FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

"Three reasons drive our fear of death. First: the fear of the unknown. It's like walking into a dark forest. You won't do it if you have no clue what's there. Even if there are cuddly bunnies in wait. But, no, your instinctual fear conjures up bears - no offence - and maybe even ghosts. The second is religious reasons, of course. Do I burn? Do I float? Et cetera." The cat pinned the last syllables separately with steps forwards. His clawed digits flexed. "The third, which I have reason to believe I have decimated, is the fear of nothingness. When I die do I disappear? How can I bear to not exist anymore? These concepts pester us endlessly. I'll be so bored when I die! How can I just, you know, stop existing? Well, I've found the answer to that."

"So... You want me to die for you?"

"When you put it like that it makes it seem like such a heroic deed. If that's what you need then, yes, you will die for me."

Sam looked at the cat, Erik, with a look of dying hope.

"Oh."

"What did you expect?" Erik asked, picking up a pen and making detailed notes across an already choked page. His tail, long and flecked with yellow, twitched. His ears were twisted towards him.

"I expected more compensation, for one."

"You'll get it, you'll get the satisfaction of the ethereal."

"Not that kind of compensation."

"You mean money?"

"Well, yes."

"Oh, my dear, dear lion." Erik said pointedly, placing a paw on Sam's broad shoulder. "Who the hell do you think would fund me? I'm seeking death, not life. Doctors everywhere hate me."

Sam ran a paw through his mane, which was a deep shade of gold. It looked more like a sick yellow in Erik's cheap luminescent-lit office. Sam huffed, exhaling long and slow. He considered it. He rolled the thought of philosophical acquisition in his head. More and more losing sleep for a week while under scientific supervision for 8 dollars an hour seemed like the better option.

"You know, I think I'll pass." He stood up. The chair squeaked under him harshly. His tail flicked against the chair legs. "I needed money to further my education, not to stop it."

Erik seemed crestfallen. His near-manic green-tinted eyes fell downwards. "Samson..."

"No, Erik. It means a lot to you. But wouldn't it be better to find someone more suited for this?"

"How would I advertise it?"

"I don't know. But not the way you have been."

" 'Death for Sale!' sound better?"

"Not by much."

Erik turned away and plumped down in his plastic chair. His cubicle was tight, to put it simply. Not that the cat had much trouble with it. For having finished college right across the street and found a job immediately, it was actually quite the steal. A ceiling fan whirred just outside.

"I'm sorry, man, but you'll have to find a better cat for the job." Sam offered an encouraging grin.

Erik tried lamely to return it. For a moment, Sam wondered if it would have been better to offer more help. But his old friend didn't seem like the kind who would stop at a few suggestions. Just, just try to test it out with me. Come on. Hypotheses remain just so until some real work is put into them. Then they mean more than just a duple flimsy dots of ink on paper! Words Erik had used numerous times before.

Sam sighed again, his massive lungs forcing air out with a low growl. He turned and left the room, nodding at Erik as he left.

Once outside the oppressive space, he caught the gaze of a lamb secretary. She smiled at him shyly.

"Did he try to get you to... You know - just for him?" Her coat was trimmed and tightly placed inside her slim purple dress. If she stood she would have barely reached Sam's ribs. Her voice was genteel.

"Why didn't you warn me?" His smile let her know he was only kidding around.

She shrugged. "He has so much hope. They'll evict him at this rate."

"That's a shame."

"Yes, indeed."

Sam turned and pushed the glass doors open, the pads on his paws leaving faint marks. He turned towards the other facility, his pockets feeling lighter with each step. Summer was drawing near. Going home meant entering certain doom. Getting an apartment and stable job would mean abandoning his schooling. He just needed enough to get him to next month for now. One step at a time, he told himself. One step.

. . .

After about ten minutes of interviewing, the sleep-test conductors politely turned him down. Sam's gait fell visibly. His options were out. He calmly made his way back to his dorm, locked the door behind him, and fell into his bed. His tail swung around his legs, the soft gold brush at the end tickling his ankles. He placed his paws on his head, his claws digging into the lengthy mane.

Ok, everything is ok. He just needed some time to recollect. He needed to gather his thoughts. He wasn't losing anything - it was all just temporarily misplaced. Opportunities present themselves. Encouraging words of the past, of a life long left behind, echoed in the endless chambers of his mind. They offered only a breath of reconciliation before puffing back into obscurity.

He turned and lay on his back, watching the popcorn ceiling do absolutely nothing. Just like him. He grit his teeth.

There had to be something he could do. He could pay for rent with his meal-money. He could live off ramen, most students did. He could even move into a cheaper dorm with five to a room instead of just two. Life had many facets.

His spirit perked up, but only dimly.

"Moping again, bud?"

His ear twisted towards the door way. He lifted his head. His roommate leaned against the doorframe.

Sam grinned. "Nah, hot day. Decided to lie down." No one needed to know what was happening. Jaecob's life was already difficult enough. He didn't need to add his own weight.

"Wanna play a game or something?" Jaecob crossed his arms, the tufts of black fur stuck out at his elbows.

"I'm good." Couldn't focus anyway.

"Ok, I'm here if you need me." He padded away, pulling out of Sam's life just as quickly as he had poked his head in.

Sam lay back down. He placed his paws over his eyes and counted to a hundred. Nothing is going to get to him. Sitting there won't fix his problem. He could get up and keep going. He always did. He had to. He swung his legs forwards, his couple minutes of sulking now behind him. He glanced at the mirror, shooting himself a broad grin.

"We got this!"

"You and your multiple personalities?" Jaecob called from the living room.

"No - yeah - no," Sam retorted, dropping an octave at each interval.

Jaecob laughed his gritty-strange hyena laugh. Sam felt a little better for having done so. He sat down next to him. Jaecob read while his game loaded on the screen. Sam folded his arm across the back of a couch, which was ratty and had been abused by a family who dumped it off at a garage sale. What a deal.

"You going to sit there?" Jaecob picked up a controller and waved it at him.

"Yes." Sam ignored Jaecob's gesture.

"Watch me read? Voyeur."

"You enjoy it don't you?"

Jaecob shook his head, his back hair shaking right along with him. "Not at all. Creepy lions stalking hyenas. Back to our ancestors are we?"

Sam leaned closer, breathing hard down Jaecob's neck. Jaecob yelped and scrunched his shoulders up, moving away from him. His book slapped shut in his paws. "Creep!"

"Prey."

"No, not prey, scavenger. Excuse you." Jaecob paused, gazing directly at Sam. "Did you not get a job?"

Sam sat back, trying his best not to look discouraged. "No, but I was going to go back out around the labs to see if I could find something else."

"You do realise I could--"

"No. No way."

"Why?"

"Because I don't take help from friends. I find my own way."

"But that makes absolutely no sense!" The hyena's voice became squeaky, "Friends are supposed to help you! We're roommates for crying out loud. I pay half the rent. I have to sleep next to you and listen to your God-awful snores. The least I can do is help."

"You sound like Erik but less insane."

"Erik has issues. We know that."

"He offered to give me money for dying."

"Temporarily?" Jaecob's ears perked up.

"Yes, just a quick jaunt. I'll be back fresh as new. Maybe as a banana slug, if the experiment goes wrong."

"Sounds fun."

"I was kidding."

"So was I."

Sam frowned, glowering at him. A low grumble came from inside of his throat. Pacifist as he was, his wide paws could bat around half the student body and most of the teachers. Jaecob was unfazed.

"Maybe you should help him."

"You'd have to pay for all of the rent in that case."

"No, not in that way. Be an intern in his office."

"I don't know anything about medical stuff, let along biology. I failed that class, remember?"

"You could write the emails and edit the papers they come out with." Jaecob offered.

"English majors have tough luck is what you mean to say."

"In a word."

Sam sat back. The game had already loaded in. Jaecob noticed and selected campaign mode. Another long loading screen appeared, accented with a spinning map in the corner. Well-worth the wait, he had once said. Though Sam couldn't bother to understand the appeal. There was no story. So? It was escapism, that's what mattered.

"Ok, you know what, I'm heading back to Erik."

"Tell his secretary I said hi."

"Just ask her out."

"No."

"Fine."

Sam went back out, retracing his steps as if the morning had never happened. He was happy that he had Jaecob around. May his claws be sharper than nail - he had begun an old mantra. He shook his head, as if to dislodge the old teachings. As if the old prayers he'd been taught would flick out of his ear. They wouldn't, no matter how hard he tried.

He went outside of the dorms and took a left, winding around the park. He shot the Neurology Lab a mean look. Damn them and their picky researchers. A doe on a bicycle passed him, her pink shorts glaring in the sunlight. He gave her a polite nod which she didn't acknowledge.

He reentered the Medical Research Pavilion. He was struck, for the millionth time, how different the science-side of Mary-Eleanor University was from the humanities side. They had to be mushed together into one campus. It was easier, they said. It was safer, they didn't say but meant.

The lamb looked up at him again.

"Back again?"

"I just wanted to talk to Erik, see if I could get a job as an assistant here or something. I could be your assistant if anything."

"Jaecob change your mind? Or Dean?"

Sam couldn't control his features that time. He let his eyes darken and a storm to build just below his face. The lamb noticed.

"Sorry, I forget."

"Most people do. It's ok."

"Go in. He figured you'd be back." She said, nodding at Erik's door.

ERIK HAMILTON. The golden plaque said in fine, curving letters. HEAD OF (post-mortem) RESEARCH. The post-mortem had been added in with a sticky note and Erik's signature, panicked handwriting. Below was something that had been scratched out. Sam reentered. He felt as if he was rewinding a film.

"Back agains so soon?" Erik said, clearly elated. He had glasses strapped around his head. Pencil marks smeared across the white fur of his muzzle. "I'm glad. So, when do you want to start?"

"Actually..." Sam went into his inquiry, emphasising his work ethic, and dropping a fine, subtle hint that he was in desperate search of a job. At the end he stood rigid, his tail flicking in anxiety.

Erik took it all in, almost looking serene.

"But you'll help me right?"

"If I can."

"Everyone is capable of dying."

Sam lost all his hope once again. "I don't think you understand. I don't want to die. I can't right now, actually, my schedule is too full."

"You won't be dead-dead though. Just dead. Half dead. You'll get to see the dead without the having to die part."

"That makes absolutely no sense."

"It does if you're me."

"But I'm not. Do you understand that?"

"Vaguely. Everyone is one. Don't you remember?"

"Everyone is one, all is one, and in spirit we unite. For, u..." Sam stopped, angry. "Why do you bring it up? I'm trying to strangle the past."

"I noticed. Hence why I bring it up." Erik leaned back. "Also, stop roaring."

"I'm not." Sam said, but lowered his voice regardless. "Look, if people saw a Lion from, well, that part of the theological world they'd get concerned and getting a job would be a lot harder."

"This is a new century. We're beyond petty prejudices."

"Maybe you are, but you're..."

"I'm what?" Erik said, looking into Sam as if he could see each individual neural pathway fire. As if he could see straight into the chemical compounds that made up Sam's brain. His claws clicked against his desk. Sam lowered his head in shame. His anger had gotten to him, yet again. Maybe it was the stress.

"You're less of a threat."

"You meant to say crazy."

"No."

"Don't lie. It's unseemly."

"I..."

"Well, whatever," Erik shrugged it off, his strange tone gone as if it had never been. He leaned forwards. "Start tomorrow. I'll get Mindy to put you on the clock. You come, you do whatever anyone wants you to do, and if I need you you come by. Decent pay for decent work."

"I--thank you." Sam said solemnly, bowing his head yet again.

Erik was purring.

"If you find any candidates for my test let them drop by. I pay handsomely - in inquiry that is."

Sam laughed. "Sure, I'll see what I can do."

Erik shook his head. Sam left, feeling all the better. And slightly ashamed. He should have done this before and saved himself time and energy. Using more energy means needing more food. Wasting energy means wasting food. He shouldn't do that.

The lamb waved at him good-bye. "See you tomorrow."

"News spreads fast."

"Or our walls are thin."

Sam swallowed hard. When she made no other comment, he went on his way. He trembled slightly. His secret was being forcefully pried open by Erik, like an oyster with something dark and inky inside.

But hey at least he had a job.