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Just Living Chapter 4

There Frey stood in the living room of his apartment with a frown on his features. Both paws held onto his cell phone, the screen showing a number which he had dialed in. Right there and then he could simply press upon the screen with one single digit to call, to call the therapist to set up an appointment. On one paw, he could start the road to recovery from his crippling anxiety and depression, on the other paw he could find himself in a world of new concerns and anxiety simply because he had picked the wrong therapist, it would also mean he would have to admit his weakness and work around not only college and a job but therapy as well. With a shaky sigh sat on the arm of his couch, eyes staring down at the phone, his digit hovering over the button to make the call, make the call, it was all he had to do, just press the button and get it over with, but instead of doing that he simply fell back onto the couch with a huff, his arms splayed out, his eyes shut as he simply laid there in defeat. He would have never thought the hardest thing in his life would have been one single phone call meant to help him. He would just have to try again whenever he decided to sit up from his little slump. Suddenly he opened his eyes as he felt a familiar touch on his head. He had been so entranced in the act of calling he had forgotten he had a guest and special friend over. His head turned back to see his friend Lily sitting there with a small worried smile, her paw felt over his head lightly her other paw moving to touch his shoulder lightly, "Need some help making the call there? Y'know I said you could take your time, but you're kind of spacing out."

The nervous feline simply smiled a bit. He had to smile at the very least, or face worrying his good friend. She had stayed with him after his last panic attack and made sure that he had taken himself like a regular person instead of stewing in the self-loathing and depression that had followed the panic. Without her, he would have perhaps been much worse off this morning, and without her, he wouldn't even be considering what he was perhaps about to do. Finally, it came time for him to make a response, his silence forcibly broken by his own will, "I uh. Well, no. I don't want help, but...I'm thankful for the encouragement. Just...I guess make sure I don't forget to eat or something."

Frey winced as he felt Lily give his ear a soft tug, "I would never forget that. 'Sides, I told you that I was here to help and so here I am. Everything in your own time though y'know? If I do it for you, you might not even show up to the appointment, right? You have to be one hundred percent committed to it."

Frey sighed at that and slouched back onto the couch with his eyes shut. Quietly he began talking, allowing his stream of thought to take over, "What if...What if the doctor says I'm broken? What if he can't help me or worse, what if they put me in the nut house? I'm a danger to myself sometimes. How do I even go about saying, hey, I can't function in society like a normal person...Just because I'm a lil' scared."

He curled up on his side on the couch, his tail coiling around one of his legs as he shut his eyes, the phone cradled against his chest, "I don't know if I can do this," he mumbled quietly to the couch.

Lily was there though to give his ear a playful tug, her lips suddenly touching the side of his head. Those sensations brought him a certain warmth that let him know that even in that moment he was alive and still breathing, that his thoughts were only just that. In a way, her presence there brought him back to earth and then her voice came gently to him, "Take your time Frey. Even if you don't call in today, there will always be another day. I don't think they'd be a good doctor if they'd judge you for any of that stuff and I doubt they'll put you in a nut house...You're scared and that's super valid. We can just forget about the call and just sit here for a while watching movies if you want...We both have off of work, so we have the whole day."

Frey sighed and turned onto his stomach, stretching out so his legs were off the couch, his eyes looking up at his transgender rabbit friend, "Lily, why are you being so awesome?"

Lily snorted and giggled her paw coming out to lightly rap him on the face, "The heck? I'm just being a friend. You're sweet enough, you're kind enough and you've definitely given me enough respect, so why shouldn't I help a little?"

Frey turned onto his back, scooting his head closer to her leg as he sighed, "Because I'm such an absolute lost--"

Lily tapped a single digit against his lips and shushed him promptly before speaking her own piece, "None of that. If you're going to be like this, I'll buy you something pretty just to bother you."

Frey blew at her finger and narrowed his eyes. He would rather not be showered with gifts, he would rather not waste the money of a friend like that, and so he simply remained quiet and sighed, bringing the phone back into his vision, "I have the number saved. I have the number right here and waiting for me to press the button. You think they'll ask me a bunch of questions on the phone?"

Lily rubbed at her chin, "Well, maybe. Probably. It is a whole process after all. Remember, we did do our research. You know how much it is gonna cost from this office, you know the doctor's name you want, and you know what you're going to say, so just do it I'd say."

Frey rubbed at his eyes and let his phone rest against his face as he simply laid there, "Easy to say..."

Lily took the phone off of his face, "If you want you can sit on my lap while thinking."

Of course that was a tease and he huffed accordingly. It was silly and a childish offer at that, but he closed his eyes and brought the back of his head atop of her thigh and onto her lap. It was comfortable there against her and it made him feel at least somewhat safe, though, it was embarrassing to admit it. Lily didn't say a word, though, she only stroked through the fur on his head and set the phone gingerly back on his face. With his eyes shut and his paw on his phone that was place on his head, he laid there in the quiet, thinking of all the possibilities. It was strange how calm thinking could be and yet how quickly it could devolve into panic. He needed to think, needed to think at all times of the day and think of every single thing that was going on and that was going to happen. It wasn't right of him to worry himself ragged with that type of thought process and it wasn't enough that he realized that. He wanted to believe he could get better by himself, he wanted to be able to get better by himself, but it had been so long since he had one single normal day without some form of panic or anxiety that he needed it, he needed help.

The admittance brought a tear to his eye, his body shaking as he kept his eyes shut tight as he tried his best to keep himself from bawling. There on his friends lap he began to speak in a shaky voice, "I do need help huh? I can't just...Keep it to myself."

Lily was quiet for a moment, but her touch on his head never faded until her words came softly, "Yeah, you do."

Honest, exactly what he needed. Sitting up and scooting to the edge of the couch he wiped at the tears that had managed to escape and he took a breath. Taking up the phone in paw he stared at it before hitting the button to call. He heard the phone ring, he heard it ring, again and again, he had pressed to have it on speaker phone knowing that he could trust Lily. When he heard the receptionist answer he shut his eyes, his heart fluttering, and he began to make his appointment.

What felt like hours and hours later, he set the phone down, his breath ragged after he had hung up. He laid back on the couch with a flop and put his arm over his head. He had done it, he had set up an appointment for the weekend, he had done it and yet he didn't feel any better about it, in fact, he felt emotionally drained and fairly dead on the inside, like he needed a good nap. In his focus on the task at hand, he had forgotten that his friend was still there with him. Suddenly he heard her call out, "You did it!"

Frey sat back up with a gasp and clutched at his heart, "What?! I! Yes...Yes! I did do it."

Lily wrapped her arms around his shoulders and gave him a gentle squeeze, "What do you want for lunch?"

Frey blinked, "Lunch?"

Lily smiled, "Yup, you spent a bunch of time thinking and then a bunch of time talking. You did great though."

Frey sighed and thought about the question. His head yelled in protest and gave him a painful pang to let him know exactly what his mind thought of food at the moment, "I think...I think I need a nap."

Lily squeezed lightly and placed her head on his chin, "So, how about I call for pizza and you take a nap then?"

Frey nodded and as Lily pulled away to fetch her own cell phone, he laid back. His eyes were shut now and he felt himself slowly drifting to sleep. He had exhausted himself with thinking and making the appointment, and if that was the case, how would he handle actually going to the appointment?