FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

A swirl of shadow brought Frey shivering as he realized he was alone in an ocean of stark nothingness. Black surrounded him no matter where he looked, and what he noticed even more than the bleak darkness, was the fact that he was entirely and utterly alone. For a moment it seemed like there was nothing there, not even the whisper of his own heartbeat, but then he heard a voice, and another, and another, recounting every single flaw, every single doubt sounding out, echoing within the darkness far too many times for him to handle. His own mind turning against him, his friends his family all calling out his name for what a fool he truly was! Macabre visages of woman being hung, of himself being hung began to sprout out from the shadow like ichor he stood in, and as he screamed there was no sound, he could only feel himself begin torn and pulled into the ichor by his doubt, by his self-loathing and errant thoughts, and as it seemed to grow to a peak of screaming with nails on glass, he found himself alive, and not so well, sitting up on his bed without a shirt in a cold sweat, his eyes wide, his mind still reeling with a million and one thoughts traveling through his mind. His stomach churned, his head hurt, and he found himself entirely unable to move. Frey's morning had begun with panic, and he wasn't sure if he could do anything today without this feeling pressing down upon him. The pressure was too much, his body was shaking, his vision was blurred, and he swore some of his nightmares were still there in the corners of his bedroom. The sound of his alarm woke him from his sudden trance, his eyes wide as he looked towards it, his ears drawn back, his heart racing. With shaky digits he leaned in close to grab at the alarm, gripping upon it and groping to shut it off. Even though the sound of the alarm was gone, a loud ringing sounded off in his ears, there was nothing to do for it, he'd just have to go about his day.

Trying to slip out of his bed he felt his legs wobble, his arms tremble as he tried his hardest to steady himself against the nightstand near his bed. He nearly fell as he planted his feet upon the floor, his vision blurred as he took to breathing, in and out, in and out, but it didn't seem to help, still those thoughts rang out through his head, that nightmare playing again and again, but it soon faded to something far worse; what his mind considered reality.

Finally able to stand he trembled and shuddered, his eyes shutting as he tried to ignore the sudden onslaught of thoughts invading his mind. His paws found his phone and he began playing music, his digits sliding upon the surface to raise the volume loud enough to vibrate the phone just a bit. Even with the thrum of the music making his ears twitch, Frey's mind still wandered and those thoughts crept closer; self-loathing, doubt and so much more taking hold of him in real life. He couldn't allow it, he needed to work, and then with wide eyes he realized that he had a meeting with Lily today. Biting at his lower lip he tasted blood, not realizing how hard he had clamped down upon his lower lip. He would never be able to face Lily like this, never be able to face a single customer or even see his boss like this. Usually his boss would let him hide in the back messing with inventory or something, but he had done that so many times, and he would become a burden, a burden, that was all he was, and that thought repeated itself within his mind again and again, a burden, a burden, a burden, that was all he was.

Shaking and shivering he managed at least to remember that he needed to work, needed to leave, or at the very least call in sick, he would never be able to work like this, or at the very least never be able to function properly. His boss understood, his boss was always nice; he had to remind himself of this, because in Frey's distorted thoughts he saw his boss as a sort of creature of malice and anger that loathed the feline for being so weak. Gnashing his fangs and biting at his lower lip he turned the music off that wasn't helping upon his phone, his digits nervously switching to his contacts to call his work before he suddenly paused. Would they even accept such an excuse? Again he had to remind himself that this had happened before, that his boss had been kind and understanding, and so with some force he pressed down upon the screen and set it to speaker so he wouldn't have to put it too near him to speak. Sitting upon the bed he shook and shivered still while the ringing began, he could hear it, hear his boss's voice so angry with him that he dared to call out for help, and yet when he was woken from his thoughts he heard his boss's voice concerned call out for perhaps the third time, "Frey? You there? You alright kid? Phone on the fritz?"

Frey cleared his throat and answered in a bit of a rasp, his throat raw for some reason, "I'm fine...I mean, no, I. I don't really know, I just..." For one moment he paused to gather his words, to gather his thoughts properly in the midst of that mental storm and he spoke aloud, "Panic, just, I need the day off, just sick leave or take it off my pay, I'm sorry sir."

Frey's boss spoke calmly, collected and without hatred, but still Frey's mind put the anger there, "It's all right kid. Take it easy. Rest the day, but make sure to eat all right...You do good work when you're here."

And that was it. Their phone call had ended. That was it. Nothing more, nothing less, and yet still the storm in his mind raged without an end. He sat there upon his bed feeling ill, with nothing at all to do. There was nothing to do with his day now that he had work taken care of, but he still had his date with Lily, but as he looked to his phone he felt tears well up, he couldn't disappoint a new friend like that, what would he even say, and so began another train of thought, a crash and careening train blazed a path through his body and rocked his very core. He couldn't afford to sit still, to let his thoughts take over, but today it was too difficult, he had started in a frenzied state of sorts without the ability to tell left or right from how hard his panic had just hit him while he woke up. Sitting upon the bed he stared at the phone, knowing what he needed to do. He would at least need to call Lily to tell her that he wasn't able to show up, tell her that something was wrong, or at least even a text, be honest, be truthful, but his mind wouldn't let his digits budge, his body was frozen there in time and thought. There he stared at his phone upon the bed, there he sat without a doubt not able to call his friend and tell her the truth of the situation, he just didn't want to be a burden so soon, and that was all he would be, a burden.

Minutes of him staring at the phone past, minutes turning into hours and hours upon hours that seemed to pass by in mere seconds to Frey. His body felt numb, his eyes felt heavy, but on he continued staring at the phone. He wondered what he should say to Lily, how he should say it, and what type of excuse he would come up with for being so flawed, for being so broken. Broken, that word echoed through his mind as the self-loathing took over for a moment, the screaming fears taking a back seat to the self-hatred that shook at his body. He felt like retching, but nothing happened, partially because he hadn't eaten, he hadn't showered, he hadn't done anything that day. Suddenly his phone vibrated and he jumped, dropping his phone on the floor, eyes wincing as he suddenly felt his head pounding, the pain keeping those thoughts away long enough for him to notice that the sun was no longer shining through his window, that his room was entirely dark except for the glow of his phone.

Blinking he leaned down to pick up his phone and he saw there suddenly that he had several texts to answer, several, several, and far too many to even count at the moment. His stomach then protested as he recounted the fact that he hadn't gone out to lunch with Lily, guilt and shame building up, but before they had the chance to seize upon his mind, his phone blared out with a resonating ringtone that had him jumping again, fumbling for his phone to answer it blindly, bringing it up to his ear to answer in a rasp, his throat dry, "Uh hello?"

"Frey? Frey are you okay? I've been knocking at your door for a bit, your neighbors say you haven't been out all day." The voice trembling on the other end was Lily. She had been worried about him, she almost sounded like she had been crying and then it hit him, she was out there right now waiting for him to open the door.

Trying to wet his lips with something other than dried blood he spoke with a sigh, "I um...I'm fine. I just, panicked, bad."

He half expected her to hang up, to just leave him there with his thoughts, but instead her voice came in soft and concerned, "Do you want to talk?"

Frey shut his eyes and did his best to ignore his thoughts as he nodded while speaking, "Yeah, I'd...I'd like that. Just give me a minute to I'unno, wash my face and get a shirt on."

Almost immediately her voice replied, "Don't hang up on me. Keep me on speaker phone if you have to."

Frey complied with a small sad smile. His paw clutching the phone as he got up to brush his teeth, to wash the blood off of his lips, cold biting water splashing at his face to wake him up from the emotional turmoil his own mind had put him through. Lily on the other end of the phone seemed calm enough, or at the very least she didn't say anything. He didn't want to make her wait for too much longer, and so he just grabbed on a shirt and made his way to the front door, flicking on lights through the darkness and when he arrived he opened the door to see Lily standing there looking at him with wide eyes. Did he look that terrible? She crashed into him suddenly and squeezed tight around his shoulders, an embrace that reminded him that there were people who cared about him, an embrace that had tears streaming down his cheeks. He had been so afraid, so scared, and so numb when it was too much to handle.

With their embrace complete Lily was the first to take his paw and bring him inside the home, his free paw trailing back to shut his door. Inside there was a flurry of words and worry coming from Lily, he could barely make sense of what she was saying, but as they got to the kitchen he heard her ask very meekly, "Have you even eaten at all today Frey?"

Frey blinked, paw coming up to feel over his own cheek, his shoulders sinking a bit, "I...No I haven't."

For a moment it seemed like Lily would cry, but instead she began rifling through his pantry, through his fridge while muttering to herself, "Well, if you needed a cook, why didn't you just say so."

Frey smiled just a bit at the jest, a bit concerned about the tears he had nearly seen, but Lily suddenly paused, her words coming out with a dragging sigh, "...Frey, have you thought about getting help?"

Frey's smile vanished, his eyes wide. Those words were the last things he needed to hear, but before he could say a single word against it, Lily continued on, "Therapy Frey...Nothing big, we can look up therapists together even if you're too nervous, heck, I'll even spot you some cash," Again he tried to say something, but Lily's words were quicker, almost like a whip, "How many times does this happen?"

Frey shut his eyes and looked away from her, "About once a month, give or take more."

Lily arm's were suddenly around him, "Why are you waiting then?" She whispered, her voice trembling.

Frey shuddered as he replied, "I'm just scared...My parents always used to tell me about nuts who got put in strait jackets, kids who got put on pills and their minds were just gone. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to rely on pills, I don't want to have my head scrambled, I don't want to be put away. I'm just so scared even if I know that isn't true anymore, even if I know I need it, I don't want to say that I do, because it means that I am weak, it means that I can't do anything myself." By this time Frey's words were interrupted by hiccups and sobs.

Lily's hold tightened upon him as she held tight upon him and spoke in a shaky voice, "Nooo no no no Frey, you're not weak...You're strong, you're so strong for even trying to live like this, for knowing that you need help, and you'll be stronger for admitting it...Come on Frey, promise me, promise me that you'll let me help, that you'll go to a therapist or at least try to look for one." Frey at this point could only choke on words, and so he nodded, eyes shut tight, his chin resting on her shoulder.

That night they ordered out. Lily taking charge of the situation, to make sure he ate, to make sure he was all right, and to keep him distracted and at least chuckling a little. Frey had cried so much that night, he had let so much known that he would never have discussed with so many of his other friends that were used to him hiding in his apartment and not coming out. Maybe Lily was too pushy, too worried, but that night she had opened his eyes to the truth. He needed help, and he couldn't fix himself without that help. It was a bittersweet thought, but it was a start.