. It's a tough life, being the seventh son of a King.
That's why I need to slay a dragon, you see. If I can impress the princess in the next kingdom, she'll marry me, and her father (another King) is rich. He has lots of horses.
"My horse was sick," I fibbed to the crocodile. "It had a tummy bug this morning and the doctor said it had to stay in its stable and rest..."
"Don't give me that," the crocodile interrupted. "If you were a real prince, you'd have more than one horse. I don't think you're a prince at all. I think you're a peasant who's pretending."
That did it. "I'm going somewhere else to find a dragon," I yelled angrily. "I don't have to stay here and be insulted by you - I've got six older brothers to do that back home." I paused, looking at the crocodile contemptuously. "Maybe when you grow up, you'll become a dragon," I said. And then I made my big mistake. I smiled at it sarcastically.
There was an evil hiss as the crocodile drew in a sharp breath.
"Did you just smile at me?" it lisped, scrambling to its feet.
I stared in amazement. Its legs were longer than I'd thought.
"Are you making fun of me?" it snarled. Its neck seemed to be growing longer; too, its head was weaving about in front of me. Suddenly I could see long, razor-sharp yellow teeth in that huge mouth. The loose scaly skin that I had thought was part of it's back sprang up, and I realised that they were leathery, spiked wings.
"You're really getting on my nerves!" it thundered, thrashing its long tail against the ground. A puff of smoke drifted up from its huge nostrils. In an instant the small, toothless crocodile had turned into an enormous fire-breathing dragon.
I really didn't feel like smiling anymore. But it was too late now...
So here I am just hanging around in the dragon's throat, waiting for it to fall asleep. My crown fell into the dragon's tummy and I watched it dissolve in the green acid bubbling about down there, so I'm not in any hurry to let go of the tonsil I wrapped my arms and legs around.
I've thought a bit about how to get out, and come up with a couple of ideas.
I could cut my way out of the dragon's throat with my sword. Only I don't want to make it any madder than it is already. Anyway, my sword fell into the dragon's tummy and dissolved at the same time as my crown.
So I've decided to escape out through one nostril after it falls asleep. I can see the nostrils, there's daylight coming in through them, and they look easy to reach from here, so long as I hang onto the teeth as I climb.
Only it might take a while for the dragon to fall asleep - he was pretty angry when I saw him last. So it may be very late before I can escape.
And that means I won't get any Macaroni Cheese for dinner tonight...