FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

The sun slipped through a window in the bedroom, a thought coming on, today seems like a good day to try and be normal. From a collection of sheets and pillows he sat up, eyes still open from just a few hours ago. His alarm was just about to ring when he shut it off with a sigh, never having really gone fully to sleep, except perhaps a few choice lucky times in the night when his loud thoughts couldn't keep him from passing out. Checking his phone by his pillow, he saw that he had nothing planned for the day, and no responsibilities to fulfill. No classes, no work, and homework was at an all time low thanks to his drive to get things done in class where questions could be answered, but this could only mean he was stuck with the responsibility of making a decision of what to do with his own free time. He could go outside and just literally smell the roses, but going outside was always something he disliked, not for straining his body, but rather the buzzing at the back of his head told him that people were frightening things ready to pounce upon his every mistake and flaw. Well, he could call up a friend, but perhaps they would be busy and find his sudden call annoying, or desperate. Without really realizing it he spent a few hours sitting there thinking of all the possibilities for the morning, the day, the evening, the night and what he would be doing to prepare himself for bed. Realizing a bit too late that he had been stuck in the typical loop he flung the covers from his body and stepped over and out of his bed to take a deep breath and silence the mental white noise for just a bit. Maybe taking a shower would freshen the mind, freshen the body and clear his head for a bit of actual thought, or he'd slip and hurt his butt, that would be kind of funny though.

The sound of his bare steps padded along quietly on the carpet before hitting the tile of his bathroom, his ruby eyes focusing on the sink mirror as he checked himself. He was still alive and all together even though the lack of sleep was starting to wear on him a bit, well, he looked as usual in the mornings. His black fur was a mess, white furred digit coming to feel under his eyes where he could swear he felt literal bags. One white ear, one black ear, both of them twitched as he scratched at either or once, a shower wouldn't hurt. Even if he wasn't too normal in the head, he could at least pride himself on the fact that he took care of his body, even if was more out of habit than actually an internal desire to live a healthy life. Commonly he ignored the little nagging at the back of his head that told him it was useless to prep and dress the self for no reason, and today was no different as he stripped to get ready. Shower water came on cold at first to wake him up, and he stood in it bracing himself and allowing it to shake him, thoughts becoming muted by the sudden chill of ice cold water that slowly turned warm, take that irrational thoughts, a blast of cold water would do well to remind them to stay rational, or not. As he stood there underneath the showerhead he gave thanks to the fact that his family helped with rent and were supportive enough when he needed a bit extra to survive, but as of late that had been happening less. His tech support job during the week was starting to pay more and more as time flew by, but then the a thought occurred that he was still a burden to his family even after leaving his home.

Even though warm water trickled down upon him, his eyes shut and he shuddered trying to force the thought away. He was close to being fully independent, and even if it was in a small apartment that creaked in strange ways, it would be good for him, but again he heard that voice, that buzz telling him that it wasn't enough, that he shouldn't have ever needed their help in the first place to be independent. Taking a deep breath he began to wash himself step by step trying to allow routine to take over his thoughts, which for a moment it did, and at least he could revel in the fact that he hadn't given in to going to a therapist, although, was that a good thing or a bad thing?

Go out, go out, go out; he told himself again and again as he dried off, as he stepped out of the bathroom to find something to dress in, and as he thought of what to do. Keeping himself busy would keep those stagnating negative thoughts away, and his stomach grumbling pushed him to think of someplace to go. With that buzzing, tickling heat at the back of his head he figured he could go out to grab something to eat at his favorite cafe, perhaps the only place that he ever went out to, so much so that they knew him there, although going outside was frightening, most of the people there at the cafe knew him and it was a quiet place hidden behind a few buildings in town. There would be nothing to be stressed about even if some part of him were trying to constantly push him towards staying home and doing nothing. He could just rush past all the crowds on the sidewalk, it was only a few blocks down after all, nothing bad would happen in a few short steps, nothing bad every happened, it was only his mind that made him think of it.

Again he distracted himself with routine, searching through his closet for plain blue jeans and a long sleeved black shirt, something that would keep him from the cold, but at the same time wouldn't be too stuffy inside of the cafe. He counted each of his jeans, taking a blue pair that had a bit of fray, but that only made him smile a bit. Getting dressed he needed another distraction, but already his mind was wandering. He'd have to go out and spend a bit of money, even if the cafe was cheap, and he should be saving to pay rent himself and get away from relying on his family and burdening them, he also might panic in front of people which would only make going to that place uncomfortable, and so many other thoughts began to swarm around, but he noticed early and took a deep breath. He wanted to go out, he wanted to be normal for one day, and that was when he heard it begin.

At the window of his room he heard the soft taps of rain hit. His ears perked and a small smile raised upon his lips. Such a simple thing was so beautiful to him, and he could focus on it. The rain began so gently, a drizzle with barely any noise, but then it grew harder, tapping and rapping at his building until he could barely hear the thoughts at the back of his head. He grabbed his phone, his wallet, and put them in his pockets gingerly before grabbing an umbrella. Almost with a bounce in his step he made his way to the door, glad that no one was in the hallway. He locked his apartment, keys tucked away safely in a pocket, his mind still focused on the rain he could hear from inside. Rushing down the steps he even ignored a few of his neighbors that said their hellos and goodbyes before popping open the door leading outside.

The first thing that hit him was the smell of the rain, the sound a beautiful thing to his ears and senses as he brought his umbrella up to protect his head. If wet fur and clothing wasn't such a hassle he'd perhaps go to that cafe without the umbrella at all. Even as he walked underneath the drowning noise of the rain, the back of his head still burned with the screaming thought that he was still outside and among other people, but with the rain it wasn't enough to keep him from walking, to keep him from smiling while doing so. It felt pleasant to walk among the rain, to ignore any crowds that were passing by simply because he could focus on some sort of noise that soothed him. A few blocks down he got to where he wanted, smacked between two buildings an alleyway that looked far scarier than it actually was. He took careful movements on the slippery steps leading down to his destination, a silent thank you sounding off from his lips to the rain that gave him distraction enough to arrive.

Folding his umbrella he sighed and opened the door, stepping inside of the cafe and bristling at the feeling of changing temperatures, from cool to slightly warm. The dimly lit cafe only had a few tables and a bar, and only a few people sat around at the tables. Most of them turned their heads and smiled just a bit, some waving including the large scar eyed tawny colored feline cafe owner with a name he couldn't even begin to pronounce, even if it made him feel a bit uncomfortable to be regarded by so many. He took a breath and waved back heading to the bar to order himself a simple sandwich and a lemonade. At first he would always force himself to drink coffee, because he didn't want to be weird, but caffeine was a blight on his system, making him jittery, itchy and far too crazy for his own good, anxiety flaring just from a little sip. Eventually the cafe owner noticed and simply began offering him other things with a bit of force. It was nice having someone make the decision, and even nicer that the owner of the cafe knew exactly when to talk and when to let things rest.

Currently he noticed that he was the only one there at the bar, which felt nice, but at the moment when he was feeling so comfortable and for once at some sense of peace, he wished that he had someone to talk to. Looking around while waiting for his order he noticed a few familiar faces, but all of them were in their own groups. There were a few loners he didn't recognize, even some literal shades by the corner with bright yellow eyes and permanent scowls on their faces. Shades weren't terrible really, they were actually nice people after getting to know them if a bit enigmatic, but that still didn't stop the normal fear that most people shared of them, and the extra fear of meeting new people certainly didn't help. With a sigh he simply turned to see his plate and cup were there, but he had also turned to see a bright white furred rabbit with black beads on her wrist and a baby blue dress sitting next to him, her eyes bright and green and focused on him, her elbow upon the bar top and her chin resting upon the palm of her paw. His heart froze, his eyes widened for a bit and his tail frizzed. Had she been sitting there the entire time? Was she watching him? Just sitting there waiting for him? Such a rush of emotions brought upon by such a simple appearance, and yet he did his best to remain as calm as possible on the outside, after all he had just been wishing for a bit of conversation and company, but still perhaps it was better to just leave.

Before he could make an excuse; one of which he had perhaps a thousand running through his mind, she spoke up first in a chipper voice, "Come here often?"

It was said with a certain humor that made him think that she was either making fun of him, or just trying to make a joke. He opened his mouth for a moment dumbfounded trying to communicate that, 'yes, yes he did come here often.' But instead he rubbed at the back of his head and looked back at his plate and spoke in a quiet tone rambling, "Not too often, well, every other week...Maybe? Hard to keep track sometimes."

Rather than make a noise of disgust or taunt him, she giggled, a bell like noise that filled his ears with a certain amount of joy, while at the same time his own mind began encroaching upon itself with a fiery apprehension and fear, "Relax, I'm not here to bite you...Just thought you might want some company...Y'know I can leave if you want...?"

For a moment he thought of taking that opportunity and saying yes, but instead he thought of how simply kind it was that she had even thought to offer and to make him feel better and that her own voice sounded somewhat down when she had mentioned leaving. Rather than allowing the nagging at the back of his head to get a hold of him he blurted out without thinking, "No wait, I'd like your company." He felt his cheeks flush fiercely, but he spoke again to try and correct his mistake, "I just meant...I don't mind you being here and talking sounds just fine."

Again that bell like giggle came on, her eyes focusing on a small cup of coffee she held before she began, "Well, let's chat then. Name's Lily, yours?"

His name? He hadn't expected her to be so blunt, nor for her to ask his name so quickly. She seemed a bit too forward when it came to conversation, but that was just him being a frightened kitten. Rather than allow his fear to take hold he spoke before his mind could catch up to the situation, "Frey. Nice to meet you."

For a moment Frey and Lily sat there in silence, the rabbit he had just met sitting next to him with her ankles crossed and a big smile on her face. She seemed to be the brightest thing in the room to Frey, almost as if she were illuminating the dimly lit cafe. Before too long he realized that he was staring, his eyes turning sharply to his food to take hold of it and bite before he could say anything stupid even though his stomach was churning a bit. Lily had noticed the staring but simply chuckled and shook her head, "...You know, I think you look nice too, but you don't see me staring too much. I don't mind, though you seem kind of mousey for a cat. Tell me about yourself, you did want to chat right?"

Swallowing down bits of sandwich he stared at his plate for a moment, thinking about what to talk, about what to say, about what to say and talk about after that to the point where he got into his typical loop of not being able to say a thing, but she only waited there patiently for him to say something anything. Finally he spoke up, only to apologize and begin again, "I'm sorry, I'm just, a bit nervous around people. Really, it's only chance that I'm out here but um, let me try this again. My name is Frey, a local college student living in a small apartment, I don't really have much to say about myself though, but I'm kind of interested in you since you seem so...Bright and chipper."

Frey smiled a bit as he looked to the rabbit. He was surprised to see that she was still sitting there smiling as big as possible, her eyes bright and wide, "Oh? You're interested in me? That's nice of you to say...But I'm kind of in the same situation. Small apartment, sucky college life, and I'm not too good at meeting people, but uh, for other reasons."

Frey tilted his head, not really registering what she was talking about, and so bluntly without thinking he spoke on, "You seem nice, and pretty confident in your speech too, can't be that bad at meeting people."

Frey smiled a bit when Lily snorted a bit of a chuckle at his words, he wasn't sure why it was funny, but at least he had made her laugh, "No...Frey, this might sound strange I guess, but I'm too pushy, I like getting right in people's lives right from the get go...Like, right now I'm fighting not asking if I can spend the night your place and read your diary..."

Frey's ears went up at that. He could understand now why she would have trouble meeting people, but it still didn't seem so bad, perhaps she was a bit pushy, but she seemed nice enough, but appearances were deceiving, perhaps she could just want to come to his apartment to rob him, or maybe she was just being playful, either way he sighed and took a breath to steady himself before continuing on with the conversation, "Well...On appearance alone I can say that I'd take that offer...Except maybe the diary...But just really to chat more, not because I want to, y'know, for the first time we meet, that wouldn't be right and I haven't had my own first with anyone really just yet I uh--."

As he continued on he realized more and more that he was flustering himself and embarrassing himself in front of a new possible friend, until he felt a soft digit upon his lips, "Shhhh...Frey...Friendship before anything else sounds great...Although...I have to admit that I was hoping to get in your pants, I'm not exactly shy, though I guess I'd have to ask if you're okay with trans..."

Frey paused, his flustered speech gone as he sat there dumbfounded that she had actually wanted to have sex with him, that she was physically attracted to his being. It was such an odd thing to him that he froze for a bit too long. Panic, excitement and so much more swirled around in his head and met at his heart and stomach forming a storm, but as he looked to Lily his thoughts were broken when he noticed Lily's ears drooping her digits fidgeting upon her coffee, a familiar look in her eyes, and so he spoke in a soft tone a firm but shaky hand touching hers gently, "Doesn't matter to me...And we can talk about that if you want."

Lily said in a voice nearly as soft and as shy as his for once, "Maybe at your place?"

Frey nodded, a silent agreement as they both turned to their drink and food. On the outside Frey had seemed so confident and assured in his answer, and in truth he didn't really care about what was underneath her clothing, but the sheer fact that he had touched her had filled him with both a sense of dread and excitement, along with the notion that he was going to be making a friend, a friend that was coming over to his home after they finished what little lunch they had! His apartment was prepared, wasn't ready for anyone to visit, and yet if he told her no it could send the wrong message, it could make it seem like he didn't want to talk, didn't want to get to know her better, and what if she tried for sex? He wasn't even sure if he should even think about that right now, but she had brought it up that she was attracted to him. Shivering a bit he felt her hand touch his shoulder his head jolting as he heard her voice, "Are you okay Frey?"

Frey looked into her eyes for a moment, saw the concern there, saw the fact that she actually cared, and whether or not it was fake or whether or not it would last didn't matter, he toughened up for that moment and smiled, "Yeah, I'm fine. We can um...Watch some trashy movies if you're into that sort of thing."

She suddenly grinned and grabbed at his shoulders, "Trashy? Like...Absolutely terrible low budget movies that no one in their right mind would like? Yeah I'd love that! Y'got a TV right? If not we can head to my place after picking them up at your place...Oh uh...If that's fine with you."

Frey just chuckled, ignoring the heat at the back of his head and the pit of his stomach, "I've got TV I barely use...And an old tape player."

With that said the pair stood from their stools and paid, Lily paying for both even though Frey felt terrible about such a thing, "You're treating me to some terrible movies, how could I not pay for us both?"

With a frown Frey accepted this and took his umbrella as Lily took up her purse. At that moment he was walking walking side by side with a girl he had just met, his head flooded with all the terrible things that could happen, but for that moment it didn't matter, he was happy being around someone he could call a friend, and he knew eventually those thoughts would go away with more time spent. Underneath the rain and his umbrella they walked, Lily pulling the umbrella away and letting the light drizzle drop between them, Frey not minding one bit as they allowed the sound of rain to drown out any worry or concern that he might've had.

At home they sat at his old patchy couch with bright eyes behind safe walls, their eyes glued to the television screen as a terrible movie played on, both of their bodies huddled close together with a towel curled around both their necks. Between them he felt her paw feeling over his, gripping gently, her entire body leaning to his as she giggled and occasionally snorted at the screen before him. It was nerve wracking to have her so close, and yet so right. His eyes were entirely focused on her, his mind fluttering with various negative thoughts. With so much mental noise he couldn't concentrate on the movie, couldn't find himself focused on anything else but the stranger he had brought home right next to him, a stranger who he was processing as a friend. A friend, that was this rabbit sitting next to him, a friend and someone he could trust and let his guard down. When he broke out of his thought cycle he noticed that she had been staring back, her eyes half-lidded. His own cheeks flaring he recoiled his head just a bit on instinct, but she leaned in confident and planted a soft kiss on his lips. Frey's eyes widened and his heart fluttered, his mind screaming, but it was nothing compared to the warmth he felt from the sudden contact. He very suddenly pulled her into a soft embrace, closing his eyes as they embraced and shared a kiss, her touch pushing away the negative thoughts like the rain. When their lips parted, both Frey and Lily say there flustered, but now both concentrated on the movie. Surprisingly enough Frey was the first to speak among the pair, "We should probably shower off sometime...Can't stay cold and dripping under towels forever..."

Lily looked to him with sparkling eyes and she smiled, "At the same time?"

Without thinking, without wanting to think and just wanting to enjoy the moment between he blurted, "Yeah! Definitely, sounds great."

Lily then felt over his paw gently, "Don't force yourself Frey...I already get the feeling you're pushing yourself."

Frey slumped, sighing as he leaned back against the couch, "Yeah...But I'd rather not waste this and let what shouldn't bother me, bother me...You're a beautiful girl sitting here next to me and even if you're just a friend you're interested in something...Even if it is a little more, and so am I...I just want to be normal."

Lily's grip upon his paw tightened and she leaned her head against his, her eyes shut, "Thanks...I don't feel pretty too often, but I think I can trust those words...If it makes you feel better you seem pretty normal to me if a bit goofy, and I know the feeling." For a while they stayed like that, outside the rain rapping against the building, white noise sounding off as the tape finished. At least it was a start.