Quest for the Wolf's Ass Chapter 4
#4 of Quest for the Wolf's Ass
Author's Note: Thanks to all my friends, watchers, and viewers. You guys rock! Greatly influenced by houndlover56's Amazing Race and Gainer's Paradise series.
Quest for the Wolf's Ass Episode 4
Previously on Quest, our contestants were subjected to a challenge that seemed straight out of Project Runway: make a coat for Stash inspired by sweets. The Four Lucky Bastards won yet again and after a tough decision, Stash decided to send Dieter home. Who will get to play with Stash's ass and who will get sent home? Find out here on Quest for the Wolf's Ass!
In the living room, The Unfortunate Five, who really should be called the Unfortunate Three at this point, gathered for yet another team meeting.
"I'm gonna miss Dieter", Heissman said.
"You barely knew him", Sal said.
"All of us barely know each other. Seriously, most reality shows give you more time between challenges", Mac said.
"True", Sal said, "I'm glad I didn't get eliminated today. Better Dieter than me", Sal said.
"Don't forget, you messed up that coat too Sal", Mac said.
"Whatever", the skunk replied.
"I think we should change our team name. I'm thinking 'The Living Room Boys'", Mac said.
"Sounds good to me", Heissman said.
"Fine. Our current name is outdated anyway", Sal said.
Upstairs, The Bastards were having their own team meeting.
"We're totally gonna win this competition", Tommy said.
"Don't get too cocky Tommy", Oscar warned.
"Why not? We've won every challenge thus far. I don't see why we'll lose now", Tommy said.
Oscar and Nick rolled their eyes at Tommy and went back to watching TV.
The next day the contestants gathered for another meeting with Stash.
"Good morning you handsome furs. Before we start the next challenge, I have an announcement to make. The Unfortunate Five have officially changed their name to The Living Room Boys. Good idea guys. Now that that's out of the way, it's time for you to find out what your next challenge is. Nick, since you won the last challenge, you get to open the envelope", Stash said, handing him the envelope.
"'Fill me up: Each team must make a delicious dish using any ingredients they want. The team with the best dish wins'", Nick read.
"You will ge given one hour and a $200 budget to shop at Price Chopper. The bus is waiting for you outside. Good luck boys", Stash said with a wink.
The contestants piled onto the bus and rode down to Price Chopper. Once they arrived, the contestants hurried into the store. Sal instantly knew what he was going to make.
"I say we make him my homemade Spaghetti with marinara sauce. It's an old family recipe that has never failed to please. We'll win for sure", Sal said.
"Too common. I say, we make my mom's homemade pineapple and blueberry pie with whipped cream", Mac said.
"Hell no, pineapple boy. Desert is nice, but it's not going to make us win", Sal said.
"Why not?", Mac said.
"Because on every cooking challenge I've seen on TV, no one wins with a dessert unless it's a bake-off", Sal said.
"But spaghetti is so common. It's too expected. There's a good chance the other team will make it too", Mac said.
"No one can make a better spaghetti and marinara than me and my family!", Sal exclaimed.
"Oh please. Spaghetti is spaghetti", Mac said.
"The secret is in the sauce. If your sauce is bad, you're fucked. Now let's get our ingredients before we run out of time", Sal said.
Mac didn't like this idea, but to save time he went along with it. The living room boys then frantically started buying ingredients. Meanwhile, The Bastards we're having their own troubles.
"I saw we make tofu tacos", Tommy said.
"Eww, sounds gross", Nick said.
"No it's not. Besides, it will be unique. Uniqueness knocks the judges socks off in those cooking shows, I'm sure it will impress Stash too", Tommy said.
"More like gross him out", Melvin said.
"Even if it does, I'm sure the other team will come up with something terrible. We've won every challenge so far, why will we lose now?", Tommy said.
"Careful Tommy. Remember what I said about people who get cocky", Oscar said.
"Whatever Oscar. Anyone got any better ideas?", Tommy said.
"Nope", Melvin said.
"Um, how about a chocolate honey pie", Oscar said.
"Too sweet, besides desserts never win and we just had a desert-themed challenge", Tommy said.
"How about, pizza?", Nick said.
"Boring. Come on, we need something with pizzaz and my tofu tacos with spicy jalapenos and hot sauce are the way to go. You don't want Stash to think we're boring do you? There's an old saying I once heard, 'if you're boring in the kitchen, then you're boring in the bedroom.' I need not remind you the goal of this show, do I?", Tommy said.
"Nope", his teammates said.
"Then let's be gourmets in the kitchen and whores in the bedroom. Come on!", Tommy said.
Nick and Melvin responded with a cheerful, "let's do it!" Oscar had his doubts though. He knew this was a bad plan, but he was outvoted. So with reluctance he said, "yes" and joined his team in the rush for supplies. When time was up the contestants rushed back onto the bus and went back to the house where it was time to start cooking. They had a time limit of one hour to cook. The Living Room Boys made it inside first claiming the first floor kitchen for themselves. This left The Bastards with the kitchen in the basement. Since the spaghetti was Sal's recipe, he took on the role of head chef, ordering around his teammates like he was Gordon Ramsey.
"Heissman, go boil the water", Sal ordered.
"How do I do that?", Heissman said.
"Are you a fucking idiot?! Get a pot, pour some water in it, place it on the stove and turn the dial to medium-high. It's so fucking simple!", Sal said.
Heissman did as he was told, while Sal kept an eye on him. Once the water was boiling Sal ordered Mac to drop the spaghetti noodles into the water. Mac didn't like being told what to do, especially not by Sal, but he knew that fighting during a challenge is what screwed them over last time and Mac wasn't about to lose again. So Mac did what he was told. Sal made the marinara sauce himself.
Meanwhile, things were going quite well in the The Bastards' kitchen. No one fought and everyone did their part. Not sure of how many tacos to make, the boys made one for each person in the house. When they were done, the group realized they had extra time left, so they decided to each eat one taco. The reactions were as mixed as the ingredients themselves.
"Yuck", Melvin said.
"This tastes like slime covered in jalapenos and hot sauce", Nick said.
"No thanks, Stash is going to hate this", Oscar said.
"I think they taste great. I'm sure Stash will love them", Tommy said confidently.
"Um, Tommy, I think we should make something else. This is not going to work", Oscar said.
"Sure it will and even if he does hate it, I'm sure 'The Living Room Boys' will make something worse. Those guys always manage to fuck something up. Why? Because they're dysfunctional. We are the exact opposite. Luck is on our side boys. Stash's ass will be ours!", Tommy said.
"Um, I think only one person can win", Melvin said.
"Well, that one person will be someone on this team I know it. Don't sweat it guys, we got this", Tommy said.
"We still have about 30 minutes left. I noticed there's some instant cake mix down here, we can make something with that", Oscar suggested.
"I will hear none of this Oscar! We are serving these tacos and that's final!", Tommy declared.
"Who made you the boss? I'm just trying to be helpful here", Oscar said.
"Well maybe I don't need your help", Tommy said.
"Fine, be that way", Oscar said.
The team then went silent. They couldn't wait to just serve the tacos and get the challenge over with already. When the time was up, both teams gathered at the dining room to serve their dishes. Stash had the table decorated with a red table cloth and lit some candles. He wore a very nice black and white suit and tie, surprising both teams. He also held a glass of red wine in his right paw.
"What's up with the romantic setting? I thought he just wanted to hook up?", Sal whispered to Mac.
"Beats me", Mac replied in a whisper.
"Isn't this a little formal for this show?", Nick whispered to Oscar.
"Yeah, but this show is pretty strange. Who knows what Stash will come up with next?", Oscar whispered back.
"Good evening you handsome furs. Let's see what you made for me for our lunch date", Stash said, taking a sip of wine. Sal went first, serving Stash a plate of Spaghetti with homemade marinara sauce. Stash ate one forkful of the spaghetti and his eyes lit up and a smile spread across his muzzle.
"Excellent job. This is the best I've ever had", Stash said.
"Thank you. It's an old family recipe", Sal said.
Nick, Melvin and Oscar became really nervous. They never expected The Living Room Boys to make something good. Deep down Tommy was nervous too, but he tried to convince himself that his tacos were better despite his teammates' negative reviews and Sal's spaghetti. Tommy served Stash the tacos next. Stash took one bite and he looked like he was going to gag. He reluctantly swallowed and asked Tommy, "what's in this?"
"Tofu, Jalapeno peppers and ghost pepper hot sauce", Tommy said.
Stash then began to feel the heat of the hot sauce and suddenly he felt like his maw was on fire. He ran to the kitchen and grabbed a carton of milk from the freezer. Stash took a big gulp of milk and returned to his seat.
"Wow. Well, I think I know who the winner is. Congratulations Living Room Boys you just won your first challenge!", Stash said. The Living Room Boys' jaws dropped when they heard the news.
"Yes! Thank you Stash!", Heissman said.
"I call for a group hug!", Mac said.
"I hate those, but whatever I'm just happy to win", Sal said.
The Living Room Boys embraced each other while The Bastards sighed in defeat. Stash then turned to face them and deliver the bad news.
"Well, I guess it's time to send someone home. I have decided to let you guys choose which one of your teammates to send home today. I will be giving each of you a piece of paper and a pen and you will write down the name of the person who you think deserves to go home", Stash said. He then handed each of The Bastards a small piece of notebook paper and a pen. Oscar knew who to choose right away. He knew Tommy had made a bad decision. He would've felt bad for Tommy if it wasn't for the fact that he had been so rude and arrogant. Oscar wrote 'Tommy' and handed the paper and pen to Stash. Melvin and Nick both felt that Tommy's decision had doomed them, so they voted him out. Tommy knew he fucked up, but he wasn't going to vote himself out, so he voted out Oscar instead because he got on his nerves.
"Alright, with a vote of 3 to 1, the fur going home today is...Tommy. Goodbye Tommy see you at the reunion show", Stash said.
Tommy pinned his ears down and walked out of the house where our crew was waiting to interview him.
"Well, fuck. I really thought those tacos would be a hit. I guess Oscar was right, even if he did get on my nerves, I was being too cocky and this is what I got for it. I just hope Sal doesn't win", Tommy said.
And so concludes another episode. Join us next time on Quest for the Wolf's Ass!