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'Do you ever think about the past...?' Ceylan asked me one evening, when were both sitting on the balcony with our feet up against the railing, watching the sunset over the city...

'Sometimes... I'll try not to... Do you...?'

'Same...'

'So what about the future...?' I asked her... She took a sip from her coffee and had this confident smile on her face when she looked back at me. 'Nope... I'll just live every day like it's my last and not worry about the next, because today has its own worries.'

'Yeah but, don't you ever think about how you'll end up in ten years, or even twenty years, or maybe even in thirty years?'

'Of course I do.'

'Really?'

'Yeah. I know I'll be old... I might have a kid. Maybe even two... I might even be married even though I can't really imagine me having a kid and be married...'

'But what if the things you want to do are never to be realized?'

'How would you know?'

'Well...'

'How do you know that it's not gonna be realized in thirty years?'

'Heh...'

'Exactly... Maybe it doesn't go the way I planned. Maybe there are lots of things that are not gonna be realized in 30 years. Hell, maybe I'm dead in thirty years. But I know that at least one thing will be realized.'

'Which is...?'

'I don't know. That's the point. Maybe I'm way different in thirty years and live my life completely different and have different ambitions and desires. I bet you never thought you would end up like this with me on the balcony talking about the future. I guess that indicates how much you changed over the years...'

Then she looked at me and smiled while I knew she was right... 'Yeah... I never imagined that...' I closed my eyes and sighed, and took a sip from my coffee. I noticed it was already cold, so I got myself a new one... As soon as I got back, I took some sips of it. I stirred and stirred and the whirlpool that was caused by the stirring caught my attention... I kept staring at it for a while until it stopped. I took another sip and sighed again... Ever since we got together again, I kept thinking about Terry... About us... And what the future might hold in store for us... 'Did you...' I asked quietly but didn't finish the question...

'Hm...?'

'Did you spend time with Terry ever since we're back together...?'

'No... Well, I did but... Just as friends...'

'Oh...'

'Did you...?'

'No...'

'I see...'

'I'm still not very comfortable with the idea...'

'But Terry knows about it...'

'I know that but... It's just really strange...'

'What is...?'

'Well... You were his girlfriend back then... I was one of his best friends... You still love him, I still love him... He still loves us despite what we did to him... You want him back, he wants you back... And well... I... I get the feeling as I'm stuck in the middle again...'

'But you're not...'

'Yeah but just take a look at the things that happened in the past before everything got settled straight again... I don't want that to happen ever again...'

'Would it make you feel better if we talked to Terry about this...?'

'We already did...'

'No, I mean together, with just the three of us.'

'I guess... I just don't want to jeopardize our relationship and my friendship with Terry... And a three-way relationship makes it sound as if that would ruin a close friendship.'

'Hehe... There's a difference between a sexual relationship and a polyamory relationship, dushi...'

'A what...?'

'Well, like it says, a sexual relationship is mostly about having sex with different partners... What we have right now is a monogamy relationship and what we want is a polyamorous relationship with Terry...'

'Poly whattus...?'

'Yeah... Like... You and I feel attracted to each other... We feel attracted to each other in many different ways... I love you as a friend, but I also love you as my lover... We share intimacy and passion together... But we're also sexually attracted towards each other...'

'Definitely... Hehe...'

'But that doesn't mean we're having sex all the time, dushi... These feelings we have for each other are the same feelings we have for Terry... You think we're using him, and that's what's bothering you. It's not like that, and you know it all too well that it's not what we're intending to do... This is what I want, Nic... To be with the two of you... I want to share these feelings with you and Terry... And Terry wants to share these feelings with you... I know you want it... And there's nothing wrong with it...'

'Heh...'

'But it does require making sacrifices for us in order to make it work... I need to share him with you... You need to share him with me... And he needs to share us... And I know what you think but there's no need for you to feel jealous or feeling left out... I'll always be honest to you and Terry, and I'll always be with you, dushi... I just hope you'd do the same for me...'

'You know I'd do anything for you...'

'I know you do...'

'Does that mean that... You'd do this with other people too...?'

'No...'

'What about... Sleeping with different people...?'

'Just us... It just happens... It's unpredictable, you can't foresee it...'

'I know...'

'Then trust me when I say that this can work out for us, dushi...'

'I trust you...'

Ceylan gave me a firm cuddle and gently pressed her lips against mine... But it felt so different... 'You okay, Nic...?'

'Yeah, I'm fine...'

'Is this really what you want...?'

'I think so...'

'We'll be fine... As long as we stick together, we'll be fine...'

'I know...'

It stayed silent for a while as I took sips from my coffee... At some point, I just looked at her and smiled... 'What about polypeptide relationships...?'

'Polypeptide is a molecule that forms the linking of amino acids...'

'Oh, I always thought it was some kind of toothpaste...'

'Hehehehe...'

'Where'd you get that from anyway?'

'What do you mean?'

'Poly thingy relationships...'

'Wikipedia...' she said, while she took a sip from her coffee and had that confident smile again...

And after that, she got up and winked at me as I watched how she went inside... I kept staring at her and saw how her butt wiggled as she walked... She took her jeans and top off in the living room, and when she neared the bathroom, she took her bra off... Then she looked at me again and smiled, as she disappeared in the bathroom... Moments later, I saw her arm sticking out of the door, and showed me her thong... That was my queue... So I got up and walked inside the bathroom... Hehehe...

So... Everything was clear to me. I knew what I wanted... I knew what Ceylan wanted... We knew it would work out. But was it something that Terry wanted...? To have a commitment towards two lovers...? I wouldn't know. Terry changed a lot over the years... Back when he was fucking girls around, he wouldn't have a problem with this. But he changed so much... So we first had to talk to him... And to find out if this is what he wants too...

So the next Friday, the three of us went to the movies. Well, I can honestly say that it was a lot of fun and we went to a pub afterwards for a drink and just to talk. Terry wasn't aware of what Ceylan and I agreed to, and what we really wanted. And all this time, he's been so happy that we were with him that night... So... When it was time for us to go, we went to my place... And we'd finally tell him...

The moment I closed the door and watched how Terry and Ceylan were making their way to the living-room was something that felt a bit... Strange... The mood was very, very relaxed, and I wasn't feeling nervous for one reason or another. So I got us something to drink, and once I made my way to the living-room, I noticed that Ceylan was holding on to Terry's hand... She looked at me for a moment and I knew what she was thinking... Ceylan looked at me with an innocent smile and I nodded slowly while I bit my upper lip... 'Terry...?' Ceylan asked quietly... 'Yeah?'

'There's something Nikki and I would like you to know...'

'Want me to know what?'

'I want you to realize that Nikki and I care a lot for you... You've done so much for us... And now it's time for us to do something back... So... Whatever it is you want, we'll give you that. In any way imaginable... But you have to realize that... If you want to be with us and be part of what we're doing and what we are, you'll have to share me with Nikki. And I'll have to share you with Nikki. And Nikki needs to share us...

'I know...'

Then I sat next to Terry and took his hand as well... He looked at me a bit baffled to say the least but... There was something in his eyes that gave away that he was a bit nervous... So I gently caressed the back of his hand with my thumb to let him its ok... 'We did a lot of thinking. And we can make this happen if we stick together like we always did. I admit that it hasn't been easy for us in the past but... It's not like that anymore. No more secrets for each other. But Ceylan and I won't hold it against you if you find someone else. And we understand if you don't want to. But... We still love you... Despite of what happened... It doesn't matter anymore. I love you... I really do... I know you feel the same about Ceylan... I just hope you want to give in to those feelings. But no matter what you're decision will be, we'll always be here for you... In any way imaginable...'

Terry just looked at us for a short moment while his ears were twitching... Ceylan and I looked at each other and just smiled when we saw his expression... And after a moment, Terry looked at us again and we cuddled him... I guess he really didn't know what to do or to say... 'What do you feel at the moment...?' Ceylan asked him quietly... 'I don't really know. It's just... I don't know...'

'But it feels good, doesn't it...?' I asked him with a smile... 'Yeah... It does... It feels as if a burden comes down from my shoulders.'

'What burden...?'

'Feeling guilty towards you, and sleeping with Nikki and well... Normally, any other girl would be trippin' if this happened to her... You two are the strangest girls I've ever met... But I can honestly say that I'm glad I did... I wouldn't know what I'd do without you guys...'

'Hehe...'

For the rest of the evening, the three of us were talking. Trying to understand each other... But for me, it wasn't so difficult to understand. Because you see, Terry and Ceylan are exactly like me... All they want is someone to hold on to, someone who truly understands and knows them... But maybe they had difficulty trying to understand me. I never was an open book to anyone, if you know what I mean... But that evening, it felt as if they opened it up... And found the right page... I told Terry many times what it was that I was looking for. He said that he understands, but I had the feeling that he didn't know what I was talking about. But Terry changed... And now he finally understands... We take things easy... It'll come...

That night, while Ceylan and I were in bed, we talked... That's all we did... Talking... And there was something different about her. She kept telling me of how much she loves me and that I make her so happy. But she already knows that I'd do anything for her, like I once told her. She never let go of me that night. I felt her arms clenched around me, and her soft, warm body was pressed against mine while I felt a cold breeze coming from the open window... Gently licking the back of my neck and kept whispering my name... Rubbing her muzzle against my face... Gently biting my neck-scruff... Smelling her scent... I already started to doze off to a relaxing sleep... It was her gentle caressing over my entire body that did it... I felt how her hands drifted off to my butt... And slowly made their way to my inner thighs... And at some point, I felt how her hand went in my panties and gently caressed my vagina... But she fell asleep not longer after that, and the caressing stopped. Than it didn't take long before, I too, fell asleep peacefully with a little smile on my face...

Holidays... What does it mean nowadays...? People are always happy when Christmas is coming up. You see it everywhere, on the street, on the faces of people, acting happy and pretend to care about others... Kinda hypocrite if you ask me... As if it's an excuse to care about others for just two days... What about the other 363 days of the year...? Does that give anyone a reason not to care for the rest of the year...? Pfff... Same as Valentines Day... Just one day a year to let someone know you love him or her... As if the other 364 days don't matter... Commercialized hype, I'd say...

It's not that I hold a grudge against holidays... No, of course not... In fact, I love seeing people happy... To see someone giving money to someone else who doesn't have much... But it also got me wondering if that same person would donate even when it's not Christmas... Would he or she ignore the desperate cry of someone who lives in poverty...? To just walk away and pretend not to hear it...? I wouldn't know...

Christmas used to mean something for me. But now... I don't really see why I should care... When Cody was still around, we used to celebrate Christmas with his friends. And at times like that, I often wondered if my mum and dad ever missed us. I guess they didn't. Cody hasn't been here in years... And when Christmas arrived, I did what I always did for the past few years... Wait until it's over...

Meagan always celebrated Christmas with her own family in San Mantégua. Terry celebrated with his own relatives... And so did Ceylan. I always told them I went to see my family... It wasn't any different this year when they asked me what I was going to do this Christmas. So I gave the same answer I always gave. Meagan never came home during those holidays, seeing as San Mantégua is a two day drive from here, and she stayed there for two weeks, celebrating Christmas and New Years Eve with her family, so she never found out I was alone during those holidays. It's something I didn't want her to find out. And well, Ceylan didn't live with me last year, so she never knew either...

On Christmas Day, Ceylan got her things and went to her family at her parents place at around one pm. I just sat on the couch watching Christmas movies all day with nice hot cups of chocolate... And the hours were slowly passing by... Evening fell... I couldn't sleep... I wasn't feeling tired. So at some point, I sat down in the window sill, and stared outside the window at Ravellogate Square... A huge Christmas tree was decorated in the middle of the square and there was no one on the street... You could see people through the windows of their houses having a good time... I leaned my head against the window frame and curled myself up on the window sill, staring outside the window in blank space while there wasn't a thought running through my mind. As the hours were passing by, I felt how my eyelids were getting heavier... And at some point, I fell asleep like that...

I woke up slowly... Feeling that someone was gently nudging me... The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was the Christmas tree on the square... But the nudging didn't stop... When I turned my head, I noticed it was Ceylan... 'Nikki... Nic, wake up...'

'Mwhuh...? Oh hey...'

'You're gonna catch a cold like that... Come on...'

'What time is it...?'

'Four AM...'

Ceylan picked me up and carried me like a baby to my bedroom while I was very sleepy... I kept on yawning and rubbing my eyes, and the moment she placed me on my bed, she tugged me under the warm blankets... I turned over on my side while Ceylan got ready for bed, and then she got next to me... I was waking up slowly... And I couldn't sleep anymore... I kept staring at my wallet on the night stand... Seeing Cody's passport picture... Ceylan turned on her side, and held me close while she whispered in my ear... 'You didn't go to relatives, did you...?'

'No...'

'Why not...?'

'I haven't seen them for more then 15 years, Ceylan...'

'Why not...?'

Silence... I didn't tell her what happened... Not just yet... I never had a fight with my relatives... I can't remember them... I don't know where they are, or who they are... I often wondered if they really cared for me... They treated Cody way different than me... I always felt that I was different for some reason or another. People who were close to me treated me different than Cody and I didn't know why... But maybe those questions were best to left unanswered... Cody was the only one I could rely on, knowing he'd do anything for his little sister... But Cody's not here... And I missed him... Now more then ever...

'Who's the handsome guy...?'

'Hm...?'

'Who's the handsome guy in your wallet...?'

'M-My brother...'

'You have a brother...?'

'Yeah...'

'I never knew you had a brother... Where is he...?'

'I wish I knew...'

That night, I told Ceylan everything about Cody and me... What he meant to me as my brother... But I deliberately left things out... I'd tell her everything when the time is right... What really happened back then... What it did to me, and what it made me feel... But I guess it doesn't really matter anymore... Things go the way they are, you know... It's as simple as that... Even now, years later, I still have difficulty to accept that... But I have to, in order to move on... And I think it was that night, I managed to close down another chapter of my life... Ceylan helped me with that and even though it was a rather incomplete chapter, I still couldn't let Cody go... To accept that he's not here anymore... But wherever he is, I hope he feels better then I did that night...

Breaking a habit is difficult when you live with it for so many years. Ceylan told me her family was getting together again on Boxing Day and she insisted that I should come with her to meet her relatives... I didn't want to, but I never said that to her. So I went along and I was very nervous when I did. Only her parents know that we have a relationship, but the rest of her family didn't. We didn't come out for our relationship that night... Her parents didn't say anything about our relationship to the rest of the family, and Ceylan just said that I'm a friend who was spending the holidays alone. That's how I got to know her family... The same happened on New Years Eve... They were all felines, and I fell out of place for being the only non-feline... Hehehe... Ceylan fell out of place too as the only tigress... She's bigger than most of her relatives, and to see her spending time with her family... Ceylan has a lot of little cousins and to see her spending time with them... It's heart-warming to see Ceylan hold on to her little cousin and play with her... Even though Ceylan fell out of place, everyone accepted her for who she is... I just wished I had the same... But her relatives are very nice... And for the first time in my life, it felt that I was being accepted... For who and what I am... To be part of a caring family... We'll tell her relatives about our relationship when the time is right... But I just didn't know how to thank Ceylan for giving me something so precious...

I owe a lot to Ceylan... She fulfilled my needs and desires and did a lot more than that... She made it all possible for me to experience... If she wasn't there, I wouldn't have changed... Ceylan opened my eyes... Made me see things I couldn't have if it wasn't for her... And I'm grateful for that... Because Ceylan is not only my best friend... Not just my lover... She's more than that... She's my mother... My sister... My soul mate, if you will... She's like me... And even though I don't know you, I know that deep down inside, you can relate to her in many ways... You just need to look... It's there somewhere, deep down inside you're own heart... Everyone has it... So in some way, she's like you... She's the voice of reason...