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The next Tuesday, I was preparing myself to see Josephine again. Made sure I had my sheet of paper with me. Luckily, college wasn't starting in a few hours, so I could do whatever I wanted every Tuesday morning. Those mornings used to be a perfect opportunity for me to sleep in, but now that I was seeing Josephine, I had to get up early. Well, earlier than I was used to on a Tuesday. The fact that I was nervous to see her didn't really help...

When I arrived, I got to the receptionist, and I could take my seat in the waiting room. I saw that leopard guy with the scars again once I got through the door of the waiting room. He looked up and smiled weakly at me, saying "hi" as if he was very nervous again. Then after a few moments, that raccoon dude arrived and took that leopard with him. And well... Moments later, Josephine arrived. It was kinda strange to see her after I had that dream but... She didn't know I had that dream of her. She shook my hand and had that pretty smile on her face when she asked me to follow her. And while I was following her, I noticed her scent... It's some sort of a perfume... Only better... Anyway, I followed her to the same room as last week... She got us drinks and after she placed it on the table, we both took our seat. I was sitting right across her and smelled her scent... It's not an ordinary scent... She's in heat... And it kinda aroused me. Heh... But... I noticed a ring on her left hand. Maybe her boyfriend asked her to marry her or something. I didn't see a ring last week... I knew it... She's already taken... And so, the conversation started off... 'I talked to Terry about it last week.'

'Did you?'

'Yeah...'

'Did you called him or did he called you or...?'

'Heh... Well actually... I've seen him. Last Tuesday, I was doing groceries when I bumped into him at the mall.'

'It's a small world...' Josephine said with a smile.

'Yeah, it is...'

'So how was it?'

'Well at first I was... Pretty nervous and all but... Luckily, it went away quickly. We talked about it and well... We hanged out for the rest of the day. He stayed over for dinner at my place. And ever since that, we started seeing each other again...'

'That's very good.'

'Yeah, I know and well... We talked about what happened between the two of us. He said that he was responsible as well for what has happened.'

'And why is that?'

'Terry didn't want to at first. But he feels guilty because he did anyway.'

'Why would he feel guilty?'

'It's because he thinks he took advantage of me. For being... Well... In heat that night. But... I wanted to.'

'So what is exactly troubling you? The fact that you slept with him or...?'

'Sort of...'

'Go on.'

'Well... I don't really know how to label Terry.'

'What do you mean?'

'Meagan and Ceylan are good friends... Terry as well, but... It's different with him...'

'Then what's the difference...?'

'I don't know, he's just... I-I have different feelings for him. I mean... I want more then friendship. But I don't want a relationship. Sometimes I consider him more then a friend, but he's not my boyfriend, and I'm not in love with him, but sometimes it seems we are. It's just the way we hang out together. I love him as a friend and I have feelings for him as well, except... Well... Their different feelings really then when you're in love with someone. And... It's just really confusing me while I know there isn't anything else between the two of us...'

'You feel attracted to him?'

'Yes... But... In a very different way...'

'How different?'

"Very..."

'Do explain...'

'Sometimes... Sometimes... I feel the urge to go to bed with him... And well, its something I want, but on the other hand... I don't... Because I'm not like that... It's just not me. And... I haven't seen him in a couple of months until last week. Usually it was just a quick hi in the hallways at college but... That's it. These feelings have always been there ever since I know him but... It's not until recently I started to notice that... Those feelings only get stronger. And ever since last week, I started to think about him again... And it's just really confusing me...'

'It's a primitive instinct.'

'A what?'

'It's an instinct of something that lies dormant with us, dating back from prehistoric times. It's the urge to find a mate. It's different then love. You're not attracted by someone you fell in love with but by the pure drive to reproduce. Not everyone has these feelings, some manage to oppress those instincts and some can't. I can understand that it's difficult and that it can be quite uncomfortable to talk about. But you should, nonetheless.'

'Yeah...'

'The truth is though, it's not that uncommon as you may think it is. A lot of girls of your age have those feelings. Some are younger when it happens, and well, some are older. You'd be surprised of how many girls I've seen with the exact same difficulties that you have.'

'Heh...'

'Talking to Terry about this would be a good thing. And you need to be honest. Tell him what you want him to know.'

'It really feels awkward to talk about this...'

'I know, and I can't blame you. But really, it would be the best thing to do.'

'I-I know.... Heh... But... I'll try...'

'Alright, so did you bring the sheet of paper you took home last week?'

'Yeah, I did...'

'Can I see it?'

'Yeah sure...'

She wasn't gonna talk about the things I liked about myself. Why would she? I know that, she knows that. Healthy people don't need a doctor like I don't have to know what I like about myself. She wasn't ignoring the things I liked about myself but the things I didn't like about myself got more attention. "Being naive". "I'm too dependant on others". "Pretending to be someone else other then myself". She said, and then she looked at me while I nodded slowly. 'Why would you pretend to be someone else other then you?'

'I-I don't know.'

'Then what's the difference between you and the person you pretend to be...?'

'I-I don't know... It's just... Not me. And... I'm scared that people don't like me for who I am.'

'And why wouldn't they like you?'

'I don't know...'

'No one told you that they don't like you. And I bet you're friends didn't say that either. So what makes you think like that?'

I let out a deep sigh again and shook my head... I didn't know... 'See, Nicole, the thing is... You have to ask yourself... Is it relevant to think like that?'

'Wh-Whadda ya mean...?'

'Whenever you have a situation you don't feel comfortable in, say... That party you mentioned last week. Let's take that as an example, ok?'

'Yes...?'

'Aaaaaaaaaand... There are a lot of strangers surrounding you, who never saw you before. You're friends are at that party as well, but they are talking to different people. You sit in a corner, waiting for someone to talk to you. And whenever people are not talking to you, you presume they don't talk to you because you think they don't like you.'

'Pretty much... Yeah... Heh...'

'Would it be relevant to think like that...? No one said that they don't like you, so you can never know for sure. So ask yourself this whenever a situation like this is happening. "Is it relevant to think like this...?" "Do I know for sure...?" Then you'll discover that the answer is always no. Because you don't know for sure. And whenever the answer is no, you have to take that thought and throw it into the garbage can. Metaphorical speaking, that is.'

'I see...'

'But being insecure about yourself sometimes can be a good thing.'

'Why is that...?'

'Because you question yourself if you have what it takes. It makes you think before you act.'

'But overdoing it is a different story...'

'Which is why you need to ask yourself those questions. And then you'll know the answer whether it's right or wrong.' she said, while she had that beautiful smile on her face again... Wow... She's good... The moment I saw her smiling, I couldn't resist smiling as well... And then all of a sudden a question came I didn't expect... 'How is your relationship with you're parents?' she asked... I wasn't expecting that... So... I didn't know what to say... So I shook my head... 'I rather not talk about them...'

'I understand if you don't want to. Do you have any siblings?'

'Yes... I have an older brother. His name is Cody...'

'Do you get along well with him?'

'Yeah... He means a lot to me...'

'So does he still live at home or...?'

'Heh... No... He has this apartment. And I moved in with him. B-But... Cody got sent to Sercia... And... I stayed in his apartment ever since. And.... Meagan moved in after I asked Cody.'

'So you're brother is a soldier?'

'Yes... He did send letters and called occasionally. But... Three years have passed since the last one... A-And... I really miss him...'

'Do you know where he is in Sercia...?'

'He was stationed in Barandakesh. B-But... After I heard on the news that the ultranationalists managed to take over... And... That the government fell... I-It's just that... I'm really scared ever since he's been missing... I-I've always thought that he might have died there b-but... I don't know for sure. I called and sent letters many times but I always get the same reply. His regiment doesn't exist... Or sometimes I don't get a reply at all...'

'Three years is a long time to wonder in the dark, waiting for a loved one...'

'Yeah...'

I took a deep sigh and closed my eyes. There was this chunk in my throat which kept me from talking to her. Swallowing didn't work. It only got worse... Slowly... Everything floated up. Not just about Cody... But also about my parents... The way I am... What I am... I don't know anymore... I felt how the tears were rolling down my cheek... With a sniff every once in a while... And after a while, I opened my eyes, and noticed Josephine was looking at me. She reached the box of tissues to me and after hesitating for a moment, I grabbed a couple of tissues. 'I-I-I'm sorry... I just...'

'It's ok, that's what these are for, dear...'

'Heh...'

'You want some water?'

'N-No, I'll be fine... Thanks...'

'Okay... So do you're parents know about Cody?'

'I don't know... I haven't seen them in years...'

'Why is that...?'

'I don't want to see them...'

'Oh...?'

'Yeah...'

'Why is that?'

It stayed quiet for a long, looong time while I hesitated if I should tell her or not... Maybe I should let go of this as well... To close down a chapter of my life and to start a new one... I realized I couldn't do that on my own... I needed help... And it's right here... Right in front of me... 'You know...?' I said quietly... 'I... I-I've seen the hospital more in my youth t-then someone d-does in their entire life... I-I don't know why... It doesn't have a reason... But...

B-But I guess they didn't need to have a reason...'

It stayed silent for a while as I tried to say the things I've always kept to myself... It's strange really... I could've told my friends about it. But I never did. Terry is the only one who knows... I don't want them to feel sorry for me, they shouldn't be. So I told Josephine... She wouldn't feel sorry for me. It's her job to stay objective which is probably the reason why I started to talk while I wasn't facing her... It felt as if I was talking to myself, as if that would make things a lot more easier... I tried to swallow the tears back but... They kept coming back... 'T-They didn't need to and I didn't know why...'

'Go on...'

'I actually had another sibling... But... He died at birth. And... A couple of years later, I was born... My parents always told me that they wished I was the one who died, and... Not Evan...

'And Evan is your sibling who died at birth...?'

'Yes...'

'I see... Go on...'

'I didn't know what it was... But I didn't know any better... They blamed their financial problems on me... Saying I was the cause of everything... Saying that I wasn't wanted... Being beaten almost every day just because I existed... For breathing...'

And then it stayed silent again... I kept looking down to my own feet... 'I-I don't know...' 'I-I didn't do anything...' I said quietly to her...

'I know you didn't...'

'Heh... Cody... Never got beaten. But... When he got older, he realized they were doing the wrong thing... Cody wasn't afraid unlike me... He wasn't hiding... He stood up for me, protected me from them... Bearing the consequences each time he did... They started to beat him as well for... Well... I don't know why... They showed us every corner of the room we happened to be in... A-And sometimes they used stuff like belts or... Pretty much anything they could get their hands on... And... This one time... I fractured my arm because of it.... My dad was kind enough to take me to the hospital afterwards. But I had to keep my mouth shut about what happened... My dad told me he would break my other arm if I told the doctors what happened... So... S-So... When the d-doctors asked... I looked at my dad and... I saw his eyes, you know...? As if there was no spark of life in them at all as they were staring coldly into mine... So... I-I told the doctors I fell down the stairs...'

All Josephine did was listening to me... And nodding... Every time I looked at her, I noticed she tried to make eye-contact... And her eyes said a lot... That it's ok to talk about it, to let everything go... Such a small gesture meant a lot... And I realized that someone was finally listening to me... I let out a deep sigh and tried to swallow the tears back in... And the moment I looked up, I noticed that Josephine tried to make eye contact again... 'Do you have any other relatives?'

'No... Well, I do but... My parents didn't want to see the rest of the family anymore after they had a huge fight over us... So we moved far away from them... They separated me from the only thing that meant the most to me...'

'I see...'

'Do you have any idea... What it's like to... T-To go to school... Looking all b-battered up... While... While all the other kids stare at you as if you're some kind of freak...? Do you have any idea what it does to you when you're just 5 years old...?'

I looked at her and I could see that she was biting her upper lip. But she quickly recovered and made eye contact again... 'D-Do you...?' I asked her quietly...

'No...'

It stayed silent for a while again as I wasn't facing her. When I looked at Josephine again, I could see she was looking all serious and that she was reaching something out to me. The moment I looked at her hand, I noticed she reached out that box of tissues again...

Once the session was over, I walked outside as Josephine walked me to the exit. I said goodbye to her, and once I was out of the building, I realized how difficult it was talking about it... Even now, years later it still troubled me... And how she managed to do it... I had no idea... Truth was, she made me feel better... Relieved, now that I've said that to her. She found a way to break the barrier. But I really had to recover afterwards... For the rest of the session, I've been crying even though I didn't want to... Talking became difficult, but she was so very patient and everything. She didn't ask me anything, but she just listened. That's all I needed... But once I got outside, I sat down on a bench... And thought things over... After a while, I got snapped out of my daydream by a deep voice... 'You okay...?' I looked up and noticed that leopard guy I saw earlier...

'Kinda...'

'Mind if I join you?'

'Yeah sure... Go ahead...'

So he sits down next to me and got out a packet of cigarettes. He takes one and offered me a cigarette as well. 'No, thanks... I don't smoke...'

'Alright...'

He lights up the cigarette. Takes a puff and supports his elbows on his knees while he was looking down. And after a moment, I got up and walked away... I couldn't think with this guy sitting next to me...

I sat down in the cafeteria once I got to college. I still had fifteen minutes to go before class would start... Truth be told, I really didn't want to after I talked to Josephine... I still felt miserable because of it... Slowly, the clock was ticking as I drifted away in thoughts...

On my way to class, I came across Ceylan. The moment she saw me, I saw from the corners of my eyes that she walked towards me. But I continued to walk on and pretended not to see her. It's difficult for me to see her for no apparent reason, just like I had with Terry... But she catches up with me, and I felt her paw on my shoulder. The moment I turned around, I noticed that she had this weak little smile on her face, and I could see that she was hesitating on what to do. As if she didn't know what to do... It probably felt awkward for her too... It's not like her to hesitate. She changed as well. And after we stared at each other for a moment, she hugged me... 'How are you feeling...?'

'I get confronted with so many things... And... Now I get confronted with you...'

'Is that... Good or bad...?'

'I wish I knew...'

She took my hand and looked at me for a short moment. Then we went somewhere where we could be alone. In the staircase... Around the corner next to the stairs... A small lonely spot where we used to make out... But everything is different now... Being alone here with her again. It's not the same how it used to be. She placed her paws on my cheeks as she held me close. No more butterflies in my stomach... Just an empty void...

'Listen... Nikki... I want you to know something...'

'Yes...?'

'I really miss you... And... I really want you back... A-And... I know you needed your space but... I just... I wanna help you but you never call or... Please... Just tell me... I'd do anything...'

All I wanted was to have things back the way they were... Being able to be intimate with her without feeling embarrassed about it... She never forced it on me. I just did what I always wanted to do to satisfy my curiosity. And I just gave in to that... Maybe that was my problem... Being weak of character and being naive about things... She wasn't the one manipulating me... Maybe I was just manipulating myself... I just simply gave in without second thought... I mean, why would I think twice about the things I like? To have my doubts about the girl I love? It didn't seem to have a reason, but now I know. We grew apart... And if we were back together again, everything would be different... I'd be hurting her feelings to give her false hope like that... Which is why I was about to say something that pierced my heart... And I'd hurt her feelings... But it's best to hurt her feelings now then to give her false hope... 'Why don't you just forget about me and everything we ever did...?'

'Because I can't.... Nikki, listen... We can still work things out... A-And... Everything will be alright... I'll do anything if-'

'It's not you... Really... It's not... I just... Need to get everything straight...'

'I know you do but we can start all over again if you still want to... And... We'll take things real slowly until you figured out everything... I'll always be here for you... I'll promise... It'll be alright...'

'Ceylan... Things are hard as it is already... Please... Don't make it worse by saying that everything will be alright... Forget about me... Forget about everything we ever did... I told you, I won't hold it against you if you find someone else... I don't deserve you...'

'Why are you acting like this, Nic...?'

'Because you and I both know it... I don't want to give you false hope... Even though I still want to be with you... But... I simply just can't do it...'

I wasn't looking at her... But I realized she held my hands all this time... So I looked at her... And removed my hands out of hers... The moment I looked back in her eyes, I could see that she was really hurt... Her expression said enough... Let alone what her eyes said... But like I said, it's best to hurt her like this then to give her false hope... 'Listen... I'm late for class... I have to go now, okay...?' Ceylan just nodded slowly... 'I love you...' she said quietly... But I didn't say anything... I took her hand and squeezed it to let her know I still loved her deeply. But I just couldn't say it... And with my head down, I walked away from her, not looking at her anymore while she stayed behind...

The day went by very slowly... Once I got home, I was exhausted, but I couldn't sleep. I wasn't hungry. I just lied down on the couch staring blankly into space. And after a while, Meagan came home. She noticed me on the couch, and tapped my legs. I got snapped out of it the moment she did that. So I lifted my legs up and she sat down, while she got hold of my paws and rests it on her stomach. She had her hands around my paws and started to scratch the fur, and every now and then, she rubbed my toes. I loved the feeling of it... She always did that ever since we were young... I still don't know why though, but I wasn't complaining... 'You shouldn't let her go, Nikki.'

'Hm...?'

'Ceylan is very nice... And even though I don't see her the way you do, I can tell that you both love each other very much.'

'Heh...'

'You know... I saw her the other day and... Talked to her. She feels miserable about the fact that everything went downhill. Not just with you. But... Also with Terry. But despite that, she accepted the breakup, even though it's tearing her apart from the inside. She made a lot of sacrifices in order for her to be with you.'

'I know...'

'And... You shouldn't just throw that away. I know you love her as well. It's just the circumstances that makes everything difficult.'

'Yeah...'

'I just don't understand how you can be so cold to her while I can still see you love her. And you miss her as well...'

I took a deep sigh... And she was right but... What am I supposed to do to set things right...?

'Fabian and I were once like that... I recognize a lot between you and Ceylan of how Fabian and I used to be... There were so many things I still wanted to say to him... Sometimes at night... I can still feel his strong arm around me. Whispering in my ear of how much he loves me. How much I meant to him... He got taken away from me and I'll never know why... And I really miss him. There's hasn't been a single day gone by without thinking of him. We managed to be together even though all the odds were against us. It only made me love him more then I already did. He still means a lot to me, even though it's been a long time since he passed away... But it's not too late for you and Ceylan, Nikki... Please... Don't do something you'd regret in the end... Because I wouldn't give up.... I'd do anything to get Fabian and those feelings back I once had... Don't make the biggest mistake of your life here, Nic...'

After sitting like that for a long time while it stayed silent, she got up from the couch. She told me she was going to bed and hugged me. But I stayed on the couch nonetheless. The moment I looked outside the window, I could see that there was a clear night sky. So I got up from the couch after sitting like that for a while, and went to Meagan's room where I peeked around the doorpost. She was asleep... Meagan was curled up on her bed, holding on to a pillow. She's been alone ever since Fabian died... Would I be alone for the rest of my life now that Ceylan and I broke up...? I wouldn't know... But I do know that Meagan was right... And that I had to do something about it... So I grabbed my jacket from the couch and put my boots on. I took my keys from the table and my mobile phone and went outside. I locked the door behind me and got out on the street...

The park was something that helped me to clear my mind whenever something was bothering me. It's not the same park I mentioned earlier that Terry and I visited, but it's a rather small park not too far from my apartment. It's beautiful to see the park at night. To see the moon reflect in the water of the small lake, as the light was shining through the blossom trees going over the hills. At some point, I sat down on a bench, and started thinking again about what Meagan said. She had a point... I know it all too well. But how...? Things aren't as easy as everyone claims it to be... One thought at a time, they all went through my head like a slideshow. About Terry... About Ceylan... About Cody... Myself... I knew I couldn't go on like this anymore. I had to find answers for myself before I get a mental breakdown...

At some point, I noticed movement. When I looked up, I saw in the distance two guys. A gay couple, sitting on a bench, making out... I watched them for a moment until I noticed an older couple walking by, where the man and woman looked disgusted at the gay couple. The woman said something as they were moving by, and the gay couple looked at the other couple walking away... Then they just laughed and started to make out again. They didn't care about them... I couldn't resist smiling after I saw that... And it made me realize I had to do something... I took out my mobile phone and noticed it was 11:00 PM... It's late, I know but... She had to know. I looked through my contact-list... Found Ceylan's name... And hesitated to dial at first... But I dialled it, nevertheless... And after a while, she answered her phone, while she sounded very sleepy. 'Hello...?'

'Hi... It's me...'

'N-Nikki...? How you doing, you ok...?'

'Yeah, I-I'm fine... Heh... I didn't wake you, did I...?'

'No...'

'Heh...'

'What's wrong...?'

'No, nothing's wrong... It's just... I love you too, Ceylan...'