Sociophobia
Thought I'd upload this, It's different from my first two stories and there isn't any sex in if :o
I hope someone likes it...
Soft padded fingers rested above keys, frozen in apathy. They didn't care how he felt, it seemed, they wouldn't press down a single stroke even if the tiger begged his fingers to move, but it wasn't entirely their fault.
It was hard enough to focus even though he was paying little attention to the music blaring out of the speakers on either side of his computer screen; distorted growls over distorted guitar, over powerful drums; the concoction to a deathcore band. The song had come on as his computer shuffled songs at random. If anything the music helped him focus as it negated the noise from beyond his door. The sounds of televisions and open mouths, obnoxious feuds and fights and or laughs and cries barely making past the superior sound waves of music. The lyrics only vaguely reached his pierced ears, lyrics that matched how he felt.
"Leading the tables turn
As we fail not to create
A false sense of eradication
To revel in, separation
I detest this life
Inching but seeming to end this life
Surprising your neurons it's all with time
That meaning will creep inside. Much soon you will find.
You'll find you're closer, closer to the fucking fight"
The going ons beyond his door didn't matter to him, and rarely concerned him. He was a part of a different world within a world; a sanctuary where the world couldn't affect him with its turmoil and strife. He was becoming sick of it and had long given up on the other inhabitants of such a dead planet. fur-kind was destroying a world with its constant bigotry. It was still everywhere in the world; in the mouths and muzzles and beaks of all. Jokes or harmless names spoken by people unaware that they still offend, words that have not lost their potency. All from people concerned more about him or herself than the smaller things in life never seemed to matter more than a moment's time.
"Closer to the fucking...........
Fire it's depleting but the spark will soon
Rekindle all that truly recedes
I have no place to show you it will come trust Me
You soon shall see"
The black leather desk chair creaked under his weight as the tiger leaned back, hand resting on his orange and black head with a sigh, staring at the cursor blink over and over on the white screen. He could sit there like that until eternity come if he wanted to. Provide him with enough music, food and internet connection and this could be his world for the rest of his life. It was a ridiculous thought but a part of him truly felt like he could be content with just that. The rest of the world could just rot for all he cared.
"I wish that our lives weren't
The facade they seem to be
Somehow the purpose was just lost for me
Left to your discretion
You decide.... Your only way
Don't let me the oppression
Manipulate your only way
Leading the times have turned to show the
Mass decay of your will to fight
In separation only to see Eradication"
He felt like he could separate himself from the world while they eradicated the remains with their greed and chauvinism. "Who needs people?" He purred to himself as the song ended triumphantly.
With everything he felt he couldn't get a single word out and onto the screen; writers block being a forgotten reason. He didn't think that's what was causing his thoughts to freeze up and stand still. They were all there but the metal block over his mind regulated the words, phrases and sentences he needed to form the structure of his stories. It was because of this strange lost of brain juice that caused the many unfinished documents on his flash drive, some consisting of nothing more than a couple of sentences.
Briefly the large tiger's golden brown eyes swept over the folder on his desk that held his art work, mostly pencil drawings of characters from his stories that he would illustrate. Sometimes drawing would help him with writers block, truth be told he was a good drawer on top of being able to write decent stories. Everyone who saw his work would agree that he would be a great manga illustrator, or animator, but he had a secret he shared with little few. While he could draw, it was nearly impossible to do so without having to first see something and having to draw off of that. He felt bad about it; taking a drawing or picture that he had saved to his computer from some other artist and using it as a guideline for his work. While it turned out slightly different from the original, they would all be too alike.
But what he had wasn't writers block. He would almost go as far to say that it was a loss of interest. The tiger loved writing; he had been doing so since he was thirteen. A cub with a passion to write out his thoughts and ideas, to form them into things he could share with others and express himself, but now, with so many other tempting things to do like watching porn or listening to music, writing just sounded dull in comparison.
A new song began; it was almost a shock to go from one extreme to another. He loved music of many different kinds, from deathmetal to classic rock, electronica and ambiance, even Japanese electro pop rock. Just jumping from All Shall Parish to Fleetwood Mac was still a strange jump he never had gotten use to.
With another heavy tiger sigh he lifted himself out of the chair and paced from wall to wall in his small twenty by twenty bedroom. It was tidy, a little dusty but everything was in order and obsessive compulsively placed neatly in designated spots. Though he didn't have much room to maneuver, bed being directly parallel to his desk, there was just enough room to walk between them. A dark spot on the carpet marked the path he would walk when stricken with ‘writers block', heavy bottom paws wearing the carpet as he paced in his rut.
"Sweet wonderful you,
You make me happy with the things you do,
Oh, can it be so,
This feeling follows me wherever I go."
"Sorry Christy Mcvie, I guess I don't share your feelings." The tiger spoke to himself, feeling a strange tingle of sadness rise from his throat.
The large feline would get a glimpse of himself as he passed in front of his six foot tall mirror hanging on the wall behind his door. Bare orange and white fur striped in black stretched over his muscular torso. He had been gaining a little bit of weight since high school and his bulky frame was being expanded by snacks he would sneak when he was board. It was a defense mechanism if he ever saw one, but one he couldn't really do anything about. His parents just bought more and more junk food and he had no one to exercise with. No one to go hiking or bike riding, even a simple stroll was out of the picture unless it was to trek the half mile down hill to the Seven Eleven for more snacks. It left him alone to do push-ups and sit-ups, between stories or drawings, but he was starting to lose interest in even that.
"I never did believe in miracles,
But i've a feeling it's time to try.
I never did believe in the ways of magic,
But i'm beginning to wonder why."
"Because they don't exist." The tiger said stopping to stare at himself in the mirror, placing both hands on his white belly fur. He loved the way he looked, he wasn't conceded or anything like that, he was just attracted to himself. Although, regardless of what he thought he still didn't like being around people, the countless eyes of people judging and deducing what they thought of him. It burned to be in the center of attention in that way. It was another thing if someone was looking at him in fear, his big frame and multiple piercings carried around an intimidation factor. He never had to be in a fight in his entire life and at the rate he was going he probably wouldn't have too.
"Don't, don't break the spell,
It would be different and you know it will,
You, you make loving fun,
And i don't have to tell you you're the only one."
"I know already," The tiger said rolling his eyes at the old news. "I am the only one." He said it so easily, like it had been rehearsed. Like he had already come to the conclusion that he would be alone the rest of his life and that's all there was too it.
He almost went back to his chair. He had tons of porn on his computer and he remembered it had been a while since his last paw. Just another distraction to prevent him from getting something done, a road block that wanted him to quit the last few things that kept him useful in this world. He had already given up on people, friends, school, jobs, money, pleasurable things, pleasurable company. But he remembered he still had passion for some things, however quickly they were slipping away from him.
His gaze lingered on the mirror, if he didn't do some sit-ups soon his belly would continue to grow and soon all he'll be able to wear would be the gym shorts he now had on, not having the money to pay for new cloths. It was kind of ok with him, he liked being nearly clothless anyways, but not outside his room; another strange phobia he had. He flexed, not something he normally did, arms up, each fist on the side of his neck.
He wasn't a show off, like, let's say his brother, who was different that him in so many ways. He didn't read or write, he had tons of friends of all kinds, did drugs, smoked cigarettes, and was straight; the exact opposite of the tiger now sating over his muscular form. The only things they had in common were their sense of humor and love of music, but even there they were separated by differences.
Christine McVie's voice died away as the song ended, he didn't have anyone to love him that way and it hurt a bit as the song ended on a happy note. Still trying to decide whether to paw-off or do some stomach crunches he gazed about his small room, searching his small list of options before giving in to one of the two choices. He could always pick up a book and read, but he needed silence to read and there was none of that in this house. Within the brief silence between songs he could hear someone yelling about some controversial issue that was nothing more than noise to the tiger. He tried not to pay any attention to it, as he his eyes ran over the authors on his shelf.
Clive Barker, Roger Zelazny, Jonathan Carroll, James P. Blaylock, They all sounded fascinating, having read something from each author but he knew that reading was impossible at present time. He still wanted to Paw-off but instead forced himself to the ground as the next song started.
It brought his good spirits back a bit. L'Arc~en~ciel did this to him quite often. Even though he could only understand parts of the song, words and phrases he did know jumped out at him. It made his sit-ups a little more enjoyable as his muscles worked under the strain.
"... reality that exists here
... yesterdays to look back on
... unbroken sky
To a world without a single shadow"
It sounded nice to him, a shadowless world. No dark corners for drug dealers to sell a hit in. Living in a bright place where no one is afraid to step out into the hustle and bustle of the world. No abysmal, lonesome room to spend eternity in...
"Tear apart the darkness, hold proudly the overflowing light" Hyde sung in Japanese while the tiger sat up, hands behind his head only to lower himself again in the repetition of sit-ups.
"If I ‘could' I would obliterate it." The tiger panted, warm breath brushing the fur on his knees every time he sat up.
"... hold out your hands
I could take you...
Floating higher...
... untouched by gravity"
As he reached one hundred he fell back and spread his arms, fur matted with sweet, tongue hanging out the side of his mouth, he really was getting out of shape. Those must have be worth something, he thought patting his stomach, sore muscles flexing beneath fur. It counted as useful in his book, and with that he stood, only glancing at himself in the wall mirror.
If he could he would obliterate the shadows in people's hearts.
He froze, a grin crossing his maw. He nearly threw himself into his chair and spun to face the screen, still blank as ever. The tiger laced his fingers together, cracking them before diving down to the black keys. He began typing, eyes darting between monitor and keyboard, fingers a blur as they wrote. Of course this only lasted a few moments but it never died out. He never could keep a constant pace, to many things constantly whizzing through his head prevented that, but he didn't have to stop and ponder for more than a few seconds to look up synonyms and check his spelling. In his opinion he was a terrible speller, just short of dyslexic, he blamed it on the English language for being hard.
For some strange reason or another, the next song was also L'Arc~en~Ciel, an older and much slower song. The reason was that he had almost everything they had ever released and the odds weren't slim that the shuffle falls on another one of their songs. This song also had a larger amount of English, Japanese was peppered throughout but the meaning got through easily.
"In the moon, want to sleep, want to sleep
With the silence, you heal me again
Through the long and trying day you save me
In the moon, I'm just veiled in the silver shining."
The tiger's words flow through his fingers, fueled by the song. It reverberated throughout his body and brought up the emotions that mirrored in the characters of the story. Two young lovers that have eternity to spend with each other, it sounded sappier than hot cum. The tiger smiled at the phrase and included it to create an air of sarcasm. He didn't want his readers to think he was some sentimental kitty cat. Sarcasm usually dripped from the pages of his work, but this time he figured to try putting a little bit more passion into the story, something he had never had himself, yet he seemed well enough informed of the going ons of lovers to be able to write such a tale.
"In the sun, want to sleep, want to sleep
With the sunrise you wake me again
And make a fuss without notice you confuse me
In the sun, I just beg, longest sleepless night."
The tiger notices tears filling his eyes, he's moving himself. With a stupid grin he playfully punches himself in the cheek for crying, for feeling the passion of the fictional characters that seemed more real than his very existence.
"There is nothing I want, I stay with you
and lose all go and sail the sea, I've never gone in the sun." They lyrics kindle the fire fueling the tale. The tiger can tell that every word in the song sufficed to something important to the story.
Face wet and chest tight in emotion he nears the end, the ending of some cheap masterpiece that will never move anyone except in their pants. While it ‘was' hot, sexy, full of yiffy goodness, it was something that the tiger had never experienced himself and yet had seemed to have written so well. He would get good reviews, well dones, and I want mores, he wasn't expecting them but he knew they would come.
"There is nothing I want, I stay with you
and lose all, stand still
close to the moon
lose all, we will go
Please stay with me
and lose all, go and sail the sea, I've never gone in the sun"
As the last words drip from his fingers and onto the florescent screen a familiar sound pops up as the song ends. His fingers freeze over ‘The End', blood draining from his face, heart wanting to force its way up out of his throat as the Instant Message window opens revealing a smiley face with the words ‘hey, are you up?' following the emoticon. He stares at the words reading them and rereading them as if they were the last thing he would read, mouth open slightly in worried panic. The seconds stretched, thinning and thinning until the tiger new any second another line of black words would come.
"ToKu, you there? Just wanted to see how you were, your last story worried me."
The words appeared with another ring of the sound, along with the start of a song by Apex Twin; an instrumental song titled; Rhubarb, one of the more beautiful and saddest songs he had on his machine that he wished he could shut off this very second. His hands remained frozen, arms and legs dared not move for fear of giving off some sort of sign of life. He wanted to hide, he felt like prey beneath the predators piercing gaze. He didn't know what to do; tears began to escape his eyes again, this time from fear and not some silly fantasy. He wanted to take a deep breath but instead choked on the air resulting in a painful cough.
"I just wanted to let you know that it was a great story, very realistic, just a little sad." The ding shook him, ravaging his body with tremors as the kind words burned into his retinas. He didn't know what to do, he hadn't saved his story yet and there was no way he could just close out the message box now, that would be rude...
Why did he have to download that stupid messenger, why couldn't he just tell the truth and say that he didn't want to have a live conversation with the bear? Because he was polite and wasn't stuck up and didn't want to offend anyone, but now he had to get away somehow, he couldn't deal with it.
"MOVE," ToKu growled at his fingers that hadn't moved an inch since the first ring. More tears flooded his eyes, blurring his vision until the computer screen was a bright smudge before him. "Please" he begged himself, whimpering more than growling this time. "Please, move."
"I guess you're away, I'll talk to you later, can't wait for the next story."
When the machine rang again this time ToKu felt the muscles in his arms convulse and with a sudden jerk of terror rammed his finger into the surge protector his monitor sat upon, blackening the screen before the letters b.y.e. could signal another ding, erasing his story and silencing the music.
He sat there, hunched over, tears streaming down furry cheeks shaking in a nonexistent cold. He could move again but all he did was pull his arms into himself, hugging his face with his hands, crying in fear of something or someone miles away. He couldn't stop shaking; it felt too comforting to let himself stay upset even though all communication to his room had been cut off.
He felt stupid but the fear in his chest was real, the pit in his stomach ached and the tears on his cheeks burned. It took awhile but he was finally able to lower his arms and looked about him, as if expecting something to happen. It was then that another ring sounded though the room, bringing with it a sudden twinge of panic. His ears flattened to his head in embarrassment when he realized it was just his cell phone's alarm clock. That was the only thing it was useful for, no one important called him, it didn't even have service anymore because his parents couldn't afford it, nor could he. The only reason he still had it was to remind him to take his medication. It was for his anxiety but even after two months it still didn't seem to be working.
The tiger slowly rose and grabbed the little orange bottle off his bookshelf, twisting off the cap and retrieving a single pill from within. He hated taking medication; it reminded him of pill poppers who got high off prescription drugs. His weren't habit forming, but still...
He swallowed the pill in a single gulp; not wanting to mingle with anyone outside his room had forced him into swallowing them dry which was always an unpleasant feat.
Still shaken and upset over losing his story the tiger crawled into bed after removing his scant clothing, laying there with his arms over his head in the cool darkness. He thought of his characters that had lived for such a brief time, how happy they were, how comfortable they were with one another. ToKu felt himself come out of his sheath as he remembered what he had had them do. The images flashed in his head; the passion, the heat, the love they shared. It made the tiger smile faintly; at least they were still in his head, where they rightfully belonged, it seemed.
The Silver Shining lyrics pop back into his head. That song was going to be a new favorite; it had created them, made them love each other. It was a pity he wasn't going to be able to share the story with someone other than himself. Trying not to think of that though he slowly pawed himself into dream induced sleep, filled with the images of his creations. ToKu had been upset to lose them in words but he still had them in his mind and in his dreams where they would stay with him for the rest of his life, or at least until he awoke.
The End
Note: While the characters name is ToKu like mine It's not necessarily how my fursona acts, though he is shy :3 Why do you think his back is turned in his picture!