FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

It's been a week since Sarah came by unexpectedly and I had a lot to process once she told me the whole story. I didn't really know what it did to me seeing her again after eight years. Needless to say, seeing her brought a lot of painful memories along. After all the things said and done, it was never her fault. The painful memories we shared, being separated for so many years. She's coming back to Ravello and Sarah hoped I would come and visit her when the time was right for me to do so... But I knew I just couldn't do it, simply because too much has happened and we'd never be able to live a normal life as long as we kept seeing each other. It's difficult to wrong those who never hurt your feelings before... To have told Sarah that she doesn't have a place in my life anymore was one of the most hurtful words that ever came over my lips... But I felt it was necessary to bring the message across... Because sometimes, its best to keep people out of your life. Too much has happened which is why we could never be together again...

Even though it was too late for Sarah, I realized it wasn't too late for Nikki. Things have been so difficult for her the past two years and Nikki got sent right over the edge once we all went our seperate ways... But Meagan brought us all back together again. Well, sort of... It was weird, awkward and very emotional the night we all went to see Nikki. And even though we can't pretend that nothing ever happened, at least we were together again, like it once used to be. I just wished it could've been under different circumstances. But hey, it was a start, right? Making amends to those you've wronged is never easy but the thing about making amends is that its never too late to do so. Most of the time, anyway... But I tried and that's all that mattered, right? Because after all the things said and done, I still cared about them... I just wished everyone else would feel the same about me...

I asked Nikki if she would like to hang out as friends and at first, she agreed to do so. But at the last minute, she called it off. She was very vague in her explanation and I didn't understand much but I was already used to that. It definitely wouldn't be the first time for her to do so... I was hoping that we would be able to talk things out and move on as friends. Even though she told me that she'd like to try, there wasn't much effort put into it. Nikki barely had anything to say to me and things got worse when she started to avoid me... So here I was, at a dead end once more, thinking I could change things around... But I was so sick and tired of everything... I no longer felt like visiting her anymore... And if I did, I didn't stay for long... Every time I called to see how she was doing, the conversations didn't last very long either... And I guess it would be a matter of time until either one of us would finally give up and break off all form of contact... Considering the way things went, I wouldn't be surprised if I would be the first one to say that I couldn't see her anymore... Would I be abandoning her once more if I did...? Most definitely... But my conscious would be clean, knowing that I did everything I could...

On a Wednesday afternoon at around two o'clock, I was done for the day and made my way towards the bus-stop. As I walked on the college campus towards it, I saw Nikki sitting on a bench, underneath a tree, holding a sketchbook and a pencil. I had to look twice to see if it really was her because she looked so much different... It's been a while since I last saw her but she drastically changed the way she looked... That might not seem out of the ordinary but if you knew her, Nikki usually wore hoodies, jeans and sneakers... It wasn't uncommon for her to wear a t-shirt as well but that day, it seemed like she had a total make-over... She actually looked quite feminine with her new clothes, which was so unlike her... Light blue stone washed jeans, a white frilly spaghetti top and black heels... Her hair looked different too, like she styled it to give her that touseled look as it draped over her shoulders... Even though she was holding a sketchbook and a pencil, she wasn't drawing anything. Nikki kept staring at her picture and seemed to have been lost in thoughts... And it seemed kind of odd that she sat there, of all places. Her classes are at the other end of the campus at C-Wing, so why walk all the way here just to sit down...? I wasn't thinking too much about it at the time and I was eager to go home. But seeing her like that...? I felt sorry for her... Hesitating for a moment, I wondered if it would be a good idea to approach her. And I knew talking to her wouldn't get me anywhere but that never stopped me from doing so before, did it...? I had no idea what caused me to approach her after a moment of hesitation. I knew things would never change. So what did I expect from her that day when I went over to see her...? What was I going to say to her...? Questions I didn't think through the moment I stood before her... I figured I'd try to reach out to her again... When Nikki looked up and faced me, I saw that she was quite surprised to see me standing there. She had a weak smile on her face and quickly averted her eyes from me... And I could tell that she felt very uneasy to see me...

'Hey...'

'Hi, Ceylan...'

'How's it going?'

'I'm doing alright, I guess... How about you?'

'Yeah, I'm fine.'

'That's good to hear...'

'Mind if I sit next to you?'

I already sat down right next to her before she could even answer. I wasn't too sure if she wanted me around but the weak smile she gave me when she faced me told me that she appreciated my company. I looked at her drawing inside her sketchbook that she was holding and even though the drawing Nikki was working on wasn't quite finished yet, it still looked really good... She made a drawing of a feline posing in three fourth view, looking down as she held her hands elegantly above her head, standing on her toes, wearing a leotard and spandex... It reminded me of a ballerina... I looked at Nikki while she kept staring at her drawing and smiled at her... When Nikki noticed I was peeking at her sketch, she kept staring at it...

'I've been working on this for two days now... I just can't get her proportions and anatomy right...'

'I don't see any flaws.'

'Her right shoulder looks bigger than her left one which also makes her neck look thicker... Breasts are disproportional in relation to her upper body... They're too round, especially when her arms are raised up like that... Feet are too big... Her left arm is more muscular than her right arm...'

'You're criticizing yourself too much.'

'It's what always drove me to continue and to improve myself...'

'Heh...'

'I haven't drawn in such a long time... I just need to get the hang of it again...'

'Why did you ever stop drawing?'

'I just couldn't focus on it... Lack of motivation, no inspiration whatsoever, I suppose... It felt like it wouldn't make a difference to me anymore...'

'You still enjoy it...?'

'It's hard to say...'

'So what has changed?'

'Hm...?'

'What made you pick up your pencil again...?'

'It used to be a way for me to forget about all the things happening around me and it used to put a smile on my face... And I just hope that one day, it may do so again...'

'I see...'

'Listen, I uhm... I-I have to go...'

'So soon?'

'Yeah, yeah, I-I still have several things to do at home and uhm... Heh...'

'But why, I thought that-... Right, you know what, just go then...'

'I-I'm sorry, I just, uhm...'

'You don't have to explain...'

It happened many times over... Nikki wasn't looking at me anymore right after that... Instead, she quickly got her things, stood up from the bench and turned around to walk away... But something told me that she didn't want to leave... Before she took the first step, she hesitated for a moment... But then she started to quickly walk away, like she always did... I couldn't expect her to stay...

'You never wanted to saddle me up with your problems but your burdens have always been mine to carry as well. Even now, after all the things said and done. But it would make things a whole lot more easier for the both of us if you'd stop the charade and tell me that you'd rather not want to see me anymore.'

At that moment, Nikki stopped and turned around... Before she quickly averted her eyes from mine, I could tell by the look on her face that she was shocked to hear me say that... She didn't came back to me just yet... But I knew that this would be the last time for me to try and reach out to her... Because if this wouldn't work, nothing ever would...

'I-It's not like that, Ceylan... Honestly...'

'Is it? I understand the hint you try to give me by avoiding me all the time... I don't have anything to say to you anymore if you'd walk away from me now... But if you do, know that this will be the last time you'll see me...'

Nikki looked at me for a moment but once she realized I was dead-serious, she averted her eyes from me and stared down at the ground... She wiped the tears away from her eyes and she sighed with trembling lips...

'D-Do you really mean that...?'

'Yes. If you keep walking away from the people who try to help, they'll walk away from you sooner or later... It happened before and it'll happen again if you keep doing this...'

'Heh...'

'You said you wanted to stay friends but I'm being pushed aside again every time I try to reach out to you... And I don't understand why... I just can't do this anymore, Nic...'

'It's difficult for me to see you because so many things has happened between us...'

'I know, which is why we need to talk things out first before we both can move on... But if you feel that you can't do this, then I think its best for the both of us to go our seperate ways and to never see each other again...'

Nikki nodded quietly and wiped the tears away from her eyes as she took a deep breath and sighed quietly... The longer she stood there, the more restless she became... Being with her has always been like treading a mine field: carefully choose your words during a confrontation in order not to hurt her feelings... But that never got me anywhere... She's always been emotionally fragile... I know she meant well with everything she did... I guess Nikki got so used to the idea that she always had to be there for others that she seemed to forget that others need to be there for her as well... Some people have used her and betrayed her trust, making her feel worthless... It hurt her more than anything ever could... There's so much more going on then what she lets me in on and even though I always tried to talk to her about it, I never got trough to her... And to me, this felt like a desperate last attempt of finally getting through to her by telling the ugly truth... Even if that meant I had to hurt her feelings... She just stood there, knowing that if she'd walk away now, it would be for the last time...

'Listen, Nic... I know what its like to spiral down into depression and shut people out... And I understand why you do that... I know you're trying so hard to stay strong and that you don't want others to worry about you... I know you want to keep things to yourself and that you dont want others to carry your burdens... But you also need to understand that if you keep avoiding the people who try to help you, you'll end up alone...'

'Heh...'

'I'm trying so hard to understand why you feel this way, Nic... Don't do this to me anymore... Don't shut me out... Because I can't take it anymore...'

Nikki sighed quietly and wiped the tears from her face... Every time she looked me in the eyes, I could tell that Nikki felt so uncomfortable and that she wanted to get away from me more than anything... She wants to walk away and not to face the confrontation... But Nikki's been running away from things her entire life... All these years, she's been bottling up her feelings and when things became too much, she didn't know to handle it which caused her to break down... Even now, she still doesn't know... Poor girl looked so lost and absolutely shattered to pieces that day... The way she looked at me was as if it was a desperate cry for help except she didn't know how to make her voice heard... It landed on deaf ears before and her trust was betrayed... So I understand why she didn't try to reach out to people anymore... And if that wasn't enough, I betrayed her trust as well... I've hurt her feelings deeply too... And I know it would take a considerable amount of time for me to earn her trust again as a friend... It wouldn't be easy for the both of us... But at least I was trying... At least I was there that day, trying to make her see reason... I think somewhere deep down inside, she realized that... And perhaps that's the reason why she returned and sat next to me on the bench... Even though she only looked at me in the eyes for a moment, it was long enough to tell me that she felt so ashamed... It stayed silent for a while as she kept wiping her tears away...

'There so many things I don't understand in this world, Ceylan... So many things I don't understand about myself and the people around me... People have a tendency to be afraid of what they don't know... Fear causes you to live your life the way you know it to be safe... But the problem with that is that you're not really alive... You're wasting away in grievance and fear in hiding, wondering how it should have been, how it could have been...'

'What are you so afraid of then...?'

'I'm afraid of doing something of which I think will be the answer to everything...'

'But it isn't the answer...'

'I've considered it to be because the lies I'm telling myself no longer seem to hold any truth...'

'What lies...?'

'That everything is fine...'

'Heh...'

'But I'm not... And I just don't know what to do anymore to make things right...'

Nikki stayed silent after that... Once she totally clammed up on me, she became restless once more and was dying to get away from me... I didn't think she actually wanted to leave but this confrontation became too much for her... And at that moment, I regret to have ever said that if she'd walk away from me now, she'd never see me again... There was so much pressure on her where she was basically forced to expose her feelings to me "or else"... And she was never good at expressing her feelings, which only added to the pressure of finding the right words... It became way too personal for her own comfort to the point where she totally broke down... I didn't like doing this but to me, this felt like one last desperate attempt of getting through to her... But judging her reaction, I think the message I tried to bring finally started to sink in... So perhaps this was exactly what she needed when when all else has failed before... But she was an emotional wreck, torn apart by guilt and shame... I felt like I could break down in tears myself, seeing her like that... It was heart wrenching...

It stayed silent for a long time once Nikki clammed up on me from that moment on. And this is exactly what happened every time I talked to her, simply because the both of us didn't know what to say to each other. I didn't know what I could do to help and the longer we sat there, the more restless I became instead... At some point, I was the one who felt like walking away... But if I did, I knew I wouldn't be coming back to her... When everything has already been said and done, knowing that you can't help someone you care about, you'll be torn apart as well... When it starts to affect you too, that's when you have to ask yourself the question if it's not better for you to remove that person out of your life, no matter how harsh that might sound... I've done that to her before and I was about to do so again... Seeing the bus-stop up ahead made it look so easy... To get up from the bench, make my way over there and simply pretend she wasn't there, leaving it all behind me and never to look back again... It would've been so easy if I did... Perhaps it would be the only thing for me left to do... But it wouldn't have been the right thing to do... I sighed quietly and noticed the kiosk on the campus square... I felt like I was gonna need one so I got up from the bench and faced Nikki...

'A coffee would be nice right about now. I know I could definitely use one.'

'Heh...'

'Let's go, my treat.'

Nikki wiped the tears out of her face and smiled weakly at me as she got up from the bench. We made our way to the kiosk, which was fucking expensive but the food and drinks they sold was absolutely worth it. It wasn't that crowded once we got there, only two people standing in line... Nikki waited on a bench while I stood in line and while I was waiting, I noticed the board that listed the available food and drinks they had for sale. I was so tempted to also order a slice of apple pie or a bag of chocolate chip cookies... I noticed an apple pie in the display window, still fresh from the oven as the delicious scent was all around me... When I got my wallet and noticed how much cash I had on me, I did a quick math but I realized I didn't had enough. Nikki really enjoyed a good Latté Macchiato and I absolutely loved a Caffè Marocchino but I didn't have enough on me though... So when it was my turn, I ordered a Latté Macchiato for Nikki and a regular Caffé Creme for me. I told them it was to go so they had it served in paper cups with lids on it and placed it in a tray. I actually got kinda startled when I saw the price... Eight dinar seventy five for just two cups of coffee, which is fucking expensive... Or it might've seemed expensive, seeing as I'm a broke ass student with little income... Anyway, I paid the nice lady and received my change... After which, I turned around and went back to Nikki, who was still waiting for me on a bench up ahead. I handed her cup of coffee as she looked up to me...

'Here you go, Latté Macchiato.'

'My favorite... Thank you...'

'No problem...'

I sat down next to her and took a sip from my coffee, which wasn't a smart thing to do considering the coffee was hotter than the fiery depths of hell. So I carefully placed it back in the tray and let it cool off right next to me... Nikki still held her cup and I didn't understand how she could hold it. Even more amazing was that she took a small sip without ever to flinch... But after that, she placed it on the bench next to her to let it cool off... I guess it was too hot for her as well...

It stayed silent for another while as we just enjoyed the scenery... The campus wasn't that crowded and a bunch of people were sitting underneath the trees either studying or arsing around. The birds were singing, the sun was shining and it was a beautiful day... And yet things didn't seem right... What got my attention was a young couple sitting up ahead on the grass, enjoying a cold drink and studying together... When the girl nudged the guy's arm up as he drank, the guy spilled some while the girl started to laugh... But then he slid an ice-cube down her back and started to laugh his ass off when the girl shrieked... And right after that, the girl pounced on him once she managed to get rid of that ice-cube and they rolled around for a moment before they started to make out with each other... It's a whole different contrast compared to us and it reminded me how things could've been between Nikki and me... Nikki kept staring at them as well and must've thought the same thing...

'Ceylan...?'

'Hm?'

'Have you ever experienced a time in your life where you were care-free...?'

'No... But I've had my moments when I felt like that...'

'People make it seem so easy, don't they...?'

'It's because they found a way to set their problems aside and enjoy the things they've been given...'

'Have you found a way as well...?'

'Sort of... I try to move on and enjoy the little things...'

'Even when everything is falling apart...?'

'Especially then...'

'Heh... It's kinda funny because it wasn't until things started to fall apart, I got to know the real me... And it changed everything I knew about myself...'

'Maybe... But perhaps the things you didn't know about yourself might've always been a part of you instead... You just didn't found out until now...'

'It's just raising more questions to answer... Questions of which neither me or anyone else know the answer to...'

'Does it matter...?'

'What do you mean...?'

'I mean, would it matter if you'd find the answers to those questions...?'

'I think it would definitely help me understand...'

'But what if those answers aren't satisfying...? Wouldn't that raise even more questions...?'

'I suppose...'

'And if you're not able to answer any of those, then who will...?'

'No one... But... I-I just thought I had myself figured out a long time ago... But now, I feel as if I hardly knew myself, struggling to find a place and purpose in life...'

'There's nothing wrong with that...'

'I-I know but... I-I try my best and, heh... It never seems to be enough just to be myself...'

'Why is that...? What's wrong with being yourself...?'

'Nothing, I suppose... I'm just... Not everyone seems to like the idea that I'm, uhm...'

'Lesbian...?'

'Yes...'

'Are you afraid that people would judge you if you'd tell them you have feelings for other women...? Afraid of what your parents might think if you'd ever tell them...?'

'N-No, no, I-I, uhm... They wouldn't care enough about me to actually give it any attention... B-But that's a whole different story, so...'

'It's alright, I understand...'

'Thank you... But yes, it plays a part... I'm afraid that people would treat me differently if I'd tell them the truth about me...'

'The thing about other people is that it doesn't matter what you do... You'll get judged either way, whether it's good or bad... And the ones who don't support you don't deserve to have a place in your life... Because they want you to be someone they think you need to be... And if you'd accept that, you'd be living your life for others and not for yourself...'

'I know...'

'Your life will consist out of lies you keep telling yourself just to be the person other people want you to be... Is it that important to you to know what others think of you...?'

'Doesn't everyone want to know...? I mean, wouldn't you like to...?'

'Of course but to a certain extend... I mean, if someone doesn't like a particular dress I'm wearing, they can tell me that they don't like it but I'm not gonna change just because they've said so. I happen to like that dress.'

'Hehe...'

'It's a stupid example but you know what I mean, right?'

'I do, yes... But it's just that I don't want to be alone...'

'Is it that important to you to be accepted by others that you're willing to compromise yourself...?'

'Heh... Maybe...'

'You have to understand that I'm not criticizing you for who you are or the way you're feeling, Nic... Because you're beautiful and a good person and I know you mean well... But how can people accept you for who you are if you pretend to be someone you're not...? They'll never get to know the real you and you'll only be deceiving yourself while feeling miserable all along. You shouldn't be doing this to yourself because you deserve so much more...'

'I-I know...'

It stayed quiet for another when I noticed Nikki started to clam up again... So I gave her some time to catch her breathe again and took a sip from my coffee while Nikki followed my example... It all would've been better if I had a slice of apple pie or a bag of chocolate chip cookies though... Nikki looked at me for a moment and had a weak smile on her face... And then she just kept staring at the ground again...

'You know, Nic... A friend of mine used to get bullied when he was little. He was a perculiar little guy, short and fat and that didn't really go so well with the other kids. Needless to say, he had a pretty rough time at school.'

'Oh...?'

'Hm-mm... He didn't understand why the other kids were bullying him and became quite upset every time he came home, crying his eyes out. He didn't understand what made them act like that towards him or why no one wanted to be friends with him.'

'Heh...'

'It didn't matter if anyone stood up for him or not. If someone did managed to find the courage and defy them, they got picked on as well, simple as that.'

'If you can't beat 'em, join 'em...'

'Exactly... Now I always thought that they bullied him because he wasn't like them. But now I realize that the only reason why they bullied him was because he dared to be different. Despite all the bullying, all the shit he's been through, he still had the courage to be himself, no matter what the other kids might have thought of him, even though it brought him to tears every time.'

'He didn't care what others thought of him...'

'Precisely... He was so upset by all the hurtful things they've said to him day in, day out. But he didn't let them get to him. Because if he'd let them, they would've won.'

'How did he do that...?'

'They laughed at him because he was different... But he just laughed back at them because they were all the same...'

'Poor thing... Did he ever got over it...?'

'Yeah, eventually. Because he wasn't alone...'

'You were there for him...'

'Just as much as he was there for me when I needed him...'

'You mean you got picked on as well...?'

'I was, yeah...'

'Why...?'

'I honestly have no idea why they ever did... But I suppose it doesn't take much of a reason to get bullied. I mean, I'm a foreigner, a tigress, quite tall for a female, talk with a funny accent and had him as my friend... I guess there were plenty of reasons for them to pick on me as well... It even went as far to the point that he got beaten up and I got hit...'

'Wow... I didn't know...'

'So, yeah... You're absolutely right when you said that people have the tendency to be afraid of something or someone they don't know or understand... But that doesn't mean that you have to be afraid as well... It doesn't have to mean that you need to compromise yourself to satisfy those who want you to be someone you're not... People like to point it out to others so that everyone can see that you are not like them. Others will follow simply because they're afraid of getting in the spotlight themselves, afraid not to get accepted by those who judge others...'

'Heh...'

'My friend and I didn't need anyone else to accept us... We had each other and that's all that mattered to us, even though it hasn't always been easy... But that's exactly how always we got through...'

'I see...'

I took a sip from my coffee and even though it was just regular one, it was really good... Could've used a bit more sugar but couldn't be bothered to walk back just to get another satchel. When I looked at Nikki and could see that she was carried away in thoughts again... When she looked at me, I could tell that she wanted to ask me something but hesistated at first... Nevertheless, she eventually asked me after a long moment of silence...

'Ceylan...?'

'Yes?'

'Can I ask you something...?'

'Of course...'

'Were you ever afraid to get judged yourself if you ever came out...?'

'I was, yeah... I've known about my bi-sexuality for a long time now but it's always been part of me and that's why I never had any difficulties accepting myself for who I am... Taking showers in the women's lockerroom was highly uncomfortable for me and I was the only girl in high school without a boyfriend but other than that, I was perfectly fine with it...'

'Hehehe...'

'I always thought these feeling would dissapear eventually but now, twelve years later, I still feel the same about women and I knew I had to tell the truth sooner or later... And I was afraid that if I'd tell my family about it, it would change everything they've ever known about me...'

'But if you didn't tell them, they've never truly known you in the first place...'

'Exactly...'

'Was there ever a time where you felt ashamed about it...?'

'I've had many mixed feelings about my sexual orientation but I was never ashamed of it... Scared? Insecure? Confused? Definitely... Over the years, I've build up the courage to tell them and I came out to my friends and family. But not everyone liked my confession...'

'When you came out to your mother...?'

'... Yeah.'

'That couldn't have been easy for you...'

'No, it sure wasn't...'

'Heh...'

'The fights we had lasted for a while and the emotions ran very high... But things got worse and I couldn't stay home anymore... And I'll never forget when she told me I wasn't her daughter anymore... That was quite painful and uhm, heh... It still is when I think back... But nevertheless, I stayed who I am... I didn't let her tell me otherwise... I was no longer trying to help her understand me when she didn't bother to try to understand me... I wasn't pretending anymore to be someone I wasn't...'

'Have you ever managed to work things out with your mother...?'

'Eventually... My grandmother, my parents and I talked things out and even though it's still difficult for her to accept it, at least she's trying now... So it's something...'

'Heh... Why was she ever against it...?'

'I still don't know... I mean, she explained it but it didn't make any sense to me... It's ignorant to say that its not natural because who are we to decide what natural is...?'

'True... I suppose that we can only decide that for ourselves...'

'Exactly and my mother sure as hell can't decide that for me... But I guess only time will tell if she'll ever understand... I don't expect her to but still... Would make things a whole lot more easier...'

'Yeah...'

'See, the thing is... Its so much easier to have an opinion about someone rather than to try to listen and understand... But I trust that you know what the right thing is for yourself... You alone get to decide how you want to live your life and with whom you want to spent your life with. It's not up to others to decide that for you... The best way to accept yourself is by not giving a fuck about what others think of you when you're being yourself... It's your life to live, not theirs...'

I could see how Nikki got carried away in thoughts once those words started to sink in... Nikki's always been so thoughtful of others that she went way out of her comfortzone in order to keep people around her... That's never a good thing, no matter how well you mean... It's always you who'll end up being hurt... She knows that and yet she keeps on doing so... But I suppose that's what lonliness does to you... Nikki looked at me and sighed quietly...

'There are so many things that I can't place... So many things that don't seem to make any sense to me... I wish I could tell you so many things about me, Ceylan but... I don't even understand half of it myself... But it's not until recently that things start to make sense... And that's exactly what scares me...'

'It never scared you before, did it?'

'No...'

'So what exactly is different now that totally changed the way you feel about yourself?'

'It's, uhm... It's you...'

'... Me??'

'Yes...'

'What did I ever do wrong to make you feel this way...?'

'N-No, no, it's not like that...! It's nothing you ever did, it's just... Oh God... I didn't mean to sound like that...'

'Then what makes you say that...?'

'I just, uhm... It's always been complicated and... I want to explain in a way you'd understand but I'm scared that it'll change everything you know about me...'

'It already did, Nic... It's been going on for such a long time and you've changed so much that I hardly know you anymore...'

'Heh...'

'You got so caught up in your own depression and despair that I hardly recognize the girl I once fell in love with...'

'I know...'

'And now we've reached a point where you and I need to be totally honest against each other if we want to move on... And if we don't talk this out, I'll be gone out of your life sooner or later in order to do so.. The only difference is that you will still have so many things left to say when I'm gone and I don't, because I've already played my part in telling the truth... But you'll be left behind with so many things left to say when it's too late...'

'I feel that it's already too late...'

'It's not... Not yet... Because I'm still here...'

'Heh...'

'You're afraid that things may change if you'd tell me but that doesn't nessescarily have to be a bad thing, Nikki... Changes can be a good thing because it might help me understand... You know I won't judge you for whatever it is you did or didn't do... I'm not criticizing the way you feel... I just want you to feel better about yourself and get your life back on track again... And the only way for you to do that is to talk about it...'

'I know, I, uhm... I-I talked to Meagan about it when she caught me trying out her clothes and uhm...'

'You tried out her clothes?'

Nikki looked up surprised when she realized what she said. I guess she didn't mean to say it. Seeing as her face turned red while I just looked at her with a puzzled look. She really lost me, I had no idea what to make of this... Once Nikki said that, it stayed silent for a long time... And I think she realized that she couldn't take her words back...

'And shoes too... Like high heels and pumps and the like...'

'Okay, well... There's nothing wrong with that, is it...?'

'No, but it's, uhm...'

'I don't understand, Nic... Please, just tell me what's going on...'

Nikki sighed quietly when she realized she couldn't beat around the bush any more. And it's so exhausting to get her to talk about what's going on in her mind... I know she doesn't like sharing personal things, thinking that people may find it weird or something but this was just plain stupid... Being insecure about herself whenever she dresses like a girl... I mean, she IS a girl, why the hell would she feel so bad about something as stupid like that...? Even though I told her I wouldn't judge, I couldn't help to feel a little biased when I heard her say that and I tried my best not to show it... It seemed stupid enough because I just didn't understand how or why this would be such a huge issue for her... But then she started to explain in her own words... And it was something I never expected to hear...

'Have you ever felt that you were born inside the wrong body...?'

'No, I can't say that I ever did... Is that how you feel about yourself?'

'Not quite... I mean, I never really was the girly type but I'm just not comfortable around other women... Guys are so much easier to talk to and well, sharing mutual interests made me "one of the guys" in high school and all... I mean, how many girls love cars and women as much as the next guy, right...?'

'I wouldn't say it's uncommon, no...'

'Hehe...'

'Were you popular in high school?'

'I wasn't an outcast if that what you mean... In fact, it was actually the best time of my life... I had friends back then... Not a lot but almost of all them were guys and Meagan was the only girl I knew.. So yeah, I mean, I pretty much acted like a guy as well while I knew all too well that I'm female... Being surrounded by them gave me a lot of confidence and while they started dating other girls, I pretty much stayed behind...'

'So you already knew at the time that you're lesbian?'

'Yes...'

'Does that mean that you identify yourself as a male because you have feelings for other women?'

'Not quite... I feel more like a... A feminine male...'

'Wow, okay...'

'With the emphasis on male...'

'For acting like one...?'

'Mostly because of my interests and my feelings and I've always liked being "male"... But it's just that I, uhm... I often pictured myself as one... And I guess that always stuck with me because it makes me feel content about myself...'

'In what ways?'

'What do you mean?'

'In what ways do you picture yourself as a male...?'

'Everything... And I literally do mean "everything"...'

'I see...'

'You think it's weird, don't you...?'

'No, I don't think its weird... I can imagine you'd feel like this...'

'Heh...'

'I mean, I'm not actually much of a lady myself... I occasionally tend to act like one but I never felt the need to dress up like guys or anything...'

'You're more of a manly woman...'

'It's actually kind of funny because my friend always tells me I'm twice the man he is...'

'Hihi...'

'But I still don't understand why it feels wrong to you... Why would you care so much about what others may think of you?'

'It's not about what others may think of me... It's about how I see myself... Even though I often pictured myself as a male and I could relate to them in so many ways, other people would still see a female... And my bubble got burst every time they pointed that out...'

'How?'

'For example, when Terry had feelings for me back in high-school... I can't tell you how uncomfortable it made me feel... But luckily, he took it well...'

'But you never had any feelings back.'

'No... I never had a lot of friends but they were the best... But when I graduated high school, all of them started to live their own life and moved on... Terry was the only one who stayed in touch... And that was, uhm... Heh... I was alone all of a sudden when Terry started dating other women when he realized I was no longer an option but stayed my friend nonetheless...'

'I see...'

'Terry tried to hook me up with another girl and I actually had a date a four years ago, my very first but... Heh...'

'What happened?'

'I totally blew it for being too nervous... And I never attempted it again...'

'Oh...'

'But yeah, I mean... It's like I've always been in the wrong body... Whenever I look in the mirror and see myself, I can't help to think that...'

'Would you switch bodies with a guy if you could...?'

'I might, I don't know...'

'Did ever look at yourself in the mirror and asked yourself what you'd change about yourself...?'

'So many times, Ceylan... But whenever I do, I never know what I'd change...'

'But can you honestly look at yourself in the mirror and not be attracted to the woman you see before you...? Not just physical but mentally as well?'

'Heh... I never look at myself like that...'

'No one does... But sometimes, you'll have to in order find the answers about yourself...'

'Did you...?'

'I've had some issues with myself as well... And there once was a time where I looked at myself in the mirror and just loathed everything about myself...'

'Heh...'

'And my friend asked me that same question that made me think differently...'

'I see...'

'So yeah, it helps... You may not feel like a woman, but if you can look at yourself and feel content about it one way or another, then I guess that's all that matters...'

'The thing is, it's not so much about the way I look... It's about how others see me and how I should act towards them...'

'Heh...'

'I mean, I know you've been with other women before... And I tried so hard to get your attention by being someone I'm not...'

'You mean by trying to be female...?'

'Yeah... Because I knew that would be the only way for you to notice me because I knew you were attracted to females and well... We started off as friends first... But as I got to know you and after you came out to me, I realized you wouldn't judge me if I'd tell you about my feelings for you... But I also realized that I had to keep up the charade if I ever wanted the feelings to be mutual... You wanted a woman, not a man...'

'Heh...'

'So I did all these things that were way out of my comfort-zone until I no longer knew who I was and I just...'

'Broke down...'

'Yeah... I wanted to live up to your expectations and desires but I didn't know how I ever could without being in conflict with myself... I kept being tossed back and forth in being the female you wanted me to be and the male I thought myself to be... And I can't tell you how difficult it is to live with that...'

'And I made it worse...'

'No... That was just you, trying to find something that I never was able to give you... And I understand...'

'That doesn't make it right...'

'No but it was the right thing for you to do...'

'It sure as hell didn't felt like it... That's why I didn't go any further with her...'

'Heh...'

'But I can't change that...'

'No...'

'Was that the reason why you broke up with me...?'

'It wasn't... I had to let you go because I saw how I dragged you down with me... And I didn't want to because you were the only reason that kept me hanging on... And I knew that by letting you go, I'd make things worse for myself... But I saw how everything affected you so deeply... And if I wanted to give you a chance of happiness, I had to let you find it on your own... That's why I gave up on us... I gave up on us for you...'

'I see...'

'But once we broke up and I started to spiral down even more, I was still being tossed back and forth between being the woman you've always wanted me to be and the male I think myself to be... And I've kept up a charade for such a long time that no longer knew how I should feel about myself...'

'What did you do...?'

'I started to give it a try...'

'Being female...?'

'Yes... One day, when Meagan went off to work, I went over to her room and looked through her wardrobe... She has a lot of clothes and shoes...'

'So you started to try it on?'

'Yeah... And it was really weird for me to see myself in a miniskirt and high heels for the first time... To me, it felt like I was cross-dressing...'

'Did it made you feel weird because dressing as a woman made you feel like cross-dressing...?'

'No... It made me feel weird because I actually liked it... It still feels like I'm cross-dressing but that's exactly what I like so much about it...'

'Hehe...'

'So, uhm... That went on for a while and the more I visited Meagan's room to try out different clothes and shoes, the more I started to like it and the more I started to feel content about myself...'

'Until Meagan caught you trying on her clothes...'

'Yeeeeeah, that was very awkward as well...'

'How so?'

'Meagan told me that I could borrow some of her clothes if I wanted to but I was so embarrassed that I was "cross-dressing" in her room that I totally broke down... Meagan saw that and well, I couldn't really beat around the bush anymore and Meagan didn't know what caused me to be so upset... So Meagan and I talked about it but it still made me feel uneasy to go out in public like that, even though I wanted it more than anything...'

'What makes you feel so uneasy...?'

'Because I was afraid that other people would see a cross-dresser and not a woman... But it took me a while to realize that it's socially acceptable for a woman to actually dress as a woman...'

'There's nothing wrong with that...'

'No... And it feels so good to be able to do so without people raising an eyebrow at me...'

'Hehehe...'

'So uhm... Two weeks ago, Meagan took me to H&M to shop around for clothes... Now I've never been the one to shop around but I had a blast that day... I've spent four hundred dinar on clothes and shoes that day and trying them all on in public felt so great...'

'Does that make you feel better about yourself now that you can...?'

'Absolutely...'

'Well, that's the most important thing, isn't it?'

'Yes... So... There you have it...'

'It couldn't have been easy for you to tell me...'

'No, it sure wasn't... But I'm so glad you take it well...'

'I thought it was weird for you to feel uneasy to dress as a woman... But now that you've talked to me about it, it shed a whole new light on things that makes me understand why it makes you feel uneasy...'

'Yeah...'

'And that goes with everything... It doesn't matter how weird or insignificant you think your problems are to bother others with. It bothers you enough to clutter your mind and be affected by it so it definitely is significant for you to talk about it to someone.'

'I suppose...'

'And that someone doesn't have to be me if you'd rather talk to someone else instead. But all I want is for you to know that if you need me, I'll always be there for you.'

'Thank you...'

'Always... Communication is the key, Nic...'

'I've never been really good at that...'

'No but you have a fine taste in fashion. Did you pick it out yourself?'

'Yes, with some advice from Meagan.'

'I really like your outfit... And it's a shame to know that those heels are probably not available in my size...'

'Hihi...'

Nikki and I talked for another while about what was on her mind but there was nothing I haven't already heard before... And even though the things she told was just the tip of the iceberg, at least she was confident enough to tell me about it... She sighed in relief once it stayed silent for another moment... But when I looked at her again, Nikki had a genuine smile on her face the moment she faced me... Something I haven't seen in quite a long time... And it actually surprised me a bit...

'It's actually kind of stupid now that I think about it.'

'About what?'

'All these years I was afraid of something that shouldn't have been feared in the first place...'

'Like most things in life.'

'Exactly...'

'You just gotta see things from a different perspective.'

'And that's the hardest part...'

'It is... Which is why its so important to do things that you enjoy. It really helps to set your mind on other things.'

'That crossed my mind as well... I mean, I've had sessions with my social worker and talking to her really helped... She told me that I had to think about what makes me smile and act on it...'

'Like drawing?'

'Yeah, which is why I picked up my pencil again... I'm not doing much of a good job so far though...'

'Have you ever thought about uploading your pictures to an art community site?'

'So that others can see?'

'Yeah and they'll be able to give you feedback on which you can improve your skills.'

'I've thought about it but... I don't think I'm good enough.'

'Everyone has to start somewhere, I mean, there are drawings on those websites which don't look as good as yours and still get positive feedback.'

'I'll think about it...'

'No, I think you should just do it. Just submit a couple of your best drawings and see how people react on them. Get in touch with an art community site. You get to meet some like-minded people on the forums and talk about something you love doing the most.'

'Hehe... I might just do that then. I just need to find the time to really get into it.'

'Spring-break is coming soon though. You'll have a lot of time then.'

'Yeah, that's what I've been thinking about. Just go to the park on a sunny day and sit somewhere quiet on the grass to draw. It's a perfect setting...'

'Like that time in the woods, where you taught me how to draw...'

'Hehehe... I still have that, by the way...'

'Good! Keep it so that it reminds you that can't get any worse than me.'

'I will. I'll take my pencil and sketchbook with me when I go on my roadtrip. I'll have plenty of time then.'

'Roadtrip??'

'Yeah...'

'With whom??'

'I'll go alone. I'd take Meagan with me if she wasn't tied to her job.'

'How long will you be gone?'

'Two, maybe three weeks... It's something I used to do and I miss the freedom that it always gave me. The last one I've been on was four years ago...'

'You've mentioned that you used to do these kind of trips before... But, I mean... Alone...?'

'I've been thinking about it for the passed few days and I've decided that I have to go. I figured that I need time for myself and set my mind straight but I can't do that if I stay home. I know what you're thinking but I need to do this, Ceylan... I need to do this for myself...'

'If you feel that you need to do this, then you should definitely go. But I'm just a little worried that something might happen or...'

'I've had roadtrips on my own before and so far, all went well... I'll stay the nights at roadside motels or sleep in my car in residential area's. I'll be fine, Ceylan...'

'Alright... So... Where are you going?'

'I already planned a route. I'll head down south to San Mantégua first. From there, I'll head to Rotherham, following the A57 and the N206 to Nottingborough. From then on, I'll head to Westminster over the A4 and then follow the west coast all the way up north to Gillingham. From there, I'll ride east to Stanton on the A16 and definitely visit Salbury. From there, I'll make my way to Thornton, from Thornton to Whitby. And from Whitby, I'll make my way back to Ravello.'

'That's quite a trip.'

'It's roughly around thirty seven hundred kilometres to drive.'

'Wow... All that in just three weeks?'

'It'll be the longest roadtrip I've been on yet. Those are just the large cities I'll head to so there will be a lot of things to see along the way.'

'Hehe... You think your Cinquecento is up for it?'

'It hasn't let me down yet.'

'You've really set yourself on doing this, don't you?'

'Absolutely... I know you don't like the idea of me venturing on my own out there but I need to do this, Ceylan... I need this for myself...'

'I'm not going to stop you if you say you want to do this but... Be careful when you do, okay...?'

'I will.'

'And be sure to snap some pictures, there's a lot of beautiful places along the way.'

'Of course...'

'When will you leave?'

'I'll probably go on the twenty fourth of july, when everyone else is on vacation and the roads aren't as busy. On my last trip, I left early June and I've encountered more traffic-jams than I'd like... The worst of them all was on the A74 to Malmsbury... It took me four hours when I finally managed to get off the freeway...'

'Hehehe... I guess that's the downside on going on a road-trip...'

'Well yeah but this time I've got a navigation system, which also keeps me up to date with actual traffic info. Saw it on sale last week so...'

'Just promise me that you'll keep in touch when you go on your roadtrip, just to let me know that everything is alright.'

'I will...'

Nikki took a sip from her coffee and closed her eyes for a moment to savor the moment of her Latté Macchiato... She kept staring at me for a moment and when I faced, she smiled... But after a moment, she got up from the bench and made her way to the kiosk where I bought coffee earlier... A short while later, she returned and all of a sudden, she held a plastic plate in front of me, on which was a delicious slice of apple-pie... So I took it from her hands while Nikki smiled down on me, handing me a plastic fork...

'I believe this your favorite...'

'Oh, wow! Thank you, Nic...'

'You're welcome... I was starting to wonder why you didn't have any... It's always been the first thing you ordered whenever we went for a coffee...'

'I was going to buy one but I was a little short on cash...'

'Ah, that happens... Deliciousness comes at a price...'

'Yeah...'

'Perhaps I can, uhm... I mean, whenever you feel like coming over to visit, maybe I can bake an apple-pie for you...'

'I see that you've found my one and only weakness.'

'Food has always been your weakness.'

'Hehehe, true... But yeah... I'd love that, Nic... I really would...'

'Don't expect too much from it though, it'll be my first time baking an apple-pie...'

'I've always loved your cooking, even when you didn't...'

'Hihi...'

'I'm a disaster in the kitchen so I'm not even going to try to attempt baking stuff myself... Last time I made pancakes, I managed to set off the fire-alarm...'

'Oh dear, what happened?'

'I got distracted by my phone...'

'Ah... Hihi..'

Time went by so fast while I was with her that day... We sat there and kept talking for another while until the two of us realized it was half passed five... I checked the bus schedule to see what time my bus would arrive but it would be another half an hour before it got here... Nikki and I said goodbye to each other and I started to make my way to the busstop while Nikki walked over to her car on the parking lot... She stopped half way and turned around to face me... I waved at her and she gave a little wave back... But then she told me to wait and started to walk towards me instead... When I saw her approaching, I stopped and headed her way instead... She looked at me the moment she stood before me and had a weak smile on her face...

'I can give you a ride if you want...'

'Really? It's on the other end of town, not even near your place.'

'It's no problem, I'll be happy to.'

'You sure?'

'Yeah, of course! You can either wait here for half an hour or I can get you home by the time your bus arrives.'

'I suppose that makes sense...'

'What happeend to that little Seat of yours anyway?'

'My friend borrowed it, he had a job interview today.'

'Oh, I see. Hope it went well for him.'

'I hope so too.'

'Alright, lets go.'

I remember Nikki didn't have a big car but when I sat in her Ciquecento after such a long time, I got reminded just how small it actually is... Sitting next to Nikki in the passenger seat was was rather cramped and I struggled a bit to buckle up my safety belt. Once I moved the seat all the way back, I started to get a little more comfortable. And with that, the two of us drove off...

Along the way, Nikki and I started talking again, pretty much about where we left of... By the time we entered my street, Nikki parked her car across the street in front of my house... I already unclipped the buckle of my safety belt and even though the car was still running stationary, Nikki wasn't intending to drive off any time soon just yet... She looked at me and had a weak smile on her face...

'Listen, Ceylan... Uhm... I wanted to thank you...'

'For what...?'

'That you took the time to talk to me... I can't say how difficult it was for me but it couldn't have been easy for you as well...'

'Heh...'

'I know I still have a long way to go and I know it will take a lot of time for me get my life back on track... But seeing you and talking to you like old times has done me real good... I'm so glad that despite everything that happened between us, you're still here for me...'

'Always...'

'And I hope that this can be the start of something new...'

'What do you mean...?'

'A fresh start... Either as friends or... Heh... I hope that you and I will find our way back to each other one day...'

'Do you still have feelings for me...?'

'I do... Not as strong as it once used to be but it's still there nevertheless... And I can't tell if it's mutual...'

'I can't say, Nic... I really can't simply because I don't know...'

'Heh...'

'We've both had to work things out for ourselves and doing so takes time... So I'd rather not want to think about it just yet... I just don't want to give you false hope when things turn out differently than you've expected...'

'I understand...'

'So go on your roadtrip and live a little... Find yourself and the time it takes to straighten things out... Enjoy the things that you've been given and live a good life, Nic... That's all there is to it...'

'I will...'

'Good... Thank you for bringing me home... Maybe you and I can hang out any time soon again if you want to...'

'Yeah, I'd really like that...'

'Alright...'

'Oh, by the way...'

'What...?'

'When I said I had things to do at home, I wasn't making up an excuse to get away from you... I really do have some laundry to do... But I'm glad you talked me out of going home and do my chores...'

'You've always been the neat-freak, I'm surprised you haven't done them already...'

'Hihi...'

'Anyway, uhm... I've got to go...'

'Yeah, yeah, me too...'

'Soooo... Be careful on your way home and take care, alright...?'

'I will...'

'Thanks again for me taking me home...'

'No problem...'

I didn't just got out of the car just yet... There was this awkward silence for a moment and when the two of us looked at each other, Nikki started to giggle quietly as her face turned red... I couldn't help to smile when I saw that...

'This is kind of awkward...'

'Is it...?'

'I mean, I don't know if I should hug you, kiss you or shake hands or...'

'Shaking hands seems a little too formal, doesn't it...?'

'Yeah, yeah it does...'

'Let's settle for a hug then...'

The moment I leaned over and held her close, I saw the surprised look on her face just before I closed my eyes and rested my head on her shoulder... And it took a moment for Nikki to realize what was going on but once she placed her hands on my back, she gave me a firm cuddle and sighed quietly... I took a deep breathe and the scent of her coconut wax she uses in her hair felt intoxicating... It reminded of all the good things that we had... And in just a split second, all of these things flashed by before me... Beautiful things that once was part of me... And I could already feel my face turning red the moment I looked her in the eyes and saw that beautiful smile of hers... Looking in her eyes gave me butterflies in my stomach if only for a short moment... Not as much as it once was whenever I saw her but it was still there nevertheless... Perhaps it never left... Perhaps these feelings for her were surpressed in order not to hurt myself, languishing away as time went on... But whatever it is, it got sparked again after such a long time... Because even though it was only for a brief moment, I saw something in her that day that felt familiar... Something genuine, honest and sincere every time she looked at me... That day, I saw something of the girl I once fell in love with...