Sanna Gon' Be Pissed.
(This story was supposed to be a christmas story I wrote for my friends originally. My friends have a really goofy sense of humor, so this stroy fit perfectly. Unfortuentely, it was about reindeer, and I didn't think they'd get most of the furry jokes, so I decided to rewrite it and give it to them later. Christmas came and went but I never got around to finishing the story. Well I found it in my archives a few moments ago, and decided it'd be worth sharing with all of you. :) Enjoy. )
Sanna Gon' be pissed.
They stared in silence, the soft crackles and pops of the burning vehicle the only language that echoed though out the frozen climate. The metal crumpled under heat of the flames and the red paint melted into the warm slush underneath, creating a ruby red river of fear that oozed across the frigid ground below their hooves. Rudolph was the first to speak, stepping forward, and rubbing a hoof against the back of one of his brown, leaf-like ears. He glanced behind him at his fellow reindeer, who all stared in awe at the crashed sled, and he nodded his head solemnly.
"Dude....This shit is not bananas.." He said quietly, burying his muzzle into his paws. There was a harmony of nods and a symphony of soft spoken agreement that mixed with the sounds of crackling debris and the burning dreams of children across the world.
"Maaaaan Sanna gon' be pissed." Vixen whispered in a soft chime of worry.
"Homicidally enraged. Like a kettle of hate, overflowing with an immeasurable amount of pure, uncontaminated fury." Dasher groaned. Rudolph grinned.
"Dude. Cool euphemism." He chuckled, offering the other flying creature a thumbs up.
"Thanks. I've discovered a thesaurus. Did you know it's not a dinosaur?" Dasher smiled.
"......yes." Rudolph said quietly. Multiple sets of reindeer ears turned to the sound of running hooves racing towards them. Donner. The only Reindeer whom had neglected to join them on their little joy ride in the sleigh, spouting nonsense about regulations and policy. He froze when he saw them and the remains of what would soon be the cause of Santa's homicidal rein of terror and a nifty Weird Al song.
"Oh. My. GOD!!!!" Donner shrieked, his eyes going wide, his mouth dropping to the cold, frozen ground below.
"Ya know, I think he's pretty much our only hope at this point." Rudolph said, shaking his head thoughtfully.
"Actually, I thought his gifts were on the sleigh too?" Dancer asked.
"Oh yeeeeah...hehehe, man, we are royally screwed." Dasher quipped.
"W, wh, WHAT, DID, YOU, DO?! Donner screeched. Dasher sighed quietly, pressing his hooves together.
"There was....some unpleasantness. " He explained quietly. Donner turned, and stared, muzzle agape, eyes wide, head cocked to one side in sheer undescribable confusion.
"D, do you know what you've done! OH MY GOD! Look at the Sleigh. Santa is gonna go completely bitchcakes!" Donner whined. Rudolph wrapped a paw around his co-worker.
"Dude. Relax. It'll be cool. " He consoled. Donner didn't seem to believe him.
"IT'LL BE COO- IT'LL BE COOL?! What could you possibly be baseing that on?! I mean, it's Christmas eve, Santa needs to leave in three hours, and he doesn't have a sleigh!" Donner screamed. Rudolph opened his muzzle, as if to respond, blinked once, then gave a sheepish smile.
"It'll be cool." Rudolph repeated.
"He's such a pessimist." Dasher muttered.
Donner was about to open his mouth to produce another set of irritating whines, when he suddenly shut up. It was Santa clause standing quietly at the door to his house, his mouth agape.
"...Ok. We're gonna die. We're gonna die, and this is your fault. "Donner hissed, poking Rudolph with a hoof. Rudolph simply closed his eyes, and sighed. Christmas was about to get very unjolly.
"What....happened...to...my...baby." Santa whimpered, the pudgy ball of fat dressed in red wobbled over to his once-would be prized sled and fell to his knees, sobbing.
Santa was pissed, He was anything but merry,
and weeks of alcohol had rounded his belly.
His cheeks were red like roses, his nose like a cheery,
And his anger shook him, like a bowl full of jelly.
He stood up, quick as a flash,
And looked for a reindeer to which he could lash.
"OK! OK! What....happened to...my...baby? Oh, God my baby. I just got new rims too." Santa cried. It was Blitzen, (who still had the white powder of Santa's secret stash over his nose,) who stepped forward to offer an explanation.
"Dooood! Lolz man! The sled is like...totally crashed, but it's cool. It's cool man, cause we were totally good to drive when we took it out, but we are fucked up now! I mean, you g, you got some good shit hidden in yer room man. I mean, It's like I'm flying right now!! But I havn't even left the ground!!! By the way...since we're like, fucked up and we're not gonna remember in the morning...your wife is totally hot. I, I mean I wanna do her, ya know. I wanna do everything to her!! And, and, and, and, and, and, and, you, can help man. We' can totally, like double team her...it'll be hot. It'll be hot. " Blitzen giggled -he was quickly pushed aside by Dasher, whom pressed his paws together.
"Blizten, Keep your muzzle shut!" Dasher hissed.
"Dude, whatever, you totally think she's hot too." Blizten mumbled.
"Please forgive Blitzen...he's a fucking idiot. I assure you, I'll take him out back, and break both his knees after this. "Dasher explained with a wince, and glanced over at Blitzen.
"WOOOOO! Now I will be the HERO OF CHRISTMAS!" Blitzen exclaimed loudly, and proceeded to urinate on the flaming wreckage of Santa's sleigh. Dasher sighed rubbing the bridge of his nose nervously.
"Listen, Santa. Um. We don't quite know what happened, when the engine caught fire, we were pretty much in "Panic" mode then, so, I know MY eyes closed, and there was a lot of screaming, and yelling, you know how it is when your going down in flames, heh but...well we THINK, we may have collided into an aircraft of sorts, Which may or may NOT have been considered an act of war by the U.S. department of defense. Now if it was the missle that was launched at us, or the machine gun fire that caused the initial downfall of the sleigh, no one knows. Now, whether or not it was the collision with the ground to air Missles, or the fighter jets that caused the sleigh to actually explode is and entirely diffrent matter all together. But what we DO know, is that there is no way-that any of this, is my fault. Now, on the plus side, even though the toy bag was lost somewhere over the Pacific Ocean, we managed to save a Furby." Dasher explained, holding up a smoldering toy.
"WAAAAaaaaaaaaa." Said the Furby. Santa stood motionless and quiet, a large purple vein throbbing above his left eye.
"So, whadda ya say. We can still save Christmas...I'm sure it's not...TOTALLY screwed...the important thing is that we're all safe and sound, right?" Dasher laughed.
Santa collapsed to the ground, his eyes wide, mouth open, fingers frozen in an angry, reindeer choking fist. Santa Clause- was dead.
"Wow...he's dead." Dasher said slowly. The others all gathered around close. It was true. The shock of seeing his sleigh in pieces had destroyed the old man's heart. There was a moment of silence as the reindeer all glanced at each other in fear and uncertainty. Their leader was gone, how would Christmas continue. How would they survive! What would they do?!
"I say....our story is...Donner pushed him down the stairs." Rudolph said quietly. There were nods and mumbles of agreement all around. Donner's eyes widened.
"WHAT?! I DID NO SUCH THING!!" Donner screamed. The reindeer looked around, then shrugged.
"Dude, we totally saw you. You went crazy. " Cupid explained. Doner could only stare.
"NO! NO I DID NOT! I DID NO SUCH THING!!" He screamed. Dasher rubbed his chin with a hoof.
"Donner....do we make you angry?" He asked slowly. Donner twitched.
"WHAT?! OF COURSE YOU DO!!" He shrieked. Rudolph looked to Dasher, and then took a step back.
"Angry enough....to kill?" He asked. Donner growled.
"Enough TO KILL!? OF COURSE I'M ANGRY ENOUGH TO...TO...ooooh no. Nonono! I see where this is going! I'm not killing you, or anyone! I'm not a killer!" He growled. Dasher glanced towards Rudolph, and they shared a meaningful look.
"Denial is an ugly thing. I think, what happened, was isolated from his natural habitat destroyed Donner's mind. I mean, look around, it's cold, there are elf sweatshops, no taxes...and no one was around. Donner was free to do whatever he wanted, except...be free. He was under Santa's iron glove, and went insane. One day, he coxed us all to leave on a flight in the sleigh and then totally killed Santa." Rudolph said softly.
"Whacked his ass dead." Dancer said with a sage nod. The other reindeer nodded.
"I...I didn't kill anyone...I'm not a bad reindeer...I'm a good reindeer." Donner sniffled quietly, falling to his knees in front of his dead master.
"Dude...we were totally kidding. We wouldn't pin this on you. We'd pin it on one of the hundreds of elves running around here." Rudolph explained. Donner looked up, tears in his eyes.
"R, really? Do you really mean that?" He asked. The reindeer shrugged.
"Probably. Anyway, lets go inside and get warm. We can play Dance dance revolution and get drunk on eggnog while we try to figure out what to do." Rudolph explained. Everyone nodded. Reindeer were good at Dance Dance revolution. Unfortuentely, they completely forgot about Christmas and it really, REALLY sucked that year. I mean man, that shit was not bananas.
The end.