FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

I felt my phone buzz as I waited outside the train station. I was leaning on the parapet while watching people move up the escalator. I flipped it around unlocked my phone. I stared for a moment at a simple text that displayed 'See you soon' before locking the phone and went back to my original position. I bit my lip as I focused on the people exiting the station. I was going to meet someone new today. I was hoping to catch a glimpse of him before actually meeting up.

Well, things haven't been always like that. Just a few months back, I was someone who had no idea what other gay males do, how they lived... other than their bedroom activities, of course. At least I knew that I was gay, I suppose. But at that point of time my knowledge of the other gay people in my society was non-existent. That was probably the reason why I felt more alone than ever. It was hard to ask around to begin with. Being gay was still deemed as socially unacceptable here. It wasn't a subject that you could just ask around because chances are they won't confess in person. People were still uncomfortable with being out in the open. It wasn't as though there were much hate targeted at them; they just don't feel the importance of bringing up the subject of homosexuality leaving poor furs like me confused.

I also had my fair share of gay relationships. Not that I have been attached before, but other... less fortunate situations that were so common in many other gay men. I'm talking about first high school crushes, one-sided love or being rejected... You know, all which didn't end very well. I used to be a hopeless romantic, always dreaming for that someone who can understand me, accept me and love me. I wasn't the most dashing looking wolf for sure, but out of the billions of beings in existence, surely that was one to truly love me? Or at least beyond the physical?

That was what I believed and it gave me hell.

It was simply because I didn't know how the world worked and believing in my version of romance in the twenty first century kicked me right back in the guts. I learnt that the hard way, especially that one time where I felt that we were right there, but it all turned out to be my imagination. I honestly believed because I've never felt more in sync with another being in my life ever. But of course it turned out to be all one sided yet again. He had been kind when rejecting me, mentioning that my build was not his type, but deep down I knew that it was more than that. I was simply not desired in any way by any means. The idea of our synchronicity never occurred to him. I was too engrossed with my own feelings that I've forgotten about his.

That was probably the last tick that drove me away from seeking the ideal relationship that I so used to hope for. For many years I had held on to that belief and I knew that it had to go. I knew I was asking for too much and it was time to be realistic. To look for a man that was attracted to you, understand you, was good looking and gay? C'mon, life is just not that beautiful. Romantic stories with a beautiful ending were just as accurate as ghost stories. In fact, the former was probably worse due to the fact that it gave a false sense of hope - an evil of humanity stuck at the bottom of Pandora's Box.

I had to move on one way or another and I was desperate. That desperation pushed me to be willing to try anything, literally. The very same guy that rejected me persuaded me to give all the different platforms on the internet a try. He might have been later than me when coming to terms with his sexuality, but he had done way more in months than I did in years. I admit I was still a little jealous listening to him talking about his gay experiences, sexually or not. But at least he was happy and didn't seem to have any regrets doing any of those. So I thought to myself, 'Why the hell not?'

And so I ventured into the websites and apps that were made available to my country. I had searched them before in the past, but I wasn't pleased with what I found then. It was too testosterone driven. What most of them wanted was simply a good session of fluid exchange. That fact had not changed even now. I made myself an account for all of the websites and apps that I had been with the intention of just trying it out.

It was not like messages came to me like a massive landslide. There were quite a few, mostly curious about the new guy in town. But it was no surprise when all of them started to ask something about sex within at most five texts. Ranging from showing pictures to positioning in bed, they were all phrased differently but all meant the same thing - sex. Some were pretty tempting to just agree and rut in some place till we're both dry, but no matter how horny or pent up I was, I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to tap the send button to give a simple consent. Maybe I was not confident to do it. I was not as handsome as the guy who rejected me. I didn't have the same amount of guts to do it. Or maybe a part of me still clung on to the hope that I might find someone who wasn't just about sex. It was disappointing as it was my first contact with the gay community in my society and all I found was no more than mere sex crazed beasts. I suppose it was to be expected since being perpetually horny was a trait usually associated with men.

I held firm to my stand at what brought me here in the first place - to know the rest of the gay community. So I crafted most of my profile in finding friends. Surely not all gay men who come to terms with their sexuality ended up to be hormonally charged engaging in purely sexual activities. There had to be some friendly group that doesn't only want sex. I told myself that no matter what kind of person approached me, so long as it was not purely sex, I would go for it.

The responses were terrible, as expected. Many withdraw from the idea of being purely friends, especially those on the apps. There were even some who mocked me for trying to find anything other than sex. It was very pathetic to watch them treat me like dust outside of sex. But maybe their form of happiness was through sex and if they could continuously hunt for it, in a way they could be eternally happy. That was what I told myself.

The few who did not flinch away from being friends were very cautious. I found out that most of them had low to no self-esteem, for some reason. They seemed almost like the rejects within the community. Perhaps it was the way they behaved more than the way they looked. I thought I had no confidence in myself, but they took it a notch higher. Even I became somewhat a counsellor to them. I had no skills or resources to help them. Finding friends slowly became charity work as I listen to them droning about how terrible they were when in actual fact there was nothing wrong with them. They faced rejection countless times, most probably on those sex apps, but that shouldn't mean anything because it was clear that no one was being serious especially in relationships in the apps. No matter how hard I tried to bring them up and away from their endless cycle of depression, I couldn't do it. I had to let them go to find answers for themselves.

After my discovery in those 'dating' apps, chat group apps came along that allowed you to be added anonymously without disclosing your number. All they needed was your chat ID to add you in the group. I thought it was an excellent idea since it was no longer something one-on-one, they could possibly be more subtle about sex and be friendlier.

I was wrong.

Well, at least partially. It was highly dependent on the group itself. Some were just a pure meat market that constantly advertised how horny they were and needed a 'right now'. Some were just treated as a porn stash folder where endless videos were posted every few hours. Some even posted themselves doing the act. I didn't mind the show, but it was no different than the other apps that I went across before.

However, there were a few which didn't consist of pure sex. It was countable with both paws on how many of these group chats existed. It was more of introducing yourself to the group and occasionally discuss about random news and occurrences. It was less lively compared to the sex filled ones, but at least sex was not all over the place. It seemed like a good place to start knowing people, and I did.

I met a few of them who texted me, hoping to know more of each other. I did not care about how they looked so long as it wasn't sex, I agreed. I was fascinated by each and every one of them. All of them gave me a different perspective in a gay man's everyday life. They came from different backgrounds, did different jobs, and had different memories and feelings on the gay community. I was impressed with all the new information that I found. I finally got what I wanted. I was enjoying myself learning about the life of others when the dreaded topic slowly crept behind me.

It wasn't long before they started talking about it. My fascination with their lives turned out to give more and more wrong signals to them. Maybe it was their first time finding someone so friendly or interested in knowing more of them. Before I knew it, I was into a very troublesome situation when people that I've met started to flirt with me for more. I had no experience in that and was pretty much in the yolo mood wanting to learn more and willing to take on even more, I eventually gave in.

I made up that stupid friends-with-benefits idea. Of course, I didn't bed with all of them, but I let myself try out with those whom I trusted a little more. I was young and very inexperienced. I remembered my first time when I got invited to his house after meeting up for a few times. Charlie's parents were out on holiday and he was left all alone in his house. He mentioned that he was afraid to be alone in his house and hoped that I could company him for a night or two. I honestly took his words literally. I didn't know that it was an invitation for sex until I felt his paws curl around my body while I was falling asleep. I was barely registering what was going on before his muzzle was leaning in. I firmly gripped his paw and evaded his muzzle. He stopped for a moment before apologising. "I was hoping we could at least cuddle?" he asked. I gulped before I confessed that I had never done anything before with another man. He merely chuckled and replied, "Well, then would you be willing to try some simple things? No pressure, I promise you that." I thought for a moment with many things running through my head. It was going to happen; it was going to be an intimate session with another male that I had not met for long. Although, what do I have to fear? Other gay men were doing it in a more frequent basis. There were no men that wanted me in a relationship for years, those who I approached rejected me so who am I holding back for? What was pulling me back? Was I not trying out new things, new experiences? Am I willing to do it?

A nod and a conformation was all it needed. Within moments our bodies were intertwined, articles of clothing slowly peeling off one by one. Soon enough I was bare naked to another man for the first time in my life. I knew it was too late to go back. I did not felt as bad as I thought I would. In fact, I was even more curious as it was also the first time I've seen another naked man up close. I ran my paws softly over him, feeling the soft fur and skin of another. His hands were more precise in finding the erogenous areas. I was so sensitive to the foreign touch that I grew hard easily within seconds. At that point of time his body size, shape and build did not matter. I didn't care whether he was my type or not. I was too sensitive to care about all those. He probably took all those as a confirmation of my attraction to him and whispered his confession to me just before my paws reached his crotch. It certainly took me by surprise but what was a naked wolf supposed to react to that. I wasn't that crazy to go on and be attached to some guy that I barely knew, so I came up with the next excuse - the idea of friends with benefits. I wanted to end everything the least awkward way possible and I wasn't going to walk out of his house like three am in the morning without any transport home. Thinking about it now I should have probably took the latter.

But the night continued where I ended up shooting in his muzzle slightly less than a minute entering it and jerking off another male for the first time in my life. It ended slightly awkward and sticky but at least we got off our hormones. That marked the start of friends with benefits.

Eventually we drifted apart as I continuously avoided Charlie. After that night he was starting to get easily agitated and sometimes making snide remarks about almost everything. It was dramatic to the point where he told me he was insane about me which scared me to no end. I tried to convince him otherwise till the point where I knew we could no longer be friends.

It was an ugly stain, but there was barely any choice because I had no feelings for him. Maybe that was the same way the one who rejected me felt. But it never stopped me from continuing to meet other people. I met Jack next, a middle aged lion that was at least ten years ahead of me. I figured that older men was less likely to end up like Charlie, so it should be safer to explore around with him and he should much more experience than others. My first meeting with Jack was simple. We both had the same idea - no sex, just a plain simple dinner outing. I was more than happy to go out with him; it was the first time where the other party firmly said no sex during a meeting.

Like a lion, he was prideful of himself. Confident and mischievous, he had been great company to be around with. We talked a lot, literally anything under the sun and started opening up slowly to each other. He had led an interesting life, almost getting married with another woman as a cover up wedding for the both of them. He had worked different jobs, earning a lot of money before his health caught up to him, leaving him with a back injury. He had different interesting stories to tell me and I was eager to listen to them.

There was once he drove us to the top of the hill where we settled at an abandoned lighthouse. We marvelled at the view and he told me that he was happy that to find someone who would listen to him for so long. He knew I was only in my early twenties and inexperienced in many ways. He convinced me that he was too old for me to handle and I should be hanging around people my age and get laid. That only made trust him more as he started ranting about possible diseases that can be caught and stuff like that. It was a show of concern to me. He was genuinely concerned about me. If there was anyone to trust it would be him. I could remember his hesitant hands wrap around me for a simple hug. He told me he was worried that I would hit him if he did anything physical, but I was more than willing to explore because I knew that Jack wasn't going to take advantage of me.

And I was right. He never imposed himself on me. We only did things when we discussed about it and agreed to it. It wasn't only about bedroom activities. We travelled on his car together, hung out with each other truly like friends with benefits. There was no penetration involved until that one time where I tossed the idea when we were travelling. He blinked in surprise at the suggestion. He thought that I wouldn't bring it up ever. He was hesitant at first, because he hasn't done it for a while, much more on his rear end. Eventually he gave in, provided that I wore protection. Even though there was no way that we would be getting anything from each other, he insisted it to be a habit to cultivate. We were about to do it before he confessed his feelings to me. "I... I think I'm starting to like you more than I should," he said shyly. It was all too familiar with Charlie and I took the same response as I did before. He wasn't disappointed. Or rather, he expected it.

But it didn't stop him from feeling frantic when I met up with other men. The situation was all too familiar. Like Charlie, it slowly came to a breaking point where he ended up accusing me of sleeping around with other men. It was painful to go through all of that because he was partially right. I did meet up with a few more friends with benefits but never did any more penetrative sex. I only did that once.

It was a crazy turn of events; from not knowing anything, being rejected, into so much more drama. I was less and less receptive of the idea of friends with benefits. People simply tended to develop feelings for me. I wasn't sure if the gay community were unfriendly and not open like me; or if it was something else.

I sincerely hoped that the next guy that I meet wouldn't turn out to be another heap of dramatic mess.

I spot a familiar looking bear in the sea of fur, matching the same profile picture as the one on my phone. He was... not what I've expected. On his profile showed a dark furred guy but in real life it was a much lighter shade than I thought. Even though he did tell me his actual stats, I really did not expect him to be that much shorter than me. It was easy to identify that he was overweight. He wasn't your typical big bear buff guy, but almost quite the opposite. Overweight, short, not the best looking facial features or complexion. I considered on giving up meeting him and come up with some lame excuse, but I've came all the way here. And wasn't my original intention to just meet up and know more about how other gay men lived? Shouldn't I stick back to my original intention?

I slapped myself in the muzzle and composed myself. I won't go back against my words now. We might not be compatible after all and nobody said that he had any interest in me. So I stood my ground and waited for him to find me.

Our eyes met and he walked over. "Hey, I'm Ken," he said, barely twitching the side of his lips. I wasn't sure how to react; it was probably one of the coldest introductions that I've experienced. I somehow managed a smile and continued our conversation.

We settled down in a quiet restaurant for dinner. It wasn't the fancy kind, just a cosy one to talk and hang out. We talked while we ate, about many different things. All the while, he gave me the sense of being snobbish and arrogant, very much like the way he introduced himself. I wasn't even sure if I would want to hang out with him again the second time. He was only four years ahead of me and he spoke as though towards a child. Well, I know I am not the most experienced gay man but I do know things, okay. Slowly I began to take the passive side of the conversation and let him do most of the talking.

As the conversation swayed towards relationships, I eventually began to see why he hasn't been the happiest bear around. He said that he was already comfortable talking about it but his facial expression said otherwise.

He had just ended a three year relationship a few months back. His ex-boyfriend had been suspected to be cheating with another man. The keyword was suspected. Even he had no idea why they broke up the second time. When I asked him he simply shrugged and said that he hasn't asked his ex. But it was probably the case since they had broken up before after finding out that his ex caught nasty sex disease one day. It was only a matter of time when something along that line happened again.

If you asked me, I would have thought it was actually a good thing. I mean, his ex has been hell bent on finding other men without his consent, disrespecting the other. But Ken doesn't seem to be over it yet, with the way he was chugging the drink or the heavy sigh that followed after. It was no surprise why he would frown at the mention of friends with benefits.

I was slightly amused at how everything had turned out. Sure it was depressing, but it was something that I've never seen before. In fact, we were much more similar to each other than we thought. Sex wasn't a priority. The brown bear in front of me hasn't had sex long before the breakup. The fact that he was still preoccupied with his ex showed that he had truly loved him. It wasn't just another three year relationship. It wasn't a relationship where he would just 'get back into the scene' after it ended. For once in my experiences, there was an honest, dedicated man right in front of me.

I flicked my ears lazily as I contemplated about the new discoveries of the bear in front of me. He may seem like a good man to date, but his grouchiness still kind of pisses me off. Furthermore, he obviously hasn't gotten over his past, despite his stubborn mouth. I highly doubt I would have much to do with him and he seemed to have zero interest in anything else other than his ex.

I gave a serious consideration when he texted me few weeks down the road for another meet up. Ever since that day, he had been quiet on the phone, making me feel slightly used like just a convenient listening ear. I didn't know what I was thinking, but I agreed anyway.

As time passed, I found out that Ken was a likable friend. The second meeting wasn't as bad as the first. It only got better... funny, because the first impression was not that great. He may seem like a know-it-all at first, but as we talked, I found that there were certain field that I had more knowledge in and teased him about it, wriggling my eyebrows. There was a bashful side to the brown bear, to my delight. It was a good change, because we slowly opened up to each other on a pure friendship basis. He became increasingly approachable, occasionally making jokes and making our time spent more lively. Less were the depressing grumpy bear, he began to smile more even if there was a tinge of sadness to it.

"Erm," Ken asked while scratching the side of his muzzle, "Will you be free next month?"

I raised my eyebrow as I grabbed a plate of sushi from the rotating conveyer belt. I removed the lid as I waited for him to continue but he didn't seem to get the message. "Why?" I asked.

"I... I," Ken said as he look away from me and focus on the moving plates, "I was hoping that we could celebrate your birthday together."

I coughed and replied, "There's no need for that. You know that. It just a birthday... there is nothing special to celebrate about."

"But I want to," the brown bear said as he looked back at me, "Please?"

I wasn't a person that loved to engage in frivolous events. I never thought that birthday was any more special than other days. I was not sure what he up to, but well, if he asked...

"Okay," I agreed, slightly annoyed at the fact that I would most likely have to return the favour, "But nothing too fancy, okay? Just a simple dinner."

He nodded with his muzzle full of tuna, beaming with delight. Whether it was because I agreed or the fact that he was fed with his favourite fish, I couldn't tell.

But there was certainly something to look forward to on the upcoming month.