The voice of reason - Ch 1 - Once upon a time...
#1 of The voice of reason
It's a very cold night... Whenever I stare outside the window, I can see tiny raindrops pouring down from the cold black night. It was a beautiful thing to see the city being so reflective by the rain, but really, it was no weather to be outside. Instead, I was in my own apartment, sitting in the window sill, holding a small notepad, trying to write down everything that happened to me over the years. I hesitated if I should write down about my own life. But I guess it doesn't really make a difference now. I already started writing about it. So... Why I'm writing it down...? I don't really know, to tell you the truth. Call it... Some sort of a "photo-album". Except the pictures are in my head and unlike regular pictures, these images will never fade. Someone will never be able to rip them apart and throw them away. It is something that no one can ever take away from me. And writing it down only clarifies the pictures. It's something no one can see, except for me. Things were so crazy back then, but for some reason, it all makes sense now. So when did things started to change...? Why did they change...? Who change...? The longer I tried to find answers on these questions, the more I started to remember...
Whenever I was looking outside the window at all those people down below made me realize that... No matter how different and unique we all are, we all have something in common. All of us have a mask put on our faces, as if we're hiding ourselves. As if we're afraid to be vulnerable and show it to others. Life seems so complicated while it's actually very easy to comprehend. And yet everybody is making it difficult for themselves. Life is just one big theatre show where we are the actors. And every person has a story to tell, no matter how insignificant or unimportant other people make them look. But unlike a written story, we don't follow a script. We're simply just too busy trying to be alive that we forget what it really is to be alive. All those things I've experienced made me forget the most important thing of all. The love for other people...
I have a friend who means the world to me. Her name is Meagan. She's a grey wolf. A beautiful wolf if I might add. And I knew her all my life. I can't really remember how I met her though. It's been a very long time ago. Maybe I was like... Five, or six years old at the time when I met her... Her mother died when she was twelve years young, and that left a mark on her. She had a really difficult time with that... It only made our bond closer than it already was. She never talks about her mother's death or talked about her home situation. She just didn't show any emotion about it, but she always remained strong and acted as if she didn't care about it. But I knew her mother... She was one of the most caring persons I've ever known... Way different than my own mother... And the day I heard that she passed away... Heh... I cried as well when I heard the news... Because her mother became my mother as well... If I had a hard time to accept her death, can you imagine what it did to Meagan...? And than something changed... But I didn't know at the time what it was. But we stick together, like we always did and made through that difficult period...
It wasn't until many years later that I started to notice things about her. I didn't know what it was that got me so captivated about her. Whether it was her smile or the things I felt whenever we were alone together or... I didn't know. At some point in my life, I realized I was in love with her and that I wanted more than just friendship. But she didn't know. At first, I thought the feelings I felt for her would go away eventually, that it was just a phase. But over the years, I realized it wasn't. And I was scared because of that. I knew the feelings wouldn't go away. So I had to accept it. And she had to know. But how...? The more I thought about it, the harder it was for me to be with her.
Years went by as the feelings for her kept on growing. And in the mean time, we kept doing things together. Best friends for life, as they say. We made it through our high school period. And then eventually, we went to college and stayed in the same apartment. My brother owned that apartment but... I'll get back on my brother. I don't feel like talking about him right now. Anyway... Meagan and I only shared 2 classes together, but I didn't mind. I stayed with her nonetheless. And that's basically it in a nutshell...
But unlike me, Meagan wasn't lonely. She had a boyfriend for years... Fabian was his name. And I didn't like it. I was jealous of him whenever I saw them together. I couldn't stand the thought that he was allowed to kiss her and maybe go even beyond kissing. Meagan talked to me about everything. Sometimes, she even told me some "private" things... Pssh, fucking Fabian. "Fabian this, Fabian that". It was driving me mad to hear it every time. But she was happy though, and I wanted her to be happy, even though it was painful for me to see her with someone else. But I decided to bury my feelings for her. If I didn't, I would have gone crazy. But unfortunately, trying to forget about it wasn't really that easy. And besides, the two of us were living our own lives. But despite that, we were still very good friends.
So here comes the part where you might wanna know if I ever had a relationship. Pah. To be short, no, I didn't. I never had a relationship before. I'm not exactly the prettiest girl around. Or at least, that's what i considered myself to be.
And as for me... My name is Nicole. I'm a kangaroo and I'm twenty three years old. I'm not the prettiest girl around. Or at least, I don't consider myself to be. I've got long maroon hair just above my lower-back. My eyes are violet, and I think my eyes are beautiful, even though I think the rest of my body is not. And like I said, I don't have many friends. But the friends I do have, mean the world to me. They always call me "Nikki", or "Nic" and it's actually very rare for them to call me "Nicole". I didn't have a normal youth. I considered it to be one back when I was still a kid. But it's something I don't like to talk about. I try to move forward, and not to look back. So... If I had to describe myself in a couple of words... An extreme lack of self esteem, and I'm very timid and shy... And lesbian, which didn't really make things easier. I wasn't ashamed to be one. No, of course not. But it's just really hard to explain your feelings to someone of the same sex who probably isn't even interested in you. But that didn't mean I had little crushes on other girls. Noooooo... There was this tigress girl I fancied. She always hanged out in the hallways at college and I thought that she was beautiful. I just couldn't help but to stare at her whenever she was walking by. She had really nice hips and always wore a bit of tight jeans, so that her hips stood out from the rest of her body. And if I might add, she had a really nice ass... Perfectly round, like it was shaped to fit in the palm of your hands. Whenever I saw her walking in the hallways, or in the staircases, I was watching her from a distance and never had the guts to actually talk to her. But I guess she was already taken, judging by the male attention she always had...
So there you have it. That's me in a nutshell. That was pretty much my life before everything changed. And it all started innocently... This is my story...