Tenderness

Story by Tristan Black Wolf on SoFurry

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#41 of Expectations and Permissions

This 41st chapter of Expectations and Permissions may come as a surprise for some of you who have been keeping up with this ongoing saga. Eoin had left a voice-mail message for Benedict, telling the dragon that he would be staying with Zachary Parker for a while, and Benedict has discovered that his calls to both Eoin's as Zachary's phones have gone directly to voice-mail. For those of you wondering what might have been going on for these few days since the Boxing Day Braiding... it would seem that Benedict has unintentionally entwined more than just the Saluki's fur...


"Good morning."

The soft voice in Eoin's ear made him smile softly and stretch a little even as an arm reached around and pulled him closer, his bare back to a very firm and equally bare chest and belly. He wrapped his own white-gold furred arm around that of the shimofuri tora brindle of the arm that held him and squeezed it close. "Good morning. How'd you sleep?"

"Great." The smile in the voice was clear and very welcome to hear. "No bad dreams or anything. How about you?"

"Warm and happy. Thank you, Zachary."

The younger canine nuzzled the elder's neck gently and sighed with what sounded like great contentment. "Thank you for teaching me so much."

Eoin murred softly. "Never had a better pupil. And..." He paused just a moment, squeezed the arm once more. "I may never have had a better friend, either."

This was the third morning that the Saluki graduate student had awakened in the Akita's apartment, and the second that he had awakened in his bed. They had spent most of the days talking, going for morning runs in Parker's part of the nearly-empty college town, even sharing the couch to watch a movie or two (actually cuddling as Eoin talked his host into a rental of Under the Tuscan Sun, which had led to a lot more conversation). The first night, Eoin had accepted the couch with no problems; the second night, the site of conversations and, eventually, sleep was Parker's bed. That second morning had almost begun with a cuddle, save for what the Akita saw as an "embarrassing problem." This morning, the "problem" did not appear, and despite the closeness, seemed not likely to. Together almost constantly for three days, not once did anything sexual happen.

That, in fact, became part of the discussion. Eoin now knew everything that the athlete had been discussing with Benedict, including the attempts that the pup had made to separate physical closeness and expression from sex or sexuality. By direct example, the Saluki had been the best friend he could be to Parker, and they now cuddled and even shared chaste kisses without fear or obligation on either part. The Akita was learning to trust.

"In a hurry for breakfast?" Eoin asked.

"Not particularly," Parker murmured softly. "I like the warmth, if you don't mind."

"Right now, I prefer it." The elder pup squeezed the arm close again, and he was again rewarded with a returning hug. There was no real pressure to start up a conversation, and Eoin knew that he needed to be careful about what to talk about. Benedict was the therapist, with both training and experience; what Eoin knew best was how to be a friend. After hearing the Akita's full story - as much of it as the pup could remember, as well as his concerns about the gaps - the grad student was smart enough to know that there were mental land mines all over the place. It wasn't a question of his own physical safety; both of the canines knew who could best the other in a mere physical confrontation, and neither cared for a repeat performance. It was about Parker's safety, physical and mental. Through the athlete's descriptions, Eoin had learned all of Benedict's theories and observations about what had become known as the White Room, including the dangers of the walls breaking down too soon or too quickly.

The Saluki considered the idea yet again. On one paw, Parker was going to have to face that particular Pandora's box at some point or another; t'other paw, the only one who could really know what to do would have to be Benedict. The talking that had taken place over the past few days had been truly groundbreaking. Even Parker had said that he'd never learned or felt so much in so short a time. They had talked about friendship, about love, about the problems of trying to label what one's emotions were trying to say, and the problems of what others think those labels are supposed to mean. On a few occasions, Parker had seemed interested in pursuing something sexual, but he had chosen quite consciously only to talk about it, which even he said was probably the best idea. No - the best idea for now, he had said. There were a lot of considerations in that open-ended statement, from ghosts of long past, to Jerry Bunting, and even the new affection that he had found with the Saluki. Eoin had never considered himself without a certain physical grace, but this was one tightrope he was having trouble traversing. More than that, he was beginning to wonder how he'd feel about wanting the handsome, dark-furred dog as his lover. The idea had its attractions.

"Whatcha thinkin'?"

"That I want to look at you." Smiling, Eoin suited actions to words and rolled over to look into Parker's smiling face. After getting comfortable, the two moved their muzzles together to share the soft, sweet, chaste kiss that had begun other mornings. The Saluki pressed himself chest to chest with the Akita, his muzzle tucked over the athlete's shoulder, his smile coloring his words. "Zachary, I'm so glad to be with you. It's been wonderful."

"I've enjoyed it to." Parker chuckled softly. "I'm still learning how to say things. I haven't had much practice."

"What do you think you'd like to say?"

Pulling back slightly, the younger pup looked directly into Eoin's eyes. "I think I want to say I love you."

The spontaneous smile on the Saluki's face seemed to create a mirror image on the Akita. "That's something I would welcome hearing, Zachary. Sorry if I sound like a shrink again... I just heard the hesitation, and I was wondering what might stop you from saying it."

Eoin shivered slightly at the soft touch of the athlete's forepaw to his headfur. The action was so gentle, the feeling almost electric, that it was as if the words had already been said. "You've helped me learn a lot, Eoin. 'I love you' doesn't mean 'I'm gay,' and it doesn't mean 'I want sex.' I guess my head knows that, but my heart is still tied up in old knots. I still feel..." He paused, his forepaw still touching gently, somehow innocently. "Eoin, I've been thinking... about the Room."

The Saluki just nodded, his eyes holding Parker's gently. "I'm here, Zachary."

After a long pause, with his forepaw resting on Eoin's shoulder, the Akita swallowed and went on. "I think maybe that's where my love is locked up. It feels like... every time I start thinking about love, I start to pull back, to worry that what I'm feeling isn't really love, that it's... I don't know, really. That's where it starts to back off, run away. I don't think I've treated anyone right in my life..."

It was Eoin's turn to reach a forepaw up to pet the athlete gently. "Zachary, I'm sure that you have. I can say that because of how you've treated me these past several days. And you've spoken with Jerry, twice at least." Breathing carefully, he watched Parker's eyes. "I want to ask you something, and I want you to see how it makes you feel." The Akita nodded a little, and Eoin went on. "Zachary, what does it mean to you, to love and be loved?"

The younger canine's breath caught briefly, and he swallowed again.

"Just the feeling, Zachary. Tell me what you're feeling when that question comes up."

"Scared."

"Can you say why it scares you?"

"Not supposed to look," he blurted out, then grabbed Eoin in a tight embrace, his chest hitching slightly.

Holding the pup tightly, the Saluki whispered, "Should we call Benedict?"

"I'm okay," came the swift reply. "Just hold me. I'm backing out of it."

"I've got you, Zachary, I've got you." He felt a tight, needful squeeze from the Akita, and smiled a little. "Moses?"

A cough of laughter, strained but still laughter, escaped the pup's lips. "No toeses, no roses," he said softly. "I'm still here." Strong forepaws stroked the Saluki's back with soft affection. "Thank you, Eoin. I'm still here. Thank you."

Pressing his body close to the Akita's, Eoin considered what to do. Right now, all that mattered was the soft caress of forepaws to fur, of the closeness, of the safety of friends. The Saluki had a suspicion now of what that Room was about, and he knew who had caused it to happen. It wasn't within his power to create the sort of "controlled implosion" that would bring down those walls. The architect and engineer in him had no problem with physical structures, but matters of the mind were far better left in Benedict's claws.

"Eoin?"

"Yes?"

The click in the Akita's throat was audible. "You and I have talked a lot, these three days. I've even told you what I said to Jerry."

The Saluki simply nodded, his cheek against Parker's.

"I'm trying to separate out the labels and all that. I'm trying not to confuse things in my head anymore. I mean..." He pulled back and look again into Eoin's eyes. "You're my friend, and maybe that's a label too."

"I'm here, Zachary. Talk it out with me. What are you feeling?"

A long moment passed, a mixture of uncertainties in the athlete's eyes. "Needful, maybe?"

"Can you tell me what you need?"

Beneath the dark fur of his cheeks, Parker's skin began to redden. "I'm... I'm not..."

"Zachary." Eoin stroked the younger pup's cheek with a caring paw. "We can always talk, about anything. I mean that, Zachary. Anything."

"I'm afraid to need..."

"Here for you. Not goin' anywhere. I'm right here."

The Akita forced himself to take a deep breath and, exhaling slowly, he said, "I'm still thinking about that afternoon."

"In the library?"

"Yes."

"Tell me."

"I don't know why I..." The athlete shook his head. "No, I do know. I just wanted... I wanted something that wasn't my own paw." He looked slightly defeated. "There; I said it."

"That's more biology than anything else, Zachary. We all want, or even, need to be touched sometimes. More than a hug, more even than a cuddle."

"You don't think it's... well, cheap?"

"It's anonymous, usually. And it's about sensation, about the orgasm, and not much else. That's just basic biology, Zachary, just as Jerry explained it to you. It's not shameful, or at least I don't think so. I don't find any reason to dislike you for doing it."

A long moment passed as Parker looked softly into the Saluki's eyes. "I've always thought that... I've thought that sex was more than just that. More than just... cumming, like pawing off. At least, I wanted it to be."

Eoin nodded. "May I ask you about that?" The Akita nodded. "Zachary, would you say that you've had a lot of experience with sex?"

The younger pup tensed, then slowly relaxed, nodding as if acknowledging that it was a legitimate question. "Not much, really. Late high school, once. A few others since I've been at university. I wanted something more with Pris. I wanted it to... to mean something."

"Am I right saying that you want sex to be more than just casual?"

Parker nodded slowly.

"I'm gonna take a chance here." Eoin chose his words with extreme care, hoping he was getting it right. "Zachary, do you feel that enjoying sex with someone requires, well, a commitment, maybe? I'm using labels, and I'm sorry for that. I want to understand what you're feeling; is that fair?"

Trying to find a fair statement, fair words, was part of what they had talked about for these three days. It was how Benedict had started his therapy with Parker, and Eoin knew the technique well enough from using it himself. Some texts called it "meta-communication," other sources called it just plain speaking. In some ways, Eoin felt that he was cheating a little by asking openly, using the phrase "is that fair," because it sort of forced the issue. Truth told, it was what worked - it reminded both parties to the conversation that the goal was to keep talking.

Another long pause, and Parker managed a smile. "I have to admit, I'm not sure how well I can talk about sex while we're cuddled up like this."

"Should we sit up and--"

"No." The Akita shook his head slowly, still smiling. "It's all right. It's more than all right. And truth told, Eoin, that's what scares me. I think I want... more... with you. And I'm not sure what that means, what it feels like."

Eoin nodded slowly. "Zachary, we've talked a lot about what the word 'love' means, in so many ways. I can say, truthfully, that I love you. When I use that word, it means many things, such as how I care about you, enjoy talking with you, being with you... and yes, cuddling and sleeping with you. That won't change. My caring for you is not going to change, whatever we decide to do." He touched the Akita's cheek softly. "Whatever _we_decide to do."

The sweet closeness of the hug returned, bodies pressed together, faces cheek to cheek, breathing soft and slow, forepaws making gentle and unhurried random patterns on each other's backs and fur. Eoin let the moment be, willing his heart not to beat too hard or too fast, and perhaps above all, trying not to let his own growing desire overshadow what Parker actually needed of him.

"Eoin?" the athlete whispered.

"Here, Zachary."

"If it's okay with you, let's... go have a run, and some breakfast, and talk some more. I really think I want to... do something, but maybe not yet. Just a little more..."

"A little more time?"

"Yes."

"Of course." Eoin squeezed Zachary again, and the younger pup returned the favor. He couldn't deny disappointment, but he agreed that it was a matter of a little more time. This might be... no, it _was_a vitally significant moment for Parker. It wasn't something to rush.

"Eoin?"

"Yes?"

"Just one more thing."

The Saluki felt the Akita rearrange himself slightly, still holding close, but moving his muzzle close to Eoin's. The grad student received the chaste kiss warmly, closed lips to closed lips... then felt something change. Almost as one, the young canines opened their maws slightly, and the kiss became far more intimate than any before. Somewhere in his past, the athlete had learned a few things about the art of tongue kissing. This was no amateurish mashing of mandibles and the attempt to lick someone else's tonsils. Zachary's actions were slow, subtle, teasing; his tongue was curious but not invasive, active but not overpowering. Eoin heard himself whimpering as the Akita's forepaw caressed his headfur, his own forepaws gripping the athlete closely, amazed at the power of his own reaction.

It took fully half a minute for the kiss to break, gently, sweetly, as breath chased breath in the close, warm space beneath the covers of Zachary's bed. The elder canine still felt the younger's touch to his headfur, attention paid almost like an afterglow. His eyes, feeling all too wide, saw the heartfelt regard in the pup's eyes and felt a joyous freshness in an act he'd come to think of as almost too simple to be given much consideration anymore.

"Eoin."

"Yes?"

Zachary smiled. "Just letting you know that I know who I'm kissing. Not him. Eoin."

The Saluki smiled back, realizing that he was closer to crying than might be wise. But love, he thought, makes fools of us all.

He realized that he didn't really care, in that moment, if he were being a complete and utter idiot.