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LAST TIME ON JUST ONCE" The morning after ultra-hot sex is almost always awkward

Albus got in Jem's car, struggling and squirming to get in, having issues with coordination as a result of coming so hard the previous night, and having to deal with Wesha. "I fucking LOVE this new car!" Albus then had the bright fucking idea to start talking, saying "I love you too!" "What!?" " I love the car too, I guess, I mean, I ahahahaha might just be a little out of it from yesterday...I mean, it's fucking perfect!" Jem responded "Yes you are, Albus" "You tooooooooooo WHAT WHAT NO NO SHIT FUCK WHAT I DIDN'T MEAN OMIGOD NO!" "I kind of slipped up too." Albus then said "Sorry, it's just that you and the car are both just wonderful, and-" "Do I share any other similarites to this lovely sports car?" "Sure. You're both REALLY good-looking, and...efficient." "I and the car also happen to be...ahh...hmmm...We're both really good at going places on our own, only accompanied by somebody" Thus, the level of awkardness of two live-in friends with benefits with raging, obsessive crushes on each other and poor social skills was finally at least partially established.

Then they started driving, and saw quite some noteworthy things. There was somebody that Jem saw in the rearview mirror that could be described as a "Bionicle Movie apologist" arguing with twenty other Lego nerds that the acting wasn't annoying and cringey. WRITER'S NOTE: I loved that movie as an easily-as-fuck-impressed kid, then watched it as an adult, and couldn't help but stop watching about five minutes or so in, because the two leads just drove me fucking insane, and they somehow made lava surfboarding uninteresting as fuck. BACK TO THE STORY! Albus saw, out the window on his side of the car, some crazy Christian fundamentalist and some crazy Muslim fundamentalist arguing over whose insane bullshit is true, all the while sharing 90% of the same problematically prejudiced doctrine. As they reached their destination, they overheard somebody use gender-binary pronouns and somebody else yell "HATE CRIME! HEY COP THIS BINARIST SHITLORD MISGENDERED ME TASE HIS ASS NOW!", followed by the cop going "Shut the hell up and keep doing what you're doing. It's really fun to watch."

Then they got to their first mansion. It was an opulent Victorian England-looking house with Gargoyle statues. Albus looked at those and thought Goddammit, I really want to put googly eyes and dunce caps on those Gargoyles. If they look derpy as hell, they won't creep the fuck out of me at night. "So, who are we buying the house from?" Jem asked the real estate agent, some effeminate-looking red-with-orange-spots Gecko with a suit-and-tie with a Metrosexual pride armband and a posh British accent, wearing Harry Potter glasses. "Oh, that's quite simple. You're buying the house from the government. You see, the first owner died when hit with a truck, followed by a meteor, and finally by a cargo plane full of feathers and styrofoam. The second owner-wait...or was that death the second or third owner...or how the seventeenth died...Just give me a moment to browse Wikipedia for a bit" Albus interjected with "So, this house is so notorious for horrible things happening to the owners that it has its own Wikipedia page?" "Yeah, but so are most Apple products, and THEY'RE still being sold online, aren't they?" "I don't think we'll go with this house!" Albus and Jem shouted in unison, before rushing to drive as far away as they could be bothered to.

Then they got to the second house. It looked more like an abstract art sculpture made by a pretentious art graudate and with lawn signs made by somebody with a gender studies degree (that cringey) than a house designed by an architectual engineer with (duh) an engineering degree with appliances also designed by people with engineering degrees. The seemingly best part was, "It's just perfectly situated right on the beach!" Jem said. "Definitely fucking not! At least, not unless you really, really want to" Albus Replied. "That's really sweet of you, but why?" "Because I don't like sand. It's coarse, it's rough, and it gets everywhere." "Did you just directly quote Anakin Skywalker from Attack of the Clones?" "I'm pretty sure I'm paraphrasing his statement, but it IS a valid argument against going anywhere with sand, isn't it?" He made this face :> as he said that.

Then they got to the third mansion. "I'll see if there's a Wikipedia page for this one...Aaaand there is" Albus said. "The True Love house. That name gives me mixed feelings. On the one hand, it's romantic and adorable, but on the other, it's just SO DAMN CRINGEY OH MY GOD!" "Can I hear some deets as to why exactly it has that name?" Jem asked. "Sure, my sweet little Reese's cup. You know...Because you're just so sweet, and our current relationship is generally regarded to be unhealthy, and your fur is brown, and so are Reese's cups, because of all the peanut butter and chocolate. ANYWAYS, every single owner was a romantic poet, and there were 32 owners. None of them were single when they died, but they all were when they moved in. Life can be fucking insane sometimes, with these coincidences." "Anything else?" "There's rumors that there's notes containing romantic poetry and advice on relationships scattered throughout the mansion." The Gecko from earlier butted in with "It also has a perfect balcony view of the shoreline and the sunset for those wonderful moments in life! You two seem like the perfect couple!" "WE'RE NOT A COUPLE!" they shouted in unison, blushing so hard they looked like anime characters. They finally agreed by both shouting, also in unison, "WE'LL BUY IT!"

NEXT TIME ON JUST ONCE: The first day in a brand-new fancy house!