FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

It was fifties night at the local dinner. Red neon lights and shining chrome celebrated a golden age nostalgia. A troupe of drag queens were singing along to the jukebox, doing their best Dolly Parton impressions, waitresses whizzed by on roller skates, swaying under the weight of enormous hair, and in a lonely table by the corner, a young fox and his otter friend sat talking...

"So how did your date go last night?"

Andy sighed and stirred his coffee. "It was a nightmare."

Kyle snickered. He and this neurotic fox had many similar conversations over the years. "What happened this time? Did he bite his fingernails? Chew too loudly? Did he lick his plate? ... Did he want you to pee on him?"

Andy continued as if he hadn't heard. "First date in four months, I meet this really great guy and ... 'this' happens." He put powerful, dramatic emphasis on the word 'this', like he intended it to carry the whole weight of existence.

Kyler made little circles with his hand. "And what would the dreaded 'this' be, pray tell?"

The troubled red fox stared into his coffee cup, watching the sugar cubes slowly bob up and down like drowning children. "Everything started out really great. We met up at the bus stop, had dinner, went to the movies... he groped me in the lobby, things really seemed promising."

Kyle nodded, sage-like. "Of course of course."

"He sent me a dick-pic the night before--nine inches of gorgeous, thick, uncut, mouth watering man meat--so I was pretty sure I was going to fuck him."

"Size Queen," said Kyle with a smirk.

Andy wasn't listening, his steel yellow eyes were staring miles away, into another world, another time. "Then we go back to his place and he tells me ... he's a bottom."

Kyle scrunched his face. "Oooooo, strike one."

Andy shrugged. "So I thought... yeah, alright. Why not? I can top this guy...Only he didn't want anal."

The grinning otter looked confused. "He didn't want anal?" He was silent for a moment but then said, "okay, makes sense. Not every gay man is into anal. So what did he want?"

Andy swallowed. "Have you ever heard of... intercrural sex?"

Kyle shook his head. "No. Sounds invasive."

"It's where you lube up a guy's thighs and stick your dick between his legs."

Kyle snorted. "Sounds like something teenagers do at bible camp. But hey, if that's what he's into, what's the problem?"

"Well we were... Doing it and he really wasn't saying much at first. But then he started..."

"Farting?"

"Talking."

"Oh. Not so unusual. What did he say?"

"Not much at first. Just grunts like ... 'yeah, fuck me. Fuck me hard'" The old woman sitting in the booth next to them turned around and stared before turning back to her tapioca pudding. Andy continued, "then he started getting louder; 'yeah! That's right fuck me! Fuck me-fuck me-fuck me-fuck me! Right there!"

Kyle chuckled nervously. "Okay, I get it dude. Just keep it down--"

"And then he said it."

The otter's eyes darted back and forth. "Said what?"

Andy wheezed and pressed his hands over his ears. "Don't make me say it."

"Well now you have to tell me. You can't just build all this up and say nothing."

"It was just so stupid... so fucking stupid!" His expression suddenly became profound. All the understanding of the universe was in his eyes. "It was like the most perfectly stupid thing ever said by a sentient being."

Kyle groaned. "Will you just tell me!"

"He said ..."

"Yeah?"

"He said..."

Kyle nodded impatiently. "Yeaaaah?"

"He said!"

"Fucking spit it out!"

Andy slammed his fists down on the table. "He said fuck my thigh-gina!"

"..."

Andy buried his muzzle in his paws and howled mournfully.

Kyle was at a total loss. "Fuck my thigh--"

Andy lunged forward and grabbed hold of Kyle's muzzle, squeezing it shut. His eyes blazed. "Don't say it!" He seethed. "Don't. You. Say it." He let go of Kyle's muzzle, gave him just the tiniest bop on the nose with his index finger and sunk back in his chair, head back, shoulders slumped, a man utterly defeated.

Kyle just sat there, thunderstruck. He swallowed and managed to find his voice again.

"So... so what did you do?"

"I left."

Kyle raised his eyebrows. "You left?" He snapped his fingers. "Just like that?"

"Yes," said Andy. "I jumped off him, grabbed my clothes and ran half naked into the night."

"Uh..."

"I wandered for hours, lost, cold and afraid..."

"I think you might have overreacted, dude."

Andy gasped. "How can you say that?"

"Weeell," Kyle bobbed his head back and forth. "It's weird, I'll give you that. But people say weird shit during sex. They just get lost in the heat of the moment."

At that very moment, Asia's Heat of the Moment started playing on the Jukebox, much to the disgust of the surrounding drag queens.

"Huh," said Kyle, glancing over at the jukebox. "That's a weird coincidence."

"He's been texting me," Andy admitted, holding up his cellphone. "Wants to know what happened. Wants to know if it was something he did."

"I don't blame the guy," Kyle replied. "He's probably confused as fuck. Look..." he leaned forward. "You wouldn't shut up about this guy for a week. It took you two just to pluck up the courage and ask him out..."

"He works at a hot dog stand," Andy mumbled, staring down at his phone.

Kyle nodded. "Right. You went there almost every day and you fucking hate hot dogs."

Andy sighed as if the memory caused him great pain. "I ate so many."

"So why not give him another chance? Sure what he said was a little weird--"

"Stupid," Andy cut across. "What he said was stupid. The amalgamation of all stupid things that have ever and will ever been said. Perfect in its stupidity, beyond the comprehension of mortal thought. I'd probably go into some kind of lovecraftian insanity if I tried to quantify it with my tiny brain."

"Er, right... anyway," Kyle cleared his throat. "That aside ... I think you should call him--talk to him! Don't let this one silly incident get in the way of what might be a great relationship." He smiled warmly and took Andy by the paw.

Andy let out a long sigh. "... Maybe you're right."

Suddenly his phone gave a loud beep, indicating he had a new message. Andy checked his phone and all colour drained from his face.

Kyle furrowed his brow. "What's wrong?"

Without saying anything, Andy placed his cellphone on the table. On the screen was a picture of someone's naked thighs next to what appeared to be a fully cooked hot dog. Beneath the photo there was a caption that simply read; 'my thigh-gina awaits <3'

Kyle smacked his forehead. "Forget what I said. This guy is a total freak."

Sitting up straight, Andy composed himself, straightened his tie and left a crisp twenty dollar bill on the table. "I'm going to go step into traffic," he said, getting up.

Kyle held up Andy's cellphone. "Don't you want your--" The door jingled as Andy walked through. Kyle shrugged. "Well alright then..." He took a loud, obnoxious slurp from his milkshake, glanced around and pocketed the phone.