USC - My Little Pony Let's Play Journal
reupload from DeviantArt and a more recent one at that.
ORIGINAL DESCRIPTION:
"MY FIRST LET'S PLAY!!
I used to wonder what Friendship could be. this ain't it..."
Blackheartzero's Let's Play Journal. Subject: MLP village sim game - created by Gameloft.
ENTRY 1: Monday, OCT. 13, 2014.
Holy Hell, this is gonna hurt.
hello, and welcome to my Let's Play Journal. if your reading this, than i have just beat the game, and whatever's left of me after this has remembered to upload this Journal to DeviantArt.
i'm joking of course, this game can't be that bad...
oh, who am i kidding, if there's one thing i hate more than MLP, it's fucking Village Sims. a slow, tedious chore of a Game Genre that is more a time sink than an actual game. why do people think these are fucking good? the phone ones are the worse, these things are raging bullshit! normal Village Sims at least keep the building and managing within a decent time. but phone app village sims fucking take the piss out of you! seriously, seventeen minutes to move a fucking Pebble? are you HIGH??!
why do i bring this up? well, since i got an Android phone, i figured i'd look through the App Store to see what kind of games i can play. when lo and behold, i came across today's subject: My Little Pony. the Village Sim. yeah...
the things i do for my non existant fanbase... as i am typing this, the damned game is installing, and taking it's sweet time doing so. i turned on Wi-fi, so it ain't taking that long, but waiting for a game i'm gonna hate as the Apple Family judge me with their gaze is really starting to piss me off...
c'mon! the sooner we get started the sooner i can get back to Puzzle and Dragons! ... what's Puzzle and Dragons? oh, it's the best game i played so far on this thing! you should try it an- OH wait, it's done...
well, Intro time, this game apparently takes place during the events of the first episode, lucky me, but with a twist, after escaping the moon, Nightmare Moon has completly obliterated Ponyville.
[SPIKE: Oh no, where did everypony go? what happened to Ponyville?]
whatever happened, it's an improvement if you ask me.
[TWILIGHT: Nightmare Moon has returned and she's covered Ponyville in the darkness of night!]
well, that answers why 3/4ths of the map's darkened, but how the hell did that destroy a whole town?!
so the mission is thus; you must rebuild the town from scratch and restore the Elements of Harmony, which for some reason are on shrines scattered around the map. sure Nightmare Moon could destroy or hide the Elements where they aren't out in the open, but if stupid worked for Sunset Shimmer in Battle of Gods 5, it'll work here i guess...
so your first mission is to construct a Windmill to create bread.
[SPIKE: we're in a hurry, you can feed me a Gem and-]
no thanks, i may have downloaded this game, but i aint stupid. it's only 30 seconds, i can wait.
after building it, and asigning Twilight to the job, you get a prompt to click on the windmill and earn your first few bits. get used to this, you're gonna spend a LOT of time clicking on shit...
so now that we got that out of the way, i say it's time we start trying to activate the Elements and take the fight to Luna!
[SPIKE: nice work, Twilight!]
fuck you, Spike! i had the damned mill constructed and then i poked it to make money fall out, what about me?!
[SPIKE: ... let's play some catch to relax for a minute!]
umm, wait what about the Elements...?
(vollyball-esqe "catch" minigame ensues.)
er, ok. we can do this too. i mean, at this very moment, Britannia burns, and we should seriously get on that ASAP, but this can help too... i guess...
after you clear up the skies in the game after that, we manage to piss Luna off. prepare for Royal Canterlot Ham...
[NIGHTMARE MOON: what is this?]
i don't fucking know myself, we're trying to stop you, but the dragon brat and the bookworm want to play grabass, i'm thinking i may be the only one who gives a shit at this point. but i digress...
[NIGHTMARE MOON: a patch of sunshine amidst my beautiful darkness!?
TWILIGHT: Nightmare Moon!]
yes, Twilight, yes she is.
Spike says that Twilight's gonna kick the moon off Luna's flank, but she's all, "cool story, bro." to shut Nightmare Moon up, a prompt appears and you clear up your first bit of land.
[NIGHTMARE MOON: you'll never find the Harmony Stones in this Eternal Night.]
found them! Twilight's too chickenshit to look, but i fucked around on the map and found them all. so unless you get a dark miasma that can hide the things better than this, shut up.
after that, Luna fucks off and we meet Bon Bon. where the blue perfect shit were you? while you were God knows where, your house got knocked over by a batshit God of Darkness. but hey, best day of the week so far, am i right? speaking of which, let's get her house rebuilt so we can get more guys to work on this shit.
[SPIKE: she'll be here any second! feed me another Gem so I-]
DONE! it was only a minute's wait. we're not that stressed to hurry, kid. you just wanna snack on my funds, again, i ain't stupid...
after we get Bon Bon working, the Tutorial ends and we're left to our own devices. so the first thing i do is build a Balloon Pop Stand, NOT feed Spike a gem, and demo the Balloon Pop game. basically, you pop balloons until you get three prizes. i was playing the 10 Gem game, against my better judgement, and got a new Pony, Snails, yay for me. on the plus side, this means more labor and more money, which makes the world go 'round and will help kick Luna in the butt-butt.
... i play too much Borderlands. i'm not sad about that at all, but still.
ok, so i just gained access to a new venue, Sweet Apple Acres. so let's go check that out real quick so i can get the EXP...
so, just like Ponyville, the acres are just as fucked, and we gotta fix it up, we know this song and dance already. so yeah, i got another place to make money, we'll beat this bullshit in no time. so heading back to Ponyville...
... so i've bought a cherry stand (in Kakyoin's honor,) and got Lyra and Mrs. Cake. and i'm still waiting for them to get here. ugh, this is so- OOPS! i clicked on Twilight.
[TWILIGHT: Number 16!]
(the X-Files theme begins to play...)
... what? wh-what's that supposed to mean? that's not something i'd expect a normal character to say, is that some kind of code? what kind of conspiracy bullshit are you trying to pull, Sparkle? what the hell is Number 16?!
[TWILIGHT: ooh, pretty!]
... i got my eye on you, you bastard.
(X-Files theme fades out.)
so, i think it's time to demo the Minecart minigame. so let's see what this is about...
the story is that Pony Lady Gaga wants Gems for a dress. so i have to fuck off into a bullshit minecart and get some in exchange for fabulous cash and prizes. go us...
we get a maximum of five wheels to try it with, and they recharge either over time, or by getting them from poking at shops. basically, it's just an endless run survival game and i've played plenty of those, so let's motherfucking DO THIS!! let's pick Snails to do this; he ain't doing shit anyway and if he dies, he dies.
(rides through the level.)
ok, so far, so good... ok, speeding up when going downhill sucks, but i guess i can get used to it. not seeing what's ahead of me at high speed sucks, but thats understandable because of the side-scrolling nature of the game. and- AH, JESUS!!
(a Diamond Dog barrels in, Snails evades it with a paniced double jump.)
watch where you're going, asshole!! you could've-
(Snails finds himself about to land on a TNT barrel.)
AH! wait, it's Snails we're talking about! HA! the time has come asshole! I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL!!!
(Snails runs into it head-on AND!!... bumps into it harmlessly. Rainbow Dash swoops in to carry him off, ending the run.)
... well, my boner's gone. worst. explosive barrels. ever...
screw it, let's demo activating a Harmony Stone to wrap things up for now. the Laughter Stone is ready to go, and i have anough shards (25) to activate it. LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH...!!
(poke. Harmony Stone activates.)
oh look, Nightmare Moon's pissed. what a shock.
[NIGHTMARE MOON: so you've activated the first Harmony Stone. but i doubt you can find and activate the others!]
... do you want me to point them out on the map, bitch? the only thing keeping me from finishing this is funds, but that issue will resolve itself soon enough. i actually uncovered the Kindness stone too, let's see how much i'll need to- 100 KINDNESS SHARDS?! fuckity shit, talk about a price jump...
well, i need some PAD in my system, stat. i'll see you guys on the next update.
Blackheartzero's Let's Play Journal. Subject: MLP village sim game - created by Gameloft.
ENTRY 2: Wednsday, OCT. 15, 2014.
ok, let's continue this, i guess... i skipped a day because there's only so much Village Sim i can take. sorry if i ramble a lot, this is my first LP. the best i can hope for is that Slowbeef and Diabeetus don't see this.
so i figured out that if you reload the game, like stop playing, do something else, and come back, the Derpy box that appears sometimes will reset, allowing you to farm the Mailmare for gems. so i've been doing that... thing is, sometimes she doesn't want to appear at all. fuck it, if she shows up, she shows up. let's try for some missions... ah, here we go. the mission is to... oh god, i have to tap on my ponies. here comes the pain...
luckily, most of the ponies aren't voiced, so i can click on those voiceless ones without- OOPS!!
[TWILIGHT: Number 16!]
THE NUMBERS, TWILIGHT! WHAT DO THEY MEAN?!
finally i reach Level 10 and unlock Canterlot, now the real money making can begin! but at the same time, i've triggered the Coronation subquest. apparently completing these quests will transform Twilight Sparkle into her Alicorn form. i have not the slightest clue how to do it, so i'll ignore the subject for now. who knows, i might end up completing it by accident...
but before we get into Canterlot, let's build a Theater. i figured out you can watch videos and earn free Gems. hell, you don't even have to watch the whole video to get the gems, you could click on the link and quickly click back to the game, effectively being rewarded for the designer's incompetence! so 500 Bits, 30 seconds with Spike not eating shit, and four Youtube videos later, i'm 8 Gems richer! not gonna waste it on the Balloon game anymore, i'm saving it, and you'll see why when we get to that...
another thing, i wanted to point out how rock stupid the Story Mode is, so i purchased Pinkie Pie long before i actually had to. the result? well, as far as everyone else in concerned, Pinkie Pie is still lost in the Darkness.
hey dumbasses, i know i got a few things to do before you finally start to acknowlage her existence, but do you remember what happened to this crazy bitch the last time a huge number of people ignored her? wait, what am i bitching about?! this place needs more Serial Killers...
anyway, i got a new mission that says i gotta level Bon Bon up to Level 2, so i suppose i gotta explain how to do that a little better. you see, in order to get some ponies to work harder in shops, they need to have a high level. to do that, you have to play one of 3 minigames to earn points to level up.
these games consist of a Apple Catching game that dispite the occasional dick move, actually doesn't suck. then there's a Connect-the-dots Stargazing game that does suck, so very much. and finally, the aformentioned "Catch" game where you swat a ball back and forth, which ironically has nothing to do with catching.
but it doesn't end here, once you fill up the star, you still need to do a mandatory Cloud Clearing minigame to finalize the level up. aside from the occuring chuckle that comes from seeing someone like Big Macintosh pulling off a Sonic Rainboom, which is allegedly hard as hell to do, it's all so pointless since you can't even fail the Cloud minigame and lose the star. but at the same time, that would be some righteous Bullshit if you could.
well, that's all i can stomach for now, so i'll stop here. i'll see you all when i can work up the nerve to fuck with this again.
Blackheartzero's Let's Play Journal. Subject: MLP village sim game - created by Gameloft.
ENTRY 3: Saturday, OCT. 17, 2014.
... so i took a look at how much Bits will be needed to start business in Canterlot. 40,000 for the first accessible shop at Level 11, and the cheapest Pony is the nameless Masseuse Pony at 8,000... say, how about we tell this Canterlot Business to fuck off for a second and explore a friggin' Amazing glitch i found while farting about.
the Mane Six Ponies carry over to every location you can go to. here's where this gets awesome, when you play a minigame with one of the Six, you can go to a different venue and play another game with that pony, netting you a faster EXP gain for those six. which means i can get the Mane Six level up missions out of the way sooner than expected. yay me...
too bad you can't capitalize on this, since the Mane Six are a bunch of lazy assholes who won't work outside where they come from, even if they're unemployed back home! you try to get a Level 5 Pinkie to work at Canterlot or the Acres, she'll tell you to fuck off and go blow bits on someone who will do his shit! man, my version of Pinkie Pie's a bit of a total bitch...
one of the best bits of humor i can find in this game, apart from how hammy Nightmare Moon can be, is you can assign any Pony to any job and no one gives a shit. as such, i put the previously unemployed Pinkie Pie in charge of the Book store with Twilight Sparkle as co-worker. knowing Pinkie, your probably looking at what i proposed and are going, "My God!!"
*Pffhhh...* Your God? YOUR God?! can YOUR God force an attention defficit Party Animal into a slow, quiet, soul-crushing job in the upkeep of thousands of Rare and Exotic books for 330 Bits every 50 minutes. with her partner being an incurable bookworm who would no doubt never stop geeking about said reading material? _ YOUR GOD IS DEAD!!! _
... wow, i went completely Handsome Jack back there, huh? point is, bits of sadism like that are my only entertainment value with the game. i don't even like Village Sims, i'll take what i can get people!
still not enough Kindness to activate the next Harmony Stone yet, after i get the rest of the Mane Six, i'll worry about making my way to the rest of the Stones. besides, isn't that how it goes? gather the Spirits of Harmony, then activate the stones? i don't fuckin' know...
i may have undersold my hatred of Village Sims. this experience is as slow a grind as i'm making it sound. i'm not even bothering to play it, i just have it set off to the side in case i need to find something else to bitch about. this isn't a Let's Play anymore, it's a cry for help!
well, i'm out of shit for now, see you next update i guess...
Blackheartzero's Let's Play Journal. Subject: MLP village sim game - created by Gameloft.
ENTRY 4: Monday, OCT. 20, 2014.
i just noticed something about the Loading Screen. in the background, there's this Dark Blue Pony in a stupid ascot with Pinkie Pie's hairstyle. according to the Sweet Apple Acres Pony Album, his name is "Apple Bottoms." well whoever the hell he is, i don't like him, he's an asshole. i hear he sucks his own dick. i hear his hairstylist is a used Hemmeroid Pillow...
well, i once again fucked the fragile continuity of this game in the eyesocket and unlocked Applejack and Fluttershy. and i haven't even finished the Pinkie Pie missions yet!! let's talk about Applejack; like the other Six, she appears in every level, making her viable for the cross-level EXP Minigame bug. but unlike the other Six, who all work in Ponyville, AJ's only able to work in the Sweet Apple Acres venue.
i mean yeah, it makes sense, given that is where she lives and works in canon. but if this means somewhere down the line, each of the Mane Six will get their own themed level, effectively spreading the most efficient workers in the game too thin, ... then i wouldn't care, since i don't plan to play this game long enough to see that become a reality. however, you guys would be probably be pissed...
i suppose i should talk about the social part of MLP. you can make friends on this game, thing is, i have no screaming clue how to. i'm logged in on Google+, since Gameloft Live soundly defeated me when i tried to log in there and i Refuse to indulge that amorpheous hive mind called Facebook by joining their dumbass collective. so congrats, Google+ users; if you know my real name, you can search for me and know i play this shit...
apparently, you can give, and recieve from friends, chests that give Heart Gems, which you can use for special content. problem is, you have to have human friends to get these damn things, a luxury i cannot afford. the only friend i got is this dumbass bot account called, "Princess Celestia." and i know that fucker ain't giving me shit. look at her, with a better town, with far better shit than me. i hate her more than i hate Apple Bottoms. she's an asshole. i hear she shits soap and Pepto Bismol. i heard she lost her virginity to a cold bagel...
at least you can use her lame bot ass for Social Missions, or at least the first one, i wouldn't know... well, i'm once again out of shit to bitch about, better turn in for the night before murder-sucide with a electric shaver becomes a good idea...
Blackheartzero's Let's Play Journal. Subject: MLP village sim game - created by Gameloft.
ENTRY 5: Tuesday, OCT. 21, 2014.
well, i don't have much in the way of actual progress, aside from buying Teacher's Pet, but who gives a shit about him, he's just a recolor of Makuta- er, i mean Snips, with the worst possible name in history. so since i already talked about every possible thing about this game, all that's left is to beat it, right? i mean, what is left after all that shit?
(thump...)
wha- what was that?
(thump, thump... thump...)
what's going on...?
(thump, thump... thump...)
did i miss something? what else is.... oh no.
(thump, thump... thump, CLAP!)
no, no, nonononono, please, not that!!
(thump, thump, CLAP! thump, CLAP! thump thump, CLAP!)
FOR ALL THAT'S HOLY, THAT THUMPING AND CLAPPING BETTER BE QUEEN!! i'll talk about seriously anything else, just PLEASE, don't make me talk about-!
HUMANE SIX: (singing) Hey! Hey! Everybody! we got something to say! we may seem as different, as the Night is from Day. but you look a little deeper, and you will see, that I'm just like you, and you're just like me, yeah!
BH0: _ FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- _
*groan...* ... the MLP Equestria Girls Dancing Minigame. crispy blue skeleton Jesus alive, no one should be subjected to such madness. i hate that fucking movie enough as it is, you want me to relive their fucking soundtrack?! fuck you, this is the stupidest possible thing you could do to sell what's practically stolen and recolored Monster High dolls. well, you assholes want to talk about Tap Tap Revenge's retarded cousin, eh? alright assholes, I'll play, let's do this!!
ok, story time! sit down!! Sunset Shimmer stole Twilight's Element of Magic, Twilight has to go to Human world and relive Highschool in another Universe to get it back. but apparently, instead of trying to get it back, Twilight has instead decided to dance with the Humane Six when she should be trying to get the damned thing back seeing as time is no doubt of the esscence like in the movie... I hate this Game, i really do...
ok, first thing's first, have you used the cross-level Minigame bug on all your Mane Six Ponies? if you got a few to Level 5, then use those only for this minigame. if not, your highest leveled will suffice. why? because the levels of the Mane Six members in your roster carry over to ther human counterpart, and that equals bonus points for using that selected character.
now to actually play the game, first you gotta select a song. you got a choice of five songs to fuck around with. my advice, do "Opening Theme" first, you won't get much of a score, but you'll get the hang of gameplay so you can take on the harder songs later on, God forbid.
and after that, you choose your character and bonus booster costumes. the default costume's Free, but you don't get a boost. the Canterlot Wondercolt Spiritwear is 2,000 Bits down the hole, but you get a 2% Score bonus. the Fall Formal dress is a really pricy 3,500 Bits, but gives you a 4% bonus. but if you got 2 Gems to burn, you can power up your chosen dancer into their Pony Hybrid forms from the batshit insane Climax of Equestria Girls with a score boost of 8%. it's just a marginal increase anyway, so don't get too worked up about it...
also, you can drag some friends of yours into the "fun" so you can... i dunno what it would do. again, no friends to test it with.
anyway, let's talk about the gameplay, it's a DDR-esque rhythm game. there's three different prompts, color-coded for your convenience.
purple is your standard one-tap command; once it reaches the line, hit it.
green is the frets you hold down to get points for, just remember to release when you get to the end of the prompt, otherwise it cancels out your combo.
and finally we have the yellow prompt, or as i call it: "the Bullshit Button." it's a rare prompt and only appears in certain songs at least once, but it is guaranteed to fuck your entire Combo if your not ready for it. once it pops up, you have to rapidly tap the screen to maintain the prompt. this prompt is the only one i know of, thank God, that doesn't have a double variant.
oh yeah, you heard me! a common staple in every song is they throw twin pairs of purple and green frets that you have to hit with two fingers instead of one. and i dunno about you, but sometimes my touch screen can't detect my fingers when i go too fast and my score suffers for it. i can barely do the constellation Minigame quickly with this phone sometimes, you expect me to juggle two frets at the same time on top of that?! FUCK YOU, GAME...
thankfully, the songs have cooldown timers so you don't have to invest too much time in this dumbass clunky minigame. anyway, i'm spent, i need to stop before i have an imaginary rage stroke! see you guys on the next update...
Blackheartzero's Let's Play Journal. Subject: MLP village sim game - created by Gameloft.
ENTRY 6: Friday, NOV. 15, 2014.
(Blackheartzero is quietly staring into his phone. he has just unlocked Time Turner from the Balloon Pop game, or as Gameloft and everyone else calls him...)
[Dr. Whooves. "Dr. Whooves keeps Ponyville's clocks in sync, sets the Hourglass for cider competitions, and takes care of all things Timey-Wimey."]
... ... ... _ FUCK YOU AND DIE, GAMELOFT!! _
ok, i bet you're wondering why i played the Balloon Pop game when i said i would'nt be spending gems for shit. well, it's simple really: i don't have to save anymore, i finally got Rarity and Rainbow Dash!!
i'll explain, you know about Daylight Savings time, right? Spring Forward, Fall Back? well, during that moment, a glitch occurs in the game's clock. it thinks you haven't collected your daily shit yet and gives it to you. over and over and over again! it'll only stop once the game corrects itself, but not before you mash on the "Claim" button over and over, going apeshit on free Bits, EXP, and Gems!
and boy did i capitalize on this!! when it stopped, i had enough money to buy a Hospital, which i apparently needed to farm Loyalty and Magic Shards. with enough left over to make the Canterlot Venue into a proper profit. oh, and like i said, i used the hundred-something gems i obtained to get Rarity and Rainbow Lesbian, which means all i have to do now is activate the Harmony Stones and i can call this a review! speaking of which, i can finally activate the Honesty and Kindness stones now, so let's get that done and get back to playing Borderlands: the Pre-Sequel!...
(Activates Honesty Stone.)
[NIGHTMARE MOON: your attempts to find the Harmony Stones is amusing... but futile...]
hey that's funny, since with what i had left over from that glitch, i uncovered all the Harmony Shrines.
PICCOLO: ALL OF THEM?!!
BH0: yes! which means i only need to activate them all to get your sorry evil ass a Snickers bar! ... get it? because she's not her when she's... nevermind...
[TWILIGHT: we must restore balance between the Sun and the Moon!]
No Shit, Sherlock...
[TWILIGHT: ... you can't make it Nighttime forever!
NIGHTMARE MOON: hahaha, you silly little fool, of course i can!]
(as Nightmare Moon) hahaha, man, oh man, it's awesome being the Moon God! really the only downside is CWCVille constantly littering my Domain with Supervillains and Weed, but it's good... (takes a hit.) it's aaaaalll gooood...
Nightmare Moon tells us to just give up and "bask in Nighttime Eternal" which is funny since she won't do anything to me if i refuse. besides, i'm fucking terrified of Basking Sharks! if your Nighttime Eternal includes those things, Count Me The Fuck Out!! well, let's activate the Kindness Stone and get done with this update so i can go Bask in Nighttime Temporary...
(activates Kindness Stone)
hey Luna, how's it feel to lose to a madman and a bunch of stupid horses?
[NIGHTMARE MOON: stop this madness! can't you see the brilliance of eternal night?]
ignoring all the stuff that can fuck the earth's ecosystems if it were plunged into perpetual darkness, i got a review to do, so i can't just leave these fuckers to die. sorry...
[NIGHTMARE MOON: i can be a much better ruler than Celestia
TWILIGHT: i doubt that!]
fucking kiss-ass Teacher's Pet...
TEACHER'S PET: you needed me for something?
BH0: wha-? NO! fuck off!!
(Teacher's Pet leaves.)
Twilight tells Nightmare Moon to fuck off and she'll never win. but Nightmare Moon simply says we'll see about that. well, not right now, i had enough of this game for today. see you again... whenever i can be arsed...
Blackheartzero's Let's Play Journal. Subject: MLP village sim game - created by Gameloft.
ENTRY 7: Friday, DEC. 19, 2014.
well, only 6 days left until Christmas! and here i am bitching incessantly about some Pony Phone game... where did it all go so wrong...?
Update time i guess; the Everfree Forest has opened up for the Tree of Harmony event. my mission? to fight my way through the forest to find and activate the Tree of Harmony. best thing about it is that getting to the tree is dirt cheap if you got enough cash and have enough Shards to burn. no, the difficult part is reactivating the damn tree, which so far, i haven't even come close to uncovering because you need to sacrifice a fuckton of Harmony Shards, and most of the time it needs my rare as hell Magic Shards. and i fucking need those things!! Dick Move, Tree...
thankfully Zecora's fucking awesome here since you can give her ingredients you find in the forest and she'll make Element Shard generators for you to farm! unfortunately, they can run out and become useless, and cost thousands of bits to remove. what the hell? you help me set it up and won't help me take it back down when it runs dry? Dick Move, Zecora...
well, since this is running me dry of my shards, i need to go ahead and activate the Loyalty Stone. hopefully Luna can say something i can joke about...
(activates Loyalty Stone.)
[NIGHTMARE MOON: if you stop this now, Twilight Sparkle, I'll consider making you a Princess.]
uhh, first off, Bookworm ain't doing shit, i've been managing this since day one. but whatever, not that my input ever mattered, let's see how Twilight responds...
[TWILIGHT: i won't be bought by your lies!]
what a shock...
[SPIKE: yeah, Twilight won't fall for that. wait... can i be a prince?
TWILIGHT: Spike!
SPIKE: oh, right! i won't be bought either, Nightmare Moon!]
oh, what the fuck ever, Judas. you're as sick of all this as i am, admit it...
well, since i can't proceed any further in the forest just yet, let's go collect on my shops... oh hey, i just got a gift from... King Sombra? what the hell...? well, it's in the Inventory now, let's check it out...
(Blackheartzero pulls up the inventory for Canterlot, and begins laughing hysterically. because the thing he just got is...)
... MOTHERFUCKING KING SOMBRA!?? these Laughing Joking Numbnuts at Gameloft just gave me a free pony for the Canterlot venue... and it's fucking King Sombra! i could understand Sunset Shimmer being a collectable pony, since she's sorta reformed now, but holy shit, i don't know if i should think Gameloft are geniuses or fucking psychotic!!
not gonna lie, i did say i wanted more serial killers in this game, i can only imagine putting the fucking king of Shadows in charge of making fucking donuts or whatever. we finally get royalty to help around here, and it's a fucking villain ... oh my god, i've played this fucking game too damn long. well, back to Kingdom Hearts 2.5 HD ReMIX with me, at this rate i'll never get past Roxas. see you next update i guess...
fucking King Sombra...
Blackheartzero's Let's Play Journal. Subject: MLP village sim game - created by Gameloft.
ENTRY 8: WED, DEC. 24, 2014.
Christmas came early! i may be able to get this shit done earlier than expected!! but before i explain, i need to cover some things first, just so i never have to go back and talk about it later.
ok, remember how i unlocked King Sombra? yeah, when he finally came in, descending from the Heavens like a baller, i immediately noticed something about him: he starts off at Maximum Level, and thank Fuck for that; because i think it would be degrading to both of us to have to play ball like a little bitch with a fucking Shadow God! motherfucker has a million things to do than that kiddie pony shit, like help bake Donuts for bonus coins... masculine as fuck...
also, another cool thing he can do: he can float in the air like he's about to perform a Highlander Quickening, (you know, if Immortals floated while doing that...) and emit a small Loot-'splosion of money and Element Shards. which funny enough, is exactly what Celestia and Luna are reportedly able to do as well. but unlike those two bastards, i didn't have to pay a cent to get him! King Sombra my just be the best damn Pony i ever added to my collec-
... what's that? ... i can't use him in the minecart game?! nevermind, false alarm: Sombra Sucks...
oh! and another thing that i keep forgetting to mention: sometimes- and of course, i mean every damn day- Pest animals spawn around the map, obstructing building space until you get rid of them. how do you do this? you feed them your Element Shards until they all piss off. and yes, they can even require your rarest Shards as well, which means it'll end up taking forever to activate all the stones if enough of Kindness, Loyalty, or Magic pests spawn on you.
but the best Pest creatures in this game (in lowest possible standards, of course.) is the Changlings in Canterlot, because they are perhaps the biggest trolls in this whole game.they spawn as copies of all the Mane Six you bought, which means you have no idea what is needed to get rid of them. so if you click on them and they flash in a color you don't have, well congrats, asshole; you just blocked off a bit of precious land until you get five Shards to feed it. oh, and unlike the bats in the acres and Parasprites in Ponyville, these bastards need five Shards per bug to dispatch. Have Fun waiting to harvest for those Shards, douche!!
also, since they spawn as the Mane Six, that gives me an excuse to live in intense paranoia of colorful cartoon horses.
TWILIGHT: Number 16!
that's it, you just dug your own grave you Hole-Punched maggot fucker!!
(clicks on Twilight, however, it's just the real Twilight.)
oh, well, carry on then... you.
APPLEJACK: are you alright, Sugarcube?
BH0: YEAH, i'm fine, why would you assume i wasn't? ... unless you want me to think i'm just being crazy, which means... FUCK YOU, BUG!!!
(tackles Applejack, who hisses, transforms into a Changling in a flash of dark pink energy and wrestles Blackheartzero to the ground, horrible Mortal Kombat ensues.)
BH0: NO! don't take my Magic Shards, i need those for Laundry!! (gets thrown into the imaginary camera, which cuts to static)
[WE'RE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES...]
...
...
...
(Blackheartzero limps in from off not-screen, a piece of Changeling wing clutched in his fist.)
... got one.
oh, and Twilight Sparkle's an Alicorn now. i was doing Canterlot missions because i was hurting for Gems and it... just sorta happened...
but back to finishing this bullshit once and for all. you know how you can make totems in the Tree of Harmony event? well, when i heard i can make a totem of any element and farm a near endless supply of that element, my mind immediately gave me this genius idea: why help clear off this fucking tree and get a replica of it for my troubles, when i can create a shitload of Superior Magic Totems, farm the hardest element in the game in seriously no time flat, and win the fucking game!?
so i got to work; i scoured that whole forest, grabbed every bit of Joke plant, BLack Iris and Sap i could ever need (five each, since it maxed out at five.) and spent three whole days farming off four Superior totems shitting out the rarest element in the game like it was nothing!
and now here we are; i have well over enough to pay the 150 shard price to activate the damned thing and then some! so let's activate this sucker and be done with it. finally, all my hard work and determination finally pays off!!
(activates Magic Stone, "Carry On, My Wayward Son" starts playing in the background.)
[NIGHTMARE MOON: I... I cannot believe it! How did you find all the Harmony Stones?!]
well it helps that i knew where they all were since day one, but what do i know about magical sight obscuring darkness that doesn't obscure jack shit?
[SPIKE: you better believe it!
TWILIGHT SPARKLE: yes! we were able to find and activate all the Harmony Stones, thanks to the true Magic of Friendship!]
bitch, shut up! while you were playing ball and shit, i was actually running this show. you were too scared to even try to look for the fucking things! "OH NO! it's slightly dimmer than normal, what sorcery is this?!" well fuck you arseholes, i got your stupid rocks back, now let's--
[NIGHTMARE MOON: Ha! no matter...]
("Carry On My Wayward Son" screeches to a halt.)
... ... ... wha-?
[the stones will not be fully activated...]
... then what the fuck have i been doing all these months? what the fuck else is there?!
[... without the Spirits of the Elements of Harmony!!]
... WHAT?! are you fucking me??! what the fuck are you talking about? i don't need to get the Spirits, they're right HERE!! i seriously wouldn't bother activating all the damn stones unless i had all six main characters, you know; the GOD DAMNED SPIRITS OF HARMONY!!?? and it's not like they don't know they are the Spirits yet, they obviously have been aware of their status as the Spirits of Harmony since DAY ONE, and now that they have the damned things back, they're just all, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE?!!"
...ok, i actually did look it up, and i WAS missing something. i did need the Mane Six, and i did need to activate the Elements. BUT, i also needed to do all the missions in Ponyville as well. well, i just thought you just needed to do that to get bonus points because the requirements for some of these missions are FUCKED. like here's an example: "Bustin' up Business", i gotta build a Resturant. ok then, let's set up a shop, how much will it cost? well gee, i dunno, how does 50 GEMS SOUND??! and guess what: you can't give Spike gems to skip this one! you HAVE to get 50 Gems and you HAVE to sink it all in this fucking Resturant, _ THAT'S SOME SHIT!! _ what's next? is one mission getting Princess Celestia? that fucker is worth 400-something fucking Gems, and i'm seriously hoping i never have to actually do that...
[CELESTIA: Will you Accept my Fiendship?]
... FUCK YOOOOU!!!!
and what's the reward for all this bullshit? well, you get another free level 5 pony in the form of Princess Luna, but i guess around that time you'd have more money and resourses than you know what to do with, so having either of the Princesses is just a bragging rights reward at that point!
in short, i found the damn rocks, i got the band together. two out of three's not bad, game's over, I WIN!! see you pony fucksticks never again! HOLY FUCK, what an awful game...
Blackheartzero's Let's Play Journal. Subject: MLP village sim game - created by Gameloft.
FINAL ENTRY: THUR, DEC. 25, 2014.
(King Sombra appears in Blackheartzero's room as he's laying face down on his bed, laying his face on his closed Laptop.)
SOMBRA: uh, boss? you haven't been doing anything all day, didn't you have that stupid Let's Play Journal to upload? you know, that My Little Pony Village Sim game...
(Blackheartzero lifts his head off the Laptop to face King Sombra, both his face and the Laptop are covered in chalk dust... he's too poor for Coke...)
BH0: ... _ WHAT THE FFFFUCK IS A PONY?! _
SOMBRA: ... ok then, i'll just upload it for you. where's the-?
(Blackheartzero chucks a Flash drive at King Sombra before burying his face back in the Chalk Dust, it hits him in the snout and falls to the ground. Sombra picks the device up and leaves.)
SOMBRA: arsehole...
THANKS FOR READING, AND MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE UNDERGROUND SONG CRITIC.