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A year passed by... Everything went great and all... And then something changed. It all started innocently. And I didn't know what it was. A lot happened in those months. I guess sometimes you think you're in the possession of everything that you could've possibly wanted. That the things you wanted the most found you instead, as if it was right there for you to claim. Looking over and over again about these things, made me realize I had everything I ever wanted. Maybe a bit too much...

It wasn't Ceylan. She treated me as if I was the most precious being in the whole world. It's not that I didn't like her anymore. It's just that... I was starting to have my doubts... Not about her. But about myself... I guess I wasn't thinking of the consequences of my actions back then. I fucked it up for Ceylan and Terry. But everything got settled straight in the end. And now, it feels as if I was the one who had to bear the consequences... And the more I thought about it, the more of a problem it seemed to get. Like I once said... Making a problem while there isn't any. And I guess that wasn't the only thing that was bothering me. If only I knew...

I thought about it at night whenever I was in bed. But I never talked to Terry and Ceylan about the things that were bothering me. Maybe it was because I felt ashamed about it. It made me feel vulnerable. Too exposed... Too dirty... And I didn't know why. I noticed I changed because of that. Isolated myself more then I already did. And slowly but steady, Ceylan started to notice it too... But I kept my mouth shut and pretended as if nothing ever happened. Bottling things up can take its toll on you. So what happened in that year...?

Ever since Ceylan and I had a relationship together, the two of us were very intimate. But now... I felt ashamed of myself. The mirror wasn't showing me whenever I was staring at it. I stared at a completely different individual than myself. It just wasn't me I was facing in the mirror. I remember the night I slept with Terry but... I can't seem to recall those feelings I felt that night. I didn't feel safe, cosy and warm anymore. Realizing now of what I did made me feel plain miserable. If there was an explanation of why I did it, I could at least give it a rest and accept it. Being in heat is no excuse. But I couldn't accept it. I didn't know why I did it and why I felt miserable. I thought it would actually help me, but it didn't. And the more I thought about it, the more miserable I felt. I couldn't face him anymore. And I was feeling even more miserable than I already did...

Now that the new semester started, the four of us weren't seeing each other much. Usually, it was a quick "Hi" in the hallways but... That's about it... Ceylan and Terry always kept each other at a distance ever since they broke up. And Terry... He was living his own life again... We started to distance ourselves from each other as well... Maybe he still had a grudge against me in the end, for what I did to him... And well... Meagan tried to pick up her life as well... Everything was just falling apart in front of my eyes again... That was one of the reasons why I felt so shitty...

Those feelings caused myself to isolate me from Terry and Meagan. But what's worse was that I started to isolate myself from Ceylan... It all went downhill slowly. I saw it happening right in front of my eyes. It felt as if I couldn't do anything about it. Whenever Ceylan and I were doing it, I couldn't enjoy it anymore. And then all of a sudden, there was no intimacy no more... No more cuddles... No more kisses... I was starting to feel more depressed and sad as the weeks passed by... For... No apparent reason. And Ceylan could see that. She tried to talk to me about it, but I never answered her. It's because I didn't know the answer to those questions. Nevertheless, she supported me and the things I did. Truth was though; I didn't know what I was doing... But she accepted it, even though I could see that she was hurt deeply. But I didn't do anything about it because I felt too ashamed...

For some reason, I was really pissed, but also very sad. Pissed and sad because of the fact I saw our relationship crumbling in front of my eyes while I didn't know how to save it. It frustrated me. It's really hard to describe that feeling, especially if you've never felt it before. And thinking of "the good old days" only made it worse. You've experienced it, but it's not coming back. Whatever may happen in the future, things will never be the same again. I really didn't want to lose Ceylan. And realizing that also made me realize I needed her... Not the other way around...

I had regrets. Of course I had regrets... Would it be selfish of me not to let her go...? To make Ceylan live her own life without me...? Maybe... I don't know. She deserves to live her own life, after I kept her on a leash for such a long time. I don't deserve her for what I was doing to her. That and thousands of questions kept circling around, while I didn't know the answer. I was caught up in a distant dream wandering why my mind played tricks and fooled me into thinking everything would be alright in the end. But it never came... The only thing I ever wished for was that things were getting better between the two of us. Being able to talk about it. Knowing what was wrong. Just to save us... That's all. Nothing more. Nothing less... Even though I distanced myself from Ceylan, and even though I could see she was torn apart by it, she stayed with me, which is somthing I don't understand. She's better off without me anyway...

One night, we were getting ready for bed. I already tugged myself in as Ceylan was taking a shower. The moment she came back, my back was facing her and I pretended to be asleep. I felt how she placed her hand on my cheek... Caressed my hair, probably wondering what it was that changed me so dramatically all of a sudden. And then she got in bed, next to me. I felt how her hand was caressing my hair again and her other hand was holding on to mine. At some point, it stopped. And she fell asleep...

For hours I was thinking in bed that night. But the thinking didn't help. I needed to clear my mind. So I opened the door to the balcony and stood there in my nightie, watching the nightsky. After a long time standing like that, I felt a soft fluffy paw touching my shoulder. I felt how her chin was placed on my shoulder as her paws clenched around my stomach. Than the whispers started...

'Hey, dushi...'

'Hey...'

We stood there for a while. And I had to tell her. It would've been the best for the both of us...

'Ceylan...?'

'Yes...?'

How the hell was I gonna say this to her...? She knew that something was coming but seriously... I had no idea how to bring it... So I turned around and faced her... I think saying it while looking in her eyes is the best way... But that didn't mean that it wasn't difficult... 'I've been thinking a lot lately...' 'About what...? She asked while she caressed my hair. 'You... Me... About us...' A moment of silence while she kept staring at me... 'Maybe... Maybe it's time to let you go... To... T-To live our own lives again...'

'What...? Why...?'

'Sometimes... Sometimes... I-If you really love someone... You just... You just gotta let them go, you know...? I just don't want to keep you on a leash when there's nothing anymore... We both know it...You deserve so much more than I can offer you...'

'What makes you say all these things, Nic...?

'It's just the way things are... Nothing more, nothing less...'

'Is that what you really think...?

'I know it is... And I'm sorry... But... You're better off without me... I'm sorry... I truly am...'

'Yeah... I'm sorry too...'

Then she let go of me... And went inside. But I stayed outside on the balcony, still looking at the nightsky. I wish I knew what was bothering me. I wish I had an answer to all those questions I had. But the answers never came that night... I just couldn't think...

I have no idea how long I've been outside. At some point, I could hardly keep my eyes open, so I went inside. I made a cup of coffee and just sat down on my couch. And then I saw my wallet on the table. I stared at it for a moment until I finally got hold of it, and took out a passport picture of my brother. It's the only picture I have of him...

Remember when I told you about my brother? Well... His name is Cody. He should be twenty-seven years old by now... I don't talk about him much... Only Meagan and Terry knew about Cody... It's because it's just too painful to talk about him. It still is... Heh... Look at him... He looks so good in a uniform...

When my brother was born, he was raised with love, just like any other kid. He always was the favourite. It's not that I was jealous of him. But... When I was a kid... I always got beaten for no apparent reason. They always said I wasn't wanted. They always blamed me for the problems they faced. And I always got ignored and neglected. Maybe they wanted a boy instead of a girl. But I still don't know why they didn't love me...

I actually had another sibling... Evan was his name... But Evan died at birth, so I never knew him, seeing as I'm the youngest and Cody being the oldest. Cody and I were always close as a brother and sister. We were more like close friends. When he got older, he realized my parents were doing wrong to me. And he stood up for me. Protected me... Made me realize I wasn't a piece of shit... He was always there for me whenever I was crying quietly in my room. Always looked after me... I didn't have to scream for attention whenever he was with me. Heh... You have to realize that... When you're just a little kid, you want attention from your parents. It's only natural... They never showed any signs of love. But Cody did. He loved me... He told me stories that mom and dad used to be so different... He told me the things he and my father did together, those typical father and son things. And Cody noticed they changed too... He never got beaten... But whenever he tried to protect me or stood up for me, they started on him too... And I just didn't understand... But we had each other... So I tried to show him of how much I loved him as well. And how much he means to me as my brother... So I showed him everything when I was just a teen... Sometimes I showed him my breasts... And... My vagina... Asking him if he thought if I was beautiful... If he really loves me... I thought it might have been the only way for me to get attention, but he never gave an answer to that question. Instead... He helped me getting dressed again. And told me that girls shouldn't get that kind of attention. I didn't know what he meant with that back then, but I do now. Someone else might've taken advantage of those situations, but he didn't. And I was thankful for that. Thankful of not taking advantage my naiveties and vulnerabilities. Who knows how I would've end up if he did...? Nevertheless, his caring and loving didn't stop. And I was very dependant on him during my years back home...

Cody joined the military when he was 18. He was 20 years old when the war in Sercia broke out. He was stationed for two years in Sercia to serve, and he came back for another year. He stayed with me for two months until he had to go back. He didn't tell me where he was going. He said it was classified. He said I shouldn't worry about him. And to the question how I could reach him. He would contact me. For a year, he did whenever he had the chance. But after that... No more calls... No more letters... Nothing. I tried as much as I could to look for him, but to no avail. I asked for his regiment, the 401st Rapid Deployment Troops. They simply said that it didn't exist. I tried for so long but... Cody just vanished into thin air. I've always thought of the possibility that he might have died there in that God forsaken place. But I always kept hoping that he would show up in front of me one day. But it's been three years since the last time I've talked to him. Even longer when I last saw him... And even though it's been so long, there always was a spark of hope of him to return. Either in this life or the next... I just know I will see him again one day... I whispered to him of how much I loved him... How much I missed him. And how much I wanted him to be here... He would know the answer to everything, like he always did...

I kept wiping the tears out of my eyes. But they always came back... I'm just so sick and tired of being so insecure about everything... For hours, I kept rolling around on the couch... But fell asleep eventually...

The next day, I woke up early for some reason. I felt the warm sun shining on my face. Normally, this would be the only thing needed that would make me crack a smile. But that morning, I didn't. I still felt miserable. Taking a bath would usually help so I got up and went to my wardrobe to get clean underwear. I looked at Ceylan but she was still asleep...

I made my way to the bathroom where I opened up the tap and let the bathtub fill up with hot water. I remembered I had those bath-bombs that smell like Lotus Flowers. Very relaxing... But also very expensive... Anyway, I opened the drawer of the bathroom counter, took out a bath-bomb and tossed it in the bathtub while the water was still running. I waited until the bath was filled and heard the bath-bomb sizzling while the bubbles started to appear. I took deep breaths through my nose as the entire bathroom started to fill with a delicious aroma smell in no time. And then the moment arrived where I... needed to undress myself... and... actually get in the bathtub... Which I did... Quickly, I wiggled my toes in the water first and than slowly let myself down in the hot water. Immediately closed the shower curtains once I got in. It's a habit I always had, even though I knew I was alone. For some reason, I can only enjoy a bath whenever the curtains are closed. It makes me feel safe...

After a while, I heard a soft knock on the door. And than I heard the door opened up. Ceylan knew I never locked the door. And there's a reason for that. I don't like the idea of being locked up... It freaks me out whenever that happens... I heard the door opened up and she was just washing her face and brushing her teeth. And that's it... After that, she walked out of the bathroom again.

Unfortunately, taking a bath didn't do the trick for me. It made me clear my mind, but the moment I got out of the bathtub, it all came back. I quickly got dressed. And than I went back to my room, where I saw Ceylan was sitting on the edge of my bed as her back was facing me. I just stood there for a moment, wondering what was on her mind. So I sat on my half of the bed, with my back facing hers. I looked in the mirror and noticed she turned her head... 'Nikki...?'

'Yes...?'

'Did you really mean what you said last night...?'

'It might be for the best...'

'But... Is it something you want...?

Do I want to break up with her...? Ceylan is pretty much the only reason for me to exist... I wouldn't have a purpose without her... So do I want to break up with her...? No... But I wasn't breaking it up for my own sake... I did it for her even though I didn't want to... 'No... No, I don't...'

'Then why are you saying this...?'

'Because... Because... For the last few months. I saw how everything went downhill. And... I don't know what caused it. It frustrates me that I can't find the answer. It's not that I don't want to anymore. I just don't know how... I was just too busy trying to find answers for myself. B-But... I never found any answers. And it all led to this... It frustrates me to see us growing apart... I can't give you something I don't have... It's still there somewhere... I just... Need to look...'

It stayed silent for a while as I was trying to catch my breath again. It felt as if a chunk was stuck in my throat that prevented me from speaking up my mind. Swallowing didn't work. And even though I wasn't nervous, I had a hard time to speak up. She deserved to know what she really means to me... 'Ceylan... When I first met you... I would've never have thought that we ended up together. You opened my eyes. Told me that we shouldn't care about what others think... You made me change... You made me realize I had to take risks... But I'm not who you think I am... Not anymore... I changed because of it... Not knowing what caused it in the first place... But it's just the way things are, you know...? And... I don't think its right to keep you on a leash like that... Which is why I need to let you go... I don't deserve you, even though you still mean everything to me...'

I didn't know why being this honest is so difficult for me. I'm not really an open book when it comes to expressing my feelings and emotions. It stayed silent for a moment. Having that said to her, after being so honest, made me feel vulnerable. I didn't want to break it up with her, but it would've been the best for the both of us. But I couldn't say anything afterwards. It felt as if I had something stuck in my throat, not being able to speak up. There were so many things I still wanted to say to her, but I couldn't... It felt as if I could break down in tears any moment. So I closed my eyes... And she could see that in the mirror... The moment I opened my eyes and had the guts to face her, I could see she had a sad expression on her face. I've never seen her so sad, realizing I said something that hurt her deeply. She crawled towards me on the bed even though I could she hesitated for a moment. She clenched her arms around me while resting her chin on my shoulder, holding me tight. It seems like a small gesture... But it meant everything to me that morning. At that moment, I couldn't hold myself anymore... And I let the tears go. No more holding back... There is no need to. I could cry all I want. She would wipe the tears from my eyes away... Like she always did...'I-I just don't know what to do anymore, Ceylan... I'm just tired of thinking all the time... Tired of being depressed and to question everything if I should do it or not... And not regretting it after I did...'

'It's not just about us that is bothering you, is it...? There's more to it...'

'I wish I knew...'

'You're just being way too insecure about yourself, Nikki...'

'Whadda ya mean...?'

'I just see it in everything you do. Sometimes, I get the idea that you cling a bit too much on me. Really, I don't mind if you do, but it's not good for you as a person. You're too dependant on others.'

'I-I know...'

'You just need to take chances and risks. And so what if things don't go the way you want...? You cant always expect things to go right. So what...? You just shrug and move on. But you need to learn from it. That's what my mom always told me...'

"Well, my mom always told me to get the fuck out of the house."

'You know what I mean...?'

'Huh? Y-Yeah... Yeah, I know what you mean.'

'And the only way to learn it, is just by doing it...'

'Heh... You make it sound so easy...'

'That's because it is easy. You're just making a problem out of it.'

'Maybe...'

'And... Whenever you're making problems, it only gets stacked up on a pile of other problems. That stack only gets bigger if you never talk about it. You see where I'm going...?

I knew all too well what she meant... Things would've been a lot easier if I knew what was wrong... I nodded slowly as Ceylan kept on hugging me... 'See, Nikki... The thing is... I know that something happened with Meagan. She said you talked to her. She told you everything. And I don't have to know what happened to her if she doesn't want me to know, but... You helped her out... She's seeing a therapist now, and she's changing slowly... You always shove your own problems aside to help out others, and I know you mean it well, but at some point, you have to stop. How can you take care of others if you can't even take care of yourself...? You should stop thinking about others and focus on yourself right now if you want things to be alright.'

'Heh...'

'No really, Nikki... I mean it... We all noticed something is wrong with you. But we can't help you if you don't tell us what's wrong. It's not strange if you don't want to talk to us about the things that are bothering you. Trust me, I would know... Sometimes it actually helps when you're talking to a stranger...'

'Why...?'

'Because... A stranger doesn't know you. He or she will only know what you want them to know. They stay objective and they basically don't feel sorry for you... Whenever someone feels sorry for you, it would only make you feel more miserable, because they emphasize you're problem. Which is why talking to friends doesn't always solve the problem... You don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to or if it's making you feel uncomfortable. Talking to a social worker would help. Trust me... I would know, dushi... You can talk to us about you're problems but... We can only help you on a certain level. And well... After that, there isn't much we can do but to advice on what to do if we know what is wrong. And my advice to you is... Go see a social worker. Because it's not just affecting you... It's taking control of your life... Which... In the end, is affecting us because we want to help but we don't know what to do. And you shouldn't let that happen to you, nor to us. But in the end, you're the one that has to deal with it. Not us. I hope you understand that, Nic, and that you realize that you can still do something about it...'

It was the simple things that remembered me why I love her so much. Just the little, simple things... Saying that she's proud of me... A simple hug... Coming home late after a shitty day and being greeted by her beautiful smile... Those serious talks we had every now and then... Opening my eyes and realizing my life isn't just one magnificent shithole... Sharing her life-experience with me... That's something I never had when I was still living at home with my parents. Would it be a strange thing to consider her not only as my friend, not only as my girlfriend, but as a big sister as well...? As the mother I never had...? Some people may think it would be a strange thing. But I didn't. It's something I always had, ever since the day I first met her. It only made me love her more than I already did. But I realized it all too well that this couldn't go on... And it pierced my heart when she said it... 'So maybe it's best if we go our separate ways for a while. To give you time to sort things out. You said it yourself. And I understand if you need time...'

'Yeah b-but... I-I-I need you... I can't d-do this on my own...'

It was a last desperate attempt to keep her with me...I had no idea what I was doing anymore... And I wasn't even realizing what I was saying to her... 'I'll be here for you when you need me, Nic. I promise... You can always call me, and if you want to talk, I'll be here for you... But you need to let me know...'

I let out a deep sigh as Ceylan was caressing my cheek... It's painful to realize what I just said to her... Ceylan gently nudged my chin up and I was staring in those beautiful eyes of her... 'It's difficult... I know... But it's difficult for me too... And you have to realize that you can't go on like this anymore...'

And it got me thinking again... What if Ceylan finds someone else...? We never really broke up but... It was more of a time-out. Still... I couldn't stand the thought that she would have someone else... And forget that I ever existed... But I guess that was the price I had to pay... 'I won't hold it against you if you find someone else... You deserve it more than I do... I understand if you don't want to be with me anymore...'

'It'll be alright, Nikki... Trust me...

Ceylan sat next to me and she caressed her hand through my hair, cuddling me as I held on to her other paw. 'What are you gonna do...?'

'I don't know... But hey... Don't worry about me, alright...? I'll be fine...'

'Heh....'

She kissed my cheek and we cuddled for a while as it stayed silent. Then at some point, she whispered in my ear that it would be best for her to go. She didn't tell me why, but... Letting go of her was the most difficult thing I ever did throughout my life... To see her walking out of the door without looking back was painful. The moment she said she had to go was as if she said farewell to me...

I know I've said to her that it was the best for us to go our separate ways for a while. That it might've been the best for the both of us. It might have been the case for her, but not for me... I didn't realize what I got myself into. I didn't go outside anymore. I could hardly eat... I felt more depressed than I usually did... The days were long and lonely without her... The nights were even longer... I guess you don't realize what you're missing until it's not there anymore. I took it for granted that she was here with me... It made me realize we have more in common than I ever imagined. Night after night, I sat on my couch or lied in my bed, having regrets of the things I did as I kept wondering how things turned out like this... But it also made me realize that she's been more honest than I've ever been, even with myself... And with that in mind, I cried myself to sleep every night, only to wake up the next morning and knowing she's not next to me while feeling an empty void no one could fill up...