Hurt
#2 of Coming in From the Cold
My second attempt at a story, oh dear. After looking at the first part, I realised there was very little conflict, which is kind of...boring. So this chapter is a bit more ....I tried not to go too overboard, I didn't want some hollywood-style massive set-piece, I wanted it to be Ethan explaining himself in a safe place. I think for the most part it works, especially for something that is mostly dialogue...even managed to end on a cliffhanger!!
I've experienced some of the themes and ideas presented here, so I hope they feel a little bit authentic. Obviously this is a work of fiction and far from my actual experience, but a lot of these sorts of thoughts and concepts are from earlier in my life.
It's rated adult for the swearing and themes I suppose. Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoy it.
It took a few minutes for Ethan to say anything. Marc was busy upstairs, deliberately keeping away for a little while, and Ben just sat patiently. Ethan spent the first minute fidgeting, unsure what to do with his eyes. They seemed to flash all over the place, scanning for somewhere to go...anywhere. After a bit he began to relax, and Ben noticed that his overall tenseness had lessened. Eventually, the young wolf sucked in a breath to speak.
"I feel...like I'm going to be alone forever." He began. Ben tilted his head ever so slightly, one of his ears twitching.
"And why would you say that?" He asked.
"Well...I'm just...broken inside. Y'know? Like I can't feel anything. Taylor and I broke up a little while ago, that's where this started." Taylor was another wolf, and had been Ethan's girlfriend for the last year or so.
"Well why did you guys break up? Lets start there."
"I don't even remember to be honest. We'd been fighting about something...I think she wanted to move in with me. I didn't want that." He looked down at his open hands, unsure where to go. This time Ben didn't respond; he wanted to see what Ethan might say without any kind of prompt.
"Like, I'm crazy okay? I accepted that more than a while ago..."
"Ethan, you aren't crazy." Interrupted Ben.
"No, no it's fine. I'm not an easy person to be around. I spend all day with myself Ben, and I definitely wouldn't move in with me. But when we live separately, I can uh...contain the crazy for a bit." Ethan pulled his tail into his lap, absent-mindedly playing with it. "But if we were to live together...I'd have nowhere to go. There'd be no room for a break, or a breather. I'd...I'd fucking suffocate Ben."
"Ethan, it's more than acceptable to have your own boundaries in a relationship. For it to be healthy, you guys need to operate on a level that has you both feeling comfortable. You should not have Taylor move in because she wants that. You need to both want it, or it just won't work." The fox struggled for a moment to find the correct words, but ended up surrendering the sentence he had and said it as bluntly as he could. "You also have the right to be happy."
"I dunno. I feel so bad though, like every single fucking time I say no...she might leave. Or hate me, so I was trying to find someway to say I didn't want to move in...I tried explaining it. That I wasn't easy to live with, but she thought I was just using all my shit as an excuse. Again."
"Whoa, wait. What do you mean by again?" Ben sat forward, a tiny bit concerned and trying not to show it.
"She's always saying how I use all my shit as an excuse, to not go out, or not get a better job or this or that. Says that I'm lazy...She's right on some levels to be honest, but there's some things I can't do."
"Mate, I don't want to, well, I can't tell you what it is you can and cannot do." Began Ben, choosing words carefully. "However, if you don't feel comfortable or safe to do something, then that is a perfectly acceptable reason not to."
Ethan sat in silence at that, looking straight at the floor. Ben suspected there were a few tears in his eyes he was trying to hide.
"Okay fine. But last week, we had a massive fight, in my house. She came over and we had dinner and she somehow casually mentioned about bringing some stuff of hers over. I...I froze. I didn't know what to say, I thought I told her what I wanted but I just...just did it all wrong. She was doing it anyway and I panicked."
"That_is_ somewhat of a tricky situation, I won't lie about it." Said Ben.
"And she melted down too. She started screaming about how all I cared about was myself, and I just sat there. She walked around yelling this and that but I barely listened. I completely tuned her out man, I don't even know how. So she left, and I just sat there, watching TV. I feel like such an asshole."
"We all make mistakes, it's okay. Nobody is perfect..." He was quickly cut off when Ethan sat straight up and looked directly into his face.
"But don't you fucking get it?! I did exactly what everyone did to me. You remember, don't you? When I was fourteen and I hated everything, because I had all these feelings...all this shit and evil inside me..." The older fox cringed at the word evil, but didn't stop Ethan from talking. "And nobody seemed to want to talk about it. I felt so...so...so worthless. They didn't care that I had feelings, and that they weren't good. My friends, teachers and grandparents only wanted to talk to me if I was acting 'normal'."
"I remember. It was one of your biggest problems, wanting to be noticed." He saw Ethan's eyes flash, and quickly added, "Which is perfectly acceptable, and more than normal. Everyone just wants to know they're being heard, trust me." The young wolf nodded in reply to that, wiping another tear away.
"But I hated that so much, and I promised myself then I would never do that to someone. I promised that I wouldn't...uh, invalidate them like that and make someone feel small by ignoring them."
"I can see where you're going with this and..."
"BUT THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I DID!" Ethan threw his hands up in the air. "I just fucking...ignored her! Taylor tried to open up to me, maybe not in the best way, but she really tried to get through my thick, fucking skull and I ignored her like she was nothing. I just stared straight ahead." The wolf let himself fall back onto the couch, eyes red and his paws balled up into fists.
"The main focus of this experience Ethan is that you know that. You've recognised that how you acted, I'm sorry, but you've seen that it was selfish. And you can make that right. Now what happened here was that Taylor didn't handle the situation very well either, and you know that exploding like that at people only makes them defensive." He was about to launch into some therapist-solutions, but Ethan cut him off.
"No...no that's not the worst part." Was all he said.
"Oh." Replied Ben. "What happened next then?"
"I was hanging out the next day. On the couch, and just...thinking about the night and what happened. I...I realised that..." His head fell into his paws and his shoulder shook with sobs. Ben wanted to comfort him, but now wasn't really the time. He just gave the young wolf a minute. "S...sorry." Sobbed Ethan.
"It's okay. Just take a second to breathe." Ethan did, breathing slowly in and out. Deliberately holding his hands still in his lap.
"Okay...I...I realised that...I...I really didn't care." He squeezed his eyes shut and a few tears rolled into his fur. "I didn't care that she hated me, I didn't care that she felt neglected. I didn't give a...a shit_about her, at _all!" Ben mentally hit himself, this had really thrown the young fur. He took a moment to decide what to say.
"When we experience moments of stress...our head...it goes into a kind of shut down, sometimes...like self-preservation. This is different for everyone, for some furs, they'd lash out, to stop that hurt they're feeling. They would express themselves physically, and sometimes the fur on the other side ends up copping that. So I'm glad you didn't do that...what you did do, was feel panicked and threatened by the sudden attack. Your head instantly tried to protect itself, you threw your proverbial hands up in front of your face, like a reflex. Your brain stopped caring so you wouldn't be hurt."
"You think?" Ben was glad to see Ethan open his eyes and look at him.
"Yeah. Absolutely, the fact that you're so torn up now almost proves it, in my book."
"Well...uh...I hate to ruin your day Ben, but that isn't the end." The fox resisted the urge to let his ears fall.
"That's okay. What happened next?" Ethan took a moment to breathe and collect his thoughts; his therapist quite happily let him.
"Taylor came around the next day. I think she wanted to apologise for the previous night...she came in and chatted. She said that she was really nervous about asking to move in again...and that when I gave her nothing except a shake of my head she kinda went off the deep end. She said she hoped it hadn't hurt me too much, and even suggested maybe she just stay for a couple days at a time at first, do things slowly."
"That is actually a good idea."
"I said I didn't care. I was still...still cut off, still in 'self-preservation'. She asked me what I meant and I said I wasn't fussed. Then she started probing me about how I felt last night, and when I said it didn't bother me she began to cry. She asked if she meant anything to me...she said; 'Do you even care if I live or die?'" Ben conceded to himself it was a fairly dramatic thing to say, but young people were like that.
"What did you say to her?" He asked, slightly worried.
"Well I told her the truth. I said no." Ben resisted the urge to face-palm himself. "That's_all_ I said, she asked, and I said...No. Then she started crying, so I asked what was so wrong. She started yelling about how I was broken inside and always would be. She said I was a terrible fur who used my problems as an excuse to hurt others."
"Ethan..."
"She was right. I did a lot of thinking, and drinking, but a lot of thinking. I thought about all my friends, my family, I thought about how many fucking times I've apologised for doing something awful to them to only do it again and again. They always say 'It's okay, we understand you struggle sometimes. You can talk to us you know?'. But it's not fucking okay! I feel like screaming, being fucked in the head is not an excuse to walk all over eveyone. You can't act however you want just because you take drugs to not try and kill yourself!"
"Just calm down a bit okay? It's okay to make mistakes Ethan."
"BUT THEY AREN'T MISTAKES! It's not a one-time slip up Ben! This is the same fucking shit over and over again. I am a shitty wolf , who uses my own problems to act however I want and not face any fucking consequences. I will be alone forever because of this, who could ever...ever even_stand_ being around me? I'm worthless, and useless and just...fuck." The wolf let his head drop into his hands, mumbling into them. "I deserve it, I shouldn't be allowed to have anyone near me. I wish I could just fucking leave."
Ben panicked a little. Few of his clients referred to their problems by the clinical terms, it was simply a way they personified things. Everyone identified their own problems differently, it was very rare he would have some fur sitting in his office saying; My depression is really hard right now. If they did there were usually some other things going on too. They used words like darkness, evil, emptiness, nothing, the bad part. This attitude permeated everything. For Ethan, saying something like; I need to go away, or I should just leave, is his way of saying he feels suicidal.
"No. That is never an option for you Ethan. Now that we've been talking...I'm so glad you came here. Your safety matters so much to me and Marc." He said earnestly. Ben always tried to stay away from saying things like; I couldn't deal with it if you died, or Think of how much it would hurt your parents. When confronted with suicidal friends or family, it was fairly common for someone to try and explain how that by taking their own life they could hurt others, like friends and family...The problem is, this typically had an adverse effect, making the suicidal fur feel guilty. Ben focused on making sure they felt like they mattered.
"Do you know where I was before I came here Ben?" All the fox gave in response was a shake of his head. "I was fifteen minutes down the road...at that bridge. Looking into the river. I thought about jumping Ben...I came really...really fucking close. I'm sorry but this will never stop."
"It won't always be this hard, I can promise that."
"Everyone says that killing yourself is a permanent solution to a temporary problem...but what if it's a permanent problem. I've always_been fucked up, I'll _always be fucked up. It will never be normal."
"Ethan...you don't have to be normal. You just need to work out a way to live your life on terms that you are comfortable with." At that the wolf broke down, his face in his hands, sobbing relentlessly. Ben stood up and patted the fur on his shoulder, for a moment just listening to the pup cry.
"I'm...I'm so sorry Ben...I didn't mean..." The fox was barely able to understand what he was saying amongst the tears.
"It's okay, really. I think now is a good time for a break anyway, I'll just be in the kitchen okay? You take some time to cry it out, it's perfectly alright...I promise mate." With that he left the wolf for a bit, giving him some space.
In the kitchen he found his loving boyfriend, who was casually scrolling through a touch-screen tablet, looking for something (anything) interesting to read. When he saw Ben come in, he put the device down, getting up.
"How'd it go?" He asked, walking over to his partner.
"It's still going to be honest, we just covered what's happened. Long story."
"Aw...It's so sweet of you to look after him. You know how many furs would have just turned him away? Maybe let him hurt himself or who knows what?" Asked Marc, rhetorically. He followed it up with a hug and a gentle, tender kiss to the one he saw as the most important fox in the world. Ben appreciated the comfort more than his partner knew.
"Do we have any hot chocolate? Something sweet and sugary might be good for everyone."
"Of course we do, I always have hot chocolate, you know that." Ben laughed a little, already in a better mood by just chatting aimlessly to Marc. "I'll make some and take a mug to Ethan, you sit down and just relax for a minute." Ben nodded and did as commanded, while his partner made the sweet drink.
When he walked into the lounge room, Marc saw Ethan sitting in a corner of the couch, arms folded over his knees, crying into the criss-cross caused by his elbows. The orange fox set the two mugs down on the coffee table in front of them and sat next to the young wolf. Feeling that Marc was near, Ethan almost unconsciously leaned to the left, against Marc, who put a caring arm around the wolf.
"How you doing in here buddy?" He asked light-heartedly.
"I'm okay I guess." Replied Ethan, picking up a warm mug. "Thanks, by the way."
"Ah it's cool, I love this stuff so much, but it's really bad for you." The younger fur just smiled in response.
"It's really hot too."
"It is quite literally in the name." At that Ethan returned his mug to the coffee table, next to Marc's untouched one.
"Thanks Marc...I...I'm lucky to be able to come here." That sentence made the orange fox feel immensely proud, he loved to help people. He lived for the moments when people felt better because of something he did. He felt such a protective love for the pup, he was ready to fight whoever got in the way.
He was slightly taken aback then, when Ethan leaned forwards and kissed him.
Marc quickly pulled back, looking wide-eyed and _very_surprisingly at the young wolf, who had nothing but hurt and confusion in his face.
The only thing in Marc's head right that second was:
Shit.