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LAST TIME ON ZOMBIES ARE WANKERS: Goodbye, safe-ish survivor colony.

Everybody woke up very late in the morning, having no alarm clock to wake them up, nor any obligations for them to get up to fulfill, other than surviving. Albus and Morry were sleeping in each other's arms, and Morry woke up first. She immediately jumped out of Albus's embrace and brandished her 8-gauge double-barrel shotgun, pointing it at his face as he snapped his head up in its direction. "What the actual fuck do you think you're doing, snuggling up to me like that!?" she asked, in full view of everybody else. "You started snuggling with me in your sleep and I just went with it, because I wasn't complaining or anything. Otherwise, I'D have woken you up and asked YOU that question!"

Nick and Judy woke up in each other's arms as well, but neither one of them was complaining. "So, Carrots. How'd you sleep?" "Fine. I had this really nice dream that society was back to normal and we were able to raise or kids in safety." "I bet they're gonna turn out great no matter what" Bogo was woken up by his own snoring, it being so loud it could be used as a sonic weapon. "Who woke me up when I'm still this tired?" "You did, with your own snoring" Albus remarked. Bellwether simply got up and out of bed with a sadistic grin on her face, eyeing Albus and Morry, then Nick and Judy. Wesha, already awake, was praying for herself. "Dear lord, please give me the strength to tolerate these sinners and their abominations, and cure them of their sickness."

Chip the cynical gay Raccoon was also already awake, walking past her and saying "Bitch, just fucking stop. There's nothing wrong with me being into the cock, but there IS something wrong with you trying to interfere in people's lives. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be hitting on Bogo a bit. He turned to Bogo. "Why hello, stud. I was just wondering if you had anything you had to do this morning." "Nothing, really, but I'm pretty sure I'm straight, and I don't feel all that curious right now, especially since we have other concerns to worry about." Albus offered his own input with a "You know, you really ought to be curious with the 'other concerns' you have. Even in civilization as we knew it, there was no telling when something or someone would end it all out of fucking nowhere. That's even more of a problem here and now, where one little bite might make your best friend rip your throat out with his teeth. Also, you're going to die of something at some point anyways. Might as well get the best mileage you can out of the one life you have."

Judy was about to ask where he got this mentality, but Albus answered before then by handing her his journal. "Anyone who's curious as to why I am what I am now, just read that and you'll figure out on your own." It wasn't bound like any other book. It had the same dimensions as printer paper, and the pages were printer paper with lines on it to make it look very similar to line paper and serve the same function. The pages were bound not with a ringed binder or glue, but with very thick thread woven through perfectly-sized holes cut with laser precision in the paper. Also woven in, frequently being woven into the sheets of paper themselves, were other paraphernalia, from a U.S. map with a bunch of more and more detailed maps of smaller and smaller areas inside of it, to personal photos and messages, to even sealable pockets with things in them. The cover read "The Wonderful, Miserable Life of Albus Kane", as though it were a novel.

Judy opened it, and saw a prologue passage that left a face of shock and horror on her. "Feel free to read it" Albus said. She read the story of his being bullied since his age was in the single digits for his Asperger's Syndrome. the further bullying that came with not conforming to gender roles, the conversion therapy and even more severe bullying from his coming out as bisexual and genderqueer, and what he did before he finally left home. [See: Backstories: Albus Kane (ZaW)] She read about school ending early because of the news, but nobody at the school telling the children; his going home, crafting his weapons and gear for the future, and accepting-and even being happy about-possibly never returning home; how he lost his virginity to an attractive female Bunny teacher of his, who wanted to live her life to the fullest before the end, and was also in heat; and how he killed his own bullies, albeit in self-defense, before leaving.

"Wanna know more?" Nick, Judy and Bogo did out of morbid curiosity; Bellwether did because she wanted to hear about his mental anguish, the anguish of others being very pleasurable for her to witness or even hear about; and Chip and Wesha didn't want to, but they were all outvoted. Judy got to the part about how his crush of 8 years, Jem, died. She fought off zombies for as long as she could to buy people time to escape, before taking out as many as possible in an explosion. She got to the part of that entry that read: "I never got the chance to tell her how I truly felt about her, and now she's gone forever. I'm still going to keep going, though, because there IS someone else out there for me. I just know it, and I'm not going to make the same mistake with them, not when I could lose them that easily." At the end of that very same day, he met his new crush, a Raccoon named Darius.

"After I saved Darius and his younger siblings from the motherfucker that killed their mother, I found out that the infected Raccoon guy that attacked me earlier used to be Darius's father. He was alright with it, though, and we talked for a while before I started to wonder if I had fallen in love with him this quickly. I'm still wondering that, and after being raised for almost all of my life up to this point being told that I was going to be punished for all eternity if I fell in love or even had simple, impersonal, casual sex with another man, it's driving me completely fucking mad. By the way, anyone else who reads this, because I know that if I don't show someone else, someone is going to just find it and take it, his siblings were John and Jane."

"Why aren't you two together, then?" Nick asked. "Keep reading and find out" Albus replied, barely holding back tears, just to stop Bellwether from getting her own sick satisfaction out of watching him break down in tears of pain and anguish. Albus, as the journal also said, was 16 at the time, and Darius was 18. Albus and Darius were scavenging for non-perishable food items in a grocery store when they came across someone that was going to be a major point of discussion: Sheer Matau Jarai, a tall, muscular, abnormally stoic Reindeer with his antlers sharpened into serrated blades. He joins them, and proves himself to be very valuable to them. Shortly afterwards, Albus confessed his feelings for Darius, and they had sex for the first time. The entry: "It technically lasted for barely a quarter-minute before we both reached orgasm, but it just felt so good and time seemed to slow down as we savored every last moment together. I just don't know what will happen next, though, and I don't want to lose him. I no longer can see what I'd do without him."

Then Judy reached the point where Darius died. He held off and mowed down an entire legion of zombies to save everybody else, and Albus went to him, seeing him still at least mostly intact. Darius was infected, though. They said their goodbyes and spent as long as they could embracing each other, being unable to kiss without infecting Albus as well. Then, Albus killed Darius. The entry: "And then I was about to end it all and join him wherever he was, whether it was an empty void, heaven, hell, purgatory or wherever else, and I would be happy with wherever it was as long as I could be with him again. Then I realized something: every single moment we spent together, from small moments like eating meals together and saying 'I love you' every so often and snuggling as we went to bed together, to big moments like my confessing my love for him or the consummation of our relationship or the blissful but bittersweet final moments we spent together, even on its own, was more than worth the pain of losing him. That's when I decided to keep going, and to move on. I'd probably never be able to let go of him completely, though."

Judy read aloud the part about the memorial, and Sheer taking the kids with him to protect them. WRITER'S NOTE: the next part isn't in the Backstories episode talking about this, but I feel like I should have put it in. BACK TO THE STORY. Then she got to the part about when he met Wesha. She blamed his suffering on the relationship being with somebody of the same sex, and his being an atheist, once she knew those details, and she decided to follow him around to try and "save him", even as he kept trying to find a way to leave her behind without hurting her. Eventually, as she was driving him insane, he threatened her with death, though he wasn't going to go through with killing her anyways. She then finally left him alone. That's when he started living in a heavily-modified RV of his own, but eventually, he got lost and never saw it again. He became a wanderer, eventually leading to where our story started. She read about that part too.

Then Bellwether opened her sadistic fucking trap. After cackling with cruel glee, she said "Aww, did your little boo die? Maybe you shouldn't have let yourself fall in love in a place like this in the first place. You normal people and your compassion are just so-" "The LAST thing you would be correct in calling me, and the LAST thing that I want to be called, is normal. All of my suffering before then was, in some way or another, because I WASN'T like everybody else, even during that one small period in my life where I had a phase where I bent over backwards just to fit in! Now that I'm finally confident and proud of who I am, you are not going to pretend I'm someone I'm not. Bi with a preference for masculine women, genderfluid, nowhere near completely masculine or feminine, and not the least bit ashamed of my Asperger's Syndrome." Everybody but Wesha and Bellwether started clapping.

Then someone knocked on the door. Albus opened it, and instantly went from somewhat miserable to overcome with glee. "SHEER! AND THE KIDS TOO! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I MISSED YOU GUYS!" He turned to everybody and said "This is Sheer Matau Jarai, the one who somehow managed to resist giving in to fear or sadness or anger or hate, but still was able to show genuine compassion and empathy for others after he received almost none from anybody else beforehand. And these are my two brothers-in-law or something, John and Jane." "Aww, just look at them! They're just so adorable" Judy exclaimed, as Jane started to play with Judy's ears, and John hugged Albus's leg before Albus moved him off, picked him up and hugged him very tightly. "I'm insanely fucking glad that you're still alright after all this time."

Then Sheer started talking in his Funimation DBZ Piccolo-esque semi-monotone, strangely somewhat quavering with emotion. "This is all well and good, but we're here because I started a survivor colony before I left to find you. I only brought the little ones along because they left the colony WITHOUT MY PERMISSION and we were already too far away for me to bother bringing them back by the time I noticed. Who else wants to go with me there?" Everybody was in agreement. "That's great, but it's quite a ways away. We're in downtown Los Angeles, and it's all the way in Seattle. It's going to be a very long trip, and that much I can guarantee."

NEXT TIME ON ZOMBIES ARE WANKERS: they're OFF TO SEATTLE!!! Also, they scavenge a little, so things of course go wrong.