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Leilani enjoys a brunch of raw oysters and crab legs while curled up on the beach. Next to her is an unopened Spiderman comic book in the sand. While she is eating, the author comes down to the beach and notices the comic, a bemused expression on her face.

"Um, Lani? What have you got there, girl?"

The sea otter glances down at the comic book. "Oh, this? I found it earlier while beachcombing for shells. I was waiting to see if anyone would claim it."

"Oh, okay." The author sits down next to her. "I was thinking maybe you were expanding your horizons a bit. Did you look at it?"

Leilani nods. "I did, well, some. It was a bit hard to follow."

"Well, yeah, with most comics you pretty much have to start from the very beginning. In this instance, you'd need the first issue of Spiderman, and good luck finding that around here."

"You have read these before?"

"Spiderman, Thor, Conan, the Avengers. I was mostly a Marvel fan from the start. I thought Marvel did a lot more with character creations and stories. DC was okay for the big guns, like Superman, and Batman and whatever, but Marvel just...let's say they pushed the envelope more."

Leilani picks up the comic book and leafs through it. "I like looking at the art."

"Well, yeah, many artists work their tails off every day to make sure a new issue is out every week sometimes. The writing might not always be there, but you didn't care back then." She looks thoughtful. "I used to have Amazing Spiderman issues."

Leilani ohs? "What was amazing about them?"

"Well, they were just hard to put down."

"Why did you have issues?"

"Why? Because I loved having them, I guess."

Leilani crinkles a brow. "But why? You always tell me to try not to have any issues with anyone, and to be really friendly."

"Oh! No, no, I mean I owned Amazing Spiderman issues. An issue, in this case, is sort of like an episode in an ongoing series, like on TV."

"Oh, I see now." The sea otter looks curious. "And, what was so amazing about them?"

"Oh, because I had some classic ones, like when Peter Parker marries Mary Jane, and when Gwen Stacy is killed by the Green Goblin. Really memorable issues."

Leilani bites her lip. "I guess those would be amazing."

"Well, they're not all amazing. There's plenty of Spiderman alternatives. Spectacular Spiderman, Sensational Spiderman, Superior Spiderman..."

The sea otter smirks. "This man-spider certainly thinks quite a bit of himself. Such an ego."

The author chuckles. "That's just how Marvel names the titles. Although Parker does get a bit giddy when he first learns of his powers."

Leilani nods and sits up. "When does he become a spider?"

"Er, he doesn't. He just has the traits of a spider."

"You mean, he does whatever a spider can?" She frowns as the author starts giggling. "What is so amusing?"

"Nothing, nothing, it's just when you said that, I was reminded of a song." She continues chuckling. "It went, Spider-man, Spider-man, does whatever a spider can."

Leilani blinks. "So he can crawl all over things, and spin a web, and catch and eat flies?"

"Well, yeah, you read the comic, didn't you?"

Leilani leafs the pages again. "I...I did not really see him spinning a web." She looks more curious. "Can he communicate with other spiders?"

"Huh? Um, no he can't."

"So he cannot order other spiders to help him, or to bow to his will, or anything?"

The author stares at her. "Where are you getting that idea?"

Leilani quickly explains, "Well, I just thought if he was like a spider, he would have a large spider army or something."

"He's not like that. He's not that much of a spider, silly otter. Just like he can't change into a real spider."

Leilani laughs softly. "That would be silly. What use would he be then?"

"Well, he could escape from the bad guys easily."

Leilani points out. "Yes, provided they do not see him change into a spider. If they did, they would just squash him with a shoe." The sea otter's eyes widen. "Unless he could turn into a gigantic, huge spider!"

"No, he can't, Lan-"

"But that would be amazing!" Leilani continues excitedly. "A man who could turn into a giant spider and fight evil."

"Okay, for the last time, he can't turn into a spider! He just has spider powers."

Leilani looks disappointed then asks. "How did he become that way?"

"Oh, well, long story short, Peter Parker was a high school kid in the 1960s, and he was bitten by a radioactive spider."

Leilani looks aghast. "Radioactive? What in the world was a radioactive spider doing loose?"

"Um, it wasn't loose. It was in a lab that Peter was working in. I should point out that Peter is a bit of a science nut and very intelligent."

Leilani scoffs. "Apparently not intelligent enough to stay away from a radioactive spider."

The author sighs. "Maybe an experiment or something was going on. I'm really not sure these days. That was a long time ago, sweetie."

Leilani nods. "Well, it would make sense. If teenage boys were allowed to work with radioactive spiders back in those days, it would explain the current children's invincibility attitudes in this era."

"I suppose it could, yeah. So anyway, he gains the powers of that spider."

"Did he get cancer?"

The author blinks. "I...um, no. He never did."

Leilani folds her arms. "I would think if you were bitten by a radioactive spider, you could."

"Well, comics are like that, Lani. They come up with really wacky ways for people to get powers and not have cancer. So anyway, he fights crime using these powers."

Leilani glances at the comic again. "In a ridiculous spider outfit."

"Well, yeah."

"If I were fighting crime, I would not have a costume that alerted my foes I was fighting crime."

"Honey-otter, if you were fighting crime, no evil villain would dare resist you, you temptress." She grins and rubs the otter's head affectionately.

Leilani blushes some. "So he is a man, who acts and dresses like a spider. So, why is he a spider man?"

"Well, that's just his title he gave himself. The Amazing Spiderman."

"Seems a bit too obvious a name to give one's self."

"Well, granted, yeah."

"I mean, if he was a man who has spider powers, then dresses up like a spider, would he not be Spiderman Spider?"

"Isn't that redundant? What super villain is going to see him and say, 'Curses, it's Spiderman Spider!'?"

Leilani shrugs. "I suppose. Why should the villain actually say anything at all? I noticed the glaring exposition in many of these pages."

The author laughs. "You mean, like on this page, where someone is saying, 'Oh no, a train's coming!' and you can clearly see a train roaring along the tracks?"

Leilani nods. "Exactly. Why should I be told that which I can already see?"

"It's just the comics' way, sweetheart."

"And the way the villains always seem to have something to say, and conveniently lay out their plans for some kind of nefarious scheme beforehand, like it is important for Spiderman to know this somehow? Why would a villain waste a lot of time telling Spiderman what his plan is, if he is supposed to die anyway?"

The author struggles to keep from giggling. "Again, dear, it's the comics."

Leilani turns up her nose. "I do not think I like comics. If I were a super villain, before I put any plans for conquest into action, I would scope out my enemies and eradicate them first. That way, nothing stops me."

"And if you were Spiderman?"

Leilani hmms and looks thoughtful. "I would have a spider army."

"I just told you-"

"I mean, build a spider army. If I am highly intelligent as this Perker person is-"

"Parker. Peter Parker."

"Yes, well, I would build a great legion of robot spiders to do my bidding."

The author laughs. "You're in high school!? Where do you get funding to do that?!"

Leilani frowns. "Oh." She sighs sadly. "Supervillains and superheroes must make a lot of money then."

"A lot do, of course."

"Then why would they have need for world domination? Why not buy a tranquil island paradise like mine and bask in the sun, swim in the sea, and have joyful, peaceful days?"

"Lani, I don't think any supervillain on Earth has ever felt that way. Most of them seek revenge on some entity or organization. And the world sadly gets in the path. They're blinded by their own rage and don't stop to think of consequences." She pets the otter's arm.

"Does he keep a spider as a pet?"

"I...no, he doesn't. He doesn't have a pet spider."

"Oh. Does he defend other spiders?"

The author looks blank. "Huh...?"

Leilani waves a paw. "You know, like if I saw a banana spider in a tree and I was about to smack it with a coconut, would he come and stop me?"

"Honey, no. He doesn't work that way. No spider is protected by Spiderman."

Leilani frowns again. "Well, I think that is wrong. If a spider gave him his gifts, you would think he would do more to save spiders. Or give to spider charities."

The author deadpans. "Like...the Legion of Tarantulas or something?"

"Exactly."

"Okay, first, there's no such thing as a spider charity, to my knowledge. Secondly, it's wrong to assume Spiderman owes spiders any kind of living. I mean, what do you think spiders do?!"

"Well, for the most part they build webs, eat flies, and lay eggs...?"

"Right, and can you imagine any other creature on Earth that can do this?"

Leilani brightens. "If a female were bitten by a radioactive spider and became Spiderwoman, could she lay eggs?"

Um....n-no...just no..."

"But what if Spiderman and Spiderwoman meet and have sex?"

"Honey, she wouldn't lay eggs, she'd just give birth like all mammals."

Leilani huffs. "This is so puzzling. You say they gain many spider gifts then say there are many things they cannot do that spiders do. I think your song is very wrong. It should say, 'Spider-man, Spider-man, does some things a spider can.'"

The author frowns. "You can't say that! If you say that, the meaning of Spiderman gets lost entirely! People would ask, 'Okay, so what CAN Spiderman do?!'. Then you have to name alllll the things Parker can do, and alllll the things he can't do."

"Well, it seems clear to me there are a lot of things he cannot do, and just a few things he can do. Can he spin a web?"

"Yes, with the help of webbing fluid he concocted that hardens upon release." She sees Leilani starting to giggle and swats her leg. "Behave."

Leilani smiles. "So he cannot spin a web."

"Well, he's male, first off. Only females produce silk. So no."

"He can crawl over walls and things?"

"Yes, that he can do. He also has a spider sense."

Leilani looks blank. "Spider sense?"

"Right. Look at this page. See how Spiderman knew someone was about to swing a sign atop his head, and he ducked?"

"So he is clairvoyant?"

"Where in the hell did you learn that word?"

The sea otter points to her laptop nearby. "Psychic stuff."

"Oh. Well, no he's not. He only really knows when something bad is about to happen."

"So he cannot predict the future or anything."

"Um, no."

"Oh." Leilani curls back up again. "So...he has sense, and he crawls on things. And that is it?"

"Well, he's super strong like a spider."

Leilani chuckles. "Spiders are not strong. If they were, they would survive a pummeling of a coconut."

"Spiders are strong in other ways, dear. Jumping, running, climbing."

"Mmm-hmm, so he is strong, has spider sense, and crawls around all the time."

The author sighs. "Basically, yes."

"I think it is wrong to call him Spiderman. If all he really does that is considered spider-like is crawling around all the time, they gave him a poor name."

"But he was bitten by a SPIDER! Ergo, the Spiderman."

Leilani huffs. "Still, if all he does is crawl, you may as well call him something like...hmm...Night Crawler."

The author giggles. "It's been done."

"Oh." She puts the comic aside for now and stretches out to sun herself. "I am going to rest for a bit."

"Alright." The author picks it up. "Mind if I look through this one?"

Leilani looks up. "No. I guess no one is coming to claim it. You may keep it if you like."

"Thanks, Lani." She kisses the otter's cheek and gets up, heading back up the beach.

The sea otter shakes her head and sighs. "Spiderman. Bah. I still like Night Crawler better."

END