Boy by the Cliff
I don't typically write things like this. I just had a very strong urge to do this. Whether this becomes a series or not, I'll be writing the occasional slice of life story featuring mental illness and a few other themes that mean quite a bit to me. I marked this as all ages, but for the people who read this story; the majority of my writing is very erotic typically, so don't go in there unless you want to have a wank. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this story of abuse and growing up.
Boy by the Cliff
Wolves were strong and powerful people who reveled in chaos, and certainly didn't mind a little change, the young pup Lou however, had been frightened silly from the first time he had heard they were leaving the comfort of their home to move. Lou feared for all the things that could possibly go wrong when they arrived at their new place. Would he even make new friends, would he even see his old friends ever again, and would the people there even accept them? His parents had told him to not worry about such things and to instead focus on a bright future, a blank slate where anything could happen, but that only made things more frightening. A blank slate could only mean that there were too many possibilities of something going wrong. Such thoughts didn't befit a child of his age, such thoughts were best reserved for cranky adults, or at the very least that was what his parents told him, and so he'd stay quiet during their entire trip, not saying a peep. He wanted to be something great for his parents, a good child.
From their old home they had traveled by plane and car until finally they arrived at their destination, the verdant town of Flores, where trees and buildings existed side by side in such a pretty way, but it still seemed more like a city with how tightly packed it was with other people of varying species and sizes. He could see other wolves here and there, some crouched in the alleys, some out and about and they seemed happy enough. At one point during their cruise through town had passed the school he would be attending, his parents seemingly excited about how big and impressive it was, whereas Lou himself found it to be massive and chilling. How would he ever find his way through that school? Everything seemed so different from back home, much less organized and much more open with so much more noise from gathering crowds at various shops and fronts. Even behind the doors of their car it was far too noisy, filled with too many people, and already he felt his chest tighten and his head begin to swim with thoughts of having to navigate those crowds, but he had to remind himself not to make trouble for his parents by worrying too much, that would only upset them, they wouldn't even be living in the town anyway, "You all right sweetie?" said a sudden voice.
He looked up from his thoughts to see his mother staring back at him with worried yellow eyes, he couldn't worry her, but he couldn't lie so he said with a bit of forced enthusiasm, "A little scared, but this'll be good...Right?"
His father answered with a bit of laughter, eyes still on the road as his mother turned back to face the road as well, "It'll be great for us. No need to worry whatsoever. Just you wait, you'll have plenty of friends in Flores and we'll even have to put a curfew so you won't stay out too long."
Lou answered in a happy chirp, "I wouldn't even need one, because I don't think I'd like to go out too much. It seems a bit too big for my tastes to wander, especially with strangers."
An uncomfortable chuckle from both of his parents sounded off, a note of discomfort that he didn't seem to notice. He only sat back in his seat smiling, his parents seemed satisfied by his answer and that was enough for him. It would be just fine.
Leaving the crowds and the noise behind felt good. Even though he was safe inside the car he felt as if those people had been watching him, and yet the sudden quiet felt a bit eerie as well, the road turning to dirt as they arrived at their small community of only a few homes surrounded by trees and brush, this was his new home. He could only hope that everything would be just fine, and even if it wasn't he'd be a good child and stay quiet, else he'd be a disappointment to his parents.
As they walked from the car to the imposing house with big windows and brightly colored walls, Lou wondered if such a large place could truly only be for three wolves, already it seemed so dead and far too spacious on the outside. Even the other homes seemed to be devoid of life, hand like branches hanging down over the buildings obscuring the sun in various places. Once inside they found their home had already been neatly packed with boxes holding all of their belongings and so they set to taking things out carefully one by one, Lou helping as much as he could without getting in the way, wincing every so often as he dropped something a bit too heavy for his hands. The little pudgy grey furred wolf wished he was strong like his father who told him that he'd grow into it eventually, that he'd be a proud wolf someday. His mother always told him that he'd be the baddest and strongest among his peers even if he was still small, that he'd be able to fight anyone who tried to bother him, but that sounded terribly frightening and only filled him with dread, but he dared not speak against his mother and so he'd only grin and be a good boy. He didn't want to disappoint his parents, he didn't want to be different, and so he told himself that everything would be just fine, even if already he didn't feel comfortable and if already the thought of school in a few days filled him with thoughts of all the terrible things that could happen.
That week he found it difficult to eat much of anything, but he ate just enough to satisfy his parents at the very least, as usual for himself though, he couldn't sleep not a single wink. The day before school would start he had overheard his parents speaking in the next room, the thin walls doing little to hide the emotion in their voice, "We should have put him in a private school. It'll be his first time among so many students."
His father's voice came on hard, "We can't keep him inside our den forever, he'll be fine, he's a tough kid."
Lou's mother sounded so frightened then, "He's weak and that school is filled to the brim with students older than him. He's a year early at thirteen and he's so...so small."
An exasperated sigh sounded off, "It'll be fine...He has to grow strong someday."
Their words seemed to trail off into an incoherent buzz as Lou laid upon his side, his eyes shut tight as he tried to block out the noise. He didn't need to hear what they were saying about him, and more importantly he didn't need to hear what they were saying about the school. A school filled to the brim with other students both older and probably stronger than he was. What a terrible thought, perhaps it was good that he had trouble sleeping, or else he'd be having nightmares of the terror he'd be finding waiting around the corner.
The end of his first week at a new place had passed, and he was no closer to getting used to anything. They had gone to his school several times during the week so he'd be able to walk himself, but he was still so nervous, and so very tired. Not only did he feel the lack of sleep creeping upon him, but he also felt tired from how just how nervous he was. He didn't feel like eating too much, but to satisfy his mother he ate just a small bite of breakfast and grabbed his backpack to head out for school, smiling a bit as his mother gave him a tight bear hug before sending him off.
The warmth from his mother's embrace was quickly leaving as the chill of the morning air set in. Summer was ending and fall was coming soon and already the leaves were tinted a light orange around the leaves, the cool air new to him, but more chilling than that, was the near darkness that surrounded him. The sun was only just coming up, but he had to go this early to make it to school even if he didn't want to. For a few steps or so he seemed entirely alone with his thoughts, the trees around him casting great shadows, the other homes still so eerily quiet. It was only as he passed the homes that he saw there were other children heading to school with packs of varying sizes, and all of them seemed much taller than he was, even the girls. His ears fell flat and he thought for a moment of turning around, but instead he braced himself and kept walking at a steady pace. As he walked on by the slow moving children he thought to say something, but his words formed a lump in his throat and instead he simply looked forward and kept walking. He could feel their eyes burrowing into his back, their judgments already being made, but he said nothing and only continued on. One of them, a bear, gripped onto his shoulder and snorted, "Hey kid, welcome to the neighborhood...Keep that chin up, and good luck."
The touch was unsettling, though the words were kind and were said with a sort of what Lou believed to be encouraging strength that gave the young wolf confidence. In spite of the conflicting feelings that Lou felt, he spoke out happily, "Thanks."
That was all that needed to be said between them. All of the children were far too tired to chatter too much, the older kids sticking to occasionally exchanging words while Lou walked more towards the back, not wanting to get in the way, and not wanting to talk too much. He was far too nervous to say a word, and felt a bit uncomfortable around so many strangers, even though they were only three others besides himself. He wondered if everyone he met at the school would be so tall, and would they be so encouraging like the bear?
His first day was stressful to say the least. He had remembered his schedule, and yet all of the numbers of the classrooms made very little sense to him, the various buildings holding the classes seeming more like a maze more than anything else. From the gate of the school he walked in with a massive herd of students that stretched out like shadowy silhouettes underneath the harsh sun, his head lost among the other students some just taller, many both taller and older than him. Lou could feel his heart beating so quickly, his eyes darting from side to side as he tried to find where to go, but he couldn't stop moving among the great crowd of people. It felt far too cramped, and every little noise seemed so loud, but he could only keep walking. While everyone split off to the various buildings on the campus so confidently, he only followed the crowd aimlessly, looking at the numbers upon the building and wondering if he was going in the right direction until finally he could speak to an adult.
The old cat that had given him direction was a grumpy sort, grumbling instructions and shooing him off with a flick of the wrist. Lou wondered if he had said something incorrectly, or if perhaps the cat just didn't like wolves, whatever the case he made his way to his classroom fighting tears and was surprised to find utter and total chaos. Students were sitting on the desks and chatting amongst themselves so loudly, they laughed and cried out loud at whatever jokes they told, and as he snuck in he hoped that they wouldn't notice. Silently he made his way to one of the front desks and set his bag there, taking a seat and hoping that no one would approach him. All of them were older and more loud than he had expected. It was only homeroom, he knew that it wasn't important to pay attention here, and yet he only remember how his old school had commanded order among the students, even threatening violence at times if they misbehaved, and yet no one seemed to be concerned about consequence.
As Lou waited for the teacher he could already feel eyes drifting towards him, a pack of wolves by the corner all dressed in chains and studs pointing to him before chuckling amongst themselves, another group made up of a mix of creatures doing something similar. He couldn't tell what they were saying and yet it was terrifying, he didn't want any part of what they were talking about and only wanted to hurry on with the day to go home. Still he had to remind himself that they had no reason to talk bad of him, that perhaps they only wanted to meet him, it wasn't fair to assume that they would be trouble right from the get go. Lou tried his hardest to block out the noise, his eyes focused on the desk in front of him, but he just couldn't seem to ignore all of the voices buzzing around him. It was enough to make his tired headache that much more, and even as the teacher entered the room, only so few of the students actually moved to seat themselves and quiet down. The teacher had to yell over the various conversations to get the rest of the students in place, startling the already frightened wolf quite a bit. Loud and chaotic, would that be the entirety of his new school life?
As it turned out, none of his other classes or break periods were any different. Hallways and the campus itself were crowded with loitering students both loud and tall, the lunch room had been the same with the occasional wad of food flying through the air, and every class began with a teacher needing to yell over students who at times dropped books or smacked rulers upon desks hard enough to vibrate the air to gain attention, much to the dismay of Lou. When finally the day seemed to be over every student was in such a rush to leave that they didn't seemed to care where they stepped, and so Lou was lost in an ocean of bodies pushing and shoving until he found himself on the floor, fresh tears upon his cheek as students trampled on by him. One, singular kind adult managed to pull him out and dusted him off while asking if he was okay. Lou could barely register the kindness, the only sound that he could hear a sharp ringing in his ear that seemed to grow louder. He came to his senses soon enough though and took a deep shaky breath and nodded. The adult that had pulled him from the crowd nodded and gave him a nervous smile before sending Lou off on his way.
By the time he had recovered from his little episode he was the only one on the path to his community. He stepped slowly feeling fatigue take over as the fear was dispersed by the satisfaction of being alone. His head throbbed fiercely and his entire world seemed to pulse as he walked on the dirt road home. Lou's first day had been terrifying, terrible and absolutely chaotic. In the end he hadn't made a single friend from not even being able to speak, his own fears taking hold of his throat, but at the very least no one seemed to pay him any mind. If only they weren't so loud.
When he finally arrived home his parents asked him how he had done during his first day, their smiles quickly fading as they saw the tears staining his cheeks. After he recounted his tale of a horrid first day with little hiccups and whimpers, his mother knelt down to seize his shoulders in what she thought was a loving manner. Lou's eyes grew wide as she shushed him, "Don't cry...You're not a little girl, you're a boy right? A wolf too. Boys don't cry, they get tough. Words can't hurt you and you got knocked down? Bah, a little dirt only makes you stronger...It'll be okay, just give it time."
Frightened by his mother's sudden grasp and the dire tone of her voice he simply nodded, his ears pinned far back. He wasn't sure what to really make of her words, boy's don't cry? But he was crying right now? Weren't boys and girls just the same? He didn't understand why crying would make him a girl, or why that would be a bad thing. Only, he sighed and shook just a bit as his mother hugged him, cherishing the embrace before he was sent off to his room to undress and take off his pack until the next day.
Sleep came that night through fatigue and exhaustion shutting down the boy's overactive mind. Still in his sleep he found little actual rest. Nightmares plagued him of oncoming children of all sizes stepping on him and laughing, all of them kicking at him and pointing, faceless and tall, obscured by shadowy black. Their voices made no sense, they spoke gibberish and insulted him in sharp screeches and barks, and all he could do was curl upon the floor. Lou woke up early in the morning, his fur matted with sweat from the nightmares, his eyes wide and his entire body shivering. Scooting to sit upon the bed he checked the time on his alarm, thirty minutes before he was supposed to wake. Not able to sleep, he sat there in the dark, eyes closed as he took deep breaths trying to get rid of all of the terrible nightmares. When the time came for his alarm to ring, he knew he didn't want to go back to school, but his mother and his father had seemed so intent on him trying to tough it out that he got up and prepared for another day at the school, hoping that the week would be better than his first day.
The week started out just as bad and only seemed to decline with each day. Loud noises all around, headaches and hot flashes from all of the buzz that surrounded him. He felt sick at every other moment, but he wasn't sure why. Lou was only walking among other children, why should he feel so sick and strange? When he went to the nurse's office during a lunch break to ask for some sort of relief she had found him utterly healthy and told him to stop pretending, sneering at him and shooing him off. He couldn't help but feel tears well up as he walked away from that event. He had been labeled a liar, and yet he really did feel terrible. The accusations only added to his illness, the air around him feeling so heavy and his chest feeling tight from the pain of being brushed off without a real care.
During his first week he had even found his first instance of bullies, children both bigger than him and simply louder than him. They called him strange names and for some reason he saw them around every corner, but their words and insults didn't make any sense so he didn't feel threatened by that, he only felt frightened because they were there being so loud, being so in his space that he felt ill. He had also been confused as they named of various things he was, that he didn't understand, "Faggot, bitch, fucker." They also called him a girly boy, something that he didn't understand either. Why was it so bad to be a girl? What made girls so terrible? They were people just like him, did it really matter that much? Was he so weird? He didn't understand couldn't understand and so he tried his best to ignore them. When he asked his parents they looked at each other for a moment before simply shrugging off his words and answering in kind, "Words can't really do anything to you. They shouldn't be saying those things, those are adult words, but you shouldn't worry about it." But he was! Lou was absolutely terrified of being an outcast, and he didn't understand any of it at all, but making a fuss would only upset his parents and so he kept his ears up and his eyes clear of tears, he would at least be somewhat normal at home.
By the end of the week he was practically dragging himself home, his head burning, his vision blurry and the shadows of the woods seeming to reach out and twist in weird ways like the children in his nightmares. As he touched the door to his home he shook violently, putting a smile on his face and taking a deep breath before stepping into his home. What did it matter that he was having a bad time? His parents didn't care for his troubles, they only seemed to want him to be a good and happy boy, and so he would do that if only for their approval, he would try to dry his tears and be strong. As a result Lou became just a bit more of a recluse, enclosing himself in his room to read and escape from reality if only for just a few hours. Still, he did his homework diligently and his hopes were still not entirely gone, "It was only the first week." He murmur to himself while getting ready to bed, again and again like some sort of cultist chant.
After a quick and small lunch during the weekend he found himself wandering outside for a bit to explore. Behind his home was a large stretch of mysterious wood that seemed so inviting, since no one else would likely be there, and so he went without much thought. He found himself at the top of a cliff, his eyes wide as he looked down to see more trees as far as the eye could see. It was breathtaking, and entirely quiet. Even with his ears he could only hear birds chirping, and the sun beating down wasn't oppressive like it was at his school. Instead here he could be at peace, it was too bad once the weekend was over he'd have to endure again, but here was a place he could rest, he could recharge without fear of confusing words and people that made no sense to him.
The weekend thankfully passed by slowly. During this time he noticed his clothes were starting to fit just a bit more loosely, his body feeling a bit lighter and perhaps a bit taller, but not by much. Perhaps finally he was starting to stretch out, of course he had also been only pecking at his food since he had first heard they were moving, not fully eating now because of how queasy he felt just thinking of going back to school. When it finally came time to end the weekend and start his week at school he walked with the other children from the community again, ignoring the stares as usual and simply moving quietly through the woods. He wanted the day over and very little else.
That first day back had been a good one. Though the noise was still there, he had met three very important friends. Sal, a female fox wearing all black wearing thick eyeliner, her claws painted black to match and a permanent scowl on her face, but when she talked to Lou she was nice enough, she had even yelled at some of the bullies following Lou around during the morning before homeroom. With her was a mouse that seemed as quiet and as small as Lou, a boy by the name of Al who didn't seem to want to talk at all until Lou asked if Sal enjoyed books. Al was the one who answered in earnest, and thus began a beautiful friendship.
"F-fantasy...I really like fantasy" Said the soft spoken mouse.
Lou replied in kind with a bit more excitement in his tone, "Fantasy is great! I really like magic, wizards and witches with knights and monsters, but sometimes I like mysteries, something quieter and less exciting...Mom and Dad aren't too happy whenever I tell them about those scary mystery novels though."
The mouse nodded, his ears flopping and his glasses nearly falling, "Yeah...Same, but sometimes mystery books scare me a bit too much...Kind of weak hearted."
They both chuckled and chatted pleasantly while Sal didn't seem to mind listening to their book talk, and she even brought up her own books that she liked taking them from her pack, "Death, decay, things that make us alive you know? Suffering. I like reading drama and murder mystery is cool too. Lou, Al doesn't want to read my type of books, but maybe you'd like to."
Lou didn't seem the mind the words that she said, he only saw that there was a new book to explore, something interesting and he gratefully took the book to borrow it, "Keep it." She said with a small smile.
Lou blinked but then beamed happily as he stored the book in his pack for later, he would treasure it and most definitely read it all the way through even if it wasn't too interesting.
The last friend and perhaps his greatest ally at the school he had met was just before lunch. A small pack of older wolves stopped him on campus outside of the lunch room, "Hey...Little pup, the fuck is wrong with you?"
Lou froze, not sure what to say, he didn't understand what they meant by that statement and so he simply said in a bit of a confused voice, "I'm going to lunch?"
The largest male of the pack with striking green eyes snorted and growled, "No, I'm saying, what is wrong with you. Why you hanging with faggots and mice? You got something against your own kind? What a fucking joke?"
Faggots and mice? Did he mean Sal and Al? The two of them were so nice, why would that be any problem? At the same time Lou decided to answer timidly, "I don't have anything against my own kind...And I don't see the problem with having a fox or a mouse as a friend...But what is a faggot anyway, and why is Sal one?"
They all laughed when he said that word he didn't understand, all of them gathering closer making him feel terribly uncomfortable until he heard a loud call, "Hey idiots! I called the faculty. If you don't want to get in trouble get outta here!"
All of the wolves grumbled and snarled, but they dispersed without too much trouble, Lou's heart practically stopping there for a second before he looked around to see the source of the voice. An older kid, a coyote who was tall and had a fair bit of muscle by the name of Rich had saved him from that terrible situation. Before they went to grab lunch together though, Rich brought him to the side privately to talk to him, "Listen...You seem real innocent...So let me explain some things about what those kids are sayin'. You shouldn't care but you shouldn't be confused right?"
Finally, someone would explain what all those terrible things were and why they were terrible, and so Lou smiled and nodded eagerly, but by the end of their little talk, Lou only felt further sick. He got a crash course in what sex was, what fuck was, what faggot was, and so much more. He still didn't understand most of what was being said to him, or rather, why it was bad. What did it matter if he hadn't had sex yet? What did it matter if he actually liked boys? What was wrong with liking boys and why did it merit being called such a strange word as faggot. Rich didn't have all the answers, but the coyote did tell him that as they went along, Rich would try and explain more. Lou was left in a confused state, and he knew he couldn't ask his parents more, because they would have simply told him that words mean nothing unless he gave them power, but truthfully those words hurt and confused Lou, so they could hurt even if he didn't give them power. More importantly he wondered what was the big deal with Sal in particular. She seemed very nice even if she only preferred to be called by a girl. If Sal called herself a girl, then she was a girl, wasn't that all there was to it? He knew that boys and girls had different...parts, but why did it matter what one was called over the other? Genuine confusion still gripped him, and he had so much more questions, but Rich was already gone and he had no one to answer him, no one that wouldn't answer him with something rude. The day for Lou had ended with mostly good things, three new friends being a great day compared to how his first week went, he would need them.
During his second day that week he experienced true terror and pain. Words stung terribly, but fists and dirt tasted so much more bitter. While on his way to school just outside the gates, one of the wolves from the other day had grabbed him by the back of the head, fistful of fur and tossed him muzzle first into the dirt. Scrambling to stand while coughing up bits of dirt he could hear muffled laughter as the world around him rung. He didn't see who did it and didn't see who suddenly kicked him in the stomach, knocking the wind out of him. He only heard their taunts, "Faggot, pack betrayer." He still didn't understand, didn't understand at all and so he shakily gathered himself up and without shedding a single tear headed to meet his friends on campus. Both of them seemed concerned enough, Sal feeling him over to make sure he wasn't really hurt, but she seemed focused on his suffering, asking him how it felt. He felt upset, confused and just a bit angry. She told him to keep onto that anger, that it would help him through the day, something again he wasn't sure of, but her hug was warm and he returned it tightly, enjoying the contact even if it scared him just a bit to be touched so soon after being hit. When they separated Al seemed at a loss, almost in tears as well. Lou seeing this gave the mouse a hug as well and assured the other that he was just fine. Al was just as weak, or perhaps weaker than Lou, and that meant the two needed to stick especially close together, neither of them could afford to cry in front of those bullies.
They couldn't tell any teacher, what would they do? Find the invisible children that had knocked him over and hit him, if only he had seen who had done it, if only he could get back at them. During and after school he did as told and thought again to the frustration and anger he had felt, the sun shining down harshly as he made his way home, and even as he greeted his parents and they greeted him, he felt sick of it all. He realized not only was he angry at himself and those students, but he was angry at his parents. Why didn't they tell him it would be so hard? More importantly why did they lie by saying it would get better? Still, he had no idea of what to say or how to confront them, so instead he was a good little boy and smiled and nodded, withdrawing further into his own mind as the week went on.
That book he that he had been given by Sal had been his escape those weeks. A book that talked about the cruelty of the thinking creature. It was a book of drama, of blood and death, and he enjoyed reading it, but only because it made him think so much of all the suffering he had been put through, of all the cruelty that the other children had thrown at him. It all seemed so relatable, but in truth that was all he had, Sal's influence. Rich was a great teacher of life when he was around, but he was older and ready to graduate into high school, so sadly it was difficult to see him. Al was far too quiet and seemed to be slipping into the same habits as Lou, following Sal and Lou without a care for his own desires. So Sal led the three as a strong leader, Lou listening intently to anything she had to say, and Lou finding himself feeling a bit warm whenever he saw her.
Lou started dressing in darker colors over the course of a month or so to match Sal, and his disposition changed just the same. The pudgy hopeful wolf had changed into a lean dire downer, a constant frown on his face as he walked to and from school. Even during the weekends he would simply sit at the cliff, looking off into the distance and trying to feel any bit better, but all of the confusion, all of that anger had left him bitter. Still on the inside he was left screaming, twisted and afraid of his own peers and of any strange person that arrived. At the same time he used those moments by the cliff to drift deep into thought. Rich had told him so much about what it meant to be a faggot, what it meant to the bullies and why it was and wasn't a bad thing at the same time. It was a slur, a terrible way of mentioning girls who liked girls and boys who liked boys, or at least that was the way he understood it. Rich had said it was more than just that, it was the attraction, the feeling deep inside of warmth and more towards another of the same sex, whatever that meant as well, but slowly Lou came to understand, and came to understand that he was attracted to boys and girls. He liked being around Sal and could see himself kissing her even though such thoughts brought heat to his cheeks, and yet he could see the same thing happening with Al, or even Rich, and so that made him a terrible person in the eyes of other people. Love was a strange emotion that Rich had mentioned and it was different, but even Rich wasn't an expert on what made love different from simply liking someone in the sort of heated way. What Lou understood was that love just meant you wanted to stay around someone, and liking someone just meant you felt strange and hot whenever looking at someone, but that was all he had. Not even his parents would tell him more about love, more about sex when he asked, they simply avoided the question or teased him and asked if he had a girlfriend like a strong man. He didn't care to be a strong man and he found their questions irritating, then again, his parents were just like those bullies. He had at some point overheard his parents talking about how gays are godless people, about how they are sinners, his mother saying the exact words, "They can do whatever they want with their asses, so long as they don't drag me to hell with them." He didn't understand their hate of boys who liked boys and girls who liked girls. It made no sense, no sense at all. So liking boys made him weird? So being a bit girly made him a freak? Then he'd happily be a freak, even if somewhere inside was screaming he was scared and wanted to be accepted.
Out of fear and frustration, Lou lashed out at most who tried to approach him that weren't in his small group of friends. He trusted very few people and even began skipping the occasional class to find a quiet place to rest during school. Teacher's reported his behaviour and he could only tell his parents that he was tired of school, that it just wasn't fun or felt very good. His mother yelled, she yelled a lot and struck at the air, his ears pulled back as she lectured him, his eyes shut and again when he began to cry she yelled, "Why are you crying?! Who the fuck hit you!?"
Luckily his father was there to hold back his mother, but at the same time his father sighed and looked at him with such disappointed eyes and said, "You can do better son..." Before walking off, leaving him in his room. Such an event left him distorted and reeling, his mind nearly split in two. He wanted to scream, and at the same time he wanted to cry and wail. Crying was bad, being girly was bad, being gay was bad, being different was bad, being anything but what everyone else wanted was bad, and still he didn't understand why. It never made any sense at all to Lou and his mind was only further clouded and mired by living nightmares that seemed to pop up out of nowhere. Everywhere he went he felt like he was being followed, being watched, his eyes darting as he saw shadows coming after him, and yet nothing was there.
During the weekend he sat by the cliff, eyes staring down. He had learned so much. So many things he had never desired to know, and yet still understood nothing. Lou was still frightened of being a disappointment, still scared of every single person he had ever met, and as he thought of simply dropping off the cliff and disappearing, he was scared of that too, but not of death, not of disappearing, but of finding out in heaven or hell what his friends would think, how even his parents would lecture him, how those bullies would laugh at him for being so weak, and so he took himself from the edge of the cliff and walked back home to face his life. Even he wanted to cry and wanted to scream so badly, he'd never show it, on the outside he'd be numb, simple as that. No one would see him cry again.
There was still hope so long as he endured. It couldn't last forever, the pain that he felt every time someone even stood next to him, the fear he felt as he walked by buildings full of people, and all of the bullies malcontent with their own lives couldn't last forever, could it?