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I can't possibly imagine seeing myself among the crowds, at least not alive and well. I am at all times outside of my comfort zone and for all purposes a ghost. I cannot be seen or heard by any single person or thing and I'll be just fine, or at least that is what I tell myself every time I feel the fear seize hold of my body outside of closed walls, or inside depending on the count of people. I shouldn't be seen and shouldn't be heard is what I feel, I can't stand to feel someone looking at me, to hear their voice booming and referring to me, and yet it isn't because I hate other people, I'm only just scared, of something I'm not really sure. Maybe I made a mistake, maybe I'm always making a mistake, maybe my existence is that mistake. Every day from the college campus I walk to the bus stop because I can't afford the price to drive, it isn't about money, but about life. Whenever I see a door that will lead me to a place with other people, like the door from the college building to the campus itself, I freeze for just a moment and try to remember that nothing bad will ever happen, that I'm not the focus of the world's attention and that no one will do anything to me; it never helps to alleviate how I feel as soon as I take the first step. In what feels like a year, but only a few seconds, I try to make myself numb, to dull the fear and chaos that circles around, but the results only ever happen on the outside. On the inside everything is still the same, and so I walk outside hoping to be like a ghost; never seen and never heard.

My first few steps are easy, and strange as it sounds, I'm counting them which helps. One two three four and more and there I go. I'm walking among the crowd outside even if there is not a single soul near me, and my heart is pumping at a million beats a second, and yet on the outside I'm cold, a stoic frown and bright eyes just show that I'm a person who just doesn't want to talk, and that is kind of okay, but maybe sometimes I do want to talk; to the person sitting over there by the bench who seems to be reading something interesting, to that one guy laughing at a joke, but I can't. Once I hit the actual crowd it feels like I'm in a hotbox. Voices are blurred into a loud buzz that never seem to stop, and all that noise just seems to swirl around me and make it harder to breathe. Every person feels so close, far too close, even though no one is even touching shoulders with me, even though I'm just in a small town not the big city. I just notice that the crowd isn't even that big, it's only a few people walking on the sidewalk headed to the bus stop, but the momentary respite ends when a ringing in my head reminds me that a few is still too much, that opening my mouth could open me to so much, and that making one mistake could be so fatal, even if I don't really believe any of that.

Before I know it I'm right before the bus stop, the sign is up like a big red beacon, even though it is green. The glass case is there where people gather and sit and talk with one another or don't; to me it looks like an arena ready for combatants to battle. I make this mistake and decision everyday, I pause and think and begin to make a list of pros, of cons, and more about getting on the bus versus just walking home, "Well, if I get on then there will be more people in a tightly compacted environment. They might be more likely to look at me, hear me, bump into me, and I may make a mistake I may step on someone I may trip I may do this I may do that--" And that is when I notice my ultimate mistake has been made yet again. Rather than simply go to the bus stop to get on the bus and save myself the hassle, I waste time thinking and thinking and thinking and pondering and struggling, and there goes the bus going towards my apartment complex without me, a few miles away and so I feel my throat tighten up as I internally curse everything...about myself. All my fault and no one else's, what a terrible feeling, but I can't and shouldn't feel right now, I can't and shouldn't hear anything, because I should just be numb and dead instead of feeling too much..

I shut my eyes and take a short breath hoping no one notices and begin to walk. It isn't so far away, I'll just need to stay positive and keep walking. I can already feel that I'm so tired from the day, from pretending to be normal at college and from everything else that my own mind and body throw at me, but I can't stop, I'm not allowed to stop, and I won't allow myself to stop. Instead, I think to myself, "I should just ignore these things, I shouldn't feel so much." I just keep walking through the crowds, even though they are thinning. I avoid everyone with as much dexterity as I can manage, ignoring carts selling food calling out for me, trying my best not to freak out about accidental bumps with strangers, and keep on walking with curt apologies and bows even if it was just the slightest of brushes. Everyone's voice is so loud all at once, the buzz of the crowd is getting harder to ignore, but I just shut it all out, it hurts to think, and it hurts to hear, but on I go and I somehow manage to just become fully numb. Finally some sense of peace.

I am dead as I walk through the crowd, as I walk alone, and as the sun begins coming down. It feels like a few minutes as my mind races through every little possibility that could happen, but at the same time I'm numb like a ghost so I can't feel it at all or hear those thoughts even though they are always there. I've succeeded in what I wanted, and I'm ignoring it all. If I could, I'd cry, because of how right it is to just not notice, to just not feel. Every step I take I can't even notice the random stranger passing me by, the voices, but the constant buzz is still there, but I can still ignore that. I can feel and hear that heat at the back of my head, but I still ignore it. Ignore it all and it'll be fine, I just need to get home, and when I'm there I'll be safe to be myself, safe to feel again, and be alive, to not be a ghost among the crowds.

What seems like such a short walk because I'm not keeping track of time, turns out to be such a long walk, the sun almost fully down. I'm in my apartment complex and right at my door, ready to get inside and end the day, without really realizing it and I take a step inside. I stumble and nearly fall over as it all comes back to me, my head suddenly rushes with heat and pain and I shut my eyes tight and close the door. I was never a ghost, I was never immune to pain or those voices, but I pretended, pretended so hard because I wanted to be that way I wanted to be numb, but now I'm feeling it all double, just like every single day and here I am at home where I am safe, feeling so tired and feeling so shocked, but something else is terribly wrong. Bathroom. I rush to the bathroom and wretch in the toilet because of the flood of emotions that make my stomach swirl like a hurricane, I wipe my mouth and shake, going to brush my teeth. I might be at home, but the walls are thin, my neighbors probably heard every little bit of that. No doubt my neighbour would knock at my door and ask me if I was okay, but maybe I wanted that. My neighbor was a good friend after all that I trusted, but maybe right now it would be best if I just took a break and ignored anyone who knocks and anyone who calls.

Brushing finished I don't even know if I want to eat, I just know that I need to rest, that I need to recover, but I push myself to do it anyway, cooking is fun after all. Is it too late to cook? I check the time and it isn't too late, and so I preheat the meat and begin the process. Cut, prepare, season, step by step I begin a process that takes me through something oddly comforting. By the time I'm done I feel a bit better, but only eat a little, everything else is stored and I gravitate to my bed, even though it isn't so late. I sit there for a while on the bed, I don't even want to sleep, I just need to sit, sit and stare at the wall while I remember every emotion that I ignored. Tomorrow would be another day, another mistake of trying to be like a ghost. Maybe someday I could try stopping, maybe someday I'd win that battle. For now I checked my cellphone, no missed calls, and it was only nine. I had an entire evening to do something, anything at all. I didn't have homework and I didn't have any chores to do around the house. I could go to the bar, or maybe call one of my few friends for some plans, but going out again seemed like such a fearful prospect and I didn't like to drink alcohol, so what was the point in that? So the pants come off and I sit upon my bed cross legged and take out my laptop to begin playing games, reading, writing, anything to escape from what I consider living.

Tick tock, tick tock I don't even have a mechanical clock. It's getting very late. The laptop shuts down, set aside and the covers come up. I can't believe I spent all that time doing very little, and tomorrow would be another day; what a terrible thought, but as I lie there I just stare up at the ceiling as usual thinking more about what could happen and what will happen tomorrow. I should be sleeping and my alarm is set for so early since I need to get up to be an actual functioning person for once, but whether I have something to do or not the next day doesn't matter, the night is filled with thoughts of the next day and the next day and the next week and the next year. A little voice calls out, tomorrow will be better, followed by a strange chorus of laughter. I wonder if maybe I'm going crazy and then I actually snort and chuckle to myself aloud, because I simply remember, I am crazy. Living is difficult, but I need to do it, or else everyone would be disappointed with me, and that wouldn't be okay. I can't worry anyone else, and I can't exactly ask for help, but only because that would put a burden on someone else. At my pillow I check my phone and realize that it is only a few hours until I have to get up. I sigh and close my eyes, trying to at least force myself to rest, even if it is just a little bit. I need every little minute and second of sleep I can get to keep on living.